What is there to do now? What will things be like now that dad will be gone, my one stable parental figure...
How will mom do from now on? I've got to admit I'm really scared. I want to cry but I think there's no point in that. It's over... 2 Pieces of me are going in different directions.
I guess I just have to live my own life. Grow and do what I need to do. I know everything will eventually be alright. But still, I never thought this would happen to me. I'm looking right now to reach out to someone, anyone who can tell me what comes next, how do I deal, what is expected of me... What do I do?
I understand them both... I know that mom doesn't care about herself. That she has no interests. That she is sick and taking care of her is draining. I know that she is childish, and manipulative... That she is hard headed and bratty. That she has done so many things to herself physically (surgeries) that she has altered herself and may not be desirable to him anymore. I blame her for not realizing why he wanted to leave. For not seeing what everyone else can see plainly.
I know that she has given him her life. That she has raised his children, been there with him through thick and thin. That she even gave him another chance after what happened on valentines day. That dad can be abrupt and rude. That he can be closed minded. I blame him for having wasted her life, when he could have done this years ago and retained custody of us if leaving us with an unstable mother was what he was worried about.
I knew they weren't reconciled. I knew it wasn't working. Dad just doesn't love her the way a man should love his wife anymore. I guess this is just something that happens during the course of life. Not to everyone... It just happens...
It's not easy to swallow. I'm having a hard time thinking of what the rest of my life will be like. Will my children know both of their grandparents well. Will we keep in contact all the time. Will we drift apart? I'm scared of that. What do we do on the holidays? Who do we visit? How do you choose?
My heart hurts...
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1 comments:
It's a lot to take in....You have a relationship with both of them and that is something you can count on, they love you and they both want what is best. I know you have read our posts throughout so many trials and tribulations, I remember telling my Dad one day (after the separation) that I knew especially from that point on (seeing them finally split) that even the most passionate, caring, selfless love can change if not handled with care. Both people have to want to stick it in, if the emotions are different, or there is resentment, or bad feelings of the past - it's hard to pick yourself up from that. Parents sacrifice so much, yes, they choose this when they become parents, but I don't think people anticipate these things happening, it just does. It is scary, but you can always tell when things aren't going the "way you imagined", that's when you have to make changes. Sometimes people get very comfortable....they take for granted the love, and that in itself can turn things for the worst. No one knows but them. But your right, their decision, doesn't have to effect your relationship with either of them, and though it may be difficult down the road....just remember you need both of them, just be open to both, try to understand that this is something bigger then even human nature. Love can be the most sacred, beautiful thing...but the way you handle it is so important. I learned this the hard way. I took for granted so much, and I know CB did too....but we are trying to still change what we feel we need to make things work because in the end we love each other and no one knows the troubles/happiness we have endured and seen, it had to come from both of us though. I am so sorry this happened. I hope some of my words eased your mind....time heals all wounds. Keep your head up, focus on yourself but support your loved ones always, just make sure this doesn't engulf you.
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