It's Always Rained on my birthday...

I'm 18 today. Most people would throw a party and celebrate rather than sit infront of a laptop typing in their blog... I didnt want a celebration, I dont want anything. I woke up this morning at 10, today didnt feel like a special day, just like last year. The parents were ready to take me to the mall to spend the money they'd give me for my birthday on clothes... I love new clothes, I just have so much clothes already and well... my closet is overflowing. Since I moved here, I dont really feel like doing much. This is perhaps the most boring place I have ever lived in. The most you can do is go to the mall or out to eat. I mean there is a shark aquarium, and some place called Ruby Falls, but... somehow those things dont interest me. Life here is slow, you barely see cars on the road... not compared to 703. I cant drive off to my friend's houses, or to my sisters, or to Mike. For that matter, the only places I have driven to is Walgreens and a place that makes good burgers and ribs. There is no excitement in this place. The one thing there is alot of... INSECTS. School will be 40 minutes away, that is if I get in. And if I do, it will cost so much cuz im considered out-of- state... Last year, I pictured myself in VA for my birthday. A small get together. I'd be with him, some friends and my family. Its all I was hoping for. To be somewhere I felt alive, with the ppl I care for, with people i have shared what was my life. What life do I have here? I stay in my room all day. I hate this place. What do I have here? Nothing. What do I want here? Nothing. Now my family says I dont like it here because I dont want to... I have tried, I really have. But day after day, night after night. I find myself in their presence, struggling to smile... Its so hard to smile. I love them dearly, and Im glad to be with them... I sound so selfish dont I? I told them I didnt want to come here. I tried to stay. My mom asked me if I like it here, if Im happy here. I tried to lie... I know it hurts them. They bought this big house, in a nice place. They bought me a car. Pay for school. Spoil me when they can. It hurts when I see the look on their faces when they ask that question. Im trying so hard to adapt.
-So thats what i have been feeling today. Sad... missing him so damn badly. I anticipated rain since last year haha, its always rained on my birthday. I know however; that I am very lucky. When my dad was a child, his parents never celebrated his birthday. Never did what my family did for me today. *Jorge seemed happy for me, :) younger brothers are adorable when they wanna be. My sister called me from work. My mom came out of her room upon my request, we had a pillow fight. My dad went out of his way to "grant my wishes". My grandma actually smiled at me, my grandpa ate animal crackers with me. LOL, ("primero la cabeza zuli, despues la patita *CRUNCH")... They sang to me *(happy birthday), made me the most delicious dinner, in my honor. I got a new license plate, and a shirt. *I didnt want much. they treated me like a princess. I know they love me. I love you guys too. :) and now someone has made me feel like watching Aladin, haha ;)

:o Tag! ur It!

uh ohz! I've been tagGed! My TuRn!!!!! So who's next???? The lucky winner is *drum roll* http://freebird79.blogspot.com !!! ;)

10 Things that flip my switch to off-

-1)LIES-> I like da truth, even when it hurts.
-2)JUDGING A BOOK BY ITS COVER->How can you tell me who I am, if you haven't taken the time to get to KNOW me.
-3)OLIVES *YUCK!->those are NASTY! haha
-4)SEXISM->enough with being the little wife in training, its the 21st century... Men have learned to wipe their own asses, lol, of course there is nothing wrong with spoiling and pampering them, but... they can help out too.
-5)GOSSIP->Gossip results in nothing but fights, lies, and sometimes the end of friendships.
-6)NOSE RINGS, TONGUE RINGS-> I think it looks terrible... Atleast it would on me. Of course, we all have our own tastes and preferrences, I just dont like em.
-7)MEN WHO TRY TO FIX THEIR GFS LIKE THEY FIX THEIR CARS-> You take me as I am. If you're trying to change my way of being, you never like/loved me.
-8)DIRTY BATHROOMS->self explanatory, its just disgusting.
-9)ALLOWING A DOG/CAT TO EAT/DRINK OFF THE DISH YOUR EATING FROM-> Its like kissing a dog/cat in the mouth! EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW!
-10)INSECTS-> Im scared of em. :\

10 things that flip my switch to ON-

-1)SWEETS->mmmmm, chocolate, mint, caramel... need I say more *drool
-2)RED AND WHITE ROSES-> my favorite flowers.
-3)RUBIES->my favorite stone.
-4)SURPRISES->suspense makes anything more exciting :D.
-5)KNOWLEDGE->I'm a very curious person, I love asking questions and getting answers.
-6)CUDDLING->Nothing better than being in the arms of the person you love.
-7)COLOGNE ON A MAN->wow, he smells divine :P
-8)SPAGHETTI MADE 4 ME, BY HIM->hehe looking forward to some more spaghetti baby! :)
-9)BEING SPOILED->who doesnt like being pampered?
-10)A MAN WHO CARES, LISTENS, UNDERSTANDS... THE WORKS->I have one of those beautiful men!!!!!!! I'd add more details, but haha the list is long ;)

wow lol, these lists made me think hard LMAO. But ur right, it is fun ;) Thanx mucho 4 taggin me vani :)

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Hide Away.

Curious creature,
So willfull and rebellious,
Full of dreams and aspirations.
Hide away within your soul,
Hide where no one can find you,
Hide where no one can reach you.
Once ardent flame,
Now dust and ashes in the night.
Lost and bitter,
By choice alone.
Keep far enough away,
So they cannot see you.
Keep far enough away,
So they believe nothing has changed.
Let them believe you still burn and flicker in the night.
Let them remember your beauty and vibrance.
Don't ever let them see you've been put out,
Let your tears drown the pain from your heart.
Try with all your might,
With the little strength that dwells within,
Try to stop remembering,
Stop looking for a reason.
Don't give in to the darkness.
Never stop your dreaming,
Never let go of your dreams,
Even though there is a chance,
your dreams may not come true.

Observations...

July 24th already, that means, tomorrow is tuesday the 26th. So what am I doing today? Currently sitting in the TV room with my dad, who is watching the mets against the dodger. I think my dad is adorable, although he is very closed minded. Hehe, he is like a big baby. He loves to be spoiled and pampered, he loves surprises. He likes playing guessing games, and joking around. When he laughs his eyes squint and he looks so cute. Hehe, I like watching my dad when he is happy. One of my new years resolutions, was to stop fighting with my dad all the time. I must admit, we've fought much less than last year this year, but we still fight too much. And even though we tend to hurt each others feelings, not much after a fight, we say sorry to each other and spend some time together. haha, how many nick names do i have for my daddy... hmmm. Mr dad, mr papi, mr daddy, pops, pa, and pader (yeah that name looks wierd- . My momz is sleeping. I guess she is tired. She is like a baby too. She gets depressed unless she is treated like a child and given everything she wants. She likes to feel needed (who doesnt). Ay mami, eres un caso. But I still love you. I love you both. :) <3

IIIII LL OOOO V V EEEEE Y Y OOOO U U !!
iii LL O O V V EEEEE Y Y O O U U !!
iii LL O O V V E Y O O U U !!
IIIII LLLLL OOOO V E EEEE Y OOOO UUUU !!
()

free writing

I saw me once bright eyed and dreamy, being everything any girl could wish to be. I see me now, and how I?ve changed to this estranged, deranged, caged creature; seeking independence, escape from heavy burdens, a world with less restriction. I yearn to feel rejuvenation, exhilaration, escape incarceration, humiliation, suffocation, intimidation. I covet space, rest from this evil race, the face that does my life justice. I miss the peace I felt so many miles away; I reminisce the days my peace I could run to, the days I had you there, the days life was somewhat fair, and I dared smile sincerely, to laugh fearlessly, and wonder when our next tomorrow would be, knowing surely it?d be soon. Life?s only as good as I can make it, and I feel like I can?t take it, but I try to fake it isn?t all that bad. I hunger for the advantage over those not much younger than I. Each day my imagination runs wild, but I attempt at rationality. I?d never let jealousy rise above me, devour me, hurt or take my peace from me. I loathe them because they have what I haven?t for ages, and it rages me to feel trapped in a corner. I know that I?m exaggerating? It doesn?t change my feelings though. I hate their time with my tranquility. If only I knew how to express what?s in my mind. If only I could be direct and unwind. Yet since I know I overreact, and I?ve learned to think before I act, and I remember the pact I made myself, to never let you go????.

So this is love.........

I just wish you is smiles and laughter, its all I ask, its all I know. After having loved you this much, after having loved you this long; despite life's absurd betrayals, I'll always be there; someone you can lean on, someone you can count on, no matter what near or far, from now until the end you'll have a friend in me always. After loving you this much, this long, all I wish for you is smiles and laughter.

Feeling kind of angry and upset.

There is so much I want to say that I feel but I cant...... Because I feel like Im wrong in feeling the way I do. I need to let it out.................................................

Cr@pPy Po3m- |0|

I wrote this a looong time ago. Not such a good poem, but I found it again and it has a point I think. You love someone for who they are. If you dont get to know that someone well enough, things dont usually go well. I dont believe in love at first sight. Loving someone you dont know is like trying to find your way through a place you've never been to in a pitch black darkness.

Why fear the dark?
Black, temporary blindness.
A place of unpredictability.

Why fear what we don't know?
Lack of knowledge makes us weak.
Ignorance hinders progress.

Why fear change?
For lack of stability.
Lack of familiar security.

Why fear loss?
Loss brings pain to our hearts, our pride.
Wounds and scars into our souls.

Why fear love?
Love's a risk, so much to lose.
Loss brings about inevitable change.
Love's a mystery; always unpredictable.
Love can make you blind.
You'll stumble in the dark, unless you know your way........

My Michael!

back when the camera phone loved me... *Sigh, I really miss you. Lets see how soon I could go see you, makin plans already. Love you bebz!!!!!! MUAH!
;) <3

How much longer....

i can relate. There is not a second of the day that goes by that my thoughts dont visit my memories of you. Sometimes I zone out and everyone looks at me like, "ok, she's gone mad." Memories are sweet torture. They make me smile, and at the same time I long to go back to those moments.

Can you ppl tell I miss him? Ive repeated it alot now, lol. Sorry to be so repetetive, there is nothing else I can think of...

Pretty in Pink

I didnt notice how girly I can be until now.

This is my favoritest *(word from my personal
dictionary) outfit for the moment.

Im tired

I dont understand... I talk about it but it still builds up, and I explode with all this stress and anger. So what was I trying to explain to you earlier today when I was interrupted? Well, starting over again. Maybe I should make a list:

1)Moving 600 miles away from the 2 beings that bring me peace and Joy. Now why did we move in the first place? En espanol para ser discreta: Porque mis viejos creian que la poblacion de este lugar seria solamente gente americana. No quieren que yo me enamore de un moreno, ni un japones, ni un hispano... Solo quieren un gringo. Also because my mom wanted to escape her illnesses as if VA were their cause. Her depression will not go away no matter where she is. She will not lose weight because of the state she is in. And she still spends alot of money and gets in fights with my dad about money.

2)My mom is depressed again. Reasons being: She misses her father and mother. They were supposed to come over here but dont want to anymore so she stays in her room all day in the dark playing bejeweled. Comes out to cook for my dad and goes back.

3) Due to her depression, she suddenly wants to take a trip to Puerto Rico. Now what is wrong with that picture? We moved about 2 weeks ago. Out house is still full of boxes. My dad is not as healthy as he once was. To go to Puerto Rico and leave my dad, worries me. What if he gets really sick one night AGAIN and there is no one in the house to take him to the hospital or take care of him. My dad works from 7am to 7pm. It would be cruel to leave my dog alone in a house 12 hours at a time everyday for 2 or 3 weeks. It is unfair for my dad to have to stay behind and unpack this shit load of boxes all alone because my mom is acting like a selfish child. He doesnt want her to go, he need her, but he wont say that because he loves her and knows she is depressed and would feel bad if he told her she could not see her father. I dont want to go, but am forced to because if I say I dont want to go, I will surely hurt my grandparents's feelings. The last summer I was there, Jorge went to the basket ball court everyday, and I was forced to stay inside cleaning an entire 3 months because "I am a girl and I dont belong in a basket ball court, but back home cleaning." I was lonely, and deprived of my freedom.

4)This problem does not affect my siblings. I was born into the most sexist family in the world. In the 8th grade I wanted to join a baseball team, but I wasnt allowed by my parents because i am a girl. I am doomed to dish washing, cooking, laundry, and house chores because the men of the house cant lift a finger. It is my job because i am a girl and I am to serve my husband one day. I mean dont get me wrong, I dont mind doing these things, but I am bot going to marry a man to become his maid. This is the 21st century and believe it or not, men can clean up after themselves. They can wash a dish once in a while. My brother is allowed to go away to college, but I am not because I am a girl. My brother can have a girlfriend and i cant date because i am a girl. Not to mention my past, and I understand that, but I cant stop feeling just because they forbid me to. If they were less uptight, I would be able to share how happy I am about being with you for almost a year now. Why do parents forbid things? Their kids will only do it behind their backs. I am not even doing anything wrong, what crime have I commited? When my baby came over, they kept making excuses for me to do things, so they could get me away from the guys because "girls arent supposed to hang around guys." I had to get another cell phone so that I could talk to my baby more than an hour a day because they didnt want me to talk to a guy. My mom wants me to change my wardrobe because she thinks girls my age dont dress the way i do where I live now. OH PLEASE, I dont where booty shorts, or sports bras out. I wear jeans and a T. What the hell is wrong with that? My brother thinks he has it hard, he gets to do as he pleases. My sister left. And I, (the most willfull, stubborn, and rebellious one of us 3) am being imprisoned because I am female.

5)My mom and I are always fighting. How could I stay quiet and not argue when she is yelling at me and calling me stupid, and lazy, and a liar, and so many other things. She says I do everything I want, and get everything I want. If that were so, I would be in VA, I would openly be with him, and I would be at UVA.

Am I selfish? am I that bad a daughter?

Angel with mild insomnia?? ;)

Again sleepless... What is wrong with me? Why can't I sleep? Wow baby, I miss our late night conversations. I miss it when you ask me if I'm sleepy and I deny it, even though I know you know I am. It's wierd to think that you are sleeping right now, you used to stay up so late. I sat on my sofa ALL day long, trying to write my college entrance essay for UTC, I got nothing typed for the entire 9 hours I tried to write. Then we talked a few hours until midnight, and I finished drying my hair, and decided to try and write my essay. Ironically, my mind overflowed with things to write and I managed to type a single spaced page of good material for my essay, although I am not finished yet. I'm giving it a rest until tomorrow and I tried to sleep, but that only resulted in me laying on my bed stairing at the ceiling in the dark. So I'm paying my blog another late night visit. Well, I am thinking about my spur of the moment trip to Puerto Rico. My mom is getting depressed because she misses my grandparents, and seeing as though they feel that if they leave their house for a few weeks it will fly away or something will happen to it, my mom decided to go to them. * They were supposed to come here!* 2 or 3 weeks there. Well, at least it's temporary unlike my move to hell, :o I mean, Tennessee. This was the most uneventful fourth of July I've ever had. It rained. My parents did not want to do anything. So that was it. I feel like having a pepsi and my back hurts. I forgot about my dog, I wonder where he is sleeping tonight. Oh well. I think this is tired talk. My mind is in a coma, my eyes... WIDE OPEN. Well... I guess I have done enough babbling on for one night. Nite world...

P.$. ! L()\/e Y()u B@by!!!!!!!!

Still Awake. Happy 7/4!

Still awake... For some reason my eyes refuse to obey me and close like they should at this time at night. I watched a movie with my mom, cleaned some jewelry (*is that spelled wrong... mind is not quite awake, damnit close you stubborn eyes!). Now I am just sitting in the darkness of this new room, listening to the chewing noises my dog makes when he chews on his bones. Maybe I should count sheep...
1 bah, 2 bah, 3 bah, 4 bah, 5 bah, 1,000,000 bah....... Not working... ummm. Wow I wanna call my baby. :S *sigh.... I guess I'll force myself to sleep then. Nite nite world... Sweet dreams.

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I love you bebe... :)