Mom and Dad

Have you ever yanked a piece of really sticky tape off your skin, and experience that stinging feeling it leaves? I feel that way in my heart. Like I'd been born with a patch of tape on my heart that I never knew was there... And three words my father said yesterday yanked my patch of tape and revealed another gigantic hole in my heart...

"I feel alone." I hear his voice saying that over and over again, and my God it hurts. It hurts so much to know that my father isn't happy.

It's a long story, it routes in the fact that my mom is sick... Mom and dad fell in love more than 25 years ago. Dad fell in love with a beautiful woman... happy, cheerful, loving, giving... What happened to her? Years upon years... Insults, fights about money, about getting her way... Insults, fights and blame... Threats... Dad always submitting to my mother's absurdities.... Mom always dominating and manipulating.

Mom is sick... But she likes it that way. Mom is sick, and she uses it to her advantage. Telling doctors and anyone who will listen how she is sick, as if it were something to be so proud of. So that people will think she is a hero, so that she can get what she wants from anyone. Using her illness to manipulate dad into giving and giving and giving, and he never asks for anything.

Mom is sick... She is sick so she retired. And what does she do all day. Sit in her room, playing sudoku on TV. Watching court shows and sleeping. What does dad do all day. He works to give us this home, food, that TV she plays on... To pay the bills she makes. And he comes home to cook for her, to clean for her, to satisfy her every whim. Why should he do that? She does nothing all day. And then she blames him. I would give anything up, this house and all the things in it... Just to know what it feels like to have a mother.

She calls him names, yells at him for telling her she wastes money... for telling her the truth. She blames him for everything, and I see the hurt in his eyes... Especially yesterday. Yesterday when these subjects came up out of nowhere... When she was angry at him and he didn't even know why.

She called him names and tried to hurt him, and I saw the pain in his eyes and I felt like I hated her. She is so fucking selfish. Only thinking about herself. Anything she has ever bought for us or done for us she has done so that we worship her, so that we owe her something... I have never had a mother... And the closest I ever had to one, is my sister.

I've come to the realization that mom and dad are not in love. That they are together because of habit. That they do not have a relationship. They spend their days apart, she stays in her room all day and he stays in the kitchen watching TV, or grocery shopping with us...

My mother is an empty shell. She is here but not. She will never change. The things she says and does will always hurt us. Mom will never change. She is too selfish, she doesn't want to.

Dad think about Olga a lot. His old girlfriend. I know he misses her, it hurts for me to admit this. I know dad deserves more than this. Dad deserves to be happy. Dad is tired I know. I know mom feels angry with dad, because we get along with him more. But dealing with mom is difficult, I can't. I prefer to stay away. It's not that I don't love her, it's that I can't deal with her.

I hate to think that mom and dad only stayed together because of us. But we are older now, and we see what is happening now. Slowly realizing that the beautiful marriage I always looked up to is not at all what it seemed. And it hurts.

Daddy, you deserve to be happy. You deserve a woman who will love you and take care of you the way you take care of her. Don't settle for this pain. I love mom I do, but she has been promising changes for my entire life. She doesn't love us enough to change, or to listen to our please.

You have let her become spoiled and you let her get away with everything. Stop it! Because one day, Yadi, Jorge and I will leave and you will be here alone. I know now why you don't want us to go so far away from you. I know that you don't want to be left here alone with mom and have no where to go when you want to run from her. It shouldn't be that way. I know you are afraid of mom and her antics. Don't let her control you. Everything she does to herself, whether it be crying, or trying to die... daddy, it's not your fault. There is only so much you can do.

I know you would have been happier if you'd married someone else. Someone different. Yadi talked to him about this today. About all of it. And you know what he said? "Maybe I should find Olga." And I think, maybe he should. Maybe it would be best for all of us.

I'm so afraid of being like mom. Oh please God no. I hope I'm not selfish like that ever, and that I have never been. I'm afraid. As the tears flow I can only think of how much I'd love to get away from here, to my baby... So I don't have to hide my pain all day, because when I'm with him, I feel none.

I'm Always Complaining About Myself lol, But Then Again, There Is Always Room For Improvement

Yet another weekend of my life gone by in a flash. I feel so tired, I don't want to go to school tomorrow... For that matter, I wish I could spend the entire day sleeping. You guessed it though, the night covers the sky and Zuli's vampire reflexes take part, and I am not able to sleep.

I want to be perfect... Not by definition... But I want to be able to do so many things that I can't do, because my will isn't strong enough. I would like to wake up every morning feeling refreshed and ready for the day. I would like to keep my room clean and do exercise and eat breakfast. I would like to get to class on time everyday without any absences. I would like to do all of my homework... I would like to be passionate about my job. I would like to come home and cook for mom and not be annoyed by the feeling of having to raise her.

I would like all of these things, but I put forth no effort... Or atleast not enough of it.

I'm far from perfect, and for now it's ok... But I'd like to be all those things... All those things that would make life less complex and more enjoyable. Sometimes I feel like I am walking down a path with a blind fold on, just going in the direction that everyone else wants me to go... I picture mom and dad commanding me: "left Zulen, turn left... You have to turn left on this path, because it is what is best for you... It doesn't matter how you feel, if you go this way we will be proud of you... You will be everything we wanted you to be." I know I know, things really aren't that way, and that is a warped way of thinking about things... But sometimes I feel like I can't do what I want because as long as I am living under this roof I have to submit to the demands of my parents. It's not so bad I know. I know that once I leave this place I will appreciate it more. I guess I am stereotypical in this way.

I am ok though. I have just had so much time to take a look at my life... To take a look at the world around me... And to realize that, contrary to prior belief, "it can happen to me". I am not exempt from the happenings of life... That feeling I had once, the one that told me I was invinsible... It's shriveling up like paper burning... slowly transforming into ashes.

I keep telling myself, change... You have to change. I have such bad habits. UGH... For example lol, I am incapable of keeping my room tidy for over 3 days. Everything flows freely in my "free flow environment" (my room), except for me. LOL. I never knew clothes could make such astounding disorder... If messing rooms up were a career, I'd be richer than Bill Gates.

Then there is my tendency to leave everything for last minute...

Homework: Last Minute
Filling the Gast Tank: Last Minute
Laundry: Last Minute
Leaving home for school/work: Last Minute

Horrible eating patterns. I've come to see that I do have an eating disorder. That it is a problem. That I eat strange things that aren't exactly good for me. That I never eat breakfast. That I eat HUGE dinners. That I LOVE sweets...

I sleep too much. Maybe I'm anemic... Maybe I just like sleeping lol.

I do however know that I am very intelligent and capable of correcting my bad habits. That I am a strong person in character. That I am a devoted person, capable of just about anything to make those I love happy. I have a great sense of integrity and I have a good sense of self-control *lol for the most part.

Something's got to give. I think I'll start now. I think I am going to sleep now. I have to wake up early tomorrow and take my car to the dealership... My brake lights are both off lol, I need an oil change and I want to get it washed too. Yes ladies and gents, I take care of my little focus. :) Special thanks to the mailman who let me know that my lights were out ;)

Good night world. I hope you guys have a great week, and that monday isn't as blah as usual :) Hope you slept well, cuz I'm gonna.

I am O-W-T... <3 to all.

PS- I LOVE YOU BABY MUAH! 19 days left til we are together again <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Ghostly Image of a Bored Girl lol