Hello Month of Love

It's February 1st. After a nice farewell to January, I find myself melancholy and anxious for the good news of our baby's birth.

Last year, this month marked the end of my family as I'd known it for 21 years. This year, who knows...

We let go of Juno today. It's relieving to know she is with family, I know she will be well cared for and loved. Already I saw how good you were to her. It made me feel like maybe we were supposed to get her so she'd meet you. Like she's supposed to be with you.

But at the same time, I keep remembering the last time she looked at me with her little puppy eyes. The expression on her face made my heart hurt. Because my baby girl is far away now, with a new mommy. I will no longer get home and hear her tail wagging on the wall. Or hear her bark as I walk up the stairs into the apartment. She won't hug me as we walk, or put her paw on me as I rub her chest...

This is how I know I love that dog... Because I let her go. Another lesson in growing up.

Today I also say good bye to my Great Aunt... She was older than time I thought. She's been around so long I thought she'd never die... It was so unexpected for me. I haven't seen her in half a decade. But I remember growing up with her. How she called me her "negrita" and offered me coffee and cake. How she'd hug me and I'd always leave her house with 20 dollars, she said "so you can get yourself something nice and remember that I love you."

I didn't get to say good bye. She wasn't feeling well. I just hope that in heaven she is feeling better. Wearing her spanish dresses with fancy heals in all her glory. Maybe one day I'll see her again.

I'm just emotionally drained. Sad, but happy. I know everything is ok.

I was happy to see how happy my baby was too. We need to visit more often, I know he gets home sick. It was nice to see you guys laughing together, taking a break from daily life. Got lots of great pics in Mrs. I-Phone Terrazas, so I'll snag it in a while and post em :)

Anywho, just reflecting. Venting theraputically.

Good night.

A Plea to You

I'm still feeling tense... But baby, I want you to know all that I feel and think and I need you to talk to me too. Because I remember that we've always been able to talk through here, through words typed or written. It's much easier to choose words carefully and say what you actually mean this way. And I know at times that it is hard for you to voice your feelings as well.

Things with us have gone at lightning speed. We are young, we are still growing up. I've seen that it is very hard at times for you to adjust to a hectic schedule at work. That we've never really had the time to enjoy each other the way others do when they are near and date and have time to grow before embarking on the journey to adulthood. But time is insufficient now, and we have a child to raise now. We need to be responsible now.

We're having this baby, and I couldn't be happier. I know that you will be an amazing father and that you will love our baby with all your heart. But each day I think about how young I am.

About how if I had been more mature, I would have thought carefully about what I really have to offer a child and what I want to offer. Our baby will have everything he/she needs. Clothes, food, shelter and love. All the essentials. And I know that it will not bother me in the least to work crazy long hours in order to give the baby everything I had and more.

But each day I'm home waiting for you. Trying to fix our home so that you will know that I care, that I want you to see I can be a good wife to you. I'm not the best house wife. Hell, I can be really lazy. So I try.

I want you to come home and smell nice scents, and see food on the table. I want you to be able to relax when you get home because I know that working full time is hard. If it were just you and me, I could live there forever. I could live with you in a box and I'd be happy as I could ever be. All I ever wanted was to be with you. I prayed for this for years. I know you love me, because you came here away from everything you love and know for me.

I know it's hard for you when you know a birthday went by and you weren't there. When you know that you have a new brother and he won't know you for a while.

But everything I'm suggesting for us will lead us there one day baby. I don't want to be in Tennessee forever. I hate this place too. It's boring and doesn't offer much. Except for nice people and an inexpensive environment.

Everything baby, that I will do now, will be for our baby. For our family. I will bust my ass to ensure that we are settled enough to provide for ourselves and our baby. Everything I am doing right now, will lead us close to home. So we can share with our families. Just trust me baby. There is nothing in my life I haven't been able to accomplish when I set my mind to it.

We need to be on the same page though, because I'm not the only person in this marriage.

I asked mom for this huge favor. I asked her to let us back in after we gave her such a bad attitude. Not just you but me. I basically told her to fuck off when we moved. And still she was there helping us settle in. Gracious enough to give us plenty of furniture and essentials we needed so we'd be OK.

I'm asking to move back in because I know for a fact that we won't save a penny where we are now. Should anything happen with you at work baby, we will be OK with her. I know she is a pain in the ass baby. She is very opinionated and I know the way she handles things can drive you up the wall.

But baby, she has tried to give you and I as much as she could to help us. She doesn't have much, but what she does have she shares with us. She is offering an opportunity.

We can save money baby. So far we haven't been able to offer our baby anything. We can't even afford to get you taken care of at the doctor. We can do all the things we need to baby, we can pay for you to be treated. We can save for our baby. I can go to school. We can start over and establish ourselves enough to move to VA in a couple of years baby.

I don't want to keep you far away from your family. I know you miss them very much, as I would if I had left. But I know that we can do this baby. Just give me the opportunity to show you that things aren't the same as before. Circumstances aren't the same as before.

Remember what was happening before baby. Mom was just left broken hearted. We were leaving messes all over the place. I was working double shifts everyday and I was too tired to care. Things have gotten better. Mom is settled down, dad is in his own place. Jorge and mom can help us with the baby.

I know you don't want to cut the grass on your off day. I know you don't want to hear lectures. But the grass doesn't need cutting every single day. Jorge lives here too. He can cut the grass too. I will keep our space clean. I'm not working anymore.

Give me the opportunity to spend time with our baby before going back to work. Talk to us when something bothers you. You need to talk.

I feel like I'm repeating myself here. I'm just really stressing now. Either way, we will need to make sacrifices either way. Just let me know what your thoughts are. Talk to me please.

Dreams As They Evolve

How many years ago now, did you meet her? Untarnished and full of life and dreams. Bold and beautiful in the ignorance of her youth.

Was it really me? Again in the mirror I gaze. I realize as each chapter breezes by I change and look back noting a different reflection of myself as time progresses.

And I can only remember as far back as you. When I met you. Who and how I was when I met you.

Smiling and carefree. Looking for a place for myself in the world. Looking ahead to who I wanted to be, where and doing what. Not knowing that in front of me stood the love of my life.

I always had a complex of some sort, I was never good enough in some way. But at the time, it wasn't hard to look into the eyes of those around me and see that I was gorgeous. And I was content in shallow ways to know that I was beautiful.

We grew nearby one another. You in your world, and I in mine. Your world to me yet remains a mystery. What, at the time were your ambitions, your endeavors or pains? To this day I do not know. And still it doesn't matter, though sometimes I wonder. There are many things I don't know about you still. I've always maintained a highly spirited sense of curiosity. I wanted and still want to know all about you.

I wasn't very deep at all at the time. My life still governed by the demands of my parents and the laws of the adult world. I could only impersonate the characteristics of an adult. In those times, instinctively as any juvenile, I searched for love. I dreamed of prince charming and the dress and the home and the family that seemed decades away.

So I discovered my charms, perhaps not as quickly as my other friends had a year or two before me. I learned to open doors and take the things I wanted while never giving anything back to repay the favors. I learned that men of that age were easy to manipulate. A little tear here, a giggle, some smart and witty remark that would spark a brief moment of attention.

Slowly and little by little you crept your way into my heart. A memory here and there. That one boy whose attention was just a bit harder to grasp. I couldn't see very much of you for a long time, and one day you opened up and allowed me to read more pages in your story. We shared our stories. Many stories. Some stories that I would never have shared with anyone else. That's sacred I think. Sharing something only with you.

And I revert back into my reflection today and know what you meant when I hurt you.

Sharing only with you. Still I know the only person I share pages with is you. No one has never and can never take that from you.

And this is how I know I'm tarnished. Am I still the girl you met that day? I'm not.

There are pieces of my heart so scarred by things that may seem to you minute. That at times make me fear that I will lose you yet again. I just can't change the fact that it's there in our story. I talk about it sometimes and I think you may be sick of it by now. Hearing the same things from me over and over. But the stories, of those times seem so incomplete to me. Just when I think I know what happened some ghost reveals itself to me and I encounter more painful details that I was oblivious to. And it's different not knowing all that happened during these moments when you were without me that not knowing what happened before me.

And the world around me shifts as well. All that I knew is unknown now. So many things have changed as I've grown.

I could say each day that I'm sorry. That I understand now that my actions reciprocated what I deserved. I felt outside myself... But I know that in the world that I'm in that doesn't matter. I always wanted to be perfect for you. Your eyes at one time didn't see me this way. And I know you too have changed. There is a place in my heart that hurts and this time it was my fault. I never want to hurt you in any way. Hurting you hurts me so.

I reread my reflection and feel my heart pounding in my chest heavily. I was once so bright and though I'm not engulfed in darkness yet, I see where time brought to me dim moments and I wish I can be again so bright.

My dreamed of decade is here. You've given me everything I ever dreamed of. My prince, my home, and a family of our own. Now my only wish is to never lose my dream.

I never want to lose you the way I've seen others lose their dreams. I wish I could express to you how desperately I wish this. Is this light in my womb ours if you are no longer with me one day?

I am not the girl I was. I've changed and I lost motivation. But I'm going to make this promise, I will be the best me I can be. Not only for our baby, but for you. One day our little one will make a home of his or her own. And I want to be the best me I can be so you're not afraid to be alone with me again. So you don't dread the shadowy remains of someone you once loved.

2010

Here goes another year. It's been a long year, full of good times and hard times... Nothing more and nothing less can be expected from each coming year. But one can hope for me good than bad.

This is the time of the year when many people reflect on the occurrences of the past year... And it's been a long year. Did I already say that? LOL.

My baby came to be with me. My dad left... My sister found a love. My brother left one behind. After tomorrow our baby's year will begin. I've gotten to know my new family, I even won the affection of the babies :)

And I dig much deeper into these things and even more. I'm sad that through this year much remained unresolved. That my mom and dad are alone. That I couldn't make it all go away. I think that has been the most painful thing for me... The pain I know mom is feeling, and the gut feeling that some day dad will regret his decision.

I used to cry all the time. I want to cry even now. But I know there is nothing I can do. I will end this year conflicted and angry that this happened. Because it made me doubt things that I believed in passionately. Left and right I saw so many who left or were left by their loved one... And yet there they remained, mom and dad and grandma and grandpa together. So effortlessly bound in love. And now it's only grandma and grandpa that remain, and I fear at times that because they are from another era, there is no one else that could be like them. 57 years.

Here we are now at our 5th month. I was petrified at first and I'd never been before. But I love Mike with all my heart and I will remain true to that for as long as I live. I pray every day that we aren't like all the others. That we're not plagued by divorce as so many others have been.

And here comes our little one. I feel this baby kicking everyday stronger... Sometimes I'm scared I won't be a good mom. The kicks at times are foreign to me. All I know right now is that someone's renting a space inside me and I don't even know who they are... I know that I love this person very much... So much it scares me. Because one day this person will depend on me, and later go into the world with all the resources I've provided. I just hope I can provide enough as a mother.

I look forward to 2010. To mom and dad finally coming to a happy medium in their divorce and carrying on. To Yadi possibly progressing with Lenny. To Jorge succeeding in those crazy dreams he's pursued with determination. To getting to know my new family. To growing with Mike. To meeting our baby.

So here's my farewell to 2009 and my warm welcome to 2010.

Responsibilites

Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed. Between making sure I'm doing what I have to do at home, keeping my job, and getting back in gear for school... AAH!! It's such a short list, but the things I do seem immensely large.

I guess I'm playing hard ball now at work. I hope I don't lose my job. Ever since I took the lead position, I'm very wary of who I make friends with. I noticed how jealous Carlos is of me. He hired me with Oscar initially. At the time, he was the only supervisor. He is 31 and has 3 kids. You can tell when he speaks that he isn't very smart. Imagine the shock he felt when 3 months after I start working there I replace him as Lead Super... Someone at work told me he cried the day it happened. But I do notice snippy comments from him. I notice how insecure he is about his job. No one in the company really likes him. His forte lies in excel spreadsheets. The other day I out did him on one... And I'm a beginner. I guess he felt cornered. I showed him my spreadsheet and he tried to make changes. I said very nicely "no no no, wait wait wait wait." Somehow this compelled him to slam his fists on the desk and storm to his cube and shout at me "If you had just shut the hell up!" At this point, I was angry and the only thing I could say was "How dare you!? Don't you dare start that with me now, sit down!" I called my manager and instead of handling this accordingly, he calls Carlos behind my back and tells him a mere, "don't do that again" and lets him off the hook because he admitted to what he did (though he only admitted it because everyone saw him do it.) This further pissed me off. So I called the company CEO and told him. Today I wrote Carlos up. I saw the anger in his face. He looked like he was going to cry. But these men need to know that just because I'm young, and a girl that they can't just brush me off like I don't matter. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I have a couple of new enemies at work. Oh well. I do my job and I do it well. As long as I do that, I should be fine. I just paid for our school books.

I really need the reimbursement from our grant. I am REALLY tight with money now. Just thinking about it makes me panic. I mean I know I will be fine. I just don't like to feel like I'm in a tight spot. Rent is due tomorrow and I just paid our books. UGH... I have to do groceries on Thursday. Let me just stop thinking about it.

This makes me wonder though. I fired a lady today. She was receiving government assistance. She got free cab rides and everything. But she was one of those people who thrive off of their unfortunate circumstances. She constantly asked for money and free give-aways. Her boyfriend doesn't work... He just took her 2 and 5 year old daughters to the stop sign of a 4 lane intersection and held up a sign in the hot sun that said he was unemployed and needed help. How can you exploit your children like that.. Get a damn job! If I can do it, so can you! Her 2 year old was wearing the same clothes for a week... They had lice...

My gosh,, if I had kids, I would do anything and everything to keep them living well so they wouldn't be missing anything. I'm waiting for Mike to get out of class. I got out at 6:45 but I thought I'd wait for him to get out. I miss him during the day. It's nice to know he is so close. There is so much to write about... But this keyboard is making my fingers hurt. I guess I'm used to the laptop keyboard. Well, that's a wrap!

G'night pplz <3>

Z.L.T.

I miss my blog ever so dearly. With the hustle and bustle of everyday life and responsibility little things like this are overlooked.

I miss writing about things, like the fact that our dog ignores me when I talk to him. That Mike talks and the dog goes nuts, and brings him his favorite toys... YOU DUMB DOG, I raised your ass! You slept on my pillow for months! You went everywhere with me until you got huge! Little ingrate!

LOL - It's cute though, how he idolizes Mike.

I have the day off tomorrow <> I realize that most of the time when I have a day off I don't even know what to do with that time off. Except when I'm miles away at a beautiful beach.

There's the usual on my mind... I worry a lot about Mike. I could tell him this in a conversation, but he'd just look at me like I were over-complicating life... Like I'm worrying over nothing and think too much. That's what he always tells me, that I think too much.

Sometimes I know he has things on his mind and asking him to tell me about them is like pulling teeth with no anesthetics... (Surgery with no anesthesia... I'm beginning to subconsciously pick up on this crazy music LOL.

It's growing on me... That music I mean. I'm kind of getting excited about that concert in November. I prefer Mastodon over Dethklok though.

I'm learning to cook all kinds of fun stuff now. I made my first beef stew a month ago... The day before yesterday I made pot roast. Surprisingly, nothing so far tastes bad. And I haven't succumb to the cook book yet lol.

Mike learned to make some good shiznits too... Breaded chicken breast - mmmmm. He made that so yummy. With white rice and fries. But maybe I should stop thinking about food for now... Seeing as though it's 10:31pm and my metabolism runs at half a mile per millennium.

I think I'll go to bed in a little while. After watching Mike play Dynasty Warriors for a while and he surrenders to the sweet comfort of our down comforter.

Good night, and sweet dreams.

Z.L.T.

Together

"Together"

The Fray

As the spring in its bloom, the summer stars and the moon
Come and dance with me my love, and we will be one.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you.

As the leaves and the trees, the oceans celebrate you and me.
We will live to see many days, and we will dream, we'll dream.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you

The Effects of Dr. Pepper

Having a full-time job isn't so bad I guess. Except for the fact that I spend all day missing Mike... I've been able to pay half of my bills so far... earning 3-6 times as much as I was earning at my old job. Things are looking up financially.

Been looking forward to my days off so I can spend time with him. The pic above was taken at coolidge park. I had such a good time with him that day... We really didn't do much, but walk around and stare at the river... We threw big rocks in for a while... But I think it was wonderful. I hope we can go again tomorrow. I never had anyone to go with before now :)

I drank lots of Dr. Pepper before coming home. My shift ended at 1am... So I was a bit tired. And now I'm just pensive...

Things at home are strange... Getting used to the idea of mom and dad not being mom AND dad... But mom or dad.

There hasn't been food made at home for a while... It's digging into Mike's pocket... So I think I am going to just prepare dishes for the week one day a week and put them in the freezer so he can just fix them up when he gets home and not have to spend forever cooking or waste money on junk... Just have to get the hang of this full time thing.

I got my ring a couple of days ago... haha thinking about it makes me smile. I thought it hadn't gotten in yet (had to have it resized) He gave me a convincing story about how it wasn't ready yet, even sounded angry when he told me. Evil lol. I get home and we're sitting on the sofa... And he looks at me and asks me to honestly answer a question. Of course I said ok... Next thing I know, he is on his knee, with a ring box in his hands. OMG hehehe it makes me all giggly!

Needless to say I'm never taking this ring off. I don't understand why men don't get engagement rings though... Hmmmmmm...

So now I realize that for the hundredth time I am rambling on my blog at nearly 3 am. I'm starting to finally get sleepy. So I guess I will doze off now...

Been a while so I hope you guys are ok :)

Good night <3

I Think It's Over

What is there to do now? What will things be like now that dad will be gone, my one stable parental figure...

How will mom do from now on? I've got to admit I'm really scared. I want to cry but I think there's no point in that. It's over... 2 Pieces of me are going in different directions.

I guess I just have to live my own life. Grow and do what I need to do. I know everything will eventually be alright. But still, I never thought this would happen to me. I'm looking right now to reach out to someone, anyone who can tell me what comes next, how do I deal, what is expected of me... What do I do?

I understand them both... I know that mom doesn't care about herself. That she has no interests. That she is sick and taking care of her is draining. I know that she is childish, and manipulative... That she is hard headed and bratty. That she has done so many things to herself physically (surgeries) that she has altered herself and may not be desirable to him anymore. I blame her for not realizing why he wanted to leave. For not seeing what everyone else can see plainly.

I know that she has given him her life. That she has raised his children, been there with him through thick and thin. That she even gave him another chance after what happened on valentines day. That dad can be abrupt and rude. That he can be closed minded. I blame him for having wasted her life, when he could have done this years ago and retained custody of us if leaving us with an unstable mother was what he was worried about.

I knew they weren't reconciled. I knew it wasn't working. Dad just doesn't love her the way a man should love his wife anymore. I guess this is just something that happens during the course of life. Not to everyone... It just happens...

It's not easy to swallow. I'm having a hard time thinking of what the rest of my life will be like. Will my children know both of their grandparents well. Will we keep in contact all the time. Will we drift apart? I'm scared of that. What do we do on the holidays? Who do we visit? How do you choose?

My heart hurts...

Learning Experience

I am summond by mom and I look at her face and she is in pain. And before she says anything, I know.

And I break down and I cry and I cry and I'm trying to stop but it hurts. I had to get Mike, I couldn't do it alone.

She tells me dad left her, because he is thinking about another woman, who he hasn't seen in more than 30 years. He wants to go after her, and see what may come of it. Mom is heart broken...

She wants me to be her support. I'm not doing a good job at it.

Dad gets home. I'm a but more composed. But I feel torn. They call us into the room and tell my brother the news this time. They ask us to leave and mom for hours asks why? I know her pain. I've felt it before... My heart hurts for her.

I spend my time with Mike. His presence keeps me strong.

So I call grandma who knows what's going on. She talks to me for a while and then we go inside.

Dad calls me to talk to him alone. And I tell him he is a fool, remind him how mom has always been there for him, that people change in the span of 30 years and that he is chasing an illusion. I tell him I understand him a lot, but that I also understand mom. That I could never hate him. That he should do what is right, and search his feelings and think before acting... Because he made it clear that he was lost.

I go to bed, crying... Praying to angels for peace and help. For everything to be as it should. I swore I'd accept whatever should be.

And the next morning they said they'd try again. And mom is angry and resentful and hurt.... Dad is sorry and regretful. But he is willing to try. For her and him.

Nothing is the same. I'm still hurt. And I can't look at them the same way. But I hope things work out for the best. I hope that they are happy at some point together or apart if need be...

And I have learned that I have to live my life the best I can. I have learned that I'm not a child anymore and I will keep on going. No matter what happens.

Thank you guys for being there. I don't think I will ever feel alone because of you and Mike. Thank you. <3

Making Sense of it all... I can't

It's dumbfounding the way life can unravel and tear you to pieces in one small moment. How before the storm, you feel an eerie sense in your gut and you have nothing to hang onto before the fall...

How did this happen? I was always the one kid I knew whose parents were still strong and together. Why does it hurt so much?

I don't know what to do. How to talk to them now.

But thank God I have Mike. Without him, I'd be shattered right now.

Morning Anxiety

Hey peeps :)

I've got 13 minutes before I have to go to work. I'm in a coma, still waking up since 6 am lol (adjusting).... But I am happy...

Happy because today was Mike's first day of work and he looked all professional and handsome. Second because I was able to tie his tie this morning despite lack of practice lol. Third because I'm doing well in school so far. And lastly because I finally have time to write in my blog.

Money's been hiding lately. I've only earned 500 something bux this year and it's all been spent LOL, gotta pay those bills. But I'm very proud that I have been able to pull it off and that I am able to continue doing so.

I've decided I am going to find another job. I need one that offers health insurance before I turn 22... Cuz then I'm on my own. I am hoping so bad for one that finally pays more than 10.50 PLEASE LORD PLEEEASEE! ;)

I went to a play this week with Mike... It was a bit raw (no props, no scenery...) but it made me wonder if I could ever do that kind of thing... I doubt it, it's not for me... But I heard that Kayla's going to be in a production and suddenly I felt like, "I wanna do that too" haha I'm a dork.

Well, I guess I'm a bit ansy. I am anxious to hear how his first day at work went (and to know whether his collar was choking him all day cuz it did look kinda tight. I hope you guys are doing fine :)

Take care, gotta go to work.

Much Luv,
Z

I Don't Think I've Ever Been Happier

The days go by, soon school will begin. I chose a schedule that would enable me to work AND spend time at home so I can be with Mike. My parents are a little tense I think, setting my bed time at 11 and sending Jorge to spy on us all the time lol. But again, I didn't expect anything different from that.

I don't think I've ever been happier though. It is amazing to wake up and see him in the morning... Make him some breakfast, a snack... Lunch and dinner. His appetite is incredibly healthy again. He is always hungry haha, it's cute. I love making him something to eat. I know I'm not the best cook, but I try ;) He is so helpful too... Helps me do the dishes, cook, take care of the pups, do the laundry. All sorts of things :)

We've been spending the days lately at home, the rain hasn't stopped... We play some world of warcraft, apply for jobs, sims, TV, movie, cook, eat... LOL

I have to work tomorrow :( but I gotta do what I gotta do right? I will ask for more hours next week if at all possible. Doubt I'm going to get them though. Think it's nearly time to find a new job.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. Goodnight :)

Picturez

Daddy and his clone

3 amigos

Having a good time

awaiting midnight

Still camera happy

Mom and dad, and the gang

Mike's adopted puppy

Grandma Grandpa Mom

The 4 of us

Original trio

Grandma incoming.
Mike, contemplating his dish
Jorge digging in
Houston, he's eating!
He almost ate this whole plate
Yadi being gross lol
random pic
conversing
Self serve style
Dad always gets happy when it comes to food
I got a little camera happy
Ashley lol
He's a good driver, so proud lol
Shaving reunion



*********
Update:
We didn't do much new years... The older people were kind of out of it. But I had a good time. Ate some good stuff and spent time with everyone. Watched Elf, and No Country for Old Men... And...
We think we found out why Mike's stomach is bad... We think he has Acid Reflux... He's taking meds for it (prilosec) and he is feeling better. Actually ate something the past couple of days, and ate breakfast successfully today. I'm sooo happy :)

Day 1

It was a nice day today, not a cloud in the sky. Woke up at around 9 and washed my "stringy" hair lol. Got a call from baby at 10 and went down to make pancakes... Unfortunately, grandma came to tell me not to eat too much because I'm chunky so I didn't eat much. And Mike didn't eat much at breakfast either, so we're going to start off small and work our way up... Tomorrow morning a small bowl of cereal, so he can adjust slowly.

Went to get the registration changed and a new license but lacked some of the paperwork... Showed him how to get around, and discovered what good memory he has. Not to mention the fact that he drives really well. He got us here safely :D

He got a haircut today, I think he is beautiful. His hair was a little wild before but the lady did a pretty good job with him. I'll post a pic tomorrow. Got him some stuff, some toothpaste, mouthwash, green tea, water, yogurt; so he can have some stuff in the fridge to much on and drink. Stuff that doesn't consist of chips and bachelor food haha. We're not letting each other drink soda and eat things that are bad for us. I'm so happy

But I was even more thrilled at dinner, he ate a full plate of rice and beans and a pork chop, and later a good ham and cheese sandwich as we played a game of monopoly... (which I lost miserably... but not without a good fight haha, it was fun)

Tomorrow's new years eve. Going to see if I help make some of the feast, straighten my hair, pain my nails and pretty up to receive the new year all pretty. I want to cook so he can tell me what he likes and doesn't like :)

I'm really really sleepy right now though... And my writing is mediocre too, my brains delirious! Update tomorrow with some pics. :)

Jitter Bug

The day draws nearer and oh my, I'm extremely nervous! Mostly about the drive, hoping it goes safely, trying to get Mike's car in decent shape so he can travel safely too. Then about you meeting my parents. I've never done anything like this before, where my parents meet boyfriend's folks... So I'm just all jittery hehe... Guessing that's normal.

Well I want to go into more detail about how this is going to work...

Mike's got his own special apartment, in which he has a living room, bathroom, walk-in closet, garage, bedroom. He is welcome in all parts of the house, (except my room late at night- not allowed lol, same to me... I'm getting a curfew I believe lol.) He will not be required to pay any rent or fee, he will be as a member of the family. The only thing mom and dad ask is that he keep the area neat. They want him to be successful and wish for him to attend school. The only reason work is a necessity is because he has bills to pay, (car and insurance and such.) But his food and toiletries are covered and anything he needs he will be given.

As far as family "peer pressure" goes... The notion of marriage has been brought up. I admit that the idea made me happy, but I also acknowledge that there is a right time for everything. I have had a lot of time to think about the subject and hope that you are not alarmed once you read this.

Marriage is a big, life-changing step that two people take when they are both ready. This isn't the case now, as we are still young and I think we do need the opportunity to get to know one another and establish ourselves a little better. I don't want to be selfish and drag Mike into it. I want it to happen because we are both ready, because I don't see how it can work if I push him. I realize that my grandmother is pushing a bit for this to happen but I have let everyone know that now is not the time and that a relationship cannot work if only one person is taken into consideration. He's not even old enough to buy me a drink, and I barely am old enough LOL! So maybe someday this can be of consideration but not now. The day it happens I want both of our families to be there and I want it to be a happy day.

You're right though C - I do feel like because I have my family's blessing that it does validate their feelings towards us... It made me want to get married but they can't and will not be the reason behind my marriage, just because I can is not the right reason.

I just really want you to know that I will do my best to take care of him, make sure he is OK. To make sure he is happy and that he gets to see you guys as often as possible. And that on my part there is no rush on making anything move too quickly. I love Mike very much and I want to be able to share with you guys as my family too.

Sharing With my 3 Peoplez <3

As the days draw near, my mother and grandmother reveal to me their good intentions. They want us to be happy. They want to make sure it works out. I need to tell them at the same time to stop meddling in my relationship. I guess they are overly excited. But at the same time they are sort of driving me CRAZY lol.

They want to talk to your Mr. Dad. About what his thoughts are on this move. About how he feels about me and such. I think they want to make sure he is on the same page and that he understands that I am in an environment where I'm well cared for and that his son will enter the same environment.

We believe that relationships are the foundation of marriage. In other words, you don't date someone just because you can and then just leave someday because you saw someone interesting walk by... You are getting to know one another in order to someday get married.

They are very traditional people, and this is their first time doing something like this. It's all new to them and they want to make sure we do it right. They don't want for Mike to come here and suddenly just leave because he gets mad or something (though I told them they don't know him and he wouldn't do that.)

They are very supportive of our relationship and hope that we are successful together. They want me to treat him with respect and dignity... To change my housekeeping habits and learn to cook even better so that I can spoil him every chance I get. They want to know that he loves me and see the way he is with me.

I wanted to tell you what was going on of late so that you are as well informed as possible.

If you have any thoughts on this please tell. I'm nervous and anxious and want to be able to keep everything as open for discussion as possible. You could even call me if you have any questions or anything.

*signed- Me <3>

May God and His angels watch over you.

I'm not a great religious fanatic, I don't attend church... But I do believe in God and angels;

We tread along with broken hearts and severed intentions when we must, carrying in our minds cumbersome masses that weigh in on the joys we deserve to experience. At times the walls enclose and there seems no escape from the pain, and the anguish takes control and the thought of surrender creeps up silently; convincingly easier than enduring wounds of cruel thoughtlessness and neglect. But I know there is more than just us in the course of our lives, there is something bigger and graceful somewhere amidst the suffering, watching when we cry, when we fall, when we're in need. Giving us hope and holding our hands when most we feel alone. And so I wish for all whom I love and cherish... May God and his angels watch over you always and guide you safely through the difficult moments and share with you in the beautiful ones.

Flamboyance

It's been 70 degrees for the past couple of weeks, the leaves are changing colors, you could see time going by. I'm undergoing change myself, and overcoming self conflict successfully.

I feel so much better now. Like the me I used to be years ago, only more weary of life, but more confident in ability to succeed. I didn't notice though, how much my self esteem had dropped. Plummeted. I see myself so different. My condition left me failing left and right, unable to do things any normal person could do. I am my own worst critic I know. I guess I just need to prove to myself that I can do things and I can achieve my goals. I know I will now. Everything was so overwhelming before, but as time has gone by it's becoming manageable. I can't believe I have the same ailment as my mother... But things happen for a reason. Perhaps I had to see what she was going through in order to recognize my symptoms better. I went for treatment early, and thankfully will not become so out of control, I have a chance at normalcy.

And so I can conclude that I am happy. I have a great outlook in life and feel healthy again. I am counting down the days until my dream comes true. I am eagerly counting down the days until I go back to school. Finally made up my mind about what I want to be, something I'm passionate and enthusiastic about. Helping children learn and experience their early years memorably in order to encourage future success in their education.

I'm on my way to work in a few minutes, but I thought I'd stop by and drop a note lol. Until next time,

Z <3>

Workplace Drama

You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you just know that you aren't going to get along...

So work so far is easy, tiring though. I work with a bunch of teens that are hormone crazy and lazy... The worse one being a girl named Jessica... She is nice, but she looks like a bitch. It's been a few nights now that I close with her and I end up doing most of the work, or else nothing gets done properly and I end up getting a lecture, though I work my ass off. So last night I decided to complain about it.

See two days ago I closed with her again. It wasn't busy at all, I started the dishes early and all. She came to talk to me for a bit. Started closing the cooler, and then a friend came to see her. She went outside for a bit, maybe 5 minutes and then came back in. I finished the dishes and she still wasn't done with the kitchen. She kept getting distracted by her cell phone, ALL NIGHT that thing was ringing. I even know her ring tone now. "Freak in the mornin', freak in the evening" ugh. I ended up cleaning most of the store and she only did the cooler area. I was dog tired. And she even asked me to do things, like fill the mop bucket for her, and put up the dining room chairs... I was like, bitch, what the fuck are you doing? She did easy stuff, like closing the register......... So I told the crew leader for the night (who happens not to like her) and he had me write a complaint and sign it. I didn't say anything to her the night before, I wasn't planning to. But this is not the first time she pulls this crap. And the boss is threatening to fire those who don't do things correctly, I have bills to pay now, I can't afford to lose this job, however crappy it may be.

I hope things aren't so tense at work today. I hate conflict. Usually I'm not this big a bitch, but she struck a chord. She is not a bad person, but she takes advantage. I have never been in this kind of situation before and it makes me feel all shaky and nervous. I am dreading going in today :(

Then there is the fact that I've realized that socializing at work is out of the question. They are all 4-5 years younger than I am... Live in different planets. One of em had a friend ask me to buy them alcohol last night... I sounded "uncool" and like a "bitch" but I told them NO straight up... Gave them lectures and everything. I don't know where that came from LOL, guess the adult side of me saw a bunch of morons and it aggravated me.

*Sigh, I need a better job. Perhaps I will find another. I will look around if the waters become rocky. But until then I will stick this one out. I just hope everything turns out alright. I hope that I can handle the stress I will endure today.

There are worse things going on in the world. This isn't chaos or anything... I'm just in a state of mind in which little things are overwhelming, and people are intimidating. What the hell happened to the confident carefree me? I used to be able to do anything.

Maximus- in a quest for the squeaking banana and all the chewable shoes in the world.
This has been today's photographic presentation.

A Tour of the Accommodations

The bedroom
Entertainment center, and mini fridge. Holds dvd, xbox, stereo, TV, pics of the family, books, etc.
Just a wall where max's HP box was temporarily put LOL
Had this in my room, thought I'd put it here.
Max having fun with the floor mat LOL

continued

Part one of 2 ^ of a divided bathroom. This one has the walk in closet and linen closet in it.

Another view of the TV room
Door to 2 car garage #2 with doggy doors LOL
Hallway to bedroom and divided bathroom
The hallway entrance to bathroom.

Cont.

^Above is a view of a portion of our TV room. Complete with leather reclining sofas, an encyclopedia book case, chess/checkers table, and....
^My mom's prized collectible beverages... Undrinkable, this is a collection of discontinued drinks, and crystals from Venezuela... We've had it for 15 years.
^ The big screen TV with satellite cable in HD, so no boredom can occur LOL. Also surround sound and a record player.

At a Loss for Words

I've been speechless for days now. I feel like I'm in shock, hoping I don't wake up from this dream.

I didn't know it would be so hard just knowing the pain I predicted you'd feel. I'm hoping that I don't disappoint you, that I can make you happy. That I can fill that void and be what you expected. I find myself thinking of little things that I hope I can do to make you feel more at home. I know it's months away but here I am planning your room out, looking for ways to make a warm space for you, with all you need and want and a bit more in it. I find myself looking forward to spending time with you finally, without fearing the day you have to leave again. Without having to drive you away to the airport, wishing I could turn the car around and go back and hold you close just one more time before hundreds of days go by.

I've been praying for so long for this chance. Watching others hold hands and wishing I can give you mine to hold too. Hearing you when you're down, looking at your face when you're troubled and being mocked by the distance. Even listening to your cherished moments and not being able to take part in them with you. And one day I found the courage to relay my feelings publicly and doors opened, and you are no longer a shadow in my life, but the light that others see when I smile and prosper.

I read everything you all wrote about 5,000 times. I am overwhelmed by the words, by the thoughts. I am thankful for having been able to show you who I am, and share my dreams and deepest thoughts with you. And I'm thankful that you've let me into your worlds as well. You have made me feel welcome and familiar. I know he is dear to you just as a son is dear to a loving mother. For the first time he'll be far away and I know you will be worried. But I want to make you a promise. I will take care of him and keep him safe, and spoil him. I'll always be there for him and do my best for him. And I know he needs you too, and I'll make sure he can go home as much as possible and see everyone who makes his heart whole.

I think of all that's been said and I want to cry again. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me this way. It is rare in this world to find this. I'm nervous and overjoyed and looking forward to the future. I love you baby. Thank you so much. Remember that you can always count on me for anything ANYTHING you need.

I want to thank you again V and C for your trust and support. Thank you for being there for me too. I won't let you down.

I love you more than anything in this world baby.

~*}{^He Wrote Love In My Heart^}{*~

In my dream I fell into a silver horizon and encountered clarity beyond that which my eyes could ever behold. Forever will they remain dormant and will my heart know the glory of the soul that awoke my love and lay my shallow eyes to sleep. Your love is a sweet descent into my dreams and my heart is forever yours to hold.

Happy Anniversary Love <3

Making Sense

Oh goodness... This week has been a LONG one. I think a lot... I guess that's obvious... And after talking to Mike, and reading Vani's post... I've only become more pensive...

My dad has taught me that in life, there are very rarely opportunities. Good opportunities, that will enable us to succeed and pursue the things we want... Opportunities. I guess the only hard part is learning to see them, to recognize them when we encounter them. I may have my ups and downs with mom and dad. I'm a very free spirited and strong willed person. I like to fly and my pace in life has always been fast. I'm not a late bloomer. This, I am noticing, is the root of all my conflicts with my parents. They didn't want me to grow up too fast, I guess they understood that childhood is a wonderful time in life and that its important to hold onto some of that carefree state before entering the harsh world we must face as adults... I don't blame them for it. I respect them for it, because they've only been trying to protect me all along. Even from myself. It's been hard to establish a sense of independent identity... My own values, beliefs, my own way of doing things. But slowly and steadily, I've been getting there. I'm growing up. I'm achieving everything I've sought out to. It's not easy.

It's been slow change. For all my life I've never been able to talk to them as I have now. I've never told them what I think about the way the past has shaped my life, the way their actions good and bad have shaped the person that I am. I've told them what I want, cleared misconceptions. I'm showing them the real me. There have been some arguments along the way. But I'm satisfied. Their efforts show. They are giving me space, respecting my desires, my decisions. They are letting go of my reins and allowing me to hold them on my own. Mom and dad's only fault, has been their desire to protect me and help me be better. I can't ask more of them. They are finally listening. And I have learned to make myself heard and understood.

I have no doubt in them anymore. I have no fear. No reason to hide or lie. They would never hurt me or disrespect my decisions. They trust in my judgment of right and wrong... This is what I wanted... They seem like scary people, but really... they aren't. Not once you open your eyes and see what they are really trying to do.

Opportunities... I was thinking about this for a while. Maybe he can stay here at home... School here's cheaper than at mason. I can be there for him, we can be together. Mom and dad do like you baby... They suggested this to me before I said anything to them. I never thought they'd do this... There are rules in this house, that is for the best... This is why I know it will be ok... They will embrace you as part of this family... Have no problem giving you a hand to visit home when you feel homesick. You won't have to pay rent or anything... Mom and dad would not offer this if they couldn't provide a good and safe environment for us...

It sounds so wonderful to me when I say it like that... But I feel bad thinking about your dad... wondering if he will be mad at me too... Wondering if you'll be happy here without V and C. Wondering if my desire to have you here is selfish and if you'll be angry at me one day for asking you to come here. And suddenly... I feel stuck again.

The truth is, I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss you so much. I feel lonely and hate thinking that you do too. I think rationally that it doesn't have to be now. We don't have to so drastically take important decisions like these... I know this... There is a time for everything... Right now is just not. But knowing this does not ease my sadness like I want it to.

I don't want to hurt you just because I'm becoming anxious...

I know he'd be broken hearted too V... I know he'd think of you all the time and feel sad that he's far away. I know that he needs you guys now. I know you adore him, and he adores you... I love him very much. I'd do anything for him, anything to know he's ok and happy. I haven't been able to spend much time with you guys... But I have come to love you guys too. To hope and pray for good things for all of you like you're my family too, and to want to be able to some day offer anything I can if anyone ever needed help or anything at all... The last thing I want is to hurt anyone. I don't want to be selfish. One day we'll know when the time is right. Now doesn't have to be the time I know. I just wish it would get easier as time went by, rather than more difficult to bear.

Thank you for your words. They really made sense to me and eased my tension lol. I smiled when I read them and understood a lot. A smile after this week was something I really needed :)

Daily Anxiety Attacks.

Things seem to be getting more and more complicated. Rather than lightening the load on my shoulders, my latest decisions have made everything more cumbersome. I've been thinking endlessly. What could I be doing wrong? What am I doing wrong.

They are concerned about me... About Jorge too. Sometimes it seems like their only expectations for me and my siblings are irresponsibility. Getting pregnant, ruining my life. I guess it's normal for parents to fear such events. They've spent 21 years trying to prevent such things from happening. To them, we are like loaded guns.

I can't help but be angry at life. I'm angry because I've been waiting for so long it seems. I've been waiting for years to be with him. Years... How much longer must we wait, I keep asking whoever is listening. I want everything now. I want to take care of him. Those things seem so far away. When will someday come?

They told me I could so I asked... Can I go see him in December? They looked at me like I was crazy. It is inappropriate they said. It is wrong. What would his father think? I got mad when they said that... But I remember asking him, what would your dad would think about me... He said nothing... But I don't know... How could he not though? I don't know.

They have no problem with you coming over here. You can come as many times as you want. But being in their house even without you makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps because I'm always fighting with them about things like this. They said they'd pay your way if you wanted to come over in December... The difference between me going over there and you coming over here is that they are watching us here... Permanent chaperons... But damn... Is there an age limit for that? From a legal stand point, I could technically say, " I can do whatever I want" but from realistic stand points, I live in their house, I can't take care of myself right now... I have to respect their rules." All I want is to feel normal... I want to be able to spend time with him without being afraid that my parents are going to humiliate me... All I want is for them to forget about they're dirty minds and realize that if that were the nature of my relationship with him, then the distance would have killed it long ago. That the times I've spent with him in these years have been the most happy ones in my life, and they can't blame me for wanting to feel that all the time. I want them to realized that when he is gone, I feel lonely all the time, and I could have all the friends in the world, but none of them could make me feel as happy as he does. Because I close my eyes and remember little things, like getting chased by a crazy horse... Or walking to Mcdonalds in 25 degree weather and missing the metro bus a bunch of times... lol even making hot dogs at 9pm and arguing the proper way to make them LOL.

I guess I'm at a crossroads... Trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. What is reasonable and what is not. Trying to figure out what I can do to be near him... This distance is not fair anymore. I think we deserve to be together now...

Maybe I'm ranting right now... But something has to alleviate the way I feel lately. Because I thought telling mom and dad would make things easier... Like they'd see how much pain I'm in and fix it. But I don't let them see how I feel, I can't. Because my feelings to them are immature endeavors, things I control and do on purpose. I thought they'd know how hard this is and help me find a way to make it better...

Something has got to give. Because I don't want to feel this pain in my chest like a have a boulder keeping me from breathing. Because I don't want to wake up anymore with tear marks and dark circles under my eyes...

Colombia Universe

The judges of this year's Miss Universe contest were LAME! Tali (Colombia) is clearly the more beautiful candidate... plus the world has not seen her nipple, (if you can find Venezuela's oopsy LOL.)

Plus it is not hard to be that skinny in a country like venezuela... I know from experience LOL!

The next 6 semesters

OK. So this is my plan for graduation. I obviously have a lot of work ahead of me. This isn't counting this semester. But I think this is ok. The career pays well financially and in a sense of fulfillment. I'm pretty excited about this major. I never felt quite this motivated, though I am not ready to go back to school in 5 days lol. Well anyway. Thought I'd post this.

Disheartened

Gently the wind blows through blades of dark grass dazzled by a glimmer of moonlight,
The city below, once gem-like and radiant, glowing bleak and dim, nearly lifeless...
There on the hill she sits, thoughtless, idle, wishing for nothing more, hoping she can lay there in that moment forever, effortless and unmotivated. The darkness permeates her soul and despair flows freely from her eyes. At times, even the most bright and heartened can fall victim to gloom and sorrow.

What's For Dinner?!

I need to lose 40 lbs... (As previously mentioned.) So in honor of culinary inspiration, I'm writing here a few dishes I am going to put to the test.

-Chicken Caesar Wraps
-Papas (hervidas) al ajillo w/ turkey breast
-Lean honey baked ham in a cobb salad
-Baked potato w/ broccoli, cheeze and lean ham... (not fond of turkey)
-Whole wheat spaghetti al ajillo
-Lemon Pepper rotisserie chicken w/ green bean salad
-Tossed salad
-Fruit bowl (apples & grapes) with honey over them
-Mofongo (delicious Puerto Rican dish made with plantains) and chicken breast sauteed in onions


UM - what else is there that isn't greasy??? I'm aiming more for smaller portions than eating leaves like a rabbit haha. I eat too much. I lost one pound so far.....................

Jumble

I'm happy and at the same time a bit sad. I know things will get better now, I know I'm not in a cage anymore, and I can live my life and include mom and EVEN dad in it. I'm a person again. A little strange to my life, but rebuilding the more extrovert side of me.

There's so much happening all at once. Play time is over and I need to buckle down on my last summer course, so I can get that A. Need to head over to my other school and register for the fall. I wanna see about a job too, maybe I can help you out baby so you don't have to screw up your car and get another job. Not to mention, the $300 dad gives me each month isn't making the cut anymore, with gas prices going up. I'm still adjusting to not having you here anymore. Every time you leave I feel all funky and confused, like I don't know what to do next.

Now I'm thinking that my problems aren't just springing from my family life. I'm still screwed up about other things. I know it's been a long time baby. I know it would be nice for me to forget. But it's so hard. It feels like I'm cursed. Men scare me. It was 4 years... Why can't I forget? I remember after it all happened, that kind of guy didn't stop coming Tom, Fred, that weird old guy I was serving food at work. I think I'm traumatized. I know I should see my therapist, talk about it. But I can't. It's too hard. I don't think I can. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore now either.....

I read C's blog this morning too. I'm so glad you got to talk to her. I think your mom is going to be ok. My mom went through this process too, and today I can say I have a mom. I've finally seen her the way she is. I have a mom and it feels good. I remember when she first started on meds, it took a while to find the right one. Sometimes she was out of it, others pacing and high strung. And this year, I finally see her. She understands me, listens. She is trying her best. She isn't crazy. I can't wait for you all to see that day. You're right, the best thing you can do is be strong for her, and take care of yourselves. Try and remember that she is ok :) I'm still praying for you all.

Well I think I've exhausted my writing limit for today. I currently look like a banshee lol, with my hair all sorts of wack and dark circles under my eyes haha... Gonna eat lunch soon. (I forgot it is saturday)

Laterz! Take Care <3

Itinerary

First- I felt like posting a picture of that bear! I sleep with it and it's almost like a pillow lol. ----------------------------->

I haven't seen my psychologist in weeks. I don't feel the need either. I'm getting by alright, even though there is the rare occasion in which I feel down. What else is there to talk about really? Maybe I should go one more time, ask her if she evaluates me as rehabilitated lol. I think I've got shell shock. Like it hasn't really kicked in that all is well. That mom and dad have a human side. I'm still adjusting I guess.

I'm so excited about Monday. I've started planning all these possible things to do so we don't get bored, nor do we stick the the computer screen the whole time you guys are over here. Thinking about a bbq, preparing a fancy dinner, finding a place in which to play pool, bowling, movies, horses, etc. I know we are poor though so I'm trying to think of inexpensive things to do. We probably won't get to do much anyway, because Jason is a pain in the ass, and boys are so laid back and "whatever" lol.

OOh my tummy hurts right now. I am going to eat breakfast, nag myself to do that rather than a certain other person ;)

Take care peepz!

what happened to me?! LOL

Soooo... I AM FAT! I've been dieting for a few weeks and I have only lost one pound. My face is round. I have rolls. 2 chins... Gruesome right???

:( good bye peanut butter cookies, and cookies all together. Good bye cake. Ice cream. :(

I've come to the point in my life where everything I eat turns into belly marshmallows... I guess this is the way its gonna be until I die lol. Hello discipline. Sigh.

Random Moment

This is me paying my last respects to my former car. I miss it sooo much!!! I miss paying 30 bucks for gasoline, and parking easilly... I miss not having to climb into my car as if it were a mountain lol. *Sigh, my first car, it went down the toilet... R.I.P. Focus.

The Sun Hasn't Shone Yet Today

Gotta go to school in a few. Long night last night, bad dream, woke up irritated. Feel like being alone for just a few hours. The irritability isn't subsiding... actually its elevating.

Maybe I do take things too lightly. Maybe some things don't have solutions. I've never been one to look at the dim side. And somehow I feel forced to and it brings me down. Still I can't let go of the notion that there isn't anything I can't do. I can't let go of the thought that nothing ever resolves if no one is willing to talk about things or listen.

I feel so blah right now. I've always said the way I feel, the things I think. Lately I'm just afraid to say any of it. The effects of my verbalization bring about consequences I can't readily deal with. It ends in passive aggression and sweeping under the rug. That's just not my style.

Maybe I should just subdue my instincts and allow each day to play out on its own.

July 4th - Independence Day-

Thank you God. It took me 4 years, 4 years to break free. And I have. Everything will fall into place now. Everything will be ok. I told mom and dad that there is someone. And that it is you.

They smiled. They said they like you, they'd rather it be you than anyone else.

The Right Way

Tell me why I just cleaned the house... The WHOLE thing, and the kitchen looks blown up already... Got to do some dishes, clean the counter tops, sweep, and tomorrow start on what seems like 400 tons of laundry. I'm feeling free as a butterfly, so doing all of these things doesn't bother me. I don't have dad on my but telling me to hurry up. It's been a good vacation. Time on my own to reflect, to vent. Still I can't get used to being in charge, haven't ever been before. I cook, and clean, and make sure things are in order. I don't think I will be as horrible a house keeper as I thought. It's been a week and we are all still alive, fed and crackin' lol.

Writing is something I don't do enough anymore. I forgot how good it feels to reflect. Anywho...

Another session of therapy gone by. An hour and 30 minutes talking to the nice lady. I still want to know what's in her notebook, yes I am that nosy. Well we did role reversal, me telling my parents things I feel... Her pretending to be me and me pretending to be my parents. I felt like a dork, but hey it got me thinking.

So once I got out, I felt empowered again. I stood up straight and marched to the car and called dad. Not mom because she never answers the phone. He was watching John Wayne with grandpa but I figured I should talk to him. Talk to him the same why my sister wasn't able to before she decided to move out. This time, it was me declaring that I am an adult. It feels good.

I started by telling him that I love him very much. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, make him sad, break his heart, disappoint or fail him. I told him that I appreciate everything he has ever given me and tried to do for me. Went on to admitting that I'm intimidated by them, overwhelmed and afraid of them.

I tried to make him understand that even though I have made mistakes, they did too. That I was hurt by them in ways they do not know, because I haven't found a way to express those things to them. They didn't understand that the things I've done weren't personal, nor intentional. And that I know that they didn't hurt me on purpose.

I told him that I need a certain amount of independence. My parents make me feel like a child. And that can't happen anymore. That I need to be able to make my own decisions without fearing judgment on their part, or intervention. I understand that as parents they want to protect me, and that they hurt when I get hurt. But I told him that that is how we learn in life. We fall, and we get back up and start over. I reminded him that he came from a more difficult background than me, and he made without help. He was able to be independent and he can be proud that he reached his goals. I want to do things on my own too, and I am capable just as he was.

For the first time, I spoke and he listened and he told me I was right. He told me I'm grown up and that he wants to support me. I asked him for that. That I'd give anything to be able to make a choice, and yes, risk getting hurt, but have their support in whatever I choose to do. That when I get hurt, instead of lectures and "I told you so's" they should try holding me and being there for me. When you're down, the last thing you need is blame and being preached to.

I think I'm getting somewhere with this. I think everything will be O.K. This is where I start setting boundaries. This is the right thing to do. Helping them understand and understanding them. Making sure we are all O.K.

I want them to be a part of my life more than anything. And I hope that soon, I will let them see the me I am without being afraid of being judged or manipulated and controlled.

I feel relief.

My spirits are so high, I was inspired to cook up a storm. Pepper steak, white rice, fried plantains, a delicious almond vanilla cake with chocolate icing... MMMMMMM So stuffed though haha. Anywho. School starts on Friday. I'm embarking on a new journey. I needed a fresh start. I'm going to study nursing. I'm rejuvenated and ready to tackle my tasks.

More Than That.

I just want you to hvae more than just a life of wondering if you can afford to go to the docotr. I just want you to be ahappy and feel accopmlishe.d I just want you to realize, I mean, really realize that your future startsn ow and you are theo nly one who can build that. That I want you to feel accomplished and proud of yourself.

I want so much for you.

So don't be mad at me antmore ok? Don't be amd at me for believeing in you. If I hurt you I didnt' mean to. THere's so much I want to say, but I just hope it doesn't come out wrong or it makes sense. I need you to be ok for you, and for me too. I can't do oit alone.

I love you... I love you.

<3 Someone who cares, loves and adores you with everything she has......

Me <3

This Is How I Know.

After much contemplation and procrastination, I've done it. Today was my first day in therapy. My psychologist is a very nice lady. I must admit I was really scared before I went in, but then I went in and I just couldn't shut up. I talked and talked... I watched her write things about me in her notebook. I wonder what she wrote. I wish I could see.

But I guess when you have time to explain the things you feel to a perfect stranger, and she listens and asks you questions and makes observation.... Your life suddenly starts unraveling into little bits that slowly make sense... Yes, my life is one big blob of drama lol.

I keep thinking of how I'd stand up for my four years with him. Four years they didn't know about not because I didn't want to tell them, but because they refused to be a part of it. I was afraid that they'd shoot so many things at me that I wouldn't be able to argue with and overcome... but it's not so hard. It's not because I have a good man.

I have what I've always wanted... And what they've always wanted for me.

He loves me. He loves me when I'm crazy, when I'm sad, when I'm needy, when I'm a downright pain in the ass. He loves me when I'm doing well, and he loves me when I'm not. He takes all of me and doesn't run away when I'm not at my best. He's taken the time to know me. To figure out what makes me smile, what makes me cry. To understand what I need and what I want. To let me know him. He will take care of me any way he can. They should be thankful for him, because he was my support when I needed some. He kept me in one piece. He did that for me when they couldn't. I want to take care of him too. So let me. The decision is made... Whether they support me or not, it's their problem. I have been half alive all these years. 16 years old for 4 years, and I'm tired.

NO, I'm not a child anymore. And YES I am entitled to living my own life as an adult now, without mind games, manipulation and threats. You are my parents, love me for who I am. Support me in my decisions. Be proud that I can make it on my own. Support me even if you don't agree with me, because it's my life and I'm tired of living the one you've chosen for me.

And that's it. That's all I have to say. They are a force to recon with...

But, so am I.

Every Night

I don't know how to rate this year. So far I'm afraid of what's to come.

I've always wanted to grow up so fast, to get things done so that I can do the things I dream of. So that I can go home. And I still do. Only I didn't realize that growing up was so painful. I see things now around me that make me hurt. I feel the pain of those I love, and it wounds me. I feel like my writings are repetitive, but I just don't know how else to handle this uselessness. I can do nothing to help...

Every tomorrow is even more eerie than the next. I feel uneasy. I'm in an unstable state of mind, and the slightest breeze pushes me closer to the edge. How can anyone depend on such a vulnerable person? Everyone around me sees how weak I am. How ironic. I thought once, that I could take ANYTHING on.

All I can do now, is pray. So I will send up my prayers every single night. I will pray for everyone to be all right. I will pray for the sun to shine, and the clouds to disappear. I will pray for the bad times to fade quickly, and for endurance. I will pray. So even if tomorrow seems dark, I will light a candle and hope that those I pray for find the light I've wished upon them. I will pray that I can find means to facilitate their journey through the storm.

In Response

They say, that from the moment we are born, we begin learning to communicate. Funny though, nearly 21 years later, I'm still at a loss, not for words, but for the correct ones. I was writing in response to your publishing from earlier yesterday... Your words triggered my thoughts and so I felt compelled to respond. It is when I read what you've written, and I am compelled to respond that I remember why I miss it so much when you write, and why I love that you write. It is when I am writing back though, that I'm reminded of why I write. My voice when I speak to you, rushes out quicker than do my thoughts, and I usually end up saying either the wrong thing or something that makes no sense.

Like for example, earlier tonight, when I told you to cancel your movie rentals, and you said you would if I'd promise to go over to visit you soon. Quickly, I said, "I pr"... and you said you'd be angry with me if I didn't keep that promise. I said it hoping you'd free yourself of yet another debt and that I'd be helping you in some way. But now I'm alone in my room again. Running on but 5 hours of sleep. Here I am stinging. The reality is, that I'd have made you a promise I was not sure I could keep. And then I share your heartbreak. Because I would love to be with you always. I would love to know that I am indeed a comfort to you, a support, rather than something else taken from you.

Normal... I don't think I know what that means. Not sure there is such a thing. Perhaps normal means perfect. Normal- having the things you want the way we imagine them to be, removing the conflicts that cause our lives to be... not so normal. Maybe perfect and normal are synonymous and unattainable.

But there is one thing that you should always always remember. God, well, He doesn't DO these things to us. He doesn't control us as we control the characters in our games. He is like a father. Like our parents, he is someone we should look up to and respect. Like our parents, He does not control what we do or what life brings us. He is there for support, always listening, always guiding us, whispering what is right and what is not. He is not cruel. I can't believe that he pushes you to drown, or any of us. It is up to us baby, to see His signs. To try. I don't have all the answers. I can only have faith in Him. I can only believe that He is good and merciful. And as long as I believe he is with me, there is hope. Have faith baby, keep hope, for you and those you love.

This will subside. Your ailment will soon be gone. It's already started, you have the tools. You can find out now what it is that is hurting you. And when you do, it will only be a matter of time until you are cured. There IS a cure for that.

To know that the people you love have suffered, and that even now they feel pain... To be so powerless, and not be able to help take the pain away from them. I know it is frustrating and hurtful. That is what my last post meant. It's hard to smile when you know there are good people hurting... It is sickening. But you can't for one second let your head down. You have to keep strong, and fight for the future. Better yourself and open the doors to that which seems so far away. Seeing your mom and perhaps bringing her here one day, being a great support for your family, having a home and kids, your health and quality of life...

I love you.

They fall by the millions, collecting into an ocean of icy melancholy. A storm fallen on one only, streaming through my safe of emotions, penetrating everything strong and resilient in my being. When will I look around and not see the pain overflowing in their vaults? When will their tempests cease? Worn out, weathered... Once I was a willful warrior, capable of overthrowing the reign of aches and hardships that surrounded my loved ones... The plague that's covered the world in bitterness and hopelessness. At a time in this life, I was indestructible. Ironically here I am, trying to keep afloat in a boat I thought was unsinkable. Here I am, emptying the rain, emptying the ocean from my small vessel. When did I stop knowing and being so sure? When did I bury my optimism?

What is tolerable and not? When am I wrong or right? What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss these questions around and suddenly, my self image is broken and I'm not sure if I'm the same person I was a few years back. I feel wounded. As if I'd been ignoring pain and fighting new pains as they came. As if it were layered inside me and the pressure of going forward became too much to bare.

What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss that question around only for a small while. How can I satisfy another if I can't keep myself afloat? I'm so dependent... So incapable of fending for my heart. I've resented where my life has lead me and desired so for a way back home. Home... What would I do without my home? What would I do if I didn't have a home to fight for anymore? Perhaps my dependency could cause the loss I so fear.

Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes i feel like sanity's jumped out the window. Maybe they were all right to look at me the way they do.

I have one prayer tonight. Please help me... I need my strength again. I need my will again. Though I've not lost my hope, I've lost something. Please help me find it again. I'd like to leave these doubts I have of my fortitude. I'd like my old self back. The self that could do anything. The self that could save the world... The self that could make a difference. Please.

THINGS I AM DOING TODAY:

1-Mom insists on going to the dollar store but she doesn't want to drive. Guess who is her taxi driver...

2-Picking up some milk, a ham, and something sweet to bake for tomorrow at the grocery store.

3-Continue working on a floor plan due on Wednesday.

4-Eat at 5 because I took some meds that prohibit me from eating until 3 hours after taking them.

5-Do nothing for the rest of the day because it is Friday, I am off, kinda cranky, and not in the mood for cleaning.

6- ='(

MY DREAM CAR

I know I said I wanted it to be white, but I think the black and red looks sexy hehe. This car costs a whopping 95,000 buckaroos. One can dream right?

Reborn through Revelation

Your eyes perpetually consume me, your gaze has remained in my memory through each moment of my life since you seized my beating heart. The hours linger on, and I wish your voice could soon fill the stark soul that sits before the deceptive reflection in a large pane of glass. Nothing reveals me more than my reflection in your eyes. Only there do I feel myself reborn into all the beautiful fantasies I dreamed of as a child. And I become an angel... I blossom, I gleam like a rose in a mist of glistening dew. I feel myself invincible, formidable... and I pray that my strength resonates and you too can feel as fearless and brave as I do. I feel so safe, so new. All I needed to come alive, rests within you.

Life and Time

I've plunged into instability, a continent of quicksand, where slowly I sink to the finite moments of my life, or so it seems. I'm paralyzed by the ticking of time, a bitter nemesis that grows fonder of my tears with each minute gone by. Go ahead then, if you must wash me down with a glass of your finest wine, indulge in my misery, in my yearnings never met, in my anguish now unsettled. Laugh it off with your greatest companion and watch me squirm and fight the pain with all my might. I grow restless, foreign to myself. I'm swelling as I soak in each drop of blood, each ounce of sadness shed by those so dependent on a strength I really do not hold. So tempted, I'd like to throw in the towel, just give up on myself in times like these. It's too hard when I feel so alone. Well pass the wine fetch another bottle, I too would like to drown my troubles away. I too would like to forget the teaming masses that depend on me. If only you were more merciful, but no, you both work together to puncture me. So fast the pendulum swings when I wish it would stop, and too slow when I need it to hasten up.

And then I wonder if maybe you've nothing to do with it, and if I'm the only one inflicting pain and weighing down my bit of paradise. Perhaps I trigger the bitterness, and each salty tear my love and I have shed is my own doing. And the quicksand aims to suffocate me, I'm swimming in a tar so heavy and I feel my lungs collapse. Tired as I may be, I will go on to challenge the routes of my insanity, I'll continue breathing and my heart beating. I've so much more to fight for, so much to lose. Surrender is not an option, not at this juncture, I must keep my life afloat. I love him too much.

Artistic Forms of Expression

I have decided to embark on a new adventure: Belly Dancing. I'm taking lessons each Saturday morning, it's actually pretty amazing. I'm not half bad for a beginner and I'm really excited about it. It's exercise, and fun at the same time. I think this dance is beautiful, it's not easy but once you master it, you can do beautiful things. It sort of reminds me this part in fantasia... Impressionable? Maybe you can call me that. But I just think I'm open to trying new things and I can see beauty in many artistic forms of expression (also getting into theater). Here are two videos. One is of belly dance, the other fantasia:

2008

Horoscopos 2008-Walter Mercado. I posted his guys predictions for me last year and they were pretty accurate so here it goes again :)

You Need Not Read My Rants- You've been warned lol

At some point tonight, I was sleepy. But it is now 2:30a.m. and I am not the least bit able to sleep. I am sleepy don't get me wrong but I just can't keep my eyes shut. This dog has my internal clock all screwed up lol. He'll be 3 months old in a few days, it feels like he is never going to age. Roger will be 8 years old in February, he still acts like a puppy hehe. He hates the new arrival, doesn't even want to look at him. But in time he will accept him in the house and all will be well.

School starts tomorrow, I can't say I'm excited. I feel like I just finished with the stress and drama of last semester's assignments. I am confident in my ability to do well, I broke my slump and am back in the good grades game... wow that sounded so fruity lol.

I am glad though that I won't have to see my friggin cousin for a while. He is annoying and obnoxious and frankly I can't stand him. He is 13, weighs about 89 pounds, he looks like a troll, he thinks he deserves everything because he is him, pero no tiene nada en que caerse muerto. He is pissing me off lately. Like yesterday he comes into my room to play with my puppy, he keeps grabbing him by the snout and shaking him and then Maximus gets exasperated and starts biting at anyone and anything. I told him to stop that. Then later I ask him to hold him for a sec and he said that it is a dirty animal and he won't touch him. Then today we went to outback and he decided that he wanted the most expensive thing on the menu, and I manipulated his little dumb brain into getting something cheaper, because his dumb ass has never set foot in a restaurant like that, his first choice was too big for him to eat, and he didn't even eat what he did end up ordering completely. He came home after that, and my puppy was crying and he starts yelling at him and saying that he is always whining and giving me an attitude. I've just about had it with his impudence, so I told him that he whines more than anyone in the house and his mom still loves him so he should just keep his mouth shut. His mom better not say shit to me, she has to teach her kid some fucking manners. For christmas my mom got him a cell phone and he looked at it like it was a piece of shit and didn't even say thank you. I told him that he couldn't use my xbox or my PS2 and he gave me an attitude so I told him that if he asks me one more time I will make it so he can't even watch TV in my house. My stupid aunt was in the basement the other day, and Roger was down there and I heard her yelling at him and saying that she was going to punch him. I DARE HER, I will have her kicked out of here so fast she won't even have time to find a box to live in.

Her ugly ass daughter decided to tell me that her grandfather and the family thought that my dad was a wuss because he listens to my mom. I turned around and told her that grandpa is a coward and no one to judge because he has beat the shit out of his wife and kids and my dad has never laid one finger on a woman. A man that takes care of his wife and listens and respects her is not a wuss, and the man that judges a man negatively for doing such things can't call himself a man. She couldn't say shit back.

I am tired of having people that I greatly dislike in my house. I didn't even have a say in the decision to bring them here. And everyone is frigging uncomfortable. I told them the day they invited my aunt over here not to bring her over here. I was beside myself. It's like I didn't even count. But now they know I was right and that bringing those people over here was a burden. They don't know how to appreciate anything. They are very ill educated people, sexist, emotionally stunted, selfish and hypocritical. My aunt says that hot bananas give her sinuses for heaven sakes! My cousin is dating someone because he is moving away. Steven thinks the world owes him everything. My grandpa is a selfish sexist bastard, who didn't even get past middle school.

We went to the movies with some of my sisters friends when Crystal was here. They all said they couldn't stand her. She didn't want to talk to anyone and treated them like they had ebola or something, like she was too good to talk to them. This bitch is even lucky she came along and they paid her movie ticket.

I'm tired of kissing people's asses because my dad feels bad when I show how I really feel. This is it. When Steven bothers me, I will not keep shut. When Titi Jackie steps past the line, I will put her in her place. She is a guest in this house and needs not impose and no one has asked her for her opinion anyway (she is a know-it-all, a lady who thinks bananas cause sinus pains... A lady who can't think of anything but criticizing my dad for being able to watch TV when he was little because he got good grades when she never was able to... WHY?! Because you got shitty grades bitch! It's only fair! Get the hell over it! Stop being jealous! GROW UP!) None of his family has noticed that out of 4 children, my dad is the only one with a house, good kids who know how to love and how to appreciate things they are given, a career, and a fulfilling life thus far. My aunt has lived in her parents house til recently (she is 46!) She married a bum, got divorced, had another baby with some other guy that abandoned her and the baby, and since then has decided to live vicariously through my cousin who is a flat chested, flat ass, FUGLY girl incapable of showing affection or friendship with little or no personality.

I'm not going to entertain them anymore or spend time with people who make my blood pressure go beyond healthy levels. I miss my baby I'll be with him!

UGH! I have to stop ranting, I have a headache. I just needed to vent. Good Night

Un Año Que Viene, y Otro Que Se Va

I've been too lazy to post. Well maybe between spending time with the Aunt J., Crystal and Steven, and maintaining some version of my regular routine, I just haven't been able to do the little things I like to do.

I feel so nervous each time one year ends and a new one begins. I'm hoping everything goes well next year, for everyone. I'm hoping I do better as a daughter, and as a girlfriend, so I can make the people I love happy and take care of them.

Yes, as you can tell I have many hopes for the coming year [I have many more than that lol but we'll take it a little at a time huh ;)]

This year so much has happened. A total of 17 days with my baby who is now in college :D , a raise of my GPA, a beginning of a relationship between my cousin Crystal and I (these things take time, we've never been close, but I've always been sad that we've never been friends before. Got a new puppy, a new bedroom set.

Thank you God, for a break. For all of your help. For all of the blessings you've bestowed upon me. Please bless those who've lent a helping hand and who need a break too.

Happy New Year everyone!

MY HOME

This is the greatest Christmas in the history of my life. I am quite emotional right now, so much so that I can't write very well. So here are a few thousand words worth of memories for now.

I Believe In Love

I now understand what is meant when people tell you to get to know and understand your partner's values and beliefs. So many people are shocked by new things they learn about their loved ones after rushing into marriage. It's scary to think about it, about the conflicts that can spring from a simple difference in values.

Because I feel like in my chest there is a cluster of unresolved mystique and emotion, I have to write tonight. I thought I had it all figured out, the subject of friends. I had come to realize that there was no such thing, or at least this type of relationship is rare. I had come to see that I didn't need a superficial relationship with another being to fill a void in me. That I didn't need to spend time with people who in the big scheme of things feel nothing for me, but use me to fill a void of their own. That sometimes it's better to be alone than in bad company. That there is only one person in my life I can call my friend, and that I needed no other companion. That one person is enough for me. I thought that everyone in the end, sought for that, the same as me, "one true and meaningful friendship." A friendship people search their whole lives for, like a needle in a haystack. And thank God, I've found it in the maze of my life.

I'd never put any "friend" before him. I'd never befriend anyone who's ambitions in the past were of harmful consequence to him. I'd never allow anyone to speak of him in a manner inadequate. My friendship with him is a part of me I treasure with every bit of my life.

I'd do anything to show you my faith and devotion. I've tried my best to do that throughout our years together. Above all I've tried to show you that your feelings matter to me, your concerns matter, and that's what I want. I don't know if my views are immature or if we are supposed to establish empty relationships with those who surround us... I don't know if I'm wrong or right, I'm not trying to know it all. I'm just showing you my values and hoping you show me yours too.

One day you will see how NOT alone you are. How even though there is a lot going on with your family and you don't see them as much as you'd like, they are ALWAYS there. Always thinking of you and always loving you. I am so thankful for that. So thankful to them.

And I hope when you look back on our time apart, one day even if it is when we are not anymore, you realize that I was with you the entire time.

In the World We Know Today

As women, we take on the role of mother, nurturer, house-keeper, career woman, confidant, lover, and countless other roles. We engage in the career world just as men, and still are expected to keep up with our work as mother at home at the end of the day. The role of women has changed very much throughout history, we have progressed and evolved but still, though it is said that we are, we are not equal to our men. It still amazes me every time I think about the studies that prove that women take on 2/3 of the responsibilities in the household. About the fact that a man entering my career field will earn much more than I, simply because he is a man.

I think that the reason behind all of this revolves around the nature that society has constructed for men. Men, who are not naturally nurturing beings with maternal instincts. Who are taught since childhood that it is not acceptable to show their emotions as women do. Who are viewed as our strong leaders. Who in the beginning of it all had the role of protector and financial providers in the home, leaving the housekeeping and raising of the children to their women. I think that it has been hard for men to accept that their roles are changing along with ours. That because we are career people just as they are and it is now difficult for only one person alone to provide for their family, that they have to share the role of parent, and housekeeper as well. That these beings that they were taught had to be more fragile and less aggressive than they are supposed to be, are accomplishing just as much as they are. That instead of moving up, they are downgrading and having to do tasks not worthy of men. WOW this sounds dramatic...

Anyway, what other explanation could there be for the countless cases of men that think that providing for the family is enough to keep a marriage and a family happy and healthy? What other explanation could there be for the amount of times men take their wives for granted, who care for their children and keep up their house, and work to help pay bills, and try to take care of them? How else could you explain the mentality that simply providing for the family can satisfy a woman's need for love and companionship? That she is not entitled to her part in the making of decisions because he supposedly provides for all that the family needs?

I wish that just once, those ignorant men could feel the pressure that these women go through. Like living a year in her shoes, and feeling exhausted after work, to then come home and instead of watching TV, feeding, bathing, sharing with, playing with, and making sure everything is well with the babies, and doing the laundry, and the dishes, and sweeping and mopping, and paying him attention and everything that comes with the job of mother and wife.

I'm not saying that men don't have great, and tiresome responsibilities, I'm just wondering why the lack of respect and consideration for a job that is so demanding?

Some of it is our own fault. We have to stop raising our boys to only have the role of taking out the garbage and mowing the lawn. We have to teach them that doing the dishes, and the laundry and other chores is OK. We have to make it clear to our husbands that they will not teach our boys that they should go through women in their youth as if they were cuts of meat, and that women are not here to be maids for them, but that men and women exist to TAKE CARE OF AND HELP EACH OTHER IN EVERYTHING. And we need to stop accepting the attitudes of those men who think we are their slaves and that we have to kiss the ground they walk on just because they make money. We can't allow ourselves to be taken for granted. We let them do these things to us... Maybe if they started being forced to share the responsibilities women take on, they would respect and value those responsibilities more and not think of them as jobs unworthy of their efforts.

Lluvia

Quisiera dormir tranquila y profundamente cada noche como si estuvieras aqui a mi lado de nuevo. Quisiera no escuchar nada mas que el latir de tu corazon y tu suave respiracion, pero no pudo ser esta noche. La lluvia cae violentamente tocando una cancion furiosa y desconsolada, mis ojos han quedado abiertos por horas sin fin, deseando a la paz que me brinda tu presencia. No pienso en nada mas dia y noche, en nada mas que tu. No quiero nada mas que tu. Que cruel, esta soledad immensa que me traga lentamente. En un instante recuerdo a la serenidad que senti al dormir con tu mano en la mia, y le ruego una vez mas a Dios que me regrese esa felicidad que senti esa noche. Le suplico de nuevo el poder sentirte a mi lado, y no tener que despedirme de ti nunca jamas. Se que si me tocan, se siente atravez de mi piel el dolor que siento en el alma, de amar tan desesperadamente y seguir tan lejos de el.

Y asi comienza esta conversacion contigo Dios. Otra carta para Ti, para que la leas cuando tengas tiempo, porque se que estas muy ocupado. Otra carta para compartir contigo lo mucho que lo amo, como solo Tu lo sabes. Le he tenido fe al amor, y a los milagros. He compartido con el todos mis secretos, mis llantos y rizas, mi coraje, mi lealtad, mi carino, todo lo que he podido. He llegado a conocerlo, un ser tan bello y maravilloso, gracias por haberlo puesto en mi camino. Pero aun no entiendo por que entre nosotros hay tanta distancia. Tu sabes por lo que rezo cada noche.
De nuevo me distrae el sonido del agua contra mi ventana. Quisiera escuchar su voz y contarte cuanto te extrano para derrotar esta soledad, pero se que en este momento duermes tranquilo. Entonces hare de cuenta que en mis suenos te encontrare, hasta manana.

Thought Soup

Finally! For a little while the three psycho birds that sleep in my room are quiet and still. Thank heavens! I am in my little dark box, listening to the spinning of the fan, and the pressing of each key as I type. What am I thinking right now? Not much. Only in the mood to document here in this bit of space, the little things I notice as time goes by.

I have attempted to write in here several times this month, as I like to spill my soup of thoughts into this container and store it just in case some brilliant mind wants to indulge in the richness of my intelligence lol. But each time I have been met by a dead end and nothing, absolutely nothing pours into this canvas through my fingertips.

Besides the fact, that I I just told my most special someone to go to sleep because he didn't feel like talking, I am feeling pretty _____ ... I guess the word I am looking for is "not in the mood to do anything whatsoever." OK so that was a few words... Whatever.

I just read the blog of someone I don't know. Someone who wrote something that I agree with and have been trying to put into words for the longest time but somehow haven't been able to.

It was about marriage and divorce. She asks: how is it that a person can stand there and in front of God swear to love and cherish someone 'til death do them part... and later come to feeling hatred for the same person they shared so much with? The same bed, the birth of their children, hundreds of secrets and moments of laughter and intimacy. How do people reach the point where they feel that it isn't worth duking it out for each other, when they swore that they would in the first place? I guess that is why marriage doesn't work so often nowadays, because so many are willing to give up that promise. So many don't realize that marriage is about taking care of EACH OTHER and not about winning each fight and that in marriage neither one can be selfish. They forget that they aren't supposed to be looking out for only themselves anymore, but after this beautiful union based upon a promise. That it isn't that they are giving up the whole "spending time with the guys" or "doing what I like to do"... but it is about gaining a witness to your life. Someone who makes your life meaningful and validates your existence so that you know that your life hasn't gone unnoticed and that you have impacted another soul they way they impacted yours.

I want to be married. I want to know that when I'm married it is because it was a mutual desire. That I'm not forcing someone into this frightening, ominous, pointless institution, that is cursed and will become extinct at some point in our lives. That we are both ready to take that step and not that only I am ready. I think this action is what reinforces the words I promise I love you. Don't know if that makes sense... Anyway, doesn't every woman want to marry someone who is confident enough in their love, in her, in himself, and in their willingness to fight for each other, to vow before God such a union.

You see this is where I confuse myself and wonder if I'm making my point. See, my point here was to express why marriage is important to me, why I want to be married, and what it means to me. What does it mean to the rest of the world I wonder?

I don't know what it is. I have this uneasy feeling. Like there is something I don't know. I think I'm missing something. I wish I knew. It's driving me crazy though. I can't relax. Something's wrong... I don't know what it is....

Certainty

I'm not in control of my own life. The things I want drift further from me day after day and nothing I've done has changed it. I'm sitting here in an empty classroom, basking in a peaceful silence and in time undisturbed by the strangers that just a moment ago sat around me. I'd rather not exist to them. I've given so much to the people who've called themselves my friends, only to be let down by a judgment, a lie, or by being forgotten. It hasn't happened with you though. Our entire relationship has managed from a distance, and every single day you call, you talk, you try. You hang onto me. Being alone without any friends, is so much easier than being alone without you. I need you most of all.

I wrote there, about all of the things that I want, that I need, and that I don't. But I'm always thinking about you. What you need. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I try to be, but I've done many things in my life. I've been hurt and used, I've helped others and been helped. I've been let go of and I've let go too. But you always tell me how new this all is to you, I'm the first person you have opened up to, and let in. I don't expect this to be OK for you. I don't expect you to feel the same as I do. I miss you, and it hurts. I miss you and it does make me cry, but I carry you with me everywhere I go. You're never missing from me.

I almost lost sight of what I'm doing down here, so many miles south of where you are. I'm making myself better. I'm securing my future. I'm almost done. I want to skip it all, I don't really want to do all of this. I just want to skip it all, and be with you and not cry and take care of you. But everything in this life takes work. It takes effort. I look forward to the future, to seeing my hard work pay off. I look in the distance and there you are walking toward and it's only a matter of time until I reach you.

I wish I could encourage you, I wish that you could see me in the distance too. But you see me moving away. I have a lifetime to give, and you feel you're running out of it. I'm not going anywhere. This is cruel, it's true. But what are the options. I'm giving you my all. I've decided that you are my path. I'm sticking with you. I'm sure about my feelings for you, I'm sure that what I see in you is genuine... Whatever happens, I'm in the palm of your hands... I love you.

Ketch-up Time

... Posting late, sleep is so much easier to neglect in the night than in the morning... But I am behind on a lot so I would like to catch up with things. FIRST OF ALL:

This is more than a week late... But Happy Birthday Mr. Tyler. I saw this and I thought of you, I loved goofy when I was a baby lol. It amazes me, all these little ones could barely talk when I met them. Now they are all about half my height and getting to school. Time flies. It's so nice to watch them grow though.
______________________________________

Yep. It's 2 am, so much I'm worried about. Like the fact that Abuelo Q. might be sick with cancer again. And I have been angry with him for years. Haven't held a conversation with him in over 6 years. I didn't know he was sick when mom and dad started making plans to bring him over here and I was complaining and whining. I feel guilty now, I shouldn't be so hard on him, on anyone for that matter. Cause then things like this happen and you realize how dumb you have been and what you should have done before. You don't want it to be too late before you realize that you shouldn't go to sleep angry with anyone.

I have a 68.5% in color systems. I am starting to wonder whether I will be successful in this major or not. I can do it, I keep telling myself I can. And I know that what is killing me is an extreme lack of organization and time management. But it keeps getting harder and harder to do well. It's like I need to change my entire way of being in order to do well. Bad habits are hard to break, but I never thought it would be this hard. Gotta keep trying though. I can't give up. I don't want to throw all my dad's hard work and money down the drain.

I am trying to figure out who to vote for this coming presidential election. I'm thinking of leaning republican. There is so much about the democratic party I am not fond of. The republican party isn't doing all that much better but every democratic candidate is a nim-wit and I don't believe Hilary has had enough leadership experience. She does seem EXTREMELY expensive and a tad too ambitious. She is in the lead though I think, and if she wins well I hope she is a good president. But I don't think withdrawal from Iraq is the way to go. Even if it is a gradual process of five years or more. Some people think that if we leave them alone they will leave us alone. But the truth is, there was no war going on when 9/11 occurred. They won't leave us alone. They are just waiting for the moment some schmuck comes in does exactly what they want us to do. I don't think I'm worldy enough yet to judge. I only know what I'm told and have yet to form my own complete opinion. But I don't feel confident in her, and all the rest of the candidates look like a bunch of old crooks lol. They are after all politicians ;) I'm just trying to figure out which are crooks and which only look like crooks. No one is perfect, we are all human.

LASTLY- Just to vent and make me feel better.

1. NO, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to have more than one girlfriend.
2. NO, young mend DO NOT HAVE TO GO OFF AND FUCK AROUND WITH 18 BILLION GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUNG!!!
3. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT!!!!!!!!

The end. Goodnight peoples, have a good week :)

Identity

Your life is a song you've never heard. From a distance I gaze and you remain mystified. Your purpose hides somewhere in the shade of your eyes. This is somewhere I cannot lead you, but only take your hand and follow. I wish I could relate. What do you desire? What do you hope for and dream of for yourself? Where do you envision your distant tomorrow. Your perception is run by uncertainty, intoxicated by youth and time. Sometimes simplicity is the most complex maze to solve. Which path should you take? The road is vague, you are standing on it but sight is not a gift you've been granted with in this realm. Life is so unpredictable, and that is a frightening reality.

Who do you want to be? I can only encourage you. Here I am, to give you my thoughts and to wish you the best. To give you ideas and stand beside you, whatever direction you choose to take. I wish I could facilitate your struggles, I wish I could protect you from the hardships I know you'll face one day. There is so much I know you fear, such losses you'll face someday. I'll be here every step of the way, to try and help you remember your gains and triumphs. To take your hand and lead you when you've lost sight of the good. To catch you and keep you from staying down when you've fallen. Fight. Keep your efforts burning, don't put the flame out. Fight, there is more to lose than strength. Try, try the best you can. Even when the current steers you further from your most precious endeavors. Fight, to recover and to improve.

I can't quench your thirst for knowledge of the future. I can't impair the plans that time has in store for us. My fears and yours differ greatly but are still so similar. I'm afraid, that you'll never believe me a certainty in your life. I'm afraid, that I won't be armor enough for you, that I won't be a refuge, that you'll deem me a part of you external, incapable of understanding your hurts. But I will try my best, I will fight for you.

I share with you the pain of this distance and the passing of time. We're strong together, for each other. Our fortress rises from our memories and hopes for the future. Don't lose sight of those things, don't let sadness conquer. There's a cold and desolate tundra painful and lonely beyond it. Let our love lift us, for one day our miracle will come true. Our love is our fortress.

Breakable

By: Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mass,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

Blank, is probably the best word for my mood tonight. I really don't know what to write about, but sometimes, letting your mind flow free is a good thing. I've been evaluating the recent moments of my life, and I've come to the conclusion that even though I cry, and I frown, carry a lot of emotional baggage, I am happy.

In everyone's life, there is water under some bridge right? Things they carry along that help make who they are and why they are the way they are right? The bumps along the road that toughen you up. I think I've made peace with my past. My mistakes, my trials and tribulations lol. Yeah, it kind of makes me frustrated knowing that there will be more and that yes, it could be worse, but come what may, I know I can look ahead and walk down the road worry-less.

And then I think about tonight. And for the first time, I'm OK with being by myself. I'm OK. I used to cry when I found myself without anyone to talk to in the night. I was afraid of being lonely. Loneliness used to devour me like the big bad wolf, and I would cry. I'd look through my entire phone book, looking for a friend to call, and when I found no one, I would cry. I don't need to cry tonight though, because I'm not actually "alone." I have someone under the same sky who loves me. More importantly though, I'm OK with the fact that he is spending time with his friend. I've come to realize that there is so much pressure on him. He is so young and new to all of these responsibilities. Spends so much time trying to comply with those responsibilities. I've realized that he needs time for himself, to enjoy and retreat from the stresses of daily life. And me, I'll remember what it's like to turn up the music and dance in front of the mirror. To bump into an acquaintance at the mall and make small talk lol. To play games with my family and let them get to know me again.

I don't have many friends and now I know that I don't need them. I am not even hurt anymore or bothered by the fact that I have never had a sincere guy friend. Hind-sight, helps us grow, makes us wiser. You realize what you should have done, what you shouldn't have, what you didn't see. I get too involved it's true. I carry mine, and everyone else's emotional baggage. But no one has ever stuck up for me like that before, no one has made my problems their's. I'm tired of giving. That's what mom and dad mean when they tell me that they don't need anyone else. They are best friends, and they are all they need. HOLY CRAP, I have that!

I am so glad this month is over. It HAS been rough. I feel different. I feel good about me. I feel good about what I'm doing. I feel good about my life and the people I love.

"It's Either That, Or I Don't Say Anything At All"

I don't know what to say. I was trying really hard to make you see something but you didn't want to hear. I always say, I don't talk just to talk, I say things because they mean something, or at least they do to me. I don't say them to be mean, I don't say them to hurt you. I say them so you could understand where I'm coming from, so you can say where you are coming from and we could reach a happy medium.

I NEED you to talk to me baby. I need you to converse with me. I need to know that I inspire you to share even the smallest things with me. That I inspire you. Yo se que "rarr" es un carinito. I know you are showing me affection when you say that to me. I love it when you do those things baby. But I need you to say more than that. I need to hear about your day, about the things that interest you. About the silly random things you think about. About the games you play. About everything, anything.

Sometimes you talk. You do, I'm not saying you don't at all. But it hurts when you say you have nothing to say to me. It hurts when you tell me that I HAVE to say rarr, or you will hang up the phone. That that is ALL you have to say to me. That you have nothing else to say to me. I am not being mean. I am TRYING to tell you something.

I am guessing tonight you will not call me anymore. I have tried calling you but you won't pick up, probably because you were at work. You don't want to talk to me now at all. I think you're out now though, sigh*

I'm not trying to be mean. And I hate feeling bad when I try to tell you that I need something from you. It's like you refuse to. I wasn't trying to be mean. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

I hope you are OK. I hope you have a good night baby. I love you so much, you don't know how much.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

I need to do homework, for days I've needed to do homework. But for days I haven't. My gosh, I am the laziest person I know. I want to do well this semester I really do, I need some drive. PLEASE GOD, HELP ME GET MOTIVATED!!! I am driving myself nuts here.

What do I have to do right now? I really don't know, cuz the assignments have piled up and I can't think straight, the volume of my to do list is overwhelming. Really it is. So let me just calm down and list it here... So that in years to come, I can just look back at this silly post and remember that IT CAN BE DONE!

-Render 4 pictures
-Math HW and studying
-Chapter 7 in Communication
-Learn 2 and 3rd step in Tai
-A-1 thru B-3 in Sketching Text
-E-mail HW to Ms. Moody
-E-mail absense excuse to Mr. Smith


Ok, so now that I have written it down, I'm through babbling and off to get things done... Before I have a nervous breakdown!!!!!

What Would I be?

What would the ocean be,
If the waves that came to be
Crashed ashore one at a time
Single mountains moving by?

And it's easier to see,
That without you I'm not me,
We've been pushing through,
I've been seeking you...
You've been waiting still for me.

Would the sky be as lively,
If at night but one star shone?
I'll never be at home,
If I don't keep on fighting.

It's ambiguous this loss,
I try to soak you in,
But it comes a time to cross,
Again the road of absence.

Without you what would I be?
I need you so I can breathe,
Hold my hand each time you dream,
Hold my heart and hold my dreams.

3 years ago...

It never fails... Every single time I think of that day, it feels so new. Like it was yesterday. It is crazy, it was just an e-mail. We weren't exactly neighbors anymore, the phone was also out of limit. Blah, you know the entire story, I just love thinking about it! I still get all giggly gosh!

Happy anniversary baby. THREE years and counting. Been through so much but we always stick together, we're always there for each other.

You know when you feel so happy you feel like crying? Maybe not, you're not the emotional girl in this relationship lol... It's like I'm so full of happiness, that it wants to overflow literally-

Three years. The number is so small. But I feel like we've been together forever. Sometimes I think it's because I'd spent so long thinking of what you'd be like, and how I'd know you're the one for me... Maybe I've known you in my heart all my life. Where would I be without you? I'm so lucky to have you. There is no one else like you. I love you.

Since It's Been Mentioned...

Love in my opinion (out of millions) has no real definition... We associate many emotions, affectionate actions, sacrifices, compromises, tolerance, forgiveness and many other things with love... There are rules that we are supposed to follow but aren't always.

I've tried defining this in many conversations with my special someone... But in the end, there is always too much left out and our definitions do tend to differ. And that's perfectly all right. I guess it's different for everyone. Which is why it's impossible for anyone to judge someone else's relationship as being either right or wrong. It's easy to talk when you are referring to someone else right. Another flaw in us humans lol.

My family hasn't seen many broken marriages. They tend to last a lifetime. Mom's parents have been married 54 years, Dad's for 52... Mom and dad are married for 27 years. Uncle Rusty and Nadene have been married for 24. But I think I've seen and learned some things about marriage, I'm not afraid of it, I have a good concept of it. Not saying that they're perfect or anything, cuz they sure as hell aren't... But those years can't lie I think... They must be doing something right. Seeing them gives me something to believe in. Otherwise I'd be in the dark.

I've seen patterns. There is in fact that balance, a negative attracts a positive. Dad's an optimist, Mom suffers from depression. Grandpa is messy, Grandma's a neat freak. Dad's mom is patient, his dad's isn't. Uncle Rusty is passive, Nadene is aggressive. But the one thing I have seen from ALL of them, not one or the other, is a selfless nature. One would give anything for the other. They need each other, and keeping each other happy is the most important thing to them.

I've asked my parents and my grandparents "Who is your number one priority in this world?" Their answers were "Each other... Because one day you leave home, you have kids and you work hard to keep together, and then your kids leave and here we are again alone. In the end we have each other, so we need to take care of each other." They say that having happy children is possible when both of you are happy. When they're not watching arguments, or mom crying or dad leaving the house angry. That you have to start by taking care of yourselves and your relationship because kids do sense when their parents are bitter and upset. I'd expected them to say their children, that's what I told them. They said, that taking yourself is taking care of them. They are a part of you and you need to be OK for them.

Love is more than roses and chocolates and the excitement you feel in the beginning. The years progress and you have to nurture it. Make sure you take the other person into account, after all that person is your other half, your partner, the one who should always have your back. How can you count on someone who won't take you into account? Commitment is more than just staying faithful, but it is responsibility, honesty, and consideration.

It does make me mad, that there are people who are let down by the ones they love. It shouldn't be that way... I think it's OK to be let down once in a while. Nobody is perfect and without the bad times, there wouldn't be any good ones. But love shouldn't be so hard should it? Blind faith implies that one person is there to hold your hand and guide you. You can close your eyes and not be afraid of where you're led to.

------------------------------------

Clouds

Forced to step off the cloud that's been carrying me throughout the years, onto a shiny slick surface, smooth and terrifying... Something new, a change, a threat... Why must I walk here now? Why, risk a break? I never used to look around before, I new every step I took would lead me from cloud to cloud, the hands of heaven beneath my feet.

When did I look down, when did I fall? Been hanging on and slipping off the edge, trying to climb, fighting to re-establish my place in the sky. I didn't know when I chose to walk among the angels that falling would be so easy. That I could fall and shatter beyond my will. I didn't realize that there was such a fine line between pain and paradise. Still something invisible to me keeps me there in constant struggle, believing fiercely that I belong in the sky. Thin ice, a sheet of ice with with jagged edges... I don't want to slip, I don't want to die. I'll reach up as long as there's hope, as long as I'm living... I'll reach up and my angel will catch me. I'll return to bliss again, where the warmth welcomely embraces me, where fear and doubt cannot reach me. Where I am strong and invincible. I'll be home with my angel, and nothing could ever hurt me again.

Time Management

So since time management is getting quite hectic - I figured I'd make a schedule blog... According to all the Interior Design professors I have encountered thus far, keeping a schedule is key to success in this field.

So baby, since we have been having a bit of a hard time dealing with time, I have decided to keep this blog that will tell my work schedule and school schedule... And other such dates. CLICK HERE TO VIEW.

Dark and Twisty

Finally back to posting, as I can see things are really busy with everyone too. So many worries at a time, I feel so overwhelmed now... I can only imagine paying my own bills and having children and a real career and all the crazy shit that comes with all of that. Can I do it? I really hope so. I just didn't realize when I was busy dreaming of my own house, marriage, children, and career, that all of these things come with their own special prices. Still despite the fear of all that responsibility, as crazy as I might be, I look forward to those things.

Every time I think I'm a mature adult, I get to thinking and discover how much growing up I still have left to do. I come to notice that I am not street-smart... That I am very guarded and am more than capable of distinguishing situations that could result in harm to me, but that I have very little malice. I know how to run and I know how to hide, but when the shit hits the fan, my bark is worse than my bite. I'm not saying that there aren't people I'd like to bite, let me admit that, but I am not capable of hurting anyone... Not even if they've hurt me.

I feel so incapable of defending myself. I'd like to be more independent. I'd love to stop hiding behind other people. Maybe Jorge is right. I am not assertive enough. People run over me because I have such a passive attitude. People tell me I'm vulnerable and prone to danger because of my size and inexperience. I never believed it until now. Again, that whole "I'm Invincible" feeling I had once is fading.

I feel so nervous about this semester in school. I want to do so well. I want to pass. Tuition costs went up again. From 2344.00 to around 2533.00... WHAT THE HECK?! So I feel more pressure to do well, but am less confident in myself. I haven't done as well as I'd hoped to in school. I know I can, but when the moment comes, I choke. I feel like I owe sooo much to mom and dad. They've given us so much. They have their flaws, but they are great parents. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I've never been denied anything I've wanted. Cars, school, new floors, pillow-top mattresses, crap I even have my own bathroom. I know sometimes I'm an ingrate... One day I'll be able to give them something in return too.

Mom and dad are such opposites. But for some reason, their relationship works. They love each other. Mom and dad only dated for a year before getting married. Just a year. It amazes me. I had told her that my friend Blanca has been with her boyfriend for over 4 years. She said today in the car, that young couples that have been in relationships for years since HS... Don't last long after marriage. She said that those relationships don't allow for the two involved to learn what's out there. That they find out later on that they've changed and that they're different.

I don't believe that. I have heard more about broken marriages that have been rushed into than broken marriages that took time to form. Actually I've never seen one that has been nurtured and developed and has failed as a marriage. My grandparents had feelings for each other since childhood, and look at them: 54 years. Mom got married to dad right after a divorce. She almost got cold feet the day of their wedding. I may be young but I have met and experienced other people. I've seen others get hurt and have been hurt my good share of times. And yes I do think that that helps us to understand what love is. But I think there are just no real rules for such things. Everyone is different. The success of a relationship depends on a couple's willingness to compromise, stick together, and fight for each other.

I have a positive outlook on life. My heart constantly tells me that no matter what comes my way, everything will be alright. That as long as a person believes that good will come and doesn't give up hoping and has faith, that everything will be alright for them. Even when those hopes are let down. It's strange that I do believe such things, as I am prone to depression, I feel sad a lot of the time, I cry a lot, I worry all the time, I keep to myself and prefer to remain distant from new people. I'm what has been defined as dark and twisty, but in the midst of all my sullen ways, there is much light in me, I glow with faith and hope. And though I may not be fierce and assertive, I'm not afraid to take risks and overcome the things that come my way.

I know I have to stop writing when my thoughts start bouncing in every direction lol, therefore I shall conclude this entry.

Have a great weekend and take care :)

Well I am waiting for some papers to print. I am applying to Starbucks. Hopefully I can make more money there and won't be stalked by 50 year old married men. I hate my current job, I don't fit in and I feel like I need something more fulfilling. Something that feels more official.

It's been so busy this past week. Between renovation, and paperwork, this month has been havoc. I just hope my baby's schooling goes alright. I want to help you in all that I can. I am tired and I have so much to do tonight. *Sigh I wish there was more time.

Filling out this application... Gosh I hope I get hired. PLEASE GOD PLEASE, let them hire me please.

I will keep writing in a sec. Gotta go.

We'll Be Together Again - Frank Sinatra

To My Baby

No tears, no fears,
remember there's always tomorrow
So what if we have to part,
we'll be together again
Your kiss, your smile,
are memories I'll treasure forever
So try thinking with your heart,
we'll be together again
Times when I know you'll be lonesome,
times when I know you'll be sad
Don't let temptation surround you,
don't let the blues make you bad
Someday, someway,
we both have a lifetime before us
For parting is not good-bye,
we'll be together again

Times when I know you'll be lonesome,
And times when I know you'll be sad
but don't let temptation surround you,
don't let the blues make you bad
Someday, someway,
we both have a lifetime before us
For parting is not good-bye,
we'll be together again

7-2-2007

Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Baby! Happy Birthday to you!!!!!

Feliz Feliz en tu dia,
amiguito que dios te bendiga,
que reine la paz en tu dia,
y que cumplas muchos mas!!!!!!!!!

Te estas poniendo viejo,
con cara de conejo!

Te Quiero mucho bebe :) <3

Summer Time

Time

Sunday was such a LOOOOOOOONG day... I feel tired physically, I ache as if I were already 80 lmao. However, I am satisfied with today. I feel different. After disappointing myself, I realized that I was so down, so miserable... because of myself.

I'd spent several nights last week wallowing in nothingness. It all built up inside me and it came out of me in such a negative way. The playback in my mind of my tantrum and bitchyness makes me feel ashamed of myself.

I was jealous. I dealt with my frustration the wrong way. For some reason, after all those nights I spent down, I found it so hard to control the way I felt when something that irked me triggered my offenses. I was such a bitch yesterday. I felt so much that I needed to be heard, like if I was heard then maybe I would get an understanding that would change the course of nights like these in the future. I felt like I lost so much, like I had been robbed of so much time.

But again in retrospect, I remember that we are two different people. That we handle different amounts of stresses and responsibilities each and every day and that we deal with these in different ways. Just because I don't want to hang out with a friend, doesn't mean he doesn't want to. But I feel like that was precious time... I wanted to be with him so bad... I got jealous.

*sigh, what a crappy emotion jealousy huh?

But anyway.... So I have been learning to plan my time. I lose some one day but gain some on other days. I didn't feel like doing much today, usually all I want to do is stay in my room and talk to him ALL DAY LONG hehe. Unfortunately, life does happen lol, and we have other things to do. So I decided that because we need to remove all the carpet from the house by Friday, that I would get ahead and finish my room up, so that there would only be 2 left. On Tuesday I want to be free, nothing to do. I want to spend it with him. Be able to say, no I don't have anything to do or anywhere to go so I will be right here when you have time to call me. All my time is for you today :)

Taking all the carpet in my room took the entire day, but I did it. Also managed clean my room (now I need to tidy it and get rid of any old clothes or knick-knacks I have laying around) and slightly re-decorate it too (I get bored if it is the same for too long.)

I work at 2 today I think... get out at 7:30. I can't wait to talk to you in the morning baby :D I am going to sleep right now so that I wake up when that phone rings. Good night world.

I hope this week brings good things to you.

-midget OWT-

My Heart's Prayer

All I can think of is you. Of how much I miss you and how terribly I wish I were there with you right now, and everyday for that matter. I feel guilty so much of the time, for being here and not there. Missing days and months worth of time I could be spending beside you. People always told me, that part of growing up is the realization that we are not as powerful as we think we are in our childhood or as capable of controlling where we end up or how we get there. There must be something I missed along the way... What is it that I have to do in order to go home?

At times, the amount of regret I carry by my heart swallows me whole. If I could go back in time, I'd do so much different. Then I could justify my actions, and the trust I once broke wouldn't be so broken. I'd be there with you, and you would never be lonely. I wish I could give you so much more than this wait. Other times, I set that regret aside and think of how much I've learned, and that every step I have taken has somehow led me to you and to discover how much I love you. I've said it so many times, I am so thankful for you. I'd never change anything that's happened between you and I.

Sometimes it's so overwhelming. Time is so heavy on my chest. I just pray, every night, through tears and laughter, that I don't stop making you happy. That I can go home to you soon. I ask Him if my need for you is selfish. I pray for you baby, every night... All the time. I pray, and I know He hears me.

-Rain Drops-

It RAINED! Thank heavens it rained! the lack of rain has kept many from watering their lawns, and me from filling up my pool. I hope it rains just a bit more.

Tomorrow grandma is going back to PR... I am sad, because it is only when she is here that my family is relatively normal. She keeps mom in one piece. I will miss her and her grandma jokes (in the past years she has developed a pretty awesome sense of humor!)

I went to see a newly built house today. Beautiful. I want a house of my own so badly. Hardwood cherry floors, 2 stories, 1 master, 2 bedrooms, 2 full bathrooms, 1 guest bathroom, kitchen, dining room, formal dining room, TV room with fireplace, nice front porch, nice back yard, 2 car garage. OMG it was beautiful. I want it!

I took a family relations course this summer, learned so many things and made me think about the things I want.

-I don't want a big house
-Don't want an expensive car, my focus will do just fine
-I want to get married at or after 25
-I don't want to have children immediately...
-I prefer marriage to pre-marital cohabitation
-I still want a Labrador
-I worry about moving far from mom and dad, but I do NOT want to stay in TN
-I don't like it in TN
-I prefer VA's organization and advanced development to the stage of growth TN is under right now, though cost of living is high in VA...
-When I move away from home, I want to visit mom and dad frequently
-I have realized how dangerous the world can be, but do not believe in sheltering myself and hiding from the good things the world has to offer, because of the risks and dangers.
-I am a social person, but prefer to stay at a distance and not feel responsible for people who will not devote themselves to my well-being as much as I would to theirs. (Too many times already)
-I want to grow up, but not lose awe in the good things in life, I want to keep believing that good will overcome evil in the big scheme of things.

Mirror Me

Is there anything new to say? Has this blog been filled with redundancy? Constant repetition? I don't even know. I just know that I have instilled pieces of myself here, and to preserve the essence of my existence, I have but to spill my words onto this keyboard and provide myself a bit of written satisfaction. Reflection to remind myself that I am moving forward, progressing and changing into something more than the lunatic my siblings believe I am... The charity case my mother believes me to be.

What am I? If you could describe me what would you say? What is your honest opinion? What do you see in this mirror of myself I have posted in my entries? This is I hope an adequate portrait of who I am? I've released my sincerest thoughts, worries, hopes and desires here.

So many in my life conceive me in different ways. So which am I? The independent, decisive, intelligent star amidst my siblings? Am I the odd one? A recluse afraid of the world, scarred by my mistakes, in denial afraid to accept that I am not all right and that I need help in order to step out of a shell I've built to protect myself from everyone around me?

Two people who I adore convince me that I am what I want to be. That I am just fine the way I am. That I am beautiful and smart. That just because I am different, I am not strange. That I am perfect the way I am. I'm not crazy. I'm not broken. I'm not tainted. I'm just me. Thank you dad, for knowing me as myself. For knowing that I do bleed when I'm cut. Thank you my baby... Because you know me better than anyone else. You've taken the time to get to know me, to understand me, to listen to me. Thank you for always being there for me.

It does hurt, when I'm judged so harshly. When I try hard, in the only way I can to be loving and supportive... Even to ask for help. It hurts when I'm told I am cold and hard. It's hard sometimes for me to show how I feel, because I get shot down when I try.

I know sometimes I am cold, I know I can be mean. I admit I'm not perfect. I have hurt them too. But it's easier to hide beneath a cap of ice, than to show you when I'm hurt or when I'm sorry. When I've lost.

I meant to write about other things tonight. I don't know how I got started thinking so much about who I am... But what I meant to convey here originally was:

-I am so proud of you baby, you work so hard. Time goes by so slow when I'm far from you... And too quickly when I need to spend some with you. I miss you and I love you, and nothing, not time or distance can change that. I wish I could call you right now lol, this night-time habit of mine has got to stop lol. I have to go to sleep soon. I am going to pick up that phone in the morning if it's the last thing I do haha.

-Happy birthday to Gabriel :) You're growing so fast. I remember when I met you, you were still so tiny, I was able to carry you with one arm all around, all day hehe. You are such a sweet boy.

-Sigh* I think my writing bubble just burst. I will go to sleep now, I'm exhausted. Did some exercise today and I think I broke a rib or something ;) My bones are rusty! Well goodnight, *yawn. I hope you had a great 3 day weekend and that you have a great week too.

Just some pictures

Pancho Villa in a sophisticated doggy coat
Christmas dinner
My random pic of my and my new camera
Me not matching, it's rude to point yadi, and dad in his yellow daddy uniform
How did I end up in that chair? Nice antlers ladies
Roger the elf shield

grandma likes this picture
Pancho Deer and Zuli Darling
Gramps and I

Me digging for lost doggy bone treasures
I miss my room

My first time on the ice

Our Own Sky

Here in the dark,
I held your hand,
Right here we'd been together, we were complete.
I stood among a sea of stars,
You held my hand and took me drifting in dreams.


Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

So many times,
Here side by side,
We've walked above the moon on rivers of lilies,
Somewhere we've built within our hearts,
Vast paradise, still much to discover.

Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

Close you're eyes when you're alone think of me,
I'm always there remember when you're lonely,
Soon we won't have to dream baby, we'll live
Under our own sky,
Someday our own sky...

I feel worn out. Worn down. Home, this place I live in... Is the place where I can least be myself. I feel misplaced, and spoiled and selfish at the same time. I can't say anything anymore, not my opinion, not a question... Nothing, because I make things worse with my mother... My poor sick mother... My poor sick mother. I don't know anything anymore, about her. About what to say to her, or how to get close to her, or how to please her. I feel so confused. I am so confused about what I'm supposed to do or be when I'm here... in this place I live in. And I know I should not try to change me for anyone... I feel so alone here.

I have said so many times, in this house.... I want to go home. Baby, I miss you so much. I am sorry I have been so grouchy, tempermental... That's the last thing I want to be like with you. I feel so messed up. Uprooted. I miss you so much. I wish you were awake.

I keep asking God for help... What is it that I'm doing so wrong? What is it I'm not seeing, that I feel like an outsider in my own house?

I hope you don't feel so lonely anymore, like before. I know I'm not there with you all the time. I know I can't hold you and I don't always pick up the phone. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could always be there.

I need you so much. I love you baby, so much.

:) Another Pretty Silver One

Thank you so much Vani and D. for helping Mike get his car :)

5-5-07

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAILEY :)
FROM: ME <3>

Small Gallery

Diaries Are Meant For Dumping Out What's Within. :)

Of course I can't sleep. I slept like a crazy woman last night.

So can you guess? I am pensive once again.

Now is my time, to look around. To look in the mirror of my life.

Mom's in PR... I think a lot about her now. She has been gone a week, and will be gone for much longer. I know daddy is lonely. I'm not the only one missing the person I love.

I failed. I failed every class but one. I'm not terribly upset this time though. I know I let frustrations bring me down. I gave up, for the first time in my life. And I think I needed the break. I know that this summer, I'll do great. I know that the 18 credits in the fall will be a piece of cake if I bring my old self back. I'm the kind of person who never had to study to pass. But when I do study, I do a hell of a job. I am capable I know, and that's why I'm not upset. Because I didn't fail because I'm dumb... but because I didn't try. I'm not falling behind or anything. I am just so sorry mom and dad, because that money came out of your pockets. I'm sorry. I promise I will do better now.

I've gained weight from working at that blasted restaraunt. But I'll get to fixing that too. I wonder when I got such a huge apetite sheesh, I eat like a man lol.

I do, I have so many bad habits. But step by step, little by little, I'll change that. I'll do better, for me. So I don't go crazy with my grades or with my messy room lol. So I make mom and dad proud. So I make my baby proud. So I can feel proud of myself too.

But I'm not complaining about myself right now, despite what this post may seem. I stopped for a secomd and asked myself "are you happy?" And yes, for the first time since I've been in this dreaded state, I am happy. I am happy where I am in life right now. I know that right now, I have to be here at home. That despite the distance, I have the love of an angel. I know that everything will be alright. Someday, my dreams will come true, all of them. Someday we'll be together and everything I'm working so hard for right now will pay off.

Life Life to the Fullest

Ok I am pissed now... What the hell is wrong with people. Yesterday, so many people died because of some mad man's stupidity...

The following are emails sent to all University of Tennessee students this morning:


Date:
04/17/07 09:10 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] IMPORTANT: Engineering Building and Race/Founders buildings evacuated
Attachments:

Campus Police and City of Chattanooga Police Bomb Squad have responded to phoned-in threats at the Engineering Building and the Hooper-Race-Founders buildings. These buildings are being evacuated. More information will be made available as soon as I can.


Date:
04/17/07 09:56 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] More information about the building evacuations
Attachments:

Bomb threats were called in to two offices earlier today. As a result of these calls, the Engineering, Computer Science, and Mathematics Building (EMCS) and Race and Founders Halls (Hooper Hall is already closed for renovations).At this time, the UTC Campus Police and the Chattanooga City Police are scanning the buildings. Nothing suspicious have been found at this point. Once the scans are complete and everything is found to be clear, the buildings will be reopened and classes and operations in these sites will continue.Classes and operations resume in all other buildings, and we hope to return these buildings to service as soon as possible.I will share more information with you as it comes to me.


Date:
04/17/07 10:31 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] Update: EMCS has been cleared
Attachments:

I am sending this for Chuck Cantrell. The EMCS building has been cleared and will be reopen soon.
--Charity


Date:
04/17/07 11:47 am
Subject:
[UTC-MEMO] Updated on this morning's situation
Attachments:

This morning's situation is still under police investigation, but I can report that all of the buildings that were evacuated this morning have been thoroughly scanned by police and reopened. Classes and administrative operations have resumed.A bomb threat was called in earlier today to an office in the Engineering, Computer Science and Mathematics Building and the caller referenced our Graduate School. Based on this call, Campus Police evacuated both buildings.The police and bomb squad scans of the buildings found nothing suspicious. Thank you for your patience and cooperation during this time of stress and confusion.

What kind of crap is this? It's sickening. But it makes me think... anything can happen. And you never know if today is last you'll see... Live life to the fullest...

I Can't Say In Words How much, or Why I love you... But you can read this, and everything I do... And hopefully you'll know the answers someday.

How many people feel that the person who loves them, and who they love... saved their lives? Rescued them from something that had killed their spirit, or nearly ended their lives?

I think all the time... Maybe too much. I think about my life, and how it's changed over and over again... Sometimes for the better and others not so much. I think about the way I am and why I am that way.

It's amazing, love I mean. The first time you say those three words to anyone, my gosh, it's so easy to believe you mean it. It's so easy to imagine good things and to let yourself go with childish illusions because of a lack of malice and wisdom. A rough moment and then it's so easy to despise that same person you only "said"those words to.

It's indescribeable though, the first time you say those three words to one person... and mean it with everything in your soul and your heart. To love someone because you DO love them... Not because you love the thought of loving them... Am I confusing you?

I think about my life before you... It's true, I felt like I had nothing to live for. I was broken, and down. I was wounded, and nothing was ever going to bring me out of it. I was worth nothing, atleast I didn't think so.

And for some reason, I don't quite know... A call a day, your voice on that phone. I looked forward to something, a bit of light to help me forget for a while what I'd been through, and how alone I felt. You became what I looked forward to each day. And I didn't know why, and "love" was not quite yet something I had in mind... But you made me feel alive again. I saw you like an angel, there to show me that I'm not alone, and that I do matter.

Dramatic right? I mean all was not lost. I had my family and life. No friends though, not real ones. No one to trust or who'd understand me or who'd even listen.

And we started growing together. Sharing more and more, bonding. A bond that grows stronger as we grow together.

You mended me baby, it's true. But I'm not broken anymore. I'm not weak. You've helped me see that I am worthy of respect, and honesty, and devotion. You've helped me see that I can pick myself up now when I fall, regardless what caused me to. And now I can be strong for you too, I am strong for you as I am for me. I can be there for you when you need me now, in a way I could not when I was broken.

I can't say I'm perfect, at times sadness and pain do bring me down. I do breakdown... Don't we all? I do need you baby, I need you every second of my life. But not to keep me from breaking, or falling. Not just for support. But because I need to share my life with you and love you and I need your love too.

Life. When I say life, I mean that thing we do everyday regardless of how we feel or of how much we don't feel like it anymore.

Living. That's what I call it when you can trully enjoy and embrace that which I defined above, life. When you can't ask for more, you have all you've ever dreamt of. You bring me joy baby, laughter, healing, peace, warmth. You are all that is good in my life.

Easter 07

Our Chocolate Bunny by our Easter Lily and our other plant whose species I know not lol... We haven't given it butt or ear reduction yet lol.

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,,Middle right- My wannabe pepsi egg and rabbit egg>>
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So we tried something new today... The pictures above are symbols of the results. First we had a HUGE breakfast... Pancakes, eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast... Yeah, I ate all of that hehe. Then we had lunch. My favorite, pork chops, mofongo (really good, made of plantains), white rice. And we played a game.

An Easter Egg Hunt.
We had a raffle. Drew out an assigned name and color for the person. Each of us hid 6 eggs. Different colors for each person.
-I drew green, so I hid eggs from Jorge.
-He got orange, so he hid eggs from me.
-Mom got yellow, she hid them from Yadi.
-Yadi got blue, she hid them from dad.
-Dad got pink, so he hid them from mom.

It was pretty fun actually. I've eaten more peanut butter cups than I could handle lol.

It was nice to spend time with the family, been a while. Since my birthday I think.

I also cleaned out my fountain, lit a candle, and sat and prayed for a little while, since I didn't get to go to church. Easter isn't just about candy you know ;)

I hope you guys had a great easter weekend. :) Cuidense mucho! Muah!