Making Sense

Oh goodness... This week has been a LONG one. I think a lot... I guess that's obvious... And after talking to Mike, and reading Vani's post... I've only become more pensive...

My dad has taught me that in life, there are very rarely opportunities. Good opportunities, that will enable us to succeed and pursue the things we want... Opportunities. I guess the only hard part is learning to see them, to recognize them when we encounter them. I may have my ups and downs with mom and dad. I'm a very free spirited and strong willed person. I like to fly and my pace in life has always been fast. I'm not a late bloomer. This, I am noticing, is the root of all my conflicts with my parents. They didn't want me to grow up too fast, I guess they understood that childhood is a wonderful time in life and that its important to hold onto some of that carefree state before entering the harsh world we must face as adults... I don't blame them for it. I respect them for it, because they've only been trying to protect me all along. Even from myself. It's been hard to establish a sense of independent identity... My own values, beliefs, my own way of doing things. But slowly and steadily, I've been getting there. I'm growing up. I'm achieving everything I've sought out to. It's not easy.

It's been slow change. For all my life I've never been able to talk to them as I have now. I've never told them what I think about the way the past has shaped my life, the way their actions good and bad have shaped the person that I am. I've told them what I want, cleared misconceptions. I'm showing them the real me. There have been some arguments along the way. But I'm satisfied. Their efforts show. They are giving me space, respecting my desires, my decisions. They are letting go of my reins and allowing me to hold them on my own. Mom and dad's only fault, has been their desire to protect me and help me be better. I can't ask more of them. They are finally listening. And I have learned to make myself heard and understood.

I have no doubt in them anymore. I have no fear. No reason to hide or lie. They would never hurt me or disrespect my decisions. They trust in my judgment of right and wrong... This is what I wanted... They seem like scary people, but really... they aren't. Not once you open your eyes and see what they are really trying to do.

Opportunities... I was thinking about this for a while. Maybe he can stay here at home... School here's cheaper than at mason. I can be there for him, we can be together. Mom and dad do like you baby... They suggested this to me before I said anything to them. I never thought they'd do this... There are rules in this house, that is for the best... This is why I know it will be ok... They will embrace you as part of this family... Have no problem giving you a hand to visit home when you feel homesick. You won't have to pay rent or anything... Mom and dad would not offer this if they couldn't provide a good and safe environment for us...

It sounds so wonderful to me when I say it like that... But I feel bad thinking about your dad... wondering if he will be mad at me too... Wondering if you'll be happy here without V and C. Wondering if my desire to have you here is selfish and if you'll be angry at me one day for asking you to come here. And suddenly... I feel stuck again.

The truth is, I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss you so much. I feel lonely and hate thinking that you do too. I think rationally that it doesn't have to be now. We don't have to so drastically take important decisions like these... I know this... There is a time for everything... Right now is just not. But knowing this does not ease my sadness like I want it to.

I don't want to hurt you just because I'm becoming anxious...

I know he'd be broken hearted too V... I know he'd think of you all the time and feel sad that he's far away. I know that he needs you guys now. I know you adore him, and he adores you... I love him very much. I'd do anything for him, anything to know he's ok and happy. I haven't been able to spend much time with you guys... But I have come to love you guys too. To hope and pray for good things for all of you like you're my family too, and to want to be able to some day offer anything I can if anyone ever needed help or anything at all... The last thing I want is to hurt anyone. I don't want to be selfish. One day we'll know when the time is right. Now doesn't have to be the time I know. I just wish it would get easier as time went by, rather than more difficult to bear.

Thank you for your words. They really made sense to me and eased my tension lol. I smiled when I read them and understood a lot. A smile after this week was something I really needed :)