Day 1

It was a nice day today, not a cloud in the sky. Woke up at around 9 and washed my "stringy" hair lol. Got a call from baby at 10 and went down to make pancakes... Unfortunately, grandma came to tell me not to eat too much because I'm chunky so I didn't eat much. And Mike didn't eat much at breakfast either, so we're going to start off small and work our way up... Tomorrow morning a small bowl of cereal, so he can adjust slowly.

Went to get the registration changed and a new license but lacked some of the paperwork... Showed him how to get around, and discovered what good memory he has. Not to mention the fact that he drives really well. He got us here safely :D

He got a haircut today, I think he is beautiful. His hair was a little wild before but the lady did a pretty good job with him. I'll post a pic tomorrow. Got him some stuff, some toothpaste, mouthwash, green tea, water, yogurt; so he can have some stuff in the fridge to much on and drink. Stuff that doesn't consist of chips and bachelor food haha. We're not letting each other drink soda and eat things that are bad for us. I'm so happy

But I was even more thrilled at dinner, he ate a full plate of rice and beans and a pork chop, and later a good ham and cheese sandwich as we played a game of monopoly... (which I lost miserably... but not without a good fight haha, it was fun)

Tomorrow's new years eve. Going to see if I help make some of the feast, straighten my hair, pain my nails and pretty up to receive the new year all pretty. I want to cook so he can tell me what he likes and doesn't like :)

I'm really really sleepy right now though... And my writing is mediocre too, my brains delirious! Update tomorrow with some pics. :)

Jitter Bug

The day draws nearer and oh my, I'm extremely nervous! Mostly about the drive, hoping it goes safely, trying to get Mike's car in decent shape so he can travel safely too. Then about you meeting my parents. I've never done anything like this before, where my parents meet boyfriend's folks... So I'm just all jittery hehe... Guessing that's normal.

Well I want to go into more detail about how this is going to work...

Mike's got his own special apartment, in which he has a living room, bathroom, walk-in closet, garage, bedroom. He is welcome in all parts of the house, (except my room late at night- not allowed lol, same to me... I'm getting a curfew I believe lol.) He will not be required to pay any rent or fee, he will be as a member of the family. The only thing mom and dad ask is that he keep the area neat. They want him to be successful and wish for him to attend school. The only reason work is a necessity is because he has bills to pay, (car and insurance and such.) But his food and toiletries are covered and anything he needs he will be given.

As far as family "peer pressure" goes... The notion of marriage has been brought up. I admit that the idea made me happy, but I also acknowledge that there is a right time for everything. I have had a lot of time to think about the subject and hope that you are not alarmed once you read this.

Marriage is a big, life-changing step that two people take when they are both ready. This isn't the case now, as we are still young and I think we do need the opportunity to get to know one another and establish ourselves a little better. I don't want to be selfish and drag Mike into it. I want it to happen because we are both ready, because I don't see how it can work if I push him. I realize that my grandmother is pushing a bit for this to happen but I have let everyone know that now is not the time and that a relationship cannot work if only one person is taken into consideration. He's not even old enough to buy me a drink, and I barely am old enough LOL! So maybe someday this can be of consideration but not now. The day it happens I want both of our families to be there and I want it to be a happy day.

You're right though C - I do feel like because I have my family's blessing that it does validate their feelings towards us... It made me want to get married but they can't and will not be the reason behind my marriage, just because I can is not the right reason.

I just really want you to know that I will do my best to take care of him, make sure he is OK. To make sure he is happy and that he gets to see you guys as often as possible. And that on my part there is no rush on making anything move too quickly. I love Mike very much and I want to be able to share with you guys as my family too.

Sharing With my 3 Peoplez <3

As the days draw near, my mother and grandmother reveal to me their good intentions. They want us to be happy. They want to make sure it works out. I need to tell them at the same time to stop meddling in my relationship. I guess they are overly excited. But at the same time they are sort of driving me CRAZY lol.

They want to talk to your Mr. Dad. About what his thoughts are on this move. About how he feels about me and such. I think they want to make sure he is on the same page and that he understands that I am in an environment where I'm well cared for and that his son will enter the same environment.

We believe that relationships are the foundation of marriage. In other words, you don't date someone just because you can and then just leave someday because you saw someone interesting walk by... You are getting to know one another in order to someday get married.

They are very traditional people, and this is their first time doing something like this. It's all new to them and they want to make sure we do it right. They don't want for Mike to come here and suddenly just leave because he gets mad or something (though I told them they don't know him and he wouldn't do that.)

They are very supportive of our relationship and hope that we are successful together. They want me to treat him with respect and dignity... To change my housekeeping habits and learn to cook even better so that I can spoil him every chance I get. They want to know that he loves me and see the way he is with me.

I wanted to tell you what was going on of late so that you are as well informed as possible.

If you have any thoughts on this please tell. I'm nervous and anxious and want to be able to keep everything as open for discussion as possible. You could even call me if you have any questions or anything.

*signed- Me <3>

May God and His angels watch over you.

I'm not a great religious fanatic, I don't attend church... But I do believe in God and angels;

We tread along with broken hearts and severed intentions when we must, carrying in our minds cumbersome masses that weigh in on the joys we deserve to experience. At times the walls enclose and there seems no escape from the pain, and the anguish takes control and the thought of surrender creeps up silently; convincingly easier than enduring wounds of cruel thoughtlessness and neglect. But I know there is more than just us in the course of our lives, there is something bigger and graceful somewhere amidst the suffering, watching when we cry, when we fall, when we're in need. Giving us hope and holding our hands when most we feel alone. And so I wish for all whom I love and cherish... May God and his angels watch over you always and guide you safely through the difficult moments and share with you in the beautiful ones.

Flamboyance

It's been 70 degrees for the past couple of weeks, the leaves are changing colors, you could see time going by. I'm undergoing change myself, and overcoming self conflict successfully.

I feel so much better now. Like the me I used to be years ago, only more weary of life, but more confident in ability to succeed. I didn't notice though, how much my self esteem had dropped. Plummeted. I see myself so different. My condition left me failing left and right, unable to do things any normal person could do. I am my own worst critic I know. I guess I just need to prove to myself that I can do things and I can achieve my goals. I know I will now. Everything was so overwhelming before, but as time has gone by it's becoming manageable. I can't believe I have the same ailment as my mother... But things happen for a reason. Perhaps I had to see what she was going through in order to recognize my symptoms better. I went for treatment early, and thankfully will not become so out of control, I have a chance at normalcy.

And so I can conclude that I am happy. I have a great outlook in life and feel healthy again. I am counting down the days until my dream comes true. I am eagerly counting down the days until I go back to school. Finally made up my mind about what I want to be, something I'm passionate and enthusiastic about. Helping children learn and experience their early years memorably in order to encourage future success in their education.

I'm on my way to work in a few minutes, but I thought I'd stop by and drop a note lol. Until next time,

Z <3>

Workplace Drama

You know when you meet someone for the first time, and you just know that you aren't going to get along...

So work so far is easy, tiring though. I work with a bunch of teens that are hormone crazy and lazy... The worse one being a girl named Jessica... She is nice, but she looks like a bitch. It's been a few nights now that I close with her and I end up doing most of the work, or else nothing gets done properly and I end up getting a lecture, though I work my ass off. So last night I decided to complain about it.

See two days ago I closed with her again. It wasn't busy at all, I started the dishes early and all. She came to talk to me for a bit. Started closing the cooler, and then a friend came to see her. She went outside for a bit, maybe 5 minutes and then came back in. I finished the dishes and she still wasn't done with the kitchen. She kept getting distracted by her cell phone, ALL NIGHT that thing was ringing. I even know her ring tone now. "Freak in the mornin', freak in the evening" ugh. I ended up cleaning most of the store and she only did the cooler area. I was dog tired. And she even asked me to do things, like fill the mop bucket for her, and put up the dining room chairs... I was like, bitch, what the fuck are you doing? She did easy stuff, like closing the register......... So I told the crew leader for the night (who happens not to like her) and he had me write a complaint and sign it. I didn't say anything to her the night before, I wasn't planning to. But this is not the first time she pulls this crap. And the boss is threatening to fire those who don't do things correctly, I have bills to pay now, I can't afford to lose this job, however crappy it may be.

I hope things aren't so tense at work today. I hate conflict. Usually I'm not this big a bitch, but she struck a chord. She is not a bad person, but she takes advantage. I have never been in this kind of situation before and it makes me feel all shaky and nervous. I am dreading going in today :(

Then there is the fact that I've realized that socializing at work is out of the question. They are all 4-5 years younger than I am... Live in different planets. One of em had a friend ask me to buy them alcohol last night... I sounded "uncool" and like a "bitch" but I told them NO straight up... Gave them lectures and everything. I don't know where that came from LOL, guess the adult side of me saw a bunch of morons and it aggravated me.

*Sigh, I need a better job. Perhaps I will find another. I will look around if the waters become rocky. But until then I will stick this one out. I just hope everything turns out alright. I hope that I can handle the stress I will endure today.

There are worse things going on in the world. This isn't chaos or anything... I'm just in a state of mind in which little things are overwhelming, and people are intimidating. What the hell happened to the confident carefree me? I used to be able to do anything.

Maximus- in a quest for the squeaking banana and all the chewable shoes in the world.
This has been today's photographic presentation.

A Tour of the Accommodations

The bedroom
Entertainment center, and mini fridge. Holds dvd, xbox, stereo, TV, pics of the family, books, etc.
Just a wall where max's HP box was temporarily put LOL
Had this in my room, thought I'd put it here.
Max having fun with the floor mat LOL

continued

Part one of 2 ^ of a divided bathroom. This one has the walk in closet and linen closet in it.

Another view of the TV room
Door to 2 car garage #2 with doggy doors LOL
Hallway to bedroom and divided bathroom
The hallway entrance to bathroom.

Cont.

^Above is a view of a portion of our TV room. Complete with leather reclining sofas, an encyclopedia book case, chess/checkers table, and....
^My mom's prized collectible beverages... Undrinkable, this is a collection of discontinued drinks, and crystals from Venezuela... We've had it for 15 years.
^ The big screen TV with satellite cable in HD, so no boredom can occur LOL. Also surround sound and a record player.

At a Loss for Words

I've been speechless for days now. I feel like I'm in shock, hoping I don't wake up from this dream.

I didn't know it would be so hard just knowing the pain I predicted you'd feel. I'm hoping that I don't disappoint you, that I can make you happy. That I can fill that void and be what you expected. I find myself thinking of little things that I hope I can do to make you feel more at home. I know it's months away but here I am planning your room out, looking for ways to make a warm space for you, with all you need and want and a bit more in it. I find myself looking forward to spending time with you finally, without fearing the day you have to leave again. Without having to drive you away to the airport, wishing I could turn the car around and go back and hold you close just one more time before hundreds of days go by.

I've been praying for so long for this chance. Watching others hold hands and wishing I can give you mine to hold too. Hearing you when you're down, looking at your face when you're troubled and being mocked by the distance. Even listening to your cherished moments and not being able to take part in them with you. And one day I found the courage to relay my feelings publicly and doors opened, and you are no longer a shadow in my life, but the light that others see when I smile and prosper.

I read everything you all wrote about 5,000 times. I am overwhelmed by the words, by the thoughts. I am thankful for having been able to show you who I am, and share my dreams and deepest thoughts with you. And I'm thankful that you've let me into your worlds as well. You have made me feel welcome and familiar. I know he is dear to you just as a son is dear to a loving mother. For the first time he'll be far away and I know you will be worried. But I want to make you a promise. I will take care of him and keep him safe, and spoil him. I'll always be there for him and do my best for him. And I know he needs you too, and I'll make sure he can go home as much as possible and see everyone who makes his heart whole.

I think of all that's been said and I want to cry again. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me this way. It is rare in this world to find this. I'm nervous and overjoyed and looking forward to the future. I love you baby. Thank you so much. Remember that you can always count on me for anything ANYTHING you need.

I want to thank you again V and C for your trust and support. Thank you for being there for me too. I won't let you down.

I love you more than anything in this world baby.

~*}{^He Wrote Love In My Heart^}{*~

In my dream I fell into a silver horizon and encountered clarity beyond that which my eyes could ever behold. Forever will they remain dormant and will my heart know the glory of the soul that awoke my love and lay my shallow eyes to sleep. Your love is a sweet descent into my dreams and my heart is forever yours to hold.

Happy Anniversary Love <3

Making Sense

Oh goodness... This week has been a LONG one. I think a lot... I guess that's obvious... And after talking to Mike, and reading Vani's post... I've only become more pensive...

My dad has taught me that in life, there are very rarely opportunities. Good opportunities, that will enable us to succeed and pursue the things we want... Opportunities. I guess the only hard part is learning to see them, to recognize them when we encounter them. I may have my ups and downs with mom and dad. I'm a very free spirited and strong willed person. I like to fly and my pace in life has always been fast. I'm not a late bloomer. This, I am noticing, is the root of all my conflicts with my parents. They didn't want me to grow up too fast, I guess they understood that childhood is a wonderful time in life and that its important to hold onto some of that carefree state before entering the harsh world we must face as adults... I don't blame them for it. I respect them for it, because they've only been trying to protect me all along. Even from myself. It's been hard to establish a sense of independent identity... My own values, beliefs, my own way of doing things. But slowly and steadily, I've been getting there. I'm growing up. I'm achieving everything I've sought out to. It's not easy.

It's been slow change. For all my life I've never been able to talk to them as I have now. I've never told them what I think about the way the past has shaped my life, the way their actions good and bad have shaped the person that I am. I've told them what I want, cleared misconceptions. I'm showing them the real me. There have been some arguments along the way. But I'm satisfied. Their efforts show. They are giving me space, respecting my desires, my decisions. They are letting go of my reins and allowing me to hold them on my own. Mom and dad's only fault, has been their desire to protect me and help me be better. I can't ask more of them. They are finally listening. And I have learned to make myself heard and understood.

I have no doubt in them anymore. I have no fear. No reason to hide or lie. They would never hurt me or disrespect my decisions. They trust in my judgment of right and wrong... This is what I wanted... They seem like scary people, but really... they aren't. Not once you open your eyes and see what they are really trying to do.

Opportunities... I was thinking about this for a while. Maybe he can stay here at home... School here's cheaper than at mason. I can be there for him, we can be together. Mom and dad do like you baby... They suggested this to me before I said anything to them. I never thought they'd do this... There are rules in this house, that is for the best... This is why I know it will be ok... They will embrace you as part of this family... Have no problem giving you a hand to visit home when you feel homesick. You won't have to pay rent or anything... Mom and dad would not offer this if they couldn't provide a good and safe environment for us...

It sounds so wonderful to me when I say it like that... But I feel bad thinking about your dad... wondering if he will be mad at me too... Wondering if you'll be happy here without V and C. Wondering if my desire to have you here is selfish and if you'll be angry at me one day for asking you to come here. And suddenly... I feel stuck again.

The truth is, I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss you so much. I feel lonely and hate thinking that you do too. I think rationally that it doesn't have to be now. We don't have to so drastically take important decisions like these... I know this... There is a time for everything... Right now is just not. But knowing this does not ease my sadness like I want it to.

I don't want to hurt you just because I'm becoming anxious...

I know he'd be broken hearted too V... I know he'd think of you all the time and feel sad that he's far away. I know that he needs you guys now. I know you adore him, and he adores you... I love him very much. I'd do anything for him, anything to know he's ok and happy. I haven't been able to spend much time with you guys... But I have come to love you guys too. To hope and pray for good things for all of you like you're my family too, and to want to be able to some day offer anything I can if anyone ever needed help or anything at all... The last thing I want is to hurt anyone. I don't want to be selfish. One day we'll know when the time is right. Now doesn't have to be the time I know. I just wish it would get easier as time went by, rather than more difficult to bear.

Thank you for your words. They really made sense to me and eased my tension lol. I smiled when I read them and understood a lot. A smile after this week was something I really needed :)

Daily Anxiety Attacks.

Things seem to be getting more and more complicated. Rather than lightening the load on my shoulders, my latest decisions have made everything more cumbersome. I've been thinking endlessly. What could I be doing wrong? What am I doing wrong.

They are concerned about me... About Jorge too. Sometimes it seems like their only expectations for me and my siblings are irresponsibility. Getting pregnant, ruining my life. I guess it's normal for parents to fear such events. They've spent 21 years trying to prevent such things from happening. To them, we are like loaded guns.

I can't help but be angry at life. I'm angry because I've been waiting for so long it seems. I've been waiting for years to be with him. Years... How much longer must we wait, I keep asking whoever is listening. I want everything now. I want to take care of him. Those things seem so far away. When will someday come?

They told me I could so I asked... Can I go see him in December? They looked at me like I was crazy. It is inappropriate they said. It is wrong. What would his father think? I got mad when they said that... But I remember asking him, what would your dad would think about me... He said nothing... But I don't know... How could he not though? I don't know.

They have no problem with you coming over here. You can come as many times as you want. But being in their house even without you makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps because I'm always fighting with them about things like this. They said they'd pay your way if you wanted to come over in December... The difference between me going over there and you coming over here is that they are watching us here... Permanent chaperons... But damn... Is there an age limit for that? From a legal stand point, I could technically say, " I can do whatever I want" but from realistic stand points, I live in their house, I can't take care of myself right now... I have to respect their rules." All I want is to feel normal... I want to be able to spend time with him without being afraid that my parents are going to humiliate me... All I want is for them to forget about they're dirty minds and realize that if that were the nature of my relationship with him, then the distance would have killed it long ago. That the times I've spent with him in these years have been the most happy ones in my life, and they can't blame me for wanting to feel that all the time. I want them to realized that when he is gone, I feel lonely all the time, and I could have all the friends in the world, but none of them could make me feel as happy as he does. Because I close my eyes and remember little things, like getting chased by a crazy horse... Or walking to Mcdonalds in 25 degree weather and missing the metro bus a bunch of times... lol even making hot dogs at 9pm and arguing the proper way to make them LOL.

I guess I'm at a crossroads... Trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. What is reasonable and what is not. Trying to figure out what I can do to be near him... This distance is not fair anymore. I think we deserve to be together now...

Maybe I'm ranting right now... But something has to alleviate the way I feel lately. Because I thought telling mom and dad would make things easier... Like they'd see how much pain I'm in and fix it. But I don't let them see how I feel, I can't. Because my feelings to them are immature endeavors, things I control and do on purpose. I thought they'd know how hard this is and help me find a way to make it better...

Something has got to give. Because I don't want to feel this pain in my chest like a have a boulder keeping me from breathing. Because I don't want to wake up anymore with tear marks and dark circles under my eyes...

Colombia Universe

The judges of this year's Miss Universe contest were LAME! Tali (Colombia) is clearly the more beautiful candidate... plus the world has not seen her nipple, (if you can find Venezuela's oopsy LOL.)

Plus it is not hard to be that skinny in a country like venezuela... I know from experience LOL!

The next 6 semesters

OK. So this is my plan for graduation. I obviously have a lot of work ahead of me. This isn't counting this semester. But I think this is ok. The career pays well financially and in a sense of fulfillment. I'm pretty excited about this major. I never felt quite this motivated, though I am not ready to go back to school in 5 days lol. Well anyway. Thought I'd post this.

Disheartened

Gently the wind blows through blades of dark grass dazzled by a glimmer of moonlight,
The city below, once gem-like and radiant, glowing bleak and dim, nearly lifeless...
There on the hill she sits, thoughtless, idle, wishing for nothing more, hoping she can lay there in that moment forever, effortless and unmotivated. The darkness permeates her soul and despair flows freely from her eyes. At times, even the most bright and heartened can fall victim to gloom and sorrow.

What's For Dinner?!

I need to lose 40 lbs... (As previously mentioned.) So in honor of culinary inspiration, I'm writing here a few dishes I am going to put to the test.

-Chicken Caesar Wraps
-Papas (hervidas) al ajillo w/ turkey breast
-Lean honey baked ham in a cobb salad
-Baked potato w/ broccoli, cheeze and lean ham... (not fond of turkey)
-Whole wheat spaghetti al ajillo
-Lemon Pepper rotisserie chicken w/ green bean salad
-Tossed salad
-Fruit bowl (apples & grapes) with honey over them
-Mofongo (delicious Puerto Rican dish made with plantains) and chicken breast sauteed in onions


UM - what else is there that isn't greasy??? I'm aiming more for smaller portions than eating leaves like a rabbit haha. I eat too much. I lost one pound so far.....................

Jumble

I'm happy and at the same time a bit sad. I know things will get better now, I know I'm not in a cage anymore, and I can live my life and include mom and EVEN dad in it. I'm a person again. A little strange to my life, but rebuilding the more extrovert side of me.

There's so much happening all at once. Play time is over and I need to buckle down on my last summer course, so I can get that A. Need to head over to my other school and register for the fall. I wanna see about a job too, maybe I can help you out baby so you don't have to screw up your car and get another job. Not to mention, the $300 dad gives me each month isn't making the cut anymore, with gas prices going up. I'm still adjusting to not having you here anymore. Every time you leave I feel all funky and confused, like I don't know what to do next.

Now I'm thinking that my problems aren't just springing from my family life. I'm still screwed up about other things. I know it's been a long time baby. I know it would be nice for me to forget. But it's so hard. It feels like I'm cursed. Men scare me. It was 4 years... Why can't I forget? I remember after it all happened, that kind of guy didn't stop coming Tom, Fred, that weird old guy I was serving food at work. I think I'm traumatized. I know I should see my therapist, talk about it. But I can't. It's too hard. I don't think I can. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore now either.....

I read C's blog this morning too. I'm so glad you got to talk to her. I think your mom is going to be ok. My mom went through this process too, and today I can say I have a mom. I've finally seen her the way she is. I have a mom and it feels good. I remember when she first started on meds, it took a while to find the right one. Sometimes she was out of it, others pacing and high strung. And this year, I finally see her. She understands me, listens. She is trying her best. She isn't crazy. I can't wait for you all to see that day. You're right, the best thing you can do is be strong for her, and take care of yourselves. Try and remember that she is ok :) I'm still praying for you all.

Well I think I've exhausted my writing limit for today. I currently look like a banshee lol, with my hair all sorts of wack and dark circles under my eyes haha... Gonna eat lunch soon. (I forgot it is saturday)

Laterz! Take Care <3

Itinerary

First- I felt like posting a picture of that bear! I sleep with it and it's almost like a pillow lol. ----------------------------->

I haven't seen my psychologist in weeks. I don't feel the need either. I'm getting by alright, even though there is the rare occasion in which I feel down. What else is there to talk about really? Maybe I should go one more time, ask her if she evaluates me as rehabilitated lol. I think I've got shell shock. Like it hasn't really kicked in that all is well. That mom and dad have a human side. I'm still adjusting I guess.

I'm so excited about Monday. I've started planning all these possible things to do so we don't get bored, nor do we stick the the computer screen the whole time you guys are over here. Thinking about a bbq, preparing a fancy dinner, finding a place in which to play pool, bowling, movies, horses, etc. I know we are poor though so I'm trying to think of inexpensive things to do. We probably won't get to do much anyway, because Jason is a pain in the ass, and boys are so laid back and "whatever" lol.

OOh my tummy hurts right now. I am going to eat breakfast, nag myself to do that rather than a certain other person ;)

Take care peepz!

what happened to me?! LOL

Soooo... I AM FAT! I've been dieting for a few weeks and I have only lost one pound. My face is round. I have rolls. 2 chins... Gruesome right???

:( good bye peanut butter cookies, and cookies all together. Good bye cake. Ice cream. :(

I've come to the point in my life where everything I eat turns into belly marshmallows... I guess this is the way its gonna be until I die lol. Hello discipline. Sigh.

Random Moment

This is me paying my last respects to my former car. I miss it sooo much!!! I miss paying 30 bucks for gasoline, and parking easilly... I miss not having to climb into my car as if it were a mountain lol. *Sigh, my first car, it went down the toilet... R.I.P. Focus.

The Sun Hasn't Shone Yet Today

Gotta go to school in a few. Long night last night, bad dream, woke up irritated. Feel like being alone for just a few hours. The irritability isn't subsiding... actually its elevating.

Maybe I do take things too lightly. Maybe some things don't have solutions. I've never been one to look at the dim side. And somehow I feel forced to and it brings me down. Still I can't let go of the notion that there isn't anything I can't do. I can't let go of the thought that nothing ever resolves if no one is willing to talk about things or listen.

I feel so blah right now. I've always said the way I feel, the things I think. Lately I'm just afraid to say any of it. The effects of my verbalization bring about consequences I can't readily deal with. It ends in passive aggression and sweeping under the rug. That's just not my style.

Maybe I should just subdue my instincts and allow each day to play out on its own.

July 4th - Independence Day-

Thank you God. It took me 4 years, 4 years to break free. And I have. Everything will fall into place now. Everything will be ok. I told mom and dad that there is someone. And that it is you.

They smiled. They said they like you, they'd rather it be you than anyone else.

The Right Way

Tell me why I just cleaned the house... The WHOLE thing, and the kitchen looks blown up already... Got to do some dishes, clean the counter tops, sweep, and tomorrow start on what seems like 400 tons of laundry. I'm feeling free as a butterfly, so doing all of these things doesn't bother me. I don't have dad on my but telling me to hurry up. It's been a good vacation. Time on my own to reflect, to vent. Still I can't get used to being in charge, haven't ever been before. I cook, and clean, and make sure things are in order. I don't think I will be as horrible a house keeper as I thought. It's been a week and we are all still alive, fed and crackin' lol.

Writing is something I don't do enough anymore. I forgot how good it feels to reflect. Anywho...

Another session of therapy gone by. An hour and 30 minutes talking to the nice lady. I still want to know what's in her notebook, yes I am that nosy. Well we did role reversal, me telling my parents things I feel... Her pretending to be me and me pretending to be my parents. I felt like a dork, but hey it got me thinking.

So once I got out, I felt empowered again. I stood up straight and marched to the car and called dad. Not mom because she never answers the phone. He was watching John Wayne with grandpa but I figured I should talk to him. Talk to him the same why my sister wasn't able to before she decided to move out. This time, it was me declaring that I am an adult. It feels good.

I started by telling him that I love him very much. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, make him sad, break his heart, disappoint or fail him. I told him that I appreciate everything he has ever given me and tried to do for me. Went on to admitting that I'm intimidated by them, overwhelmed and afraid of them.

I tried to make him understand that even though I have made mistakes, they did too. That I was hurt by them in ways they do not know, because I haven't found a way to express those things to them. They didn't understand that the things I've done weren't personal, nor intentional. And that I know that they didn't hurt me on purpose.

I told him that I need a certain amount of independence. My parents make me feel like a child. And that can't happen anymore. That I need to be able to make my own decisions without fearing judgment on their part, or intervention. I understand that as parents they want to protect me, and that they hurt when I get hurt. But I told him that that is how we learn in life. We fall, and we get back up and start over. I reminded him that he came from a more difficult background than me, and he made without help. He was able to be independent and he can be proud that he reached his goals. I want to do things on my own too, and I am capable just as he was.

For the first time, I spoke and he listened and he told me I was right. He told me I'm grown up and that he wants to support me. I asked him for that. That I'd give anything to be able to make a choice, and yes, risk getting hurt, but have their support in whatever I choose to do. That when I get hurt, instead of lectures and "I told you so's" they should try holding me and being there for me. When you're down, the last thing you need is blame and being preached to.

I think I'm getting somewhere with this. I think everything will be O.K. This is where I start setting boundaries. This is the right thing to do. Helping them understand and understanding them. Making sure we are all O.K.

I want them to be a part of my life more than anything. And I hope that soon, I will let them see the me I am without being afraid of being judged or manipulated and controlled.

I feel relief.

My spirits are so high, I was inspired to cook up a storm. Pepper steak, white rice, fried plantains, a delicious almond vanilla cake with chocolate icing... MMMMMMM So stuffed though haha. Anywho. School starts on Friday. I'm embarking on a new journey. I needed a fresh start. I'm going to study nursing. I'm rejuvenated and ready to tackle my tasks.

More Than That.

I just want you to hvae more than just a life of wondering if you can afford to go to the docotr. I just want you to be ahappy and feel accopmlishe.d I just want you to realize, I mean, really realize that your future startsn ow and you are theo nly one who can build that. That I want you to feel accomplished and proud of yourself.

I want so much for you.

So don't be mad at me antmore ok? Don't be amd at me for believeing in you. If I hurt you I didnt' mean to. THere's so much I want to say, but I just hope it doesn't come out wrong or it makes sense. I need you to be ok for you, and for me too. I can't do oit alone.

I love you... I love you.

<3 Someone who cares, loves and adores you with everything she has......

Me <3

This Is How I Know.

After much contemplation and procrastination, I've done it. Today was my first day in therapy. My psychologist is a very nice lady. I must admit I was really scared before I went in, but then I went in and I just couldn't shut up. I talked and talked... I watched her write things about me in her notebook. I wonder what she wrote. I wish I could see.

But I guess when you have time to explain the things you feel to a perfect stranger, and she listens and asks you questions and makes observation.... Your life suddenly starts unraveling into little bits that slowly make sense... Yes, my life is one big blob of drama lol.

I keep thinking of how I'd stand up for my four years with him. Four years they didn't know about not because I didn't want to tell them, but because they refused to be a part of it. I was afraid that they'd shoot so many things at me that I wouldn't be able to argue with and overcome... but it's not so hard. It's not because I have a good man.

I have what I've always wanted... And what they've always wanted for me.

He loves me. He loves me when I'm crazy, when I'm sad, when I'm needy, when I'm a downright pain in the ass. He loves me when I'm doing well, and he loves me when I'm not. He takes all of me and doesn't run away when I'm not at my best. He's taken the time to know me. To figure out what makes me smile, what makes me cry. To understand what I need and what I want. To let me know him. He will take care of me any way he can. They should be thankful for him, because he was my support when I needed some. He kept me in one piece. He did that for me when they couldn't. I want to take care of him too. So let me. The decision is made... Whether they support me or not, it's their problem. I have been half alive all these years. 16 years old for 4 years, and I'm tired.

NO, I'm not a child anymore. And YES I am entitled to living my own life as an adult now, without mind games, manipulation and threats. You are my parents, love me for who I am. Support me in my decisions. Be proud that I can make it on my own. Support me even if you don't agree with me, because it's my life and I'm tired of living the one you've chosen for me.

And that's it. That's all I have to say. They are a force to recon with...

But, so am I.

Every Night

I don't know how to rate this year. So far I'm afraid of what's to come.

I've always wanted to grow up so fast, to get things done so that I can do the things I dream of. So that I can go home. And I still do. Only I didn't realize that growing up was so painful. I see things now around me that make me hurt. I feel the pain of those I love, and it wounds me. I feel like my writings are repetitive, but I just don't know how else to handle this uselessness. I can do nothing to help...

Every tomorrow is even more eerie than the next. I feel uneasy. I'm in an unstable state of mind, and the slightest breeze pushes me closer to the edge. How can anyone depend on such a vulnerable person? Everyone around me sees how weak I am. How ironic. I thought once, that I could take ANYTHING on.

All I can do now, is pray. So I will send up my prayers every single night. I will pray for everyone to be all right. I will pray for the sun to shine, and the clouds to disappear. I will pray for the bad times to fade quickly, and for endurance. I will pray. So even if tomorrow seems dark, I will light a candle and hope that those I pray for find the light I've wished upon them. I will pray that I can find means to facilitate their journey through the storm.

In Response

They say, that from the moment we are born, we begin learning to communicate. Funny though, nearly 21 years later, I'm still at a loss, not for words, but for the correct ones. I was writing in response to your publishing from earlier yesterday... Your words triggered my thoughts and so I felt compelled to respond. It is when I read what you've written, and I am compelled to respond that I remember why I miss it so much when you write, and why I love that you write. It is when I am writing back though, that I'm reminded of why I write. My voice when I speak to you, rushes out quicker than do my thoughts, and I usually end up saying either the wrong thing or something that makes no sense.

Like for example, earlier tonight, when I told you to cancel your movie rentals, and you said you would if I'd promise to go over to visit you soon. Quickly, I said, "I pr"... and you said you'd be angry with me if I didn't keep that promise. I said it hoping you'd free yourself of yet another debt and that I'd be helping you in some way. But now I'm alone in my room again. Running on but 5 hours of sleep. Here I am stinging. The reality is, that I'd have made you a promise I was not sure I could keep. And then I share your heartbreak. Because I would love to be with you always. I would love to know that I am indeed a comfort to you, a support, rather than something else taken from you.

Normal... I don't think I know what that means. Not sure there is such a thing. Perhaps normal means perfect. Normal- having the things you want the way we imagine them to be, removing the conflicts that cause our lives to be... not so normal. Maybe perfect and normal are synonymous and unattainable.

But there is one thing that you should always always remember. God, well, He doesn't DO these things to us. He doesn't control us as we control the characters in our games. He is like a father. Like our parents, he is someone we should look up to and respect. Like our parents, He does not control what we do or what life brings us. He is there for support, always listening, always guiding us, whispering what is right and what is not. He is not cruel. I can't believe that he pushes you to drown, or any of us. It is up to us baby, to see His signs. To try. I don't have all the answers. I can only have faith in Him. I can only believe that He is good and merciful. And as long as I believe he is with me, there is hope. Have faith baby, keep hope, for you and those you love.

This will subside. Your ailment will soon be gone. It's already started, you have the tools. You can find out now what it is that is hurting you. And when you do, it will only be a matter of time until you are cured. There IS a cure for that.

To know that the people you love have suffered, and that even now they feel pain... To be so powerless, and not be able to help take the pain away from them. I know it is frustrating and hurtful. That is what my last post meant. It's hard to smile when you know there are good people hurting... It is sickening. But you can't for one second let your head down. You have to keep strong, and fight for the future. Better yourself and open the doors to that which seems so far away. Seeing your mom and perhaps bringing her here one day, being a great support for your family, having a home and kids, your health and quality of life...

I love you.

They fall by the millions, collecting into an ocean of icy melancholy. A storm fallen on one only, streaming through my safe of emotions, penetrating everything strong and resilient in my being. When will I look around and not see the pain overflowing in their vaults? When will their tempests cease? Worn out, weathered... Once I was a willful warrior, capable of overthrowing the reign of aches and hardships that surrounded my loved ones... The plague that's covered the world in bitterness and hopelessness. At a time in this life, I was indestructible. Ironically here I am, trying to keep afloat in a boat I thought was unsinkable. Here I am, emptying the rain, emptying the ocean from my small vessel. When did I stop knowing and being so sure? When did I bury my optimism?

What is tolerable and not? When am I wrong or right? What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss these questions around and suddenly, my self image is broken and I'm not sure if I'm the same person I was a few years back. I feel wounded. As if I'd been ignoring pain and fighting new pains as they came. As if it were layered inside me and the pressure of going forward became too much to bare.

What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss that question around only for a small while. How can I satisfy another if I can't keep myself afloat? I'm so dependent... So incapable of fending for my heart. I've resented where my life has lead me and desired so for a way back home. Home... What would I do without my home? What would I do if I didn't have a home to fight for anymore? Perhaps my dependency could cause the loss I so fear.

Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes i feel like sanity's jumped out the window. Maybe they were all right to look at me the way they do.

I have one prayer tonight. Please help me... I need my strength again. I need my will again. Though I've not lost my hope, I've lost something. Please help me find it again. I'd like to leave these doubts I have of my fortitude. I'd like my old self back. The self that could do anything. The self that could save the world... The self that could make a difference. Please.

THINGS I AM DOING TODAY:

1-Mom insists on going to the dollar store but she doesn't want to drive. Guess who is her taxi driver...

2-Picking up some milk, a ham, and something sweet to bake for tomorrow at the grocery store.

3-Continue working on a floor plan due on Wednesday.

4-Eat at 5 because I took some meds that prohibit me from eating until 3 hours after taking them.

5-Do nothing for the rest of the day because it is Friday, I am off, kinda cranky, and not in the mood for cleaning.

6- ='(

MY DREAM CAR

I know I said I wanted it to be white, but I think the black and red looks sexy hehe. This car costs a whopping 95,000 buckaroos. One can dream right?

Reborn through Revelation

Your eyes perpetually consume me, your gaze has remained in my memory through each moment of my life since you seized my beating heart. The hours linger on, and I wish your voice could soon fill the stark soul that sits before the deceptive reflection in a large pane of glass. Nothing reveals me more than my reflection in your eyes. Only there do I feel myself reborn into all the beautiful fantasies I dreamed of as a child. And I become an angel... I blossom, I gleam like a rose in a mist of glistening dew. I feel myself invincible, formidable... and I pray that my strength resonates and you too can feel as fearless and brave as I do. I feel so safe, so new. All I needed to come alive, rests within you.

Life and Time

I've plunged into instability, a continent of quicksand, where slowly I sink to the finite moments of my life, or so it seems. I'm paralyzed by the ticking of time, a bitter nemesis that grows fonder of my tears with each minute gone by. Go ahead then, if you must wash me down with a glass of your finest wine, indulge in my misery, in my yearnings never met, in my anguish now unsettled. Laugh it off with your greatest companion and watch me squirm and fight the pain with all my might. I grow restless, foreign to myself. I'm swelling as I soak in each drop of blood, each ounce of sadness shed by those so dependent on a strength I really do not hold. So tempted, I'd like to throw in the towel, just give up on myself in times like these. It's too hard when I feel so alone. Well pass the wine fetch another bottle, I too would like to drown my troubles away. I too would like to forget the teaming masses that depend on me. If only you were more merciful, but no, you both work together to puncture me. So fast the pendulum swings when I wish it would stop, and too slow when I need it to hasten up.

And then I wonder if maybe you've nothing to do with it, and if I'm the only one inflicting pain and weighing down my bit of paradise. Perhaps I trigger the bitterness, and each salty tear my love and I have shed is my own doing. And the quicksand aims to suffocate me, I'm swimming in a tar so heavy and I feel my lungs collapse. Tired as I may be, I will go on to challenge the routes of my insanity, I'll continue breathing and my heart beating. I've so much more to fight for, so much to lose. Surrender is not an option, not at this juncture, I must keep my life afloat. I love him too much.

Artistic Forms of Expression

I have decided to embark on a new adventure: Belly Dancing. I'm taking lessons each Saturday morning, it's actually pretty amazing. I'm not half bad for a beginner and I'm really excited about it. It's exercise, and fun at the same time. I think this dance is beautiful, it's not easy but once you master it, you can do beautiful things. It sort of reminds me this part in fantasia... Impressionable? Maybe you can call me that. But I just think I'm open to trying new things and I can see beauty in many artistic forms of expression (also getting into theater). Here are two videos. One is of belly dance, the other fantasia:

2008

Horoscopos 2008-Walter Mercado. I posted his guys predictions for me last year and they were pretty accurate so here it goes again :)

You Need Not Read My Rants- You've been warned lol

At some point tonight, I was sleepy. But it is now 2:30a.m. and I am not the least bit able to sleep. I am sleepy don't get me wrong but I just can't keep my eyes shut. This dog has my internal clock all screwed up lol. He'll be 3 months old in a few days, it feels like he is never going to age. Roger will be 8 years old in February, he still acts like a puppy hehe. He hates the new arrival, doesn't even want to look at him. But in time he will accept him in the house and all will be well.

School starts tomorrow, I can't say I'm excited. I feel like I just finished with the stress and drama of last semester's assignments. I am confident in my ability to do well, I broke my slump and am back in the good grades game... wow that sounded so fruity lol.

I am glad though that I won't have to see my friggin cousin for a while. He is annoying and obnoxious and frankly I can't stand him. He is 13, weighs about 89 pounds, he looks like a troll, he thinks he deserves everything because he is him, pero no tiene nada en que caerse muerto. He is pissing me off lately. Like yesterday he comes into my room to play with my puppy, he keeps grabbing him by the snout and shaking him and then Maximus gets exasperated and starts biting at anyone and anything. I told him to stop that. Then later I ask him to hold him for a sec and he said that it is a dirty animal and he won't touch him. Then today we went to outback and he decided that he wanted the most expensive thing on the menu, and I manipulated his little dumb brain into getting something cheaper, because his dumb ass has never set foot in a restaurant like that, his first choice was too big for him to eat, and he didn't even eat what he did end up ordering completely. He came home after that, and my puppy was crying and he starts yelling at him and saying that he is always whining and giving me an attitude. I've just about had it with his impudence, so I told him that he whines more than anyone in the house and his mom still loves him so he should just keep his mouth shut. His mom better not say shit to me, she has to teach her kid some fucking manners. For christmas my mom got him a cell phone and he looked at it like it was a piece of shit and didn't even say thank you. I told him that he couldn't use my xbox or my PS2 and he gave me an attitude so I told him that if he asks me one more time I will make it so he can't even watch TV in my house. My stupid aunt was in the basement the other day, and Roger was down there and I heard her yelling at him and saying that she was going to punch him. I DARE HER, I will have her kicked out of here so fast she won't even have time to find a box to live in.

Her ugly ass daughter decided to tell me that her grandfather and the family thought that my dad was a wuss because he listens to my mom. I turned around and told her that grandpa is a coward and no one to judge because he has beat the shit out of his wife and kids and my dad has never laid one finger on a woman. A man that takes care of his wife and listens and respects her is not a wuss, and the man that judges a man negatively for doing such things can't call himself a man. She couldn't say shit back.

I am tired of having people that I greatly dislike in my house. I didn't even have a say in the decision to bring them here. And everyone is frigging uncomfortable. I told them the day they invited my aunt over here not to bring her over here. I was beside myself. It's like I didn't even count. But now they know I was right and that bringing those people over here was a burden. They don't know how to appreciate anything. They are very ill educated people, sexist, emotionally stunted, selfish and hypocritical. My aunt says that hot bananas give her sinuses for heaven sakes! My cousin is dating someone because he is moving away. Steven thinks the world owes him everything. My grandpa is a selfish sexist bastard, who didn't even get past middle school.

We went to the movies with some of my sisters friends when Crystal was here. They all said they couldn't stand her. She didn't want to talk to anyone and treated them like they had ebola or something, like she was too good to talk to them. This bitch is even lucky she came along and they paid her movie ticket.

I'm tired of kissing people's asses because my dad feels bad when I show how I really feel. This is it. When Steven bothers me, I will not keep shut. When Titi Jackie steps past the line, I will put her in her place. She is a guest in this house and needs not impose and no one has asked her for her opinion anyway (she is a know-it-all, a lady who thinks bananas cause sinus pains... A lady who can't think of anything but criticizing my dad for being able to watch TV when he was little because he got good grades when she never was able to... WHY?! Because you got shitty grades bitch! It's only fair! Get the hell over it! Stop being jealous! GROW UP!) None of his family has noticed that out of 4 children, my dad is the only one with a house, good kids who know how to love and how to appreciate things they are given, a career, and a fulfilling life thus far. My aunt has lived in her parents house til recently (she is 46!) She married a bum, got divorced, had another baby with some other guy that abandoned her and the baby, and since then has decided to live vicariously through my cousin who is a flat chested, flat ass, FUGLY girl incapable of showing affection or friendship with little or no personality.

I'm not going to entertain them anymore or spend time with people who make my blood pressure go beyond healthy levels. I miss my baby I'll be with him!

UGH! I have to stop ranting, I have a headache. I just needed to vent. Good Night