Un Año Que Viene, y Otro Que Se Va

I've been too lazy to post. Well maybe between spending time with the Aunt J., Crystal and Steven, and maintaining some version of my regular routine, I just haven't been able to do the little things I like to do.

I feel so nervous each time one year ends and a new one begins. I'm hoping everything goes well next year, for everyone. I'm hoping I do better as a daughter, and as a girlfriend, so I can make the people I love happy and take care of them.

Yes, as you can tell I have many hopes for the coming year [I have many more than that lol but we'll take it a little at a time huh ;)]

This year so much has happened. A total of 17 days with my baby who is now in college :D , a raise of my GPA, a beginning of a relationship between my cousin Crystal and I (these things take time, we've never been close, but I've always been sad that we've never been friends before. Got a new puppy, a new bedroom set.

Thank you God, for a break. For all of your help. For all of the blessings you've bestowed upon me. Please bless those who've lent a helping hand and who need a break too.

Happy New Year everyone!

MY HOME

This is the greatest Christmas in the history of my life. I am quite emotional right now, so much so that I can't write very well. So here are a few thousand words worth of memories for now.

I Believe In Love

I now understand what is meant when people tell you to get to know and understand your partner's values and beliefs. So many people are shocked by new things they learn about their loved ones after rushing into marriage. It's scary to think about it, about the conflicts that can spring from a simple difference in values.

Because I feel like in my chest there is a cluster of unresolved mystique and emotion, I have to write tonight. I thought I had it all figured out, the subject of friends. I had come to realize that there was no such thing, or at least this type of relationship is rare. I had come to see that I didn't need a superficial relationship with another being to fill a void in me. That I didn't need to spend time with people who in the big scheme of things feel nothing for me, but use me to fill a void of their own. That sometimes it's better to be alone than in bad company. That there is only one person in my life I can call my friend, and that I needed no other companion. That one person is enough for me. I thought that everyone in the end, sought for that, the same as me, "one true and meaningful friendship." A friendship people search their whole lives for, like a needle in a haystack. And thank God, I've found it in the maze of my life.

I'd never put any "friend" before him. I'd never befriend anyone who's ambitions in the past were of harmful consequence to him. I'd never allow anyone to speak of him in a manner inadequate. My friendship with him is a part of me I treasure with every bit of my life.

I'd do anything to show you my faith and devotion. I've tried my best to do that throughout our years together. Above all I've tried to show you that your feelings matter to me, your concerns matter, and that's what I want. I don't know if my views are immature or if we are supposed to establish empty relationships with those who surround us... I don't know if I'm wrong or right, I'm not trying to know it all. I'm just showing you my values and hoping you show me yours too.

One day you will see how NOT alone you are. How even though there is a lot going on with your family and you don't see them as much as you'd like, they are ALWAYS there. Always thinking of you and always loving you. I am so thankful for that. So thankful to them.

And I hope when you look back on our time apart, one day even if it is when we are not anymore, you realize that I was with you the entire time.

In the World We Know Today

As women, we take on the role of mother, nurturer, house-keeper, career woman, confidant, lover, and countless other roles. We engage in the career world just as men, and still are expected to keep up with our work as mother at home at the end of the day. The role of women has changed very much throughout history, we have progressed and evolved but still, though it is said that we are, we are not equal to our men. It still amazes me every time I think about the studies that prove that women take on 2/3 of the responsibilities in the household. About the fact that a man entering my career field will earn much more than I, simply because he is a man.

I think that the reason behind all of this revolves around the nature that society has constructed for men. Men, who are not naturally nurturing beings with maternal instincts. Who are taught since childhood that it is not acceptable to show their emotions as women do. Who are viewed as our strong leaders. Who in the beginning of it all had the role of protector and financial providers in the home, leaving the housekeeping and raising of the children to their women. I think that it has been hard for men to accept that their roles are changing along with ours. That because we are career people just as they are and it is now difficult for only one person alone to provide for their family, that they have to share the role of parent, and housekeeper as well. That these beings that they were taught had to be more fragile and less aggressive than they are supposed to be, are accomplishing just as much as they are. That instead of moving up, they are downgrading and having to do tasks not worthy of men. WOW this sounds dramatic...

Anyway, what other explanation could there be for the countless cases of men that think that providing for the family is enough to keep a marriage and a family happy and healthy? What other explanation could there be for the amount of times men take their wives for granted, who care for their children and keep up their house, and work to help pay bills, and try to take care of them? How else could you explain the mentality that simply providing for the family can satisfy a woman's need for love and companionship? That she is not entitled to her part in the making of decisions because he supposedly provides for all that the family needs?

I wish that just once, those ignorant men could feel the pressure that these women go through. Like living a year in her shoes, and feeling exhausted after work, to then come home and instead of watching TV, feeding, bathing, sharing with, playing with, and making sure everything is well with the babies, and doing the laundry, and the dishes, and sweeping and mopping, and paying him attention and everything that comes with the job of mother and wife.

I'm not saying that men don't have great, and tiresome responsibilities, I'm just wondering why the lack of respect and consideration for a job that is so demanding?

Some of it is our own fault. We have to stop raising our boys to only have the role of taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. We have to teach them that doing the dishes, and the laundry and other chores is OK. We have to make it clear to our husbands that they will not teach our boys that they should go through women in their youth as if they were cuts of meat, and that women are not here to be maids for them, but that men and women exist to TAKE CARE OF AND HELP EACH OTHER IN EVERYTHING. And we need to stop accepting the attitudes of those men who think we are their slaves and that we have to kiss the ground they walk on just because they make money. We can't allow ourselves to be taken for granted. We let them do these things to us... Maybe if they started being forced to share the responsibilities women take on, they would respect and value those responsibilities more and not think of them as jobs unworthy of their efforts.

Lluvia

Quisiera dormir tranquila y profundamente cada noche como si estuvieras aqui a mi lado de nuevo. Quisiera no escuchar nada mas que el latir de tu corazon y tu suave respiracion, pero no pudo ser esta noche. La lluvia cae violentamente tocando una cancion furiosa y desconsolada, mis ojos han quedado abiertos por horas sin fin, deseando a la paz que me brinda tu presencia. No pienso en nada mas dia y noche, en nada mas que tu. No quiero nada mas que tu. Que cruel, esta soledad immensa que me traga lentamente. En un instante recuerdo a la serenidad que senti al dormir con tu mano en la mia, y le ruego una vez mas a Dios que me regrese esa felicidad que senti esa noche. Le suplico de nuevo el poder sentirte a mi lado, y no tener que despedirme de ti nunca jamas. Se que si me tocan, se siente atravez de mi piel el dolor que siento en el alma, de amar tan desesperadamente y seguir tan lejos de el.

Y asi comienza esta conversacion contigo Dios. Otra carta para Ti, para que la leas cuando tengas tiempo, porque se que estas muy ocupado. Otra carta para compartir contigo lo mucho que lo amo, como solo Tu lo sabes. Le he tenido fe al amor, y a los milagros. He compartido con el todos mis secretos, mis llantos y rizas, mi coraje, mi lealtad, mi carino, todo lo que he podido. He llegado a conocerlo, un ser tan bello y maravilloso, gracias por haberlo puesto en mi camino. Pero aun no entiendo por que entre nosotros hay tanta distancia. Tu sabes por lo que rezo cada noche.
De nuevo me distrae el sonido del agua contra mi ventana. Quisiera escuchar su voz y contarte cuanto te extrano para derrotar esta soledad, pero se que en este momento duermes tranquilo. Entonces hare de cuenta que en mis suenos te encontrare, hasta manana.

Thought Soup

Finally! For a little while the three psycho birds that sleep in my room are quiet and still. Thank heavens! I am in my little dark box, listening to the spinning of the fan, and the pressing of each key as I type. What am I thinking right now? Not much. Only in the mood to document here in this bit of space, the little things I notice as time goes by.

I have attempted to write in here several times this month, as I like to spill my soup of thoughts into this container and store it just in case some brilliant mind wants to indulge in the richness of my intelligence lol. But each time I have been met by a dead end and nothing, absolutely nothing pours into this canvas through my fingertips.

Besides the fact, that I I just told my most special someone to go to sleep because he didn't feel like talking, I am feeling pretty _____ ... I guess the word I am looking for is "not in the mood to do anything whatsoever." OK so that was a few words... Whatever.

I just read the blog of someone I don't know. Someone who wrote something that I agree with and have been trying to put into words for the longest time but somehow haven't been able to.

It was about marriage and divorce. She asks: how is it that a person can stand there and in front of God swear to love and cherish someone 'til death do them part... and later come to feeling hatred for the same person they shared so much with? The same bed, the birth of their children, hundreds of secrets and moments of laughter and intimacy. How do people reach the point where they feel that it isn't worth duking it out for each other, when they swore that they would in the first place? I guess that is why marriage doesn't work so often nowadays, because so many are willing to give up that promise. So many don't realize that marriage is about taking care of EACH OTHER and not about winning each fight and that in marriage neither one can be selfish. They forget that they aren't supposed to be looking out for only themselves anymore, but after this beautiful union based upon a promise. That it isn't that they are giving up the whole "spending time with the guys" or "doing what I like to do"... but it is about gaining a witness to your life. Someone who makes your life meaningful and validates your existence so that you know that your life hasn't gone unnoticed and that you have impacted another soul they way they impacted yours.

I want to be married. I want to know that when I'm married it is because it was a mutual desire. That I'm not forcing someone into this frightening, ominous, pointless institution, that is cursed and will become extinct at some point in our lives. That we are both ready to take that step and not that only I am ready. I think this action is what reinforces the words I promise I love you. Don't know if that makes sense... Anyway, doesn't every woman want to marry someone who is confident enough in their love, in her, in himself, and in their willingness to fight for each other, to vow before God such a union.

You see this is where I confuse myself and wonder if I'm making my point. See, my point here was to express why marriage is important to me, why I want to be married, and what it means to me. What does it mean to the rest of the world I wonder?

I don't know what it is. I have this uneasy feeling. Like there is something I don't know. I think I'm missing something. I wish I knew. It's driving me crazy though. I can't relax. Something's wrong... I don't know what it is....

Certainty

I'm not in control of my own life. The things I want drift further from me day after day and nothing I've done has changed it. I'm sitting here in an empty classroom, basking in a peaceful silence and in time undisturbed by the strangers that just a moment ago sat around me. I'd rather not exist to them. I've given so much to the people who've called themselves my friends, only to be let down by a judgment, a lie, or by being forgotten. It hasn't happened with you though. Our entire relationship has managed from a distance, and every single day you call, you talk, you try. You hang onto me. Being alone without any friends, is so much easier than being alone without you. I need you most of all.

I wrote there, about all of the things that I want, that I need, and that I don't. But I'm always thinking about you. What you need. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I try to be, but I've done many things in my life. I've been hurt and used, I've helped others and been helped. I've been let go of and I've let go too. But you always tell me how new this all is to you, I'm the first person you have opened up to, and let in. I don't expect this to be OK for you. I don't expect you to feel the same as I do. I miss you, and it hurts. I miss you and it does make me cry, but I carry you with me everywhere I go. You're never missing from me.

I almost lost sight of what I'm doing down here, so many miles south of where you are. I'm making myself better. I'm securing my future. I'm almost done. I want to skip it all, I don't really want to do all of this. I just want to skip it all, and be with you and not cry and take care of you. But everything in this life takes work. It takes effort. I look forward to the future, to seeing my hard work pay off. I look in the distance and there you are walking toward and it's only a matter of time until I reach you.

I wish I could encourage you, I wish that you could see me in the distance too. But you see me moving away. I have a lifetime to give, and you feel you're running out of it. I'm not going anywhere. This is cruel, it's true. But what are the options. I'm giving you my all. I've decided that you are my path. I'm sticking with you. I'm sure about my feelings for you, I'm sure that what I see in you is genuine... Whatever happens, I'm in the palm of your hands... I love you.

Ketch-up Time

... Posting late, sleep is so much easier to neglect in the night than in the morning... But I am behind on a lot so I would like to catch up with things. FIRST OF ALL:

This is more than a week late... But Happy Birthday Mr. Tyler. I saw this and I thought of you, I loved goofy when I was a baby lol. It amazes me, all these little ones could barely talk when I met them. Now they are all about half my height and getting to school. Time flies. It's so nice to watch them grow though.
______________________________________

Yep. It's 2 am, so much I'm worried about. Like the fact that Abuelo Q. might be sick with cancer again. And I have been angry with him for years. Haven't held a conversation with him in over 6 years. I didn't know he was sick when mom and dad started making plans to bring him over here and I was complaining and whining. I feel guilty now, I shouldn't be so hard on him, on anyone for that matter. Cause then things like this happen and you realize how dumb you have been and what you should have done before. You don't want it to be too late before you realize that you shouldn't go to sleep angry with anyone.

I have a 68.5% in color systems. I am starting to wonder whether I will be successful in this major or not. I can do it, I keep telling myself I can. And I know that what is killing me is an extreme lack of organization and time management. But it keeps getting harder and harder to do well. It's like I need to change my entire way of being in order to do well. Bad habits are hard to break, but I never thought it would be this hard. Gotta keep trying though. I can't give up. I don't want to throw all my dad's hard work and money down the drain.

I am trying to figure out who to vote for this coming presidential election. I'm thinking of leaning republican. There is so much about the democratic party I am not fond of. The republican party isn't doing all that much better but every democratic candidate is a nim-wit and I don't believe Hilary has had enough leadership experience. She does seem EXTREMELY expensive and a tad too ambitious. She is in the lead though I think, and if she wins well I hope she is a good president. But I don't think withdrawal from Iraq is the way to go. Even if it is a gradual process of five years or more. Some people think that if we leave them alone they will leave us alone. But the truth is, there was no war going on when 9/11 occurred. They won't leave us alone. They are just waiting for the moment some schmuck comes in does exactly what they want us to do. I don't think I'm worldy enough yet to judge. I only know what I'm told and have yet to form my own complete opinion. But I don't feel confident in her, and all the rest of the candidates look like a bunch of old crooks lol. They are after all politicians ;) I'm just trying to figure out which are crooks and which only look like crooks. No one is perfect, we are all human.

LASTLY- Just to vent and make me feel better.

1. NO, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to have more than one girlfriend.
2. NO, young mend DO NOT HAVE TO GO OFF AND FUCK AROUND WITH 18 BILLION GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUNG!!!
3. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT!!!!!!!!

The end. Goodnight peoples, have a good week :)

Identity

Your life is a song you've never heard. From a distance I gaze and you remain mystified. Your purpose hides somewhere in the shade of your eyes. This is somewhere I cannot lead you, but only take your hand and follow. I wish I could relate. What do you desire? What do you hope for and dream of for yourself? Where do you envision your distant tomorrow. Your perception is run by uncertainty, intoxicated by youth and time. Sometimes simplicity is the most complex maze to solve. Which path should you take? The road is vague, you are standing on it but sight is not a gift you've been granted with in this realm. Life is so unpredictable, and that is a frightening reality.

Who do you want to be? I can only encourage you. Here I am, to give you my thoughts and to wish you the best. To give you ideas and stand beside you, whatever direction you choose to take. I wish I could facilitate your struggles, I wish I could protect you from the hardships I know you'll face one day. There is so much I know you fear, such losses you'll face someday. I'll be here every step of the way, to try and help you remember your gains and triumphs. To take your hand and lead you when you've lost sight of the good. To catch you and keep you from staying down when you've fallen. Fight. Keep your efforts burning, don't put the flame out. Fight, there is more to lose than strength. Try, try the best you can. Even when the current steers you further from your most precious endeavors. Fight, to recover and to improve.

I can't quench your thirst for knowledge of the future. I can't impair the plans that time has in store for us. My fears and yours differ greatly but are still so similar. I'm afraid, that you'll never believe me a certainty in your life. I'm afraid, that I won't be armor enough for you, that I won't be a refuge, that you'll deem me a part of you external, incapable of understanding your hurts. But I will try my best, I will fight for you.

I share with you the pain of this distance and the passing of time. We're strong together, for each other. Our fortress rises from our memories and hopes for the future. Don't lose sight of those things, don't let sadness conquer. There's a cold and desolate tundra painful and lonely beyond it. Let our love lift us, for one day our miracle will come true. Our love is our fortress.

Breakable

By: Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mass,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Blank, is probably the best word for my mood tonight. I really don't know what to write about, but sometimes, letting your mind flow free is a good thing. I've been evaluating the recent moments of my life, and I've come to the conclusion that even though I cry, and I frown, carry a lot of emotional baggage, I am happy.

In everyone's life, there is water under some bridge right? Things they carry along that help make who they are and why they are the way they are right? The bumps along the road that toughen you up. I think I've made peace with my past. My mistakes, my trials and tribulations lol. Yeah, it kind of makes me frustrated knowing that there will be more and that yes, it could be worse, but come what may, I know I can look ahead and walk down the road worry-less.

And then I think about tonight. And for the first time, I'm OK with being by myself. I'm OK. I used to cry when I found myself without anyone to talk to in the night. I was afraid of being lonely. Loneliness used to devour me like the big bad wolf, and I would cry. I'd look through my entire phone book, looking for a friend to call, and when I found no one, I would cry. I don't need to cry tonight though, because I'm not actually "alone." I have someone under the same sky who loves me. More importantly though, I'm OK with the fact that he is spending time with his friend. I've come to realize that there is so much pressure on him. He is so young and new to all of these responsibilities. Spends so much time trying to comply with those responsibilities. I've realized that he needs time for himself, to enjoy and retreat from the stresses of daily life. And me, I'll remember what it's like to turn up the music and dance in front of the mirror. To bump into an acquaintance at the mall and make small talk lol. To play games with my family and let them get to know me again.

I don't have many friends and now I know that I don't need them. I am not even hurt anymore or bothered by the fact that I have never had a sincere guy friend. Hind-sight, helps us grow, makes us wiser. You realize what you should have done, what you shouldn't have, what you didn't see. I get too involved it's true. I carry mine, and everyone else's emotional baggage. But no one has ever stuck up for me like that before, no one has made my problems their's. I'm tired of giving. That's what mom and dad mean when they tell me that they don't need anyone else. They are best friends, and they are all they need. HOLY CRAP, I have that!

I am so glad this month is over. It HAS been rough. I feel different. I feel good about me. I feel good about what I'm doing. I feel good about my life and the people I love.

"It's Either That, Or I Don't Say Anything At All"

I don't know what to say. I was trying really hard to make you see something but you didn't want to hear. I always say, I don't talk just to talk, I say things because they mean something, or at least they do to me. I don't say them to be mean, I don't say them to hurt you. I say them so you could understand where I'm coming from, so you can say where you are coming from and we could reach a happy medium.

I NEED you to talk to me baby. I need you to converse with me. I need to know that I inspire you to share even the smallest things with me. That I inspire you. Yo se que "rarr" es un carinito. I know you are showing me affection when you say that to me. I love it when you do those things baby. But I need you to say more than that. I need to hear about your day, about the things that interest you. About the silly random things you think about. About the games you play. About everything, anything.

Sometimes you talk. You do, I'm not saying you don't at all. But it hurts when you say you have nothing to say to me. It hurts when you tell me that I HAVE to say rarr, or you will hang up the phone. That that is ALL you have to say to me. That you have nothing else to say to me. I am not being mean. I am TRYING to tell you something.

I am guessing tonight you will not call me anymore. I have tried calling you but you won't pick up, probably because you were at work. You don't want to talk to me now at all. I think you're out now though, sigh*

I'm not trying to be mean. And I hate feeling bad when I try to tell you that I need something from you. It's like you refuse to. I wasn't trying to be mean. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I hope you are OK. I hope you have a good night baby. I love you so much, you don't know how much.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I need to do homework, for days I've needed to do homework. But for days I haven't. My gosh, I am the laziest person I know. I want to do well this semester I really do, I need some drive. PLEASE GOD, HELP ME GET MOTIVATED!!! I am driving myself nuts here.

What do I have to do right now? I really don't know, cuz the assignments have piled up and I can't think straight, the volume of my to do list is overwhelming. Really it is. So let me just calm down and list it here... So that in years to come, I can just look back at this silly post and remember that IT CAN BE DONE!

-Render 4 pictures
-Math HW and studying
-Chapter 7 in Communication
-Learn 2 and 3rd step in Tai
-A-1 thru B-3 in Sketching Text
-E-mail HW to Ms. Moody
-E-mail absense excuse to Mr. Smith


Ok, so now that I have written it down, I'm through babbling and off to get things done... Before I have a nervous breakdown!!!!!

What Would I be?

What would the ocean be,
If the waves that came to be
Crashed ashore one at a time
Single mountains moving by?

And it's easier to see,
That without you I'm not me,
We've been pushing through,
I've been seeking you...
You've been waiting still for me.

Would the sky be as lively,
If at night but one star shone?
I'll never be at home,
If I don't keep on fighting.

It's ambiguous this loss,
I try to soak you in,
But it comes a time to cross,
Again the road of absence.

Without you what would I be?
I need you so I can breathe,
Hold my hand each time you dream,
Hold my heart and hold my dreams.

3 years ago...

It never fails... Every single time I think of that day, it feels so new. Like it was yesterday. It is crazy, it was just an e-mail. We weren't exactly neighbors anymore, the phone was also out of limit. Blah, you know the entire story, I just love thinking about it! I still get all giggly gosh!

Happy anniversary baby. THREE years and counting. Been through so much but we always stick together, we're always there for each other.

You know when you feel so happy you feel like crying? Maybe not, you're not the emotional girl in this relationship lol... It's like I'm so full of happiness, that it wants to overflow literally-

Three years. The number is so small. But I feel like we've been together forever. Sometimes I think it's because I'd spent so long thinking of what you'd be like, and how I'd know you're the one for me... Maybe I've known you in my heart all my life. Where would I be without you? I'm so lucky to have you. There is no one else like you. I love you.

Since It's Been Mentioned...

Love in my opinion (out of millions) has no real definition... We associate many emotions, affectionate actions, sacrifices, compromises, tolerance, forgiveness and many other things with love... There are rules that we are supposed to follow but aren't always.

I've tried defining this in many conversations with my special someone... But in the end, there is always too much left out and our definitions do tend to differ. And that's perfectly all right. I guess it's different for everyone. Which is why it's impossible for anyone to judge someone else's relationship as being either right or wrong. It's easy to talk when you are referring to someone else right. Another flaw in us humans lol.

My family hasn't seen many broken marriages. They tend to last a lifetime. Mom's parents have been married 54 years, Dad's for 52... Mom and dad are married for 27 years. Uncle Rusty and Nadene have been married for 24. But I think I've seen and learned some things about marriage, I'm not afraid of it, I have a good concept of it. Not saying that they're perfect or anything, cuz they sure as hell aren't... But those years can't lie I think... They must be doing something right. Seeing them gives me something to believe in. Otherwise I'd be in the dark.

I've seen patterns. There is in fact that balance, a negative attracts a positive. Dad's an optimist, Mom suffers from depression. Grandpa is messy, Grandma's a neat freak. Dad's mom is patient, his dad's isn't. Uncle Rusty is passive, Nadene is aggressive. But the one thing I have seen from ALL of them, not one or the other, is a selfless nature. One would give anything for the other. They need each other, and keeping each other happy is the most important thing to them.

I've asked my parents and my grandparents "Who is your number one priority in this world?" Their answers were "Each other... Because one day you leave home, you have kids and you work hard to keep together, and then your kids leave and here we are again alone. In the end we have each other, so we need to take care of each other." They say that having happy children is possible when both of you are happy. When they're not watching arguments, or mom crying or dad leaving the house angry. That you have to start by taking care of yourselves and your relationship because kids do sense when their parents are bitter and upset. I'd expected them to say their children, that's what I told them. They said, that taking yourself is taking care of them. They are a part of you and you need to be OK for them.

Love is more than roses and chocolates and the excitement you feel in the beginning. The years progress and you have to nurture it. Make sure you take the other person into account, after all that person is your other half, your partner, the one who should always have your back. How can you count on someone who won't take you into account? Commitment is more than just staying faithful, but it is responsibility, honesty, and consideration.

It does make me mad, that there are people who are let down by the ones they love. It shouldn't be that way... I think it's OK to be let down once in a while. Nobody is perfect and without the bad times, there wouldn't be any good ones. But love shouldn't be so hard should it? Blind faith implies that one person is there to hold your hand and guide you. You can close your eyes and not be afraid of where you're led to.

------------------------------------

Clouds

Forced to step off the cloud that's been carrying me throughout the years, onto a shiny slick surface, smooth and terrifying... Something new, a change, a threat... Why must I walk here now? Why, risk a break? I never used to look around before, I new every step I took would lead me from cloud to cloud, the hands of heaven beneath my feet.

When did I look down, when did I fall? Been hanging on and slipping off the edge, trying to climb, fighting to re-establish my place in the sky. I didn't know when I chose to walk among the angels that falling would be so easy. That I could fall and shatter beyond my will. I didn't realize that there was such a fine line between pain and paradise. Still something invisible to me keeps me there in constant struggle, believing fiercely that I belong in the sky. Thin ice, a sheet of ice with with jagged edges... I don't want to slip, I don't want to die. I'll reach up as long as there's hope, as long as I'm living... I'll reach up and my angel will catch me. I'll return to bliss again, where the warmth welcomely embraces me, where fear and doubt cannot reach me. Where I am strong and invincible. I'll be home with my angel, and nothing could ever hurt me again.

Time Management

So since time management is getting quite hectic - I figured I'd make a schedule blog... According to all the Interior Design professors I have encountered thus far, keeping a schedule is key to success in this field.

So baby, since we have been having a bit of a hard time dealing with time, I have decided to keep this blog that will tell my work schedule and school schedule... And other such dates. CLICK HERE TO VIEW.

Dark and Twisty

Finally back to posting, as I can see things are really busy with everyone too. So many worries at a time, I feel so overwhelmed now... I can only imagine paying my own bills and having children and a real career and all the crazy shit that comes with all of that. Can I do it? I really hope so. I just didn't realize when I was busy dreaming of my own house, marriage, children, and career, that all of these things come with their own special prices. Still despite the fear of all that responsibility, as crazy as I might be, I look forward to those things.

Every time I think I'm a mature adult, I get to thinking and discover how much growing up I still have left to do. I come to notice that I am not street-smart... That I am very guarded and am more than capable of distinguishing situations that could result in harm to me, but that I have very little malice. I know how to run and I know how to hide, but when the shit hits the fan, my bark is worse than my bite. I'm not saying that there aren't people I'd like to bite, let me admit that, but I am not capable of hurting anyone... Not even if they've hurt me.

I feel so incapable of defending myself. I'd like to be more independent. I'd love to stop hiding behind other people. Maybe Jorge is right. I am not assertive enough. People run over me because I have such a passive attitude. People tell me I'm vulnerable and prone to danger because of my size and inexperience. I never believed it until now. Again, that whole "I'm Invincible" feeling I had once is fading.

I feel so nervous about this semester in school. I want to do so well. I want to pass. Tuition costs went up again. From 2344.00 to around 2533.00... WHAT THE HECK?! So I feel more pressure to do well, but am less confident in myself. I haven't done as well as I'd hoped to in school. I know I can, but when the moment comes, I choke. I feel like I owe sooo much to mom and dad. They've given us so much. They have their flaws, but they are great parents. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I've never been denied anything I've wanted. Cars, school, new floors, pillow-top mattresses, crap I even have my own bathroom. I know sometimes I'm an ingrate... One day I'll be able to give them something in return too.

Mom and dad are such opposites. But for some reason, their relationship works. They love each other. Mom and dad only dated for a year before getting married. Just a year. It amazes me. I had told her that my friend Blanca has been with her boyfriend for over 4 years. She said today in the car, that young couples that have been in relationships for years since HS... Don't last long after marriage. She said that those relationships don't allow for the two involved to learn what's out there. That they find out later on that they've changed and that they're different.

I don't believe that. I have heard more about broken marriages that have been rushed into than broken marriages that took time to form. Actually I've never seen one that has been nurtured and developed and has failed as a marriage. My grandparents had feelings for each other since childhood, and look at them: 54 years. Mom got married to dad right after a divorce. She almost got cold feet the day of their wedding. I may be young but I have met and experienced other people. I've seen others get hurt and have been hurt my good share of times. And yes I do think that that helps us to understand what love is. But I think there are just no real rules for such things. Everyone is different. The success of a relationship depends on a couple's willingness to compromise, stick together, and fight for each other.

I have a positive outlook on life. My heart constantly tells me that no matter what comes my way, everything will be alright. That as long as a person believes that good will come and doesn't give up hoping and has faith, that everything will be alright for them. Even when those hopes are let down. It's strange that I do believe such things, as I am prone to depression, I feel sad a lot of the time, I cry a lot, I worry all the time, I keep to myself and prefer to remain distant from new people. I'm what has been defined as dark and twisty, but in the midst of all my sullen ways, there is much light in me, I glow with faith and hope. And though I may not be fierce and assertive, I'm not afraid to take risks and overcome the things that come my way.

I know I have to stop writing when my thoughts start bouncing in every direction lol, therefore I shall conclude this entry.

Have a great weekend and take care :)

Well I am waiting for some papers to print. I am applying to Starbucks. Hopefully I can make more money there and won't be stalked by 50 year old married men. I hate my current job, I don't fit in and I feel like I need something more fulfilling. Something that feels more official.

It's been so busy this past week. Between renovation, and paperwork, this month has been havoc. I just hope my baby's schooling goes alright. I want to help you in all that I can. I am tired and I have so much to do tonight. *Sigh I wish there was more time.

Filling out this application... Gosh I hope I get hired. PLEASE GOD PLEASE, let them hire me please.

I will keep writing in a sec. Gotta go.

We'll Be Together Again - Frank Sinatra

To My Baby

No tears, no fears,
remember there's always tomorrow
So what if we have to part,
we'll be together again
Your kiss, your smile,
are memories I'll treasure forever
So try thinking with your heart,
we'll be together again
Times when I know you'll be lonesome,
times when I know you'll be sad
Don't let temptation surround you,
don't let the blues make you bad
Someday, someway,
we both have a lifetime before us
For parting is not good-bye,
we'll be together again

Times when I know you'll be lonesome,
And times when I know you'll be sad
but don't let temptation surround you,
don't let the blues make you bad
Someday, someway,
we both have a lifetime before us
For parting is not good-bye,
we'll be together again

7-2-2007

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Baby! Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Feliz Feliz en tu dia,
amiguito que dios te bendiga,
que reine la paz en tu dia,
y que cumplas muchos mas!!!!!!!!!

Te estas poniendo viejo,
con cara de conejo!

Te Quiero mucho bebe :) <3

Summer Time

Time

Sunday was such a LOOOOOOOONG day... I feel tired physically, I ache as if I were already 80 lmao. However, I am satisfied with today. I feel different. After disappointing myself, I realized that I was so down, so miserable... because of myself.

I'd spent several nights last week wallowing in nothingness. It all built up inside me and it came out of me in such a negative way. The playback in my mind of my tantrum and bitchyness makes me feel ashamed of myself.

I was jealous. I dealt with my frustration the wrong way. For some reason, after all those nights I spent down, I found it so hard to control the way I felt when something that irked me triggered my offenses. I was such a bitch yesterday. I felt so much that I needed to be heard, like if I was heard then maybe I would get an understanding that would change the course of nights like these in the future. I felt like I lost so much, like I had been robbed of so much time.

But again in retrospect, I remember that we are two different people. That we handle different amounts of stresses and responsibilities each and every day and that we deal with these in different ways. Just because I don't want to hang out with a friend, doesn't mean he doesn't want to. But I feel like that was precious time... I wanted to be with him so bad... I got jealous.

*sigh, what a crappy emotion jealousy huh?

But anyway.... So I have been learning to plan my time. I lose some one day but gain some on other days. I didn't feel like doing much today, usually all I want to do is stay in my room and talk to him ALL DAY LONG hehe. Unfortunately, life does happen lol, and we have other things to do. So I decided that because we need to remove all the carpet from the house by Friday, that I would get ahead and finish my room up, so that there would only be 2 left. On Tuesday I want to be free, nothing to do. I want to spend it with him. Be able to say, no I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go so I will be right here when you have time to call me. All my time is for you today :)

Taking all the carpet in my room took the entire day, but I did it. Also managed clean my room (now I need to tidy it and get rid of any old clothes or knick-knacks I have laying around) and slightly re-decorate it too (I get bored if it is the same for too long.)

I work at 2 today I think... get out at 7:30. I can't wait to talk to you in the morning baby :D I am going to sleep right now so that I wake up when that phone rings. Good night world.

I hope this week brings good things to you.

-midget OWT-

My Heart's Prayer

All I can think of is you. Of how much I miss you and how terribly I wish I were there with you right now, and everyday for that matter. I feel guilty so much of the time, for being here and not there. Missing days and months worth of time I could be spending beside you. People always told me, that part of growing up is the realization that we are not as powerful as we think we are in our childhood or as capable of controlling where we end up or how we get there. There must be something I missed along the way... What is it that I have to do in order to go home?

At times, the amount of regret I carry by my heart swallows me whole. If I could go back in time, I'd do so much different. Then I could justify my actions, and the trust I once broke wouldn't be so broken. I'd be there with you, and you would never be lonely. I wish I could give you so much more than this wait. Other times, I set that regret aside and think of how much I've learned, and that every step I have taken has somehow led me to you and to discover how much I love you. I've said it so many times, I am so thankful for you. I'd never change anything that's happened between you and I.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming. Time is so heavy on my chest. I just pray, every night, through tears and laughter, that I don't stop making you happy. That I can go home to you soon. I ask Him if my need for you is selfish. I pray for you baby, every night... All the time. I pray, and I know He hears me.

-Rain Drops-

It RAINED! Thank heavens it rained! the lack of rain has kept many from watering their lawns, and me from filling up my pool. I hope it rains just a bit more.

Tomorrow grandma is going back to PR... I am sad, because it is only when she is here that my family is relatively normal. She keeps mom in one piece. I will miss her and her grandma jokes (in the past years she has developed a pretty awesome sense of humor!)

I went to see a newly built house today. Beautiful. I want a house of my own so badly. Hardwood cherry floors, 2 stories, 1 master, 2 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1 guest bathroom, kitchen, dining room, formal dining room, TV room with fireplace, nice front porch, nice back yard, 2 car garage. OMG it was beautiful. I want it!

I took a family relations course this summer, learned so many things and made me think about the things I want.

-I don't want a big house
-Don't want an expensive car, my focus will do just fine
-I want to get married at or after 25
-I don't want to have children immediately...
-I prefer marriage to pre-marital cohabitation
-I still want a Labrador
-I worry about moving far from mom and dad, but I do NOT want to stay in TN
-I don't like it in TN
-I prefer VA's organization and advanced development to the stage of growth TN is under right now, though cost of living is high in VA...
-When I move away from home, I want to visit mom and dad frequently
-I have realized how dangerous the world can be, but do not believe in sheltering myself and hiding from the good things the world has to offer, because of the risks and dangers.
-I am a social person, but prefer to stay at a distance and not feel responsible for people who will not devote themselves to my well-being as much as I would to theirs. (Too many times already)
-I want to grow up, but not lose awe in the good things in life, I want to keep believing that good will overcome evil in the big scheme of things.

Mirror Me

Is there anything new to say? Has this blog been filled with redundancy? Constant repetition? I don't even know. I just know that I have instilled pieces of myself here, and to preserve the essence of my existence, I have but to spill my words onto this keyboard and provide myself a bit of written satisfaction. Reflection to remind myself that I am moving forward, progressing and changing into something more than the lunatic my siblings believe I am... The charity case my mother believes me to be.

What am I? If you could describe me what would you say? What is your honest opinion? What do you see in this mirror of myself I have posted in my entries? This is I hope an adequate portrait of who I am? I've released my sincerest thoughts, worries, hopes and desires here.

So many in my life conceive me in different ways. So which am I? The independent, decisive, intelligent star amidst my siblings? Am I the odd one? A recluse afraid of the world, scarred by my mistakes, in denial afraid to accept that I am not all right and that I need help in order to step out of a shell I've built to protect myself from everyone around me?

Two people who I adore convince me that I am what I want to be. That I am just fine the way I am. That I am beautiful and smart. That just because I am different, I am not strange. That I am perfect the way I am. I'm not crazy. I'm not broken. I'm not tainted. I'm just me. Thank you dad, for knowing me as myself. For knowing that I do bleed when I'm cut. Thank you my baby... Because you know me better than anyone else. You've taken the time to get to know me, to understand me, to listen to me. Thank you for always being there for me.

It does hurt, when I'm judged so harshly. When I try hard, in the only way I can to be loving and supportive... Even to ask for help. It hurts when I'm told I am cold and hard. It's hard sometimes for me to show how I feel, because I get shot down when I try.

I know sometimes I am cold, I know I can be mean. I admit I'm not perfect. I have hurt them too. But it's easier to hide beneath a cap of ice, than to show you when I'm hurt or when I'm sorry. When I've lost.

I meant to write about other things tonight. I don't know how I got started thinking so much about who I am... But what I meant to convey here originally was:

-I am so proud of you baby, you work so hard. Time goes by so slow when I'm far from you... And too quickly when I need to spend some with you. I miss you and I love you, and nothing, not time or distance can change that. I wish I could call you right now lol, this night-time habit of mine has got to stop lol. I have to go to sleep soon. I am going to pick up that phone in the morning if it's the last thing I do haha.

-Happy birthday to Gabriel :) You're growing so fast. I remember when I met you, you were still so tiny, I was able to carry you with one arm all around, all day hehe. You are such a sweet boy.

-Sigh* I think my writing bubble just burst. I will go to sleep now, I'm exhausted. Did some exercise today and I think I broke a rib or something ;) My bones are rusty! Well goodnight, *yawn. I hope you had a great 3 day weekend and that you have a great week too.

Just some pictures

Pancho Villa in a sophisticated doggy coat
Christmas dinner
My random pic of my and my new camera
Me not matching, it's rude to point yadi, and dad in his yellow daddy uniform
How did I end up in that chair? Nice antlers ladies
Roger the elf shield

grandma likes this picture
Pancho Deer and Zuli Darling
Gramps and I

Me digging for lost doggy bone treasures
I miss my room

My first time on the ice

Our Own Sky

Here in the dark,
I held your hand,
Right here we'd been together, we were complete.
I stood among a sea of stars,
You held my hand and took me drifting in dreams.


Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

So many times,
Here side by side,
We've walked above the moon on rivers of lilies,
Somewhere we've built within our hearts,
Vast paradise, still much to discover.

Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

Close you're eyes when you're alone think of me,
I'm always there remember when you're lonely,
Soon we won't have to dream baby, we'll live
Under our own sky,
Someday our own sky...

I feel worn out. Worn down. Home, this place I live in... Is the place where I can least be myself. I feel misplaced, and spoiled and selfish at the same time. I can't say anything anymore, not my opinion, not a question... Nothing, because I make things worse with my mother... My poor sick mother... My poor sick mother. I don't know anything anymore, about her. About what to say to her, or how to get close to her, or how to please her. I feel so confused. I am so confused about what I'm supposed to do or be when I'm here... in this place I live in. And I know I should not try to change me for anyone... I feel so alone here.

I have said so many times, in this house.... I want to go home. Baby, I miss you so much. I am sorry I have been so grouchy, tempermental... That's the last thing I want to be like with you. I feel so messed up. Uprooted. I miss you so much. I wish you were awake.

I keep asking God for help... What is it that I'm doing so wrong? What is it I'm not seeing, that I feel like an outsider in my own house?

I hope you don't feel so lonely anymore, like before. I know I'm not there with you all the time. I know I can't hold you and I don't always pick up the phone. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could always be there.

I need you so much. I love you baby, so much.

:) Another Pretty Silver One

Thank you so much Vani and D. for helping Mike get his car :)

5-5-07

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAILEY :)
FROM: ME <3>

Small Gallery

Diaries Are Meant For Dumping Out What's Within. :)

Of course I can't sleep. I slept like a crazy woman last night.

So can you guess? I am pensive once again.

Now is my time, to look around. To look in the mirror of my life.

Mom's in PR... I think a lot about her now. She has been gone a week, and will be gone for much longer. I know daddy is lonely. I'm not the only one missing the person I love.

I failed. I failed every class but one. I'm not terribly upset this time though. I know I let frustrations bring me down. I gave up, for the first time in my life. And I think I needed the break. I know that this summer, I'll do great. I know that the 18 credits in the fall will be a piece of cake if I bring my old self back. I'm the kind of person who never had to study to pass. But when I do study, I do a hell of a job. I am capable I know, and that's why I'm not upset. Because I didn't fail because I'm dumb... but because I didn't try. I'm not falling behind or anything. I am just so sorry mom and dad, because that money came out of your pockets. I'm sorry. I promise I will do better now.

I've gained weight from working at that blasted restaraunt. But I'll get to fixing that too. I wonder when I got such a huge apetite sheesh, I eat like a man lol.

I do, I have so many bad habits. But step by step, little by little, I'll change that. I'll do better, for me. So I don't go crazy with my grades or with my messy room lol. So I make mom and dad proud. So I make my baby proud. So I can feel proud of myself too.

But I'm not complaining about myself right now, despite what this post may seem. I stopped for a secomd and asked myself "are you happy?" And yes, for the first time since I've been in this dreaded state, I am happy. I am happy where I am in life right now. I know that right now, I have to be here at home. That despite the distance, I have the love of an angel. I know that everything will be alright. Someday, my dreams will come true, all of them. Someday we'll be together and everything I'm working so hard for right now will pay off.

Life Life to the Fullest

Ok I am pissed now... What the hell is wrong with people. Yesterday, so many people died because of some mad man's stupidity...

The following are emails sent to all University of Tennessee students this morning:


Date:
04/17/07 09:10 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] IMPORTANT: Engineering Building and Race/Founders buildings evacuated
Attachments:

Campus Police and City of Chattanooga Police Bomb Squad have responded to phoned-in threats at the Engineering Building and the Hooper-Race-Founders buildings. These buildings are being evacuated. More information will be made available as soon as I can.


Date:
04/17/07 09:56 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] More information about the building evacuations
Attachments:

Bomb threats were called in to two offices earlier today. As a result of these calls, the Engineering, Computer Science, and Mathematics Building (EMCS) and Race and Founders Halls (Hooper Hall is already closed for renovations).At this time, the UTC Campus Police and the Chattanooga City Police are scanning the buildings. Nothing suspicious have been found at this point. Once the scans are complete and everything is found to be clear, the buildings will be reopened and classes and operations in these sites will continue.Classes and operations resume in all other buildings, and we hope to return these buildings to service as soon as possible.I will share more information with you as it comes to me.


Date:
04/17/07 10:31 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] Update: EMCS has been cleared
Attachments:

I am sending this for Chuck Cantrell. The EMCS building has been cleared and will be reopen soon.
--Charity


Date:
04/17/07 11:47 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] Updated on this morning's situation
Attachments:

This morning's situation is still under police investigation, but I can report that all of the buildings that were evacuated this morning have been thoroughly scanned by police and reopened. Classes and administrative operations have resumed.A bomb threat was called in earlier today to an office in the Engineering, Computer Science and Mathematics Building and the caller referenced our Graduate School. Based on this call, Campus Police evacuated both buildings.The police and bomb squad scans of the buildings found nothing suspicious. Thank you for your patience and cooperation during this time of stress and confusion.

What kind of crap is this? It's sickening. But it makes me think... anything can happen. And you never know if today is last you'll see... Live life to the fullest...

I Can't Say In Words How much, or Why I love you... But you can read this, and everything I do... And hopefully you'll know the answers someday.

How many people feel that the person who loves them, and who they love... saved their lives? Rescued them from something that had killed their spirit, or nearly ended their lives?

I think all the time... Maybe too much. I think about my life, and how it's changed over and over again... Sometimes for the better and others not so much. I think about the way I am and why I am that way.

It's amazing, love I mean. The first time you say those three words to anyone, my gosh, it's so easy to believe you mean it. It's so easy to imagine good things and to let yourself go with childish illusions because of a lack of malice and wisdom. A rough moment and then it's so easy to despise that same person you only "said"those words to.

It's indescribeable though, the first time you say those three words to one person... and mean it with everything in your soul and your heart. To love someone because you DO love them... Not because you love the thought of loving them... Am I confusing you?

I think about my life before you... It's true, I felt like I had nothing to live for. I was broken, and down. I was wounded, and nothing was ever going to bring me out of it. I was worth nothing, atleast I didn't think so.

And for some reason, I don't quite know... A call a day, your voice on that phone. I looked forward to something, a bit of light to help me forget for a while what I'd been through, and how alone I felt. You became what I looked forward to each day. And I didn't know why, and "love" was not quite yet something I had in mind... But you made me feel alive again. I saw you like an angel, there to show me that I'm not alone, and that I do matter.

Dramatic right? I mean all was not lost. I had my family and life. No friends though, not real ones. No one to trust or who'd understand me or who'd even listen.

And we started growing together. Sharing more and more, bonding. A bond that grows stronger as we grow together.

You mended me baby, it's true. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm not weak. You've helped me see that I am worthy of respect, and honesty, and devotion. You've helped me see that I can pick myself up now when I fall, regardless what caused me to. And now I can be strong for you too, I am strong for you as I am for me. I can be there for you when you need me now, in a way I could not when I was broken.

I can't say I'm perfect, at times sadness and pain do bring me down. I do breakdown... Don't we all? I do need you baby, I need you every second of my life. But not to keep me from breaking, or falling. Not just for support. But because I need to share my life with you and love you and I need your love too.

Life. When I say life, I mean that thing we do everyday regardless of how we feel or of how much we don't feel like it anymore.

Living. That's what I call it when you can trully enjoy and embrace that which I defined above, life. When you can't ask for more, you have all you've ever dreamt of. You bring me joy baby, laughter, healing, peace, warmth. You are all that is good in my life.

Easter 07

Our Chocolate Bunny by our Easter Lily and our other plant whose species I know not lol... We haven't given it butt or ear reduction yet lol.

<>
,,Middle right- My wannabe pepsi egg and rabbit egg>>
<>

So we tried something new today... The pictures above are symbols of the results. First we had a HUGE breakfast... Pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast... Yeah, I ate all of that hehe. Then we had lunch. My favorite, pork chops, mofongo (really good, made of plantains), white rice. And we played a game.

An Easter Egg Hunt.
We had a raffle. Drew out an assigned name and color for the person. Each of us hid 6 eggs. Different colors for each person.
-I drew green, so I hid eggs from Jorge.
-He got orange, so he hid eggs from me.
-Mom got yellow, she hid them from Yadi.
-Yadi got blue, she hid them from dad.
-Dad got pink, so he hid them from mom.

It was pretty fun actually. I've eaten more peanut butter cups than I could handle lol.

It was nice to spend time with the family, been a while. Since my birthday I think.

I also cleaned out my fountain, lit a candle, and sat and prayed for a little while, since I didn't get to go to church. Easter isn't just about candy you know ;)

I hope you guys had a great easter weekend. :) Cuidense mucho! Muah!

Work = Rewards

Currently very annoyed at Blogger… The stupid login page isn’t working… Therefore, this post was originally typed up using word… If I don’t write right now, I will go nuts, even though my subjects aren’t so urgent. But I gotta do what I gotta do right?

So I am in the midst of a personal makeover… I think that 2 week vacation and time with Mike rejuvenated me.

Well lets see, what changes am I talking about? For one thing, I actually went out for once the other day. I played kickball in the dark with a group of friends from work… It was ok, I just don’t think I am a fan of kickball. And I also missed Mike the entire time I was there. It is much more fun to play while he is around (even if it is ultimate Frisbee lol). I hurt my toe of course, I am very accident prone lmao. It looks like a dissected sausage haha.

I also painted the unfinished section of the red T.V. room I started painting almost a year ago. It is now complete.

I painted my bathroom. It used to have this obnoxious vertically striped yellow and white wallpaper… UGH! It was horrid. So I took some time off my busy *yeah right lol* schedule this week and primed it and painted it a nice minty green color. This renovation hurt my pocket seeing as though I am now more broke than the tecatos holding cups on the road and asking for change in Puerto Rico lol… I spent money on bright green towels, and bath rugs, a bathroom cup for my toothpaste in a creamy white with light-green leaves on it, a soap dish and my toothbrush holder. I know I know, it sounds like too much green, but it is actually very refreshing. It livened up that boring uncoordinated bathroom J

I bought stuff to fix my bike too, and went bike riding once last week. But the heat has been mean and I don’t dare go out there until it cools off just a little. Maybe when it gets a little darker out I will go again. That is if I don’t work.

Right now I’m in the process of cleaning my room, and throwing away junk that I’ve managed to pile up in my cabinets and closet. I need to do my laundry today. I’m also getting away from the entire slacking in school habit. I have homework to do tonight and I plan on gittin r dooone.

I’m also happy that I’ve been able to help you out on some stuff baby. But I am so proud, I see you doing everything you have to do to reach your goals. Now you just need to tolerate those 4 boring hours of drivers ed on the weekends, and we’ll get to studying for your GED soon (cuz I know we are swamped with things to do right now huh?) This month will be rough, cuz I am getting more hours at work, cuz money is of the essence… and I see you’re finding time for work on your busy schedule too. Just thinking about everything makes me exhausted. This is my last month to raise my grades this semester. And we both know you have your hands full lol.

It’s good though, to have something to accomplish. Otherwise, you can get to feeling pointless after a while.

I think things are looking up. I miss you though. I can't wait to see you again. But everything will be ok :) Remember that I'm here to help you in anything you need baby anything.

Well, off to do my laundry now. Lots of Lurv to all of yous <3>

Zuli over N out-

venting

He is afraid to be let down... To have his hopes raised and then dropped down because someone who promised something let him down...

I get so frustrated sometimes. How is it that I have all this stuff, everything has come to me. And he has to fight so hard for these things. Things that I just realized, I take for granted most of the time.

What am I talking about? The xbox on my TV, I didn't pay for that. A room with my own bathroom. I didn't pay for that. The car I got in 2004... It came so easily to me. The college education dad is paying for, the one sometimes I feel I'd like to give up on... IT HAS ALL BEEN GIVEN TO ME.

And it frustrates me to a point so painful that he hasn't gotten half of what I have. He has everything he needs right now... A home, and food, and he is ok... He has so many people that love him and care for him... He is rich in that sense. But what about tomorrow. Where are his tools for a better tomorrow? He has to work his ass of in order to inch his way to getting these things, all alone. And I know he is worried about these things.

I was so excited. For once, he was going to get a car... The one that was taken to repair, he'd been watching the arrival of a part for that car eagerly, cuz it meant he'd have a car... And a car meant he could get a better job and drive to work, and earn more money, so he could pay for college little by little.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO. Apparently the plans for that car have been changed for some reason... To what? No idea... And he's left once again with very little time to earn a lot of money for a car and then school, and no transportation in order to get to work. That car, was supposed to be his... And this kind of thing keeps happening to him. He tells me, "guess what, I'm getting a car!" a while later, "no not getting it anymore." It always happens... Something always gets in the way! Why?

I wish I could help him. I know he feels alone... Having to fend for himself in order to get somewhere in life. Life is hard I know. Many people don't have it as simple as I do. But I wish I could help. I wish I could do something... It irritates me that I have someone driving me to success for me... And he doesn't have that. What can I do?

2 weeks... when is forever?

Dear God,

Thank you so much, for letting us be together for these 2 weeks... I live for being with him. It feels like too little time though. Why can't I be by him always? Why do we have to wait so long to once again live such endless joy?

God, so many obstacles we face, just as we overcome others... I know we are strong... I know we can make it... But regardless our strength, "until next time" still hurts deeply. It stings and we suffer, without knowing why it must be so. Please God, help us... Help me find a way home. Help us be together soon. Please.

I've learned so much about him. Like, that he is very patient with me, even when I'm annoying and I whine. I love it when he's hungry and I hunt something down for him to eat lol. Cooking or finding some place he'd like to eat at, hehe, I take deep satisfaction in taking care of him. Making sure he doesn't forget anything, and holding him when he is sad or tired or just because. I'm so sure that he and I can co-exist under one roof without killing each other.

He is very helpful :) I can't believe how much work he did, ON VACATION lol. Moving exercise equipment, and furniture, and sweeping, and cleaning countertops, and taking weeds off the front yard. Bringing me napkins when I spill stuff and spoiling me every chance he gets.

His spaghetti is to die for lol. <>

He shares everything with me. And tolerates my lesser skill at racing games, and tetris :$ He'd be great at baseball too :) <>. You know you like the game :D It is so much fun to swim with him, cuz he isn't afraid of the high diving board and cuz he sticks by me the whole time and doesn't let my evil brother pull me away from him ;)

He makes me feel better everytime I'm sad or I cry... When I'm mad he calms me down. My hair could be a wreck and I could look like night of the living dead, and this man will still look at me in the eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. He supports me and is there for me, and stands up for me.

God, thank You so much for bringing him into my life. I am the luckiest being alive, because you brought us together, because you blessed me with his presence. Thank You... I am so grateful for him. I will always love and treasure him... Devote myself to taking care of him and loving him. He is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Still, my heart hurts right now. Because in a few hours, he'll be gone again. It's hard to be apart. I miss him so much, too much. Please don't let it be long til I see him again... I can't wait to never leave his side again.

Baby... I want you to know that everything will be ok. I love you so much. You are my everything, and I need you and I will always be there for you to take care of you and share my life with you. I'll be with you again soon. We'll be together soon baby...

I love you.