Thoughts Derived By Thinking Time and Art

Just finished doing some painting for my art class. I love the way its turning out. I (aka Loni) have a B+ in my class, a 4 credit college course (the more credits, the better it is for your school year, the more expensive the class is, and the harder the class, or so I've been told). Art is another way I express myself. I know that no one will interrupt me if Im painting and so I can be alone and think.

So I thought as I worked on my painting:

Most people like to be in the company of their family. They like spending time with their parents, and doing things together. Cooking, TV, talking, playing. In my family, this is different. I just want to be alone all the time. Away from home, a place that feels to me, like a prison. I try all the time to spend more time alone, being with my parents is hard for me. I dont know why, I feel like the more they try to help me or do what is best for me, the more I feel that they push me away. They trap me, and Im not the only one who feels this way. My brother does and my sister did before she moved out. There is a feeling of opression, like if my parents were communist. They want me to be, act, and think a certain way, as a matter of fact, that certain way is their way.

Then I thought of my baby again. Still a little unstable from the other day... I wish I could be in his arms right now, so I can feel better. Its not that Im not ok, I just feel safe in his arms. I feel happy and something is sucking that happiness out of me since that day. Im happy, just... Maybe reality just slapped me real hard again. Its no one's fault really, I feel like a child again. I want to run to the arms that soothe me. I love it when he holds me. I really need that. I wonder when the next time he'll hold me will be.

I dont understand why, but I feel so much safer in his arms than in my own mother's, or even my dad's. Dont get me wrong, I love them to death, but they have changed and so have I. They dont see things in any way except for theirs. They give me so many things, material things. Things they know i wanted. They give me an education too, but anyone can send their kid to school and not give a shit. That is not enough to feel loved. I wish they could understand me and see things how I see them too. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink. They will never change, they think theyre always right.

Oh well. I guess that is all for now. im out 4 now. later.