Summer Time

Time

Sunday was such a LOOOOOOOONG day... I feel tired physically, I ache as if I were already 80 lmao. However, I am satisfied with today. I feel different. After disappointing myself, I realized that I was so down, so miserable... because of myself.

I'd spent several nights last week wallowing in nothingness. It all built up inside me and it came out of me in such a negative way. The playback in my mind of my tantrum and bitchyness makes me feel ashamed of myself.

I was jealous. I dealt with my frustration the wrong way. For some reason, after all those nights I spent down, I found it so hard to control the way I felt when something that irked me triggered my offenses. I was such a bitch yesterday. I felt so much that I needed to be heard, like if I was heard then maybe I would get an understanding that would change the course of nights like these in the future. I felt like I lost so much, like I had been robbed of so much time.

But again in retrospect, I remember that we are two different people. That we handle different amounts of stresses and responsibilities each and every day and that we deal with these in different ways. Just because I don't want to hang out with a friend, doesn't mean he doesn't want to. But I feel like that was precious time... I wanted to be with him so bad... I got jealous.

*sigh, what a crappy emotion jealousy huh?

But anyway.... So I have been learning to plan my time. I lose some one day but gain some on other days. I didn't feel like doing much today, usually all I want to do is stay in my room and talk to him ALL DAY LONG hehe. Unfortunately, life does happen lol, and we have other things to do. So I decided that because we need to remove all the carpet from the house by Friday, that I would get ahead and finish my room up, so that there would only be 2 left. On Tuesday I want to be free, nothing to do. I want to spend it with him. Be able to say, no I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go so I will be right here when you have time to call me. All my time is for you today :)

Taking all the carpet in my room took the entire day, but I did it. Also managed clean my room (now I need to tidy it and get rid of any old clothes or knick-knacks I have laying around) and slightly re-decorate it too (I get bored if it is the same for too long.)

I work at 2 today I think... get out at 7:30. I can't wait to talk to you in the morning baby :D I am going to sleep right now so that I wake up when that phone rings. Good night world.

I hope this week brings good things to you.

-midget OWT-

My Heart's Prayer

All I can think of is you. Of how much I miss you and how terribly I wish I were there with you right now, and everyday for that matter. I feel guilty so much of the time, for being here and not there. Missing days and months worth of time I could be spending beside you. People always told me, that part of growing up is the realization that we are not as powerful as we think we are in our childhood or as capable of controlling where we end up or how we get there. There must be something I missed along the way... What is it that I have to do in order to go home?

At times, the amount of regret I carry by my heart swallows me whole. If I could go back in time, I'd do so much different. Then I could justify my actions, and the trust I once broke wouldn't be so broken. I'd be there with you, and you would never be lonely. I wish I could give you so much more than this wait. Other times, I set that regret aside and think of how much I've learned, and that every step I have taken has somehow led me to you and to discover how much I love you. I've said it so many times, I am so thankful for you. I'd never change anything that's happened between you and I.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming. Time is so heavy on my chest. I just pray, every night, through tears and laughter, that I don't stop making you happy. That I can go home to you soon. I ask Him if my need for you is selfish. I pray for you baby, every night... All the time. I pray, and I know He hears me.

-Rain Drops-

It RAINED! Thank heavens it rained! the lack of rain has kept many from watering their lawns, and me from filling up my pool. I hope it rains just a bit more.

Tomorrow grandma is going back to PR... I am sad, because it is only when she is here that my family is relatively normal. She keeps mom in one piece. I will miss her and her grandma jokes (in the past years she has developed a pretty awesome sense of humor!)

I went to see a newly built house today. Beautiful. I want a house of my own so badly. Hardwood cherry floors, 2 stories, 1 master, 2 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1 guest bathroom, kitchen, dining room, formal dining room, TV room with fireplace, nice front porch, nice back yard, 2 car garage. OMG it was beautiful. I want it!

I took a family relations course this summer, learned so many things and made me think about the things I want.

-I don't want a big house
-Don't want an expensive car, my focus will do just fine
-I want to get married at or after 25
-I don't want to have children immediately...
-I prefer marriage to pre-marital cohabitation
-I still want a Labrador
-I worry about moving far from mom and dad, but I do NOT want to stay in TN
-I don't like it in TN
-I prefer VA's organization and advanced development to the stage of growth TN is under right now, though cost of living is high in VA...
-When I move away from home, I want to visit mom and dad frequently
-I have realized how dangerous the world can be, but do not believe in sheltering myself and hiding from the good things the world has to offer, because of the risks and dangers.
-I am a social person, but prefer to stay at a distance and not feel responsible for people who will not devote themselves to my well-being as much as I would to theirs. (Too many times already)
-I want to grow up, but not lose awe in the good things in life, I want to keep believing that good will overcome evil in the big scheme of things.