Missing my Childhood

Ok, so today started kinda blah. Its progressing and turning out ok tho. I overslept again for the second day in a row. Missed my first period class and got to my second class 4 minutes late. I actually found parking tho. Got home, flushed my favorite mood ring down the toilet. :'( I cant believe it, I LOVED THAT RING. So I called my baby, he was helping me out with some comp shit, and then AGAIN, went bai bai... He is lucky... He found "friends". I spend my time closing people out of my life. I want to go outside and play, I want to hang out and do all those things I loved doing. I barely have friends tho, and the ones I have dont go outside and play, instead they go have coffee together or study. They dont play baseball with their friends, not soccer or football. I miss having friends, the kind my age that I can relate to. :S I guess Im being forced to grow up too soon. Im a teenager, in a more adult world. I feel out of place and alone. I feel kinda sad, but... I guess there is nothing I can do about it. I cant relate to the people that surround me.

I wish he was still here, I could see him all the time. Im in my backyard right now, sittin on the deck, it is a beautiful day. I have no one to share it with. I wish I was a child again. For almost a year now, my life has been lived in my room, on the phone, online. Rarely do I see him, but I feel alive again when I do. I feel my age, and I love the way he makes me feel. You dont know what you have until you lose it. I know what that feels like now.

I wish I were older. Then Id be freer than I ever was. I know Id still miss being a child, but Id be rid of this prison which I am being forced to call home. Of course Id have to pay bills and work. But those are things Im willing to do. I wonder what being married is like. Its not bliss like every little girl thinks it will be. Its something you have to work at. A wonderful honey moon, "color de rosa" and then life strikes back and you gotta face reality. Work, come home tired to cook, clean, and spend time with your one and only. Have kids. It sounds like such hard work, but... Id love to do it all. The one thing I want to do most of all, get married happily and in love and start a family.

*Sigh... Im getting cold, my flip flops arent helping me... Im goin inside, washing dishes, doing homework, exercise... Waiting for my baby. Got alot to do. Talk to ya later.

I love you baby.

WHAT DO I DO?!!?!?!?! :'( :s :-/

two weeks ago, I weighed between 122 lbs to 125... This week, I weight 130-133...

This kinda made me panic and I felt the urge to do something I havent done in a long while. I dont feel good about it, but I feel worse about my weight. My entire family is obese. My mother, father, sister, my brother.... I have been the thinnest one of us for always. Obesity runs in my genes and I refuse to let myself be that way at all costs. I dont know what else to do. It worked last year, I dont want to do it now but I dont know what else to do. I have been on diets, I dont ever find time for exercise. what else am i to do?

2 sentence post, LOL

I guess he is shopping with his dad. My cell phone battery is dead, I figure we cant talk long anyway, so I will call him later.

Once again, I cant sleep

I cant sleep. What a crumby easter. Nothing to do.

On another note, I spent the entire day thinking of him and sitting by the phone. I just missed him thats all. :) Im not used to not talking to him for long periods of time, so i did what he does. I invited myself into the gaming world and played a little Sunshine. ;) I wrote something in a post that I would like to correct... in "A Vow To Us" I wrote, " i refuse to hurt him, even less, LOSE HIM." The last thing id ever want to do is hurt him, so even if that means losing him i dont care. :D

Random stuff I just wrote.

I long to touch you, but there's a wall between us and i can never get through; the door is locked and only time has the key to opening it. I long to see you, but it seems that distance has blinded these eyes and there's nothing I can do but wait. I long to hold you, but my arms cant reach you at this distance. I long to soothe you, but your pain beats my strongest efforts and I cant. I long to love you, this is the one thing I can do, there by you or far away. Today, tomorrow, everyday.

SuN 3~27~2()()5

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE! ~ (I saw this commercial that made me wonder why the easter BUNNY gives out EGGS... Bunnies can't lay eggs so... how did those two come together???) ^o)

Happy Anniversaree baby! #7 now... hehe, past 6 and onto 9 ;) lol. Lets keep this goin! These have been the best days Ive ever had. THANK YOU :D! MUAH. xoxo... BESOTES, ABRAZOTES! <3 I LOVE YOU

:D He Is My Smile :)

I know he loves me. There are nice ways and difficult ways of showing you love and care about someone. Im not celebrating our first fight, but... In a way, it kind of reassured me. I know he cares. If it bothered him, he cares. Maybe I was too sensitive, but I kinda got scared. I mean, I hate to imagine losing him again. It terrifies me.

A person might think that a perfect relationship is one like we had before ever fighting. 7 months almost and no fights. But a perfect relationship is an unpredictable one with flaws. It keeps ya strong and always conscious of the fact that you cant take ur other half for granted. Im not saying that its a good thing to fight all the time, because if that's the case, there is definately something wrong.

I get jealous too, all the time. ALL THE TIME, hahaha, but of the past that could have been mine, but then... his future is for me. that makes me smile. :)

I think Im even happier than I was before now. Mi bebe me kiere :D ... That's all I need to keep me going. :) Im so lucky to have him, hehe...

<3 Te Amo mi nino. <3

Thoughts Derived By Thinking Time and Art

Just finished doing some painting for my art class. I love the way its turning out. I (aka Loni) have a B+ in my class, a 4 credit college course (the more credits, the better it is for your school year, the more expensive the class is, and the harder the class, or so I've been told). Art is another way I express myself. I know that no one will interrupt me if Im painting and so I can be alone and think.

So I thought as I worked on my painting:

Most people like to be in the company of their family. They like spending time with their parents, and doing things together. Cooking, TV, talking, playing. In my family, this is different. I just want to be alone all the time. Away from home, a place that feels to me, like a prison. I try all the time to spend more time alone, being with my parents is hard for me. I dont know why, I feel like the more they try to help me or do what is best for me, the more I feel that they push me away. They trap me, and Im not the only one who feels this way. My brother does and my sister did before she moved out. There is a feeling of opression, like if my parents were communist. They want me to be, act, and think a certain way, as a matter of fact, that certain way is their way.

Then I thought of my baby again. Still a little unstable from the other day... I wish I could be in his arms right now, so I can feel better. Its not that Im not ok, I just feel safe in his arms. I feel happy and something is sucking that happiness out of me since that day. Im happy, just... Maybe reality just slapped me real hard again. Its no one's fault really, I feel like a child again. I want to run to the arms that soothe me. I love it when he holds me. I really need that. I wonder when the next time he'll hold me will be.

I dont understand why, but I feel so much safer in his arms than in my own mother's, or even my dad's. Dont get me wrong, I love them to death, but they have changed and so have I. They dont see things in any way except for theirs. They give me so many things, material things. Things they know i wanted. They give me an education too, but anyone can send their kid to school and not give a shit. That is not enough to feel loved. I wish they could understand me and see things how I see them too. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink. They will never change, they think theyre always right.

Oh well. I guess that is all for now. im out 4 now. later.

A Vow to us....

Thats it! I can't stand being the way i am anymore! I refuse to hurt him, even less... LOSE HIM. So here I make a vow to myself and to him. I dont think it makes him comfortable that most of the people I talk to are guys. That he knows I'm a flirt, and my past. So I will change. I don't care if I have no friends at school. I may have friends, but they are not real. I don't need anyone or anything except for my baby.

RULE # 1- No more flirting. I don't do it on purpose, but even the smallest thing attracts attention. A smile, a remark. NO MORE. I've noticed that I do that, and I don't like the way it makes me feel.

RULE # 2- Don't talk to guys who I know are interested in one thing... I know that is what they want and associating with them even a little bit keeps them coming. I've had it with guys like that.

RULE # 3- Love him. Love him and make sure he knows that and never forgets it.

sin ti la vida se lentamente se me va.

Long night, awake and miserable.
Thoughts and fears,
Empty thoughts, empty night
Hatred in me again worse than ever,

I wish I could be rid of my past,
I wish I could take it all back
I wish I had thought instead of acting
I wish again to be someone else.

Long night awake and miserble,
eyes in tears,
heart in fright,
take this pain away forever

I hope now u believe in me
What do I do now, how to relieve me?
How could time not let you see?
I hope you never leave me.

Long night awake and miserable,
night that felt like many years
fight the pain with all my might
Doubt, or lie to you...

...I hope u know now, I would never...

~Too early on a monday morning~

writin in english again... Baby, I officially give up, if u catch my drift. Its 8:30AM, i woke up at 7.

N E way, Saturday was such a great day, even tho i didnt get to see you. You were so happy that day. :D I hope ur like that way more often, :D... I hope to see you soon, I really really miss you... :S ... I have to go to skool in 15 minutes... What a drag....

Thats it 4 now, TtYl... ;)

Te escribo a ti

Te escribo a ti, esta noche de lo que hay en mi corazon. Te lo he dicho tantas veces, pero quiero que nunca lo olvides. Te conoci en el bus, yo de 15 y tu con 14 anitos. Me caiste muy bien desde ese dia, el primer dia en que te conoci. No recuerdo muy bien esos tiempos. Solo que te tenia miedo, como podia interesarme el mejor amigo de mi hermanito menor? No hablabamos tanto, pero aun me atrevia a sentarme contigo o tan solo cerca de ti en el bus. Haci eran las cosas hasta el ano siguiente, el ano en que nos acercamos mas. Recuerdo que nos excribiamos, que caminabas conmigo. Recuerdo el almuerzo y tu ahi en la mesa al lado de la mia. Tu con Jorge, C.J., y Abraham, yo con Alisha, Rosa, Will, y mis amigas. Ocassionalmente iba donde ustedes a robarme una papita, (solo para verte). No sabia en ese entonces que sentia algo por ti, pero no me imaginaba no estar cerca de ti. Una noche, supe que me kerias... Al saber, tuve fuerzas para dejar que te enteres tambien. Y asi nos acercamos hasta mas, y un dia, me pediste que yo fuera tu novia. Acepte, felizmente. En una hora y media, me asuste... No habia pensado en que no te conocia en verdad, y que eres el mejor amigo de mi hermanito. Y te deje. Tan pronto te deje. Me dolio, pero el tiempo paso. Tenias novia, y luego yo tambien. Empezaste con ella en diciembre, terminaste en febrero. Yo en febrero, termino en mayo. Que horror no? Pero aun te buscaba cuando podia, y te abrazaba. Mi relacion se acabo, y de nuevo llegaste a mi vida, a apoyarme. Tu eras mi alivio. Los dos estabamos heridos, los dos nos cuidabamos y hablabamos de nuestros dolores. Hablabas de futbol, de chicas atrevidas ;), amigos, familia. Julio llego, tu cumple, mi horrible evento, mi cumple triste. Te hablaba de esas cosas que me atormentaban. Me di cuenta que eras para mi, y yo no podia dejarte ir. Aunque intentabas olvidarme, no pudiste, y volviste a mi.

Ahora te digo mi amor, te escribo a ti. 7 meces juntos. Distanceados pero enamorados y fuertes. Confessiones, detalles, recuerdos. Besos, abrazos, miradas. No he podido encontrar una palabra que signifique cuanto te amo. Eres mis fuerzas, mi sonrisa. Eres mis lagrimas. Soy feliz si tu lo estas, triste, enojada, preocupada. En ti no veo defectos sino, perfeccion. Me he enamorado de tu familia, aquellos que te han criado, protejido, querido. Los que me han aceptado, y hasta esa ninita celosa adorable, que linda! ah llegado manana? lol ;). Me conoces al 100% y sigues aprendiendo mas sobre mi cada momento. Te amo. Que haria sin ti, que seria de mi si tu no estas. Mi mejor amigo. Mi unico amor. Te amo, nunca lo olvides, nunca lo dudes.

Storms

In everyone's life there will always be some rain. Storms, that demolish the hope and will within the soul. Dark clouds that keep us from believing that the sun always shines after the tempest.

In my life there have been two storms:

My first, being a simple thunderstorm that ended soon after it began, when I found my soul mate. The second, a monsoon. This one I think will stay with me all my life. One that will be there in my past, a pain that will never leave me.

Rain can form an ocean if youre alone in it. Luckilly someone keeps me afloat in my ocean of bitterness created by my past. Thank you baby, for taking care of me always. I couldnt have seen the light of the sun without you.

te estoy mirando... Mike, I love you 

Mi Hermana mayor Tali ;)  

NavIdAd 

me SlEEpin 

Sitting,

ChUbBeE? GoRdItA?

Everything You Give Me

Two burning suns and radiant skies
Glowing endlessly iniside your beautiful eyes
Your lips, pink roses, eternally sweet
All part of the being that makes me complete
Gentle touch, your warm caressing breeze
Tempting me, teasing, provoking with ease
Summer always, your only season
Tropical passion, keep my heart beating
Skin a pleasant sandy hue,
Softer than velvet, none other like you
Loving soul, caring devotion
Heart and mind alike, full of emotion
Mine forever, to keep and dream of
Stay together in life and in death...
You gave me un-ending true love.

To the stranger with beautiful words. (Create)

No need to apologize... ;) i was rather moody when i wrote my reply to ur comment. In any case, ur question was not that strange... :$ Thanks for your comments. :)

Favorite Wish For the future.

Long journey to the other side, to a place Ive only longed to see with you. You and I, in the sky, sitting side by side as we reach our destination. We promised each other forever today. Dim hotel suite, warm colors, candle light. Chocolates and roses, golden silk sheets. Skip dinner, on to dessert. Chocolate covered cherries and strawberries, just for you and I, as we lay together on our honey moon bed. I can only look into those eyes, and I dont want to wait much longer. Ive waited so long for this moment. Kisses, caressing. Devotion, sensations never felt before. I want to feel lost in your arms, forget the world that exists around us. I wanna wake up in your warmth, watch u sleep peacefully by me. I want the rest of our lives to feel that way.

One day, I know this wish will come true...

TO MAKE IT CLEAR...

STRANGE TO ME THAT A STRANGER WOULD LEAVE A COMMENT ASKING WHO IT IS I THINK OF... DONT KNOW IF IT REALLY MATTERS TO YOU, BUT TO ANSWER YOUR COMMENT, I THINK OF ONLY ONE PERSON. I HAVE HAD SO MUCH TIME TO REALIZE THAT I CANT LOVE ANYONE BUT HIM. HIS NAME IS MICHAEL. ONLY 7 MONTHS TOGETHER, BUT IT FEELS LONGER. I MISS HIM BADLY, I MISS HIM SO MUCH.
HE LIVES FAR FROM ME, I SEE HIM ABOUT ONCE A MONTH. I DONT NEED TO KISS HIM OR FEEL HIM NEAR TO LOVE HIM. I LOVE THE PERSON HE IS, THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE IM EVERYTHING AND MORE TO HIM. LIKE IM SOMEONE SPECIAL. WHEN HE LOOKS AT ME, HE DOESNT SEE MY PAST OR MY FLAWS. HE SEES ME, AND HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. HE RESPECTS ME AND TRUSTS ME COMPLETELY. HE IS THE ONLY BEING IN THE WORLD WHO KNOW MY TRUE SELF. I LONG TO DREAM ABOUT HIM AGAIN. IN MY DREAMS I FEEL HIM WITH ME, LIKE HE IS REALLY HERE. AND SO TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, ITS HIM. MICHAEL. THE ONLY ONE I LOVE AND DREAM OF.

Dreams

Dreams can be so vivid, so real. Once you wake, they fade and once again life hits you with reality. But what if that wasnt so? What if most of our lives, we live believing that because our eyes are open, we see what is real? What if the dream you had last night was reality? You awoke and it disappeared. Maybe we live in dreams.
We live in those dreams where all we ever wanted, we could have. Life is perfect in dreams. We could be anything we want to be, do anything we want to do, have it all. What if dreams are the answers to our wishes. What if nightmares only begin when youre no longer sleeping, dreaming? Why else would I long to dream about him again? My dreams give me what I wish for. Why else would life overwhelm me with its complications everytime Im awake?
All my nightmares come true when I open my eyes every morning. So cruel, that what I felt and had in my dreams the moment before I awoke I could not feel again until the night, until I close my eyes and return to my dreams, my reality. So abruptly they end...
Maybe life isnt about what you accomplish. Maybe death only comes to us after our dreams are all we have left. Until our nightmares fade and what we dream of while asleep is also what we live while we're awake. When being awake and sleeping feels the same. Maybe growing up is finding the dream that will shape the rest of our lives. Maybe we never really die. We simply drift off into an eternal dream after we have found the dreams of our lives. If death is sleeping forever, maybe it wont be so bad. If I can feel the way I do in my dreams when he is with me. Maybe we are trully dead when alive, and life begins from the moment you die. Maybe there is no heaven, no hell. All we have are dreams and nightmares...

Things I dont want, in general...

I dont want to be hit on by strangers.
I dont want anyone to show interest in me.
I dont want to get close to new people, I wont be here for long and I dont want to be sad.
I dont want men to mistake my friendliness for interest.
I dont want to get hurt again.
I dont want anyone but my baby. I dont want to love anyone but him.

Is that clear??????????????????????????????