Disheartened

Gently the wind blows through blades of dark grass dazzled by a glimmer of moonlight,
The city below, once gem-like and radiant, glowing bleak and dim, nearly lifeless...
There on the hill she sits, thoughtless, idle, wishing for nothing more, hoping she can lay there in that moment forever, effortless and unmotivated. The darkness permeates her soul and despair flows freely from her eyes. At times, even the most bright and heartened can fall victim to gloom and sorrow.

What's For Dinner?!

I need to lose 40 lbs... (As previously mentioned.) So in honor of culinary inspiration, I'm writing here a few dishes I am going to put to the test.

-Chicken Caesar Wraps
-Papas (hervidas) al ajillo w/ turkey breast
-Lean honey baked ham in a cobb salad
-Baked potato w/ broccoli, cheeze and lean ham... (not fond of turkey)
-Whole wheat spaghetti al ajillo
-Lemon Pepper rotisserie chicken w/ green bean salad
-Tossed salad
-Fruit bowl (apples & grapes) with honey over them
-Mofongo (delicious Puerto Rican dish made with plantains) and chicken breast sauteed in onions


UM - what else is there that isn't greasy??? I'm aiming more for smaller portions than eating leaves like a rabbit haha. I eat too much. I lost one pound so far.....................

Jumble

I'm happy and at the same time a bit sad. I know things will get better now, I know I'm not in a cage anymore, and I can live my life and include mom and EVEN dad in it. I'm a person again. A little strange to my life, but rebuilding the more extrovert side of me.

There's so much happening all at once. Play time is over and I need to buckle down on my last summer course, so I can get that A. Need to head over to my other school and register for the fall. I wanna see about a job too, maybe I can help you out baby so you don't have to screw up your car and get another job. Not to mention, the $300 dad gives me each month isn't making the cut anymore, with gas prices going up. I'm still adjusting to not having you here anymore. Every time you leave I feel all funky and confused, like I don't know what to do next.

Now I'm thinking that my problems aren't just springing from my family life. I'm still screwed up about other things. I know it's been a long time baby. I know it would be nice for me to forget. But it's so hard. It feels like I'm cursed. Men scare me. It was 4 years... Why can't I forget? I remember after it all happened, that kind of guy didn't stop coming Tom, Fred, that weird old guy I was serving food at work. I think I'm traumatized. I know I should see my therapist, talk about it. But I can't. It's too hard. I don't think I can. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore now either.....

I read C's blog this morning too. I'm so glad you got to talk to her. I think your mom is going to be ok. My mom went through this process too, and today I can say I have a mom. I've finally seen her the way she is. I have a mom and it feels good. I remember when she first started on meds, it took a while to find the right one. Sometimes she was out of it, others pacing and high strung. And this year, I finally see her. She understands me, listens. She is trying her best. She isn't crazy. I can't wait for you all to see that day. You're right, the best thing you can do is be strong for her, and take care of yourselves. Try and remember that she is ok :) I'm still praying for you all.

Well I think I've exhausted my writing limit for today. I currently look like a banshee lol, with my hair all sorts of wack and dark circles under my eyes haha... Gonna eat lunch soon. (I forgot it is saturday)

Laterz! Take Care <3

Itinerary

First- I felt like posting a picture of that bear! I sleep with it and it's almost like a pillow lol. ----------------------------->

I haven't seen my psychologist in weeks. I don't feel the need either. I'm getting by alright, even though there is the rare occasion in which I feel down. What else is there to talk about really? Maybe I should go one more time, ask her if she evaluates me as rehabilitated lol. I think I've got shell shock. Like it hasn't really kicked in that all is well. That mom and dad have a human side. I'm still adjusting I guess.

I'm so excited about Monday. I've started planning all these possible things to do so we don't get bored, nor do we stick the the computer screen the whole time you guys are over here. Thinking about a bbq, preparing a fancy dinner, finding a place in which to play pool, bowling, movies, horses, etc. I know we are poor though so I'm trying to think of inexpensive things to do. We probably won't get to do much anyway, because Jason is a pain in the ass, and boys are so laid back and "whatever" lol.

OOh my tummy hurts right now. I am going to eat breakfast, nag myself to do that rather than a certain other person ;)

Take care peepz!

what happened to me?! LOL

Soooo... I AM FAT! I've been dieting for a few weeks and I have only lost one pound. My face is round. I have rolls. 2 chins... Gruesome right???

:( good bye peanut butter cookies, and cookies all together. Good bye cake. Ice cream. :(

I've come to the point in my life where everything I eat turns into belly marshmallows... I guess this is the way its gonna be until I die lol. Hello discipline. Sigh.

Random Moment

This is me paying my last respects to my former car. I miss it sooo much!!! I miss paying 30 bucks for gasoline, and parking easilly... I miss not having to climb into my car as if it were a mountain lol. *Sigh, my first car, it went down the toilet... R.I.P. Focus.

The Sun Hasn't Shone Yet Today

Gotta go to school in a few. Long night last night, bad dream, woke up irritated. Feel like being alone for just a few hours. The irritability isn't subsiding... actually its elevating.

Maybe I do take things too lightly. Maybe some things don't have solutions. I've never been one to look at the dim side. And somehow I feel forced to and it brings me down. Still I can't let go of the notion that there isn't anything I can't do. I can't let go of the thought that nothing ever resolves if no one is willing to talk about things or listen.

I feel so blah right now. I've always said the way I feel, the things I think. Lately I'm just afraid to say any of it. The effects of my verbalization bring about consequences I can't readily deal with. It ends in passive aggression and sweeping under the rug. That's just not my style.

Maybe I should just subdue my instincts and allow each day to play out on its own.

July 4th - Independence Day-

Thank you God. It took me 4 years, 4 years to break free. And I have. Everything will fall into place now. Everything will be ok. I told mom and dad that there is someone. And that it is you.

They smiled. They said they like you, they'd rather it be you than anyone else.