2010

Here goes another year. It's been a long year, full of good times and hard times... Nothing more and nothing less can be expected from each coming year. But one can hope for me good than bad.

This is the time of the year when many people reflect on the occurrences of the past year... And it's been a long year. Did I already say that? LOL.

My baby came to be with me. My dad left... My sister found a love. My brother left one behind. After tomorrow our baby's year will begin. I've gotten to know my new family, I even won the affection of the babies :)

And I dig much deeper into these things and even more. I'm sad that through this year much remained unresolved. That my mom and dad are alone. That I couldn't make it all go away. I think that has been the most painful thing for me... The pain I know mom is feeling, and the gut feeling that some day dad will regret his decision.

I used to cry all the time. I want to cry even now. But I know there is nothing I can do. I will end this year conflicted and angry that this happened. Because it made me doubt things that I believed in passionately. Left and right I saw so many who left or were left by their loved one... And yet there they remained, mom and dad and grandma and grandpa together. So effortlessly bound in love. And now it's only grandma and grandpa that remain, and I fear at times that because they are from another era, there is no one else that could be like them. 57 years.

Here we are now at our 5th month. I was petrified at first and I'd never been before. But I love Mike with all my heart and I will remain true to that for as long as I live. I pray every day that we aren't like all the others. That we're not plagued by divorce as so many others have been.

And here comes our little one. I feel this baby kicking everyday stronger... Sometimes I'm scared I won't be a good mom. The kicks at times are foreign to me. All I know right now is that someone's renting a space inside me and I don't even know who they are... I know that I love this person very much... So much it scares me. Because one day this person will depend on me, and later go into the world with all the resources I've provided. I just hope I can provide enough as a mother.

I look forward to 2010. To mom and dad finally coming to a happy medium in their divorce and carrying on. To Yadi possibly progressing with Lenny. To Jorge succeeding in those crazy dreams he's pursued with determination. To getting to know my new family. To growing with Mike. To meeting our baby.

So here's my farewell to 2009 and my warm welcome to 2010.

Responsibilites

Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed. Between making sure I'm doing what I have to do at home, keeping my job, and getting back in gear for school... AAH!! It's such a short list, but the things I do seem immensely large.

I guess I'm playing hard ball now at work. I hope I don't lose my job. Ever since I took the lead position, I'm very wary of who I make friends with. I noticed how jealous Carlos is of me. He hired me with Oscar initially. At the time, he was the only supervisor. He is 31 and has 3 kids. You can tell when he speaks that he isn't very smart. Imagine the shock he felt when 3 months after I start working there I replace him as Lead Super... Someone at work told me he cried the day it happened. But I do notice snippy comments from him. I notice how insecure he is about his job. No one in the company really likes him. His forte lies in excel spreadsheets. The other day I out did him on one... And I'm a beginner. I guess he felt cornered. I showed him my spreadsheet and he tried to make changes. I said very nicely "no no no, wait wait wait wait." Somehow this compelled him to slam his fists on the desk and storm to his cube and shout at me "If you had just shut the hell up!" At this point, I was angry and the only thing I could say was "How dare you!? Don't you dare start that with me now, sit down!" I called my manager and instead of handling this accordingly, he calls Carlos behind my back and tells him a mere, "don't do that again" and lets him off the hook because he admitted to what he did (though he only admitted it because everyone saw him do it.) This further pissed me off. So I called the company CEO and told him. Today I wrote Carlos up. I saw the anger in his face. He looked like he was going to cry. But these men need to know that just because I'm young, and a girl that they can't just brush me off like I don't matter. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I have a couple of new enemies at work. Oh well. I do my job and I do it well. As long as I do that, I should be fine. I just paid for our school books.

I really need the reimbursement from our grant. I am REALLY tight with money now. Just thinking about it makes me panic. I mean I know I will be fine. I just don't like to feel like I'm in a tight spot. Rent is due tomorrow and I just paid our books. UGH... I have to do groceries on Thursday. Let me just stop thinking about it.

This makes me wonder though. I fired a lady today. She was receiving government assistance. She got free cab rides and everything. But she was one of those people who thrive off of their unfortunate circumstances. She constantly asked for money and free give-aways. Her boyfriend doesn't work... He just took her 2 and 5 year old daughters to the stop sign of a 4 lane intersection and held up a sign in the hot sun that said he was unemployed and needed help. How can you exploit your children like that.. Get a damn job! If I can do it, so can you! Her 2 year old was wearing the same clothes for a week... They had lice...

My gosh,, if I had kids, I would do anything and everything to keep them living well so they wouldn't be missing anything. I'm waiting for Mike to get out of class. I got out at 6:45 but I thought I'd wait for him to get out. I miss him during the day. It's nice to know he is so close. There is so much to write about... But this keyboard is making my fingers hurt. I guess I'm used to the laptop keyboard. Well, that's a wrap!

G'night pplz <3>

Z.L.T.

I miss my blog ever so dearly. With the hustle and bustle of everyday life and responsibility little things like this are overlooked.

I miss writing about things, like the fact that our dog ignores me when I talk to him. That Mike talks and the dog goes nuts, and brings him his favorite toys... YOU DUMB DOG, I raised your ass! You slept on my pillow for months! You went everywhere with me until you got huge! Little ingrate!

LOL - It's cute though, how he idolizes Mike.

I have the day off tomorrow <> I realize that most of the time when I have a day off I don't even know what to do with that time off. Except when I'm miles away at a beautiful beach.

There's the usual on my mind... I worry a lot about Mike. I could tell him this in a conversation, but he'd just look at me like I were over-complicating life... Like I'm worrying over nothing and think too much. That's what he always tells me, that I think too much.

Sometimes I know he has things on his mind and asking him to tell me about them is like pulling teeth with no anesthetics... (Surgery with no anesthesia... I'm beginning to subconsciously pick up on this crazy music LOL.

It's growing on me... That music I mean. I'm kind of getting excited about that concert in November. I prefer Mastodon over Dethklok though.

I'm learning to cook all kinds of fun stuff now. I made my first beef stew a month ago... The day before yesterday I made pot roast. Surprisingly, nothing so far tastes bad. And I haven't succumb to the cook book yet lol.

Mike learned to make some good shiznits too... Breaded chicken breast - mmmmm. He made that so yummy. With white rice and fries. But maybe I should stop thinking about food for now... Seeing as though it's 10:31pm and my metabolism runs at half a mile per millennium.

I think I'll go to bed in a little while. After watching Mike play Dynasty Warriors for a while and he surrenders to the sweet comfort of our down comforter.

Good night, and sweet dreams.

Z.L.T.

Together

"Together"

The Fray

As the spring in its bloom, the summer stars and the moon
Come and dance with me my love, and we will be one.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you.

As the leaves and the trees, the oceans celebrate you and me.
We will live to see many days, and we will dream, we'll dream.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you

The Effects of Dr. Pepper

Having a full-time job isn't so bad I guess. Except for the fact that I spend all day missing Mike... I've been able to pay half of my bills so far... earning 3-6 times as much as I was earning at my old job. Things are looking up financially.

Been looking forward to my days off so I can spend time with him. The pic above was taken at coolidge park. I had such a good time with him that day... We really didn't do much, but walk around and stare at the river... We threw big rocks in for a while... But I think it was wonderful. I hope we can go again tomorrow. I never had anyone to go with before now :)

I drank lots of Dr. Pepper before coming home. My shift ended at 1am... So I was a bit tired. And now I'm just pensive...

Things at home are strange... Getting used to the idea of mom and dad not being mom AND dad... But mom or dad.

There hasn't been food made at home for a while... It's digging into Mike's pocket... So I think I am going to just prepare dishes for the week one day a week and put them in the freezer so he can just fix them up when he gets home and not have to spend forever cooking or waste money on junk... Just have to get the hang of this full time thing.

I got my ring a couple of days ago... haha thinking about it makes me smile. I thought it hadn't gotten in yet (had to have it resized) He gave me a convincing story about how it wasn't ready yet, even sounded angry when he told me. Evil lol. I get home and we're sitting on the sofa... And he looks at me and asks me to honestly answer a question. Of course I said ok... Next thing I know, he is on his knee, with a ring box in his hands. OMG hehehe it makes me all giggly!

Needless to say I'm never taking this ring off. I don't understand why men don't get engagement rings though... Hmmmmmm...

So now I realize that for the hundredth time I am rambling on my blog at nearly 3 am. I'm starting to finally get sleepy. So I guess I will doze off now...

Been a while so I hope you guys are ok :)

Good night <3

I Think It's Over

What is there to do now? What will things be like now that dad will be gone, my one stable parental figure...

How will mom do from now on? I've got to admit I'm really scared. I want to cry but I think there's no point in that. It's over... 2 Pieces of me are going in different directions.

I guess I just have to live my own life. Grow and do what I need to do. I know everything will eventually be alright. But still, I never thought this would happen to me. I'm looking right now to reach out to someone, anyone who can tell me what comes next, how do I deal, what is expected of me... What do I do?

I understand them both... I know that mom doesn't care about herself. That she has no interests. That she is sick and taking care of her is draining. I know that she is childish, and manipulative... That she is hard headed and bratty. That she has done so many things to herself physically (surgeries) that she has altered herself and may not be desirable to him anymore. I blame her for not realizing why he wanted to leave. For not seeing what everyone else can see plainly.

I know that she has given him her life. That she has raised his children, been there with him through thick and thin. That she even gave him another chance after what happened on valentines day. That dad can be abrupt and rude. That he can be closed minded. I blame him for having wasted her life, when he could have done this years ago and retained custody of us if leaving us with an unstable mother was what he was worried about.

I knew they weren't reconciled. I knew it wasn't working. Dad just doesn't love her the way a man should love his wife anymore. I guess this is just something that happens during the course of life. Not to everyone... It just happens...

It's not easy to swallow. I'm having a hard time thinking of what the rest of my life will be like. Will my children know both of their grandparents well. Will we keep in contact all the time. Will we drift apart? I'm scared of that. What do we do on the holidays? Who do we visit? How do you choose?

My heart hurts...

Learning Experience

I am summond by mom and I look at her face and she is in pain. And before she says anything, I know.

And I break down and I cry and I cry and I'm trying to stop but it hurts. I had to get Mike, I couldn't do it alone.

She tells me dad left her, because he is thinking about another woman, who he hasn't seen in more than 30 years. He wants to go after her, and see what may come of it. Mom is heart broken...

She wants me to be her support. I'm not doing a good job at it.

Dad gets home. I'm a but more composed. But I feel torn. They call us into the room and tell my brother the news this time. They ask us to leave and mom for hours asks why? I know her pain. I've felt it before... My heart hurts for her.

I spend my time with Mike. His presence keeps me strong.

So I call grandma who knows what's going on. She talks to me for a while and then we go inside.

Dad calls me to talk to him alone. And I tell him he is a fool, remind him how mom has always been there for him, that people change in the span of 30 years and that he is chasing an illusion. I tell him I understand him a lot, but that I also understand mom. That I could never hate him. That he should do what is right, and search his feelings and think before acting... Because he made it clear that he was lost.

I go to bed, crying... Praying to angels for peace and help. For everything to be as it should. I swore I'd accept whatever should be.

And the next morning they said they'd try again. And mom is angry and resentful and hurt.... Dad is sorry and regretful. But he is willing to try. For her and him.

Nothing is the same. I'm still hurt. And I can't look at them the same way. But I hope things work out for the best. I hope that they are happy at some point together or apart if need be...

And I have learned that I have to live my life the best I can. I have learned that I'm not a child anymore and I will keep on going. No matter what happens.

Thank you guys for being there. I don't think I will ever feel alone because of you and Mike. Thank you. <3

Making Sense of it all... I can't

It's dumbfounding the way life can unravel and tear you to pieces in one small moment. How before the storm, you feel an eerie sense in your gut and you have nothing to hang onto before the fall...

How did this happen? I was always the one kid I knew whose parents were still strong and together. Why does it hurt so much?

I don't know what to do. How to talk to them now.

But thank God I have Mike. Without him, I'd be shattered right now.

Morning Anxiety

Hey peeps :)

I've got 13 minutes before I have to go to work. I'm in a coma, still waking up since 6 am lol (adjusting).... But I am happy...

Happy because today was Mike's first day of work and he looked all professional and handsome. Second because I was able to tie his tie this morning despite lack of practice lol. Third because I'm doing well in school so far. And lastly because I finally have time to write in my blog.

Money's been hiding lately. I've only earned 500 something bux this year and it's all been spent LOL, gotta pay those bills. But I'm very proud that I have been able to pull it off and that I am able to continue doing so.

I've decided I am going to find another job. I need one that offers health insurance before I turn 22... Cuz then I'm on my own. I am hoping so bad for one that finally pays more than 10.50 PLEASE LORD PLEEEASEE! ;)

I went to a play this week with Mike... It was a bit raw (no props, no scenery...) but it made me wonder if I could ever do that kind of thing... I doubt it, it's not for me... But I heard that Kayla's going to be in a production and suddenly I felt like, "I wanna do that too" haha I'm a dork.

Well, I guess I'm a bit ansy. I am anxious to hear how his first day at work went (and to know whether his collar was choking him all day cuz it did look kinda tight. I hope you guys are doing fine :)

Take care, gotta go to work.

Much Luv,
Z

I Don't Think I've Ever Been Happier

The days go by, soon school will begin. I chose a schedule that would enable me to work AND spend time at home so I can be with Mike. My parents are a little tense I think, setting my bed time at 11 and sending Jorge to spy on us all the time lol. But again, I didn't expect anything different from that.

I don't think I've ever been happier though. It is amazing to wake up and see him in the morning... Make him some breakfast, a snack... Lunch and dinner. His appetite is incredibly healthy again. He is always hungry haha, it's cute. I love making him something to eat. I know I'm not the best cook, but I try ;) He is so helpful too... Helps me do the dishes, cook, take care of the pups, do the laundry. All sorts of things :)

We've been spending the days lately at home, the rain hasn't stopped... We play some world of warcraft, apply for jobs, sims, TV, movie, cook, eat... LOL

I have to work tomorrow :( but I gotta do what I gotta do right? I will ask for more hours next week if at all possible. Doubt I'm going to get them though. Think it's nearly time to find a new job.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Goodnight :)

Picturez

Daddy and his clone

3 amigos

Having a good time

awaiting midnight

Still camera happy

Mom and dad, and the gang

Mike's adopted puppy

Grandma Grandpa Mom

The 4 of us

Original trio

Grandma incoming.
Mike, contemplating his dish
Jorge digging in
Houston, he's eating!
He almost ate this whole plate
Yadi being gross lol
random pic
conversing
Self serve style
Dad always gets happy when it comes to food
I got a little camera happy
Ashley lol
He's a good driver, so proud lol
Shaving reunion



*********
Update:
We didn't do much new years... The older people were kind of out of it. But I had a good time. Ate some good stuff and spent time with everyone. Watched Elf, and No Country for Old Men... And...
We think we found out why Mike's stomach is bad... We think he has Acid Reflux... He's taking meds for it (prilosec) and he is feeling better. Actually ate something the past couple of days, and ate breakfast successfully today. I'm sooo happy :)