Counting Weeks

Because I keep losing track of the amount of weeks I've been pregnant (by now I feel 72 weeks pregnant lol)

I made this little thingy, based on my first ultrasound.

Take 2

Nesting?

Above you can see my improvisation of a nursery in the apartment. It is in progress. Before the baby's born it will be complete and beautiful. Just publishing for the record my funny prototype ;)

{I think my nesting instinct is getting the best of me LOL}

Hello Month of Love

It's February 1st. After a nice farewell to January, I find myself melancholy and anxious for the good news of our baby's birth.

Last year, this month marked the end of my family as I'd known it for 21 years. This year, who knows...

We let go of Juno today. It's relieving to know she is with family, I know she will be well cared for and loved. Already I saw how good you were to her. It made me feel like maybe we were supposed to get her so she'd meet you. Like she's supposed to be with you.

But at the same time, I keep remembering the last time she looked at me with her little puppy eyes. The expression on her face made my heart hurt. Because my baby girl is far away now, with a new mommy. I will no longer get home and hear her tail wagging on the wall. Or hear her bark as I walk up the stairs into the apartment. She won't hug me as we walk, or put her paw on me as I rub her chest...

This is how I know I love that dog... Because I let her go. Another lesson in growing up.

Today I also say good bye to my Great Aunt... She was older than time I thought. She's been around so long I thought she'd never die... It was so unexpected for me. I haven't seen her in half a decade. But I remember growing up with her. How she called me her "negrita" and offered me coffee and cake. How she'd hug me and I'd always leave her house with 20 dollars, she said "so you can get yourself something nice and remember that I love you."

I didn't get to say good bye. She wasn't feeling well. I just hope that in heaven she is feeling better. Wearing her spanish dresses with fancy heals in all her glory. Maybe one day I'll see her again.

I'm just emotionally drained. Sad, but happy. I know everything is ok.

I was happy to see how happy my baby was too. We need to visit more often, I know he gets home sick. It was nice to see you guys laughing together, taking a break from daily life. Got lots of great pics in Mrs. I-Phone Terrazas, so I'll snag it in a while and post em :)

Anywho, just reflecting. Venting theraputically.

Good night.

A Plea to You

I'm still feeling tense... But baby, I want you to know all that I feel and think and I need you to talk to me too. Because I remember that we've always been able to talk through here, through words typed or written. It's much easier to choose words carefully and say what you actually mean this way. And I know at times that it is hard for you to voice your feelings as well.

Things with us have gone at lightning speed. We are young, we are still growing up. I've seen that it is very hard at times for you to adjust to a hectic schedule at work. That we've never really had the time to enjoy each other the way others do when they are near and date and have time to grow before embarking on the journey to adulthood. But time is insufficient now, and we have a child to raise now. We need to be responsible now.

We're having this baby, and I couldn't be happier. I know that you will be an amazing father and that you will love our baby with all your heart. But each day I think about how young I am.

About how if I had been more mature, I would have thought carefully about what I really have to offer a child and what I want to offer. Our baby will have everything he/she needs. Clothes, food, shelter and love. All the essentials. And I know that it will not bother me in the least to work crazy long hours in order to give the baby everything I had and more.

But each day I'm home waiting for you. Trying to fix our home so that you will know that I care, that I want you to see I can be a good wife to you. I'm not the best house wife. Hell, I can be really lazy. So I try.

I want you to come home and smell nice scents, and see food on the table. I want you to be able to relax when you get home because I know that working full time is hard. If it were just you and me, I could live there forever. I could live with you in a box and I'd be happy as I could ever be. All I ever wanted was to be with you. I prayed for this for years. I know you love me, because you came here away from everything you love and know for me.

I know it's hard for you when you know a birthday went by and you weren't there. When you know that you have a new brother and he won't know you for a while.

But everything I'm suggesting for us will lead us there one day baby. I don't want to be in Tennessee forever. I hate this place too. It's boring and doesn't offer much. Except for nice people and an inexpensive environment.

Everything baby, that I will do now, will be for our baby. For our family. I will bust my ass to ensure that we are settled enough to provide for ourselves and our baby. Everything I am doing right now, will lead us close to home. So we can share with our families. Just trust me baby. There is nothing in my life I haven't been able to accomplish when I set my mind to it.

We need to be on the same page though, because I'm not the only person in this marriage.

I asked mom for this huge favor. I asked her to let us back in after we gave her such a bad attitude. Not just you but me. I basically told her to fuck off when we moved. And still she was there helping us settle in. Gracious enough to give us plenty of furniture and essentials we needed so we'd be OK.

I'm asking to move back in because I know for a fact that we won't save a penny where we are now. Should anything happen with you at work baby, we will be OK with her. I know she is a pain in the ass baby. She is very opinionated and I know the way she handles things can drive you up the wall.

But baby, she has tried to give you and I as much as she could to help us. She doesn't have much, but what she does have she shares with us. She is offering an opportunity.

We can save money baby. So far we haven't been able to offer our baby anything. We can't even afford to get you taken care of at the doctor. We can do all the things we need to baby, we can pay for you to be treated. We can save for our baby. I can go to school. We can start over and establish ourselves enough to move to VA in a couple of years baby.

I don't want to keep you far away from your family. I know you miss them very much, as I would if I had left. But I know that we can do this baby. Just give me the opportunity to show you that things aren't the same as before. Circumstances aren't the same as before.

Remember what was happening before baby. Mom was just left broken hearted. We were leaving messes all over the place. I was working double shifts everyday and I was too tired to care. Things have gotten better. Mom is settled down, dad is in his own place. Jorge and mom can help us with the baby.

I know you don't want to cut the grass on your off day. I know you don't want to hear lectures. But the grass doesn't need cutting every single day. Jorge lives here too. He can cut the grass too. I will keep our space clean. I'm not working anymore.

Give me the opportunity to spend time with our baby before going back to work. Talk to us when something bothers you. You need to talk.

I feel like I'm repeating myself here. I'm just really stressing now. Either way, we will need to make sacrifices either way. Just let me know what your thoughts are. Talk to me please.

Dreams As They Evolve

How many years ago now, did you meet her? Untarnished and full of life and dreams. Bold and beautiful in the ignorance of her youth.

Was it really me? Again in the mirror I gaze. I realize as each chapter breezes by I change and look back noting a different reflection of myself as time progresses.

And I can only remember as far back as you. When I met you. Who and how I was when I met you.

Smiling and carefree. Looking for a place for myself in the world. Looking ahead to who I wanted to be, where and doing what. Not knowing that in front of me stood the love of my life.

I always had a complex of some sort, I was never good enough in some way. But at the time, it wasn't hard to look into the eyes of those around me and see that I was gorgeous. And I was content in shallow ways to know that I was beautiful.

We grew nearby one another. You in your world, and I in mine. Your world to me yet remains a mystery. What, at the time were your ambitions, your endeavors or pains? To this day I do not know. And still it doesn't matter, though sometimes I wonder. There are many things I don't know about you still. I've always maintained a highly spirited sense of curiosity. I wanted and still want to know all about you.

I wasn't very deep at all at the time. My life still governed by the demands of my parents and the laws of the adult world. I could only impersonate the characteristics of an adult. In those times, instinctively as any juvenile, I searched for love. I dreamed of prince charming and the dress and the home and the family that seemed decades away.

So I discovered my charms, perhaps not as quickly as my other friends had a year or two before me. I learned to open doors and take the things I wanted while never giving anything back to repay the favors. I learned that men of that age were easy to manipulate. A little tear here, a giggle, some smart and witty remark that would spark a brief moment of attention.

Slowly and little by little you crept your way into my heart. A memory here and there. That one boy whose attention was just a bit harder to grasp. I couldn't see very much of you for a long time, and one day you opened up and allowed me to read more pages in your story. We shared our stories. Many stories. Some stories that I would never have shared with anyone else. That's sacred I think. Sharing something only with you.

And I revert back into my reflection today and know what you meant when I hurt you.

Sharing only with you. Still I know the only person I share pages with is you. No one has never and can never take that from you.

And this is how I know I'm tarnished. Am I still the girl you met that day? I'm not.

There are pieces of my heart so scarred by things that may seem to you minute. That at times make me fear that I will lose you yet again. I just can't change the fact that it's there in our story. I talk about it sometimes and I think you may be sick of it by now. Hearing the same things from me over and over. But the stories, of those times seem so incomplete to me. Just when I think I know what happened some ghost reveals itself to me and I encounter more painful details that I was oblivious to. And it's different not knowing all that happened during these moments when you were without me that not knowing what happened before me.

And the world around me shifts as well. All that I knew is unknown now. So many things have changed as I've grown.

I could say each day that I'm sorry. That I understand now that my actions reciprocated what I deserved. I felt outside myself... But I know that in the world that I'm in that doesn't matter. I always wanted to be perfect for you. Your eyes at one time didn't see me this way. And I know you too have changed. There is a place in my heart that hurts and this time it was my fault. I never want to hurt you in any way. Hurting you hurts me so.

I reread my reflection and feel my heart pounding in my chest heavily. I was once so bright and though I'm not engulfed in darkness yet, I see where time brought to me dim moments and I wish I can be again so bright.

My dreamed of decade is here. You've given me everything I ever dreamed of. My prince, my home, and a family of our own. Now my only wish is to never lose my dream.

I never want to lose you the way I've seen others lose their dreams. I wish I could express to you how desperately I wish this. Is this light in my womb ours if you are no longer with me one day?

I am not the girl I was. I've changed and I lost motivation. But I'm going to make this promise, I will be the best me I can be. Not only for our baby, but for you. One day our little one will make a home of his or her own. And I want to be the best me I can be so you're not afraid to be alone with me again. So you don't dread the shadowy remains of someone you once loved.

2010

Here goes another year. It's been a long year, full of good times and hard times... Nothing more and nothing less can be expected from each coming year. But one can hope for me good than bad.

This is the time of the year when many people reflect on the occurrences of the past year... And it's been a long year. Did I already say that? LOL.

My baby came to be with me. My dad left... My sister found a love. My brother left one behind. After tomorrow our baby's year will begin. I've gotten to know my new family, I even won the affection of the babies :)

And I dig much deeper into these things and even more. I'm sad that through this year much remained unresolved. That my mom and dad are alone. That I couldn't make it all go away. I think that has been the most painful thing for me... The pain I know mom is feeling, and the gut feeling that some day dad will regret his decision.

I used to cry all the time. I want to cry even now. But I know there is nothing I can do. I will end this year conflicted and angry that this happened. Because it made me doubt things that I believed in passionately. Left and right I saw so many who left or were left by their loved one... And yet there they remained, mom and dad and grandma and grandpa together. So effortlessly bound in love. And now it's only grandma and grandpa that remain, and I fear at times that because they are from another era, there is no one else that could be like them. 57 years.

Here we are now at our 5th month. I was petrified at first and I'd never been before. But I love Mike with all my heart and I will remain true to that for as long as I live. I pray every day that we aren't like all the others. That we're not plagued by divorce as so many others have been.

And here comes our little one. I feel this baby kicking everyday stronger... Sometimes I'm scared I won't be a good mom. The kicks at times are foreign to me. All I know right now is that someone's renting a space inside me and I don't even know who they are... I know that I love this person very much... So much it scares me. Because one day this person will depend on me, and later go into the world with all the resources I've provided. I just hope I can provide enough as a mother.

I look forward to 2010. To mom and dad finally coming to a happy medium in their divorce and carrying on. To Yadi possibly progressing with Lenny. To Jorge succeeding in those crazy dreams he's pursued with determination. To getting to know my new family. To growing with Mike. To meeting our baby.

So here's my farewell to 2009 and my warm welcome to 2010.

Responsibilites

Sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed. Between making sure I'm doing what I have to do at home, keeping my job, and getting back in gear for school... AAH!! It's such a short list, but the things I do seem immensely large.

I guess I'm playing hard ball now at work. I hope I don't lose my job. Ever since I took the lead position, I'm very wary of who I make friends with. I noticed how jealous Carlos is of me. He hired me with Oscar initially. At the time, he was the only supervisor. He is 31 and has 3 kids. You can tell when he speaks that he isn't very smart. Imagine the shock he felt when 3 months after I start working there I replace him as Lead Super... Someone at work told me he cried the day it happened. But I do notice snippy comments from him. I notice how insecure he is about his job. No one in the company really likes him. His forte lies in excel spreadsheets. The other day I out did him on one... And I'm a beginner. I guess he felt cornered. I showed him my spreadsheet and he tried to make changes. I said very nicely "no no no, wait wait wait wait." Somehow this compelled him to slam his fists on the desk and storm to his cube and shout at me "If you had just shut the hell up!" At this point, I was angry and the only thing I could say was "How dare you!? Don't you dare start that with me now, sit down!" I called my manager and instead of handling this accordingly, he calls Carlos behind my back and tells him a mere, "don't do that again" and lets him off the hook because he admitted to what he did (though he only admitted it because everyone saw him do it.) This further pissed me off. So I called the company CEO and told him. Today I wrote Carlos up. I saw the anger in his face. He looked like he was going to cry. But these men need to know that just because I'm young, and a girl that they can't just brush me off like I don't matter. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I have a couple of new enemies at work. Oh well. I do my job and I do it well. As long as I do that, I should be fine. I just paid for our school books.

I really need the reimbursement from our grant. I am REALLY tight with money now. Just thinking about it makes me panic. I mean I know I will be fine. I just don't like to feel like I'm in a tight spot. Rent is due tomorrow and I just paid our books. UGH... I have to do groceries on Thursday. Let me just stop thinking about it.

This makes me wonder though. I fired a lady today. She was receiving government assistance. She got free cab rides and everything. But she was one of those people who thrive off of their unfortunate circumstances. She constantly asked for money and free give-aways. Her boyfriend doesn't work... He just took her 2 and 5 year old daughters to the stop sign of a 4 lane intersection and held up a sign in the hot sun that said he was unemployed and needed help. How can you exploit your children like that.. Get a damn job! If I can do it, so can you! Her 2 year old was wearing the same clothes for a week... They had lice...

My gosh,, if I had kids, I would do anything and everything to keep them living well so they wouldn't be missing anything. I'm waiting for Mike to get out of class. I got out at 6:45 but I thought I'd wait for him to get out. I miss him during the day. It's nice to know he is so close. There is so much to write about... But this keyboard is making my fingers hurt. I guess I'm used to the laptop keyboard. Well, that's a wrap!

G'night pplz <3>

Z.L.T.

I miss my blog ever so dearly. With the hustle and bustle of everyday life and responsibility little things like this are overlooked.

I miss writing about things, like the fact that our dog ignores me when I talk to him. That Mike talks and the dog goes nuts, and brings him his favorite toys... YOU DUMB DOG, I raised your ass! You slept on my pillow for months! You went everywhere with me until you got huge! Little ingrate!

LOL - It's cute though, how he idolizes Mike.

I have the day off tomorrow <> I realize that most of the time when I have a day off I don't even know what to do with that time off. Except when I'm miles away at a beautiful beach.

There's the usual on my mind... I worry a lot about Mike. I could tell him this in a conversation, but he'd just look at me like I were over-complicating life... Like I'm worrying over nothing and think too much. That's what he always tells me, that I think too much.

Sometimes I know he has things on his mind and asking him to tell me about them is like pulling teeth with no anesthetics... (Surgery with no anesthesia... I'm beginning to subconsciously pick up on this crazy music LOL.

It's growing on me... That music I mean. I'm kind of getting excited about that concert in November. I prefer Mastodon over Dethklok though.

I'm learning to cook all kinds of fun stuff now. I made my first beef stew a month ago... The day before yesterday I made pot roast. Surprisingly, nothing so far tastes bad. And I haven't succumb to the cook book yet lol.

Mike learned to make some good shiznits too... Breaded chicken breast - mmmmm. He made that so yummy. With white rice and fries. But maybe I should stop thinking about food for now... Seeing as though it's 10:31pm and my metabolism runs at half a mile per millennium.

I think I'll go to bed in a little while. After watching Mike play Dynasty Warriors for a while and he surrenders to the sweet comfort of our down comforter.

Good night, and sweet dreams.

Z.L.T.

Together

"Together"

The Fray

As the spring in its bloom, the summer stars and the moon
Come and dance with me my love, and we will be one.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you.

As the leaves and the trees, the oceans celebrate you and me.
We will live to see many days, and we will dream, we'll dream.

We go together,
I promise forever,
Everyday together,
I live with you