Up she goes, to the highest cloud, to the sweetest dreams, to the warmth of the summer days she'd known in her childhood years.
A smile... so many voices reach out for her aknowlegdment yet she cannot listen, she's drifted miles from reality into the sweet memories of her past.
A lullaby... in mama's arms distracted by the softness of her love, distracted from her older sister's cries, oblivious to her pain, blinded by the shades of innocence.
A distant glance... her eyes sparkle as she remembers the way papa gently brushed her hair and called her his little princess, his precious angel, his baby for always, while her baby brother sat alone across the room, longing for a loving glance, a word of affection, the attention his older sister unknowingly stole from him.
Nostalgic sigh... she laughs and recalls the day they called her a young lady. Alarmed she ran to her brother, then to mommy, saving her sister from the beating she 'd have gotten in a few seconds. Shifting the negative attention sis was receiving to positive for herself. Commotion and emotion, and once again, sis crying because of the undeserved insults mom and dad threw at her that night. Still this young lady ignorant to the harsh moments her siblings went through each day.
A sudden frown... A few years later, she too became acquainted with the painful words and treatment her mother ruthlessly imposed on her brother and sister. She sat on her bed, rubbing the bruises on her legs, arms and back. Too afraid to cry, to speak, to even look at her mother who yelled obscenities so loud the neighbors could hear.
An icy tear... A few more years later, after countless beatings, harsh punishments, words, threats and tears... mother has drastically changed, occasionally losing her calm when she didnt take her pills, occasionally attempting to end herself in a selfish attempt to escape the disease she thought only tormented her.
A constant battle... She holds a weak understanding of the demon in her mother. She knows the treatment she endured so often in the past, and still once in a while, was not intentional. Mama was sick, she didnt know what she was doing. She didnt know how much she was hurting us. Mama was sick. I am no one to judge. I cannot stay angry at her. Although at times I blame her for not trying to change, deep inside I know it is no fault of her own. She loves me with all her heart, and I her. Though she does not believe I do.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
March 06
March ALREADY! Time flies, my my... I think my fear of a bug just inspired me to write lol. I was sitting at my desk by my window in my room... And thru my blinds and curtains I saw the outline OF A HUGE BUG, whose breed I know not.... I thought it was inside and almost started a commotion! lol, This fear of insects and spiders, I will never out-grow it.
Yesterday I went and go an eye exam, determined that at 18 I am going blind, and got my first pair of glasses... They make me look like such a dork lol! I am near-sighted now.
I have so much homework but for reasons I cannot encounter I have slacked off on my school work miserabley! I have been absent from cultural anthropology like 9 times... Am catching up of work for humanities, I dont read or study for art appreciation, and math is the only class I am up to date with even though I am late every single day *except for one day* this semester. I just feel so tired all the time, and I have no idea why I keep chosing classes at 8 in the morning! I am most definately not a morning person...
So I am going to try to charm my teach into letting me turn in some work late for a late grade... Ima do the extra credit... and Im going to start studying and doing what I have to do, cuz I still have time to remediate my course of action............
Mom is coming back on friday, from PR... She seems rejuvenated. She has been on a diet and is down from nearly 300 lbs to 211. She eats right, exercises, gets off the damn bed for once. I think mom needs parents more than she needs children and a husband. Cuz I am sure that when she comes back we will be the ones cooking for her, cleaning, and nagging her to keep up with her diet. I am so much like her, jeez I have to get my act in order because I dont want to set my mind to something one minute and change it the next day, for the rest of my life.
She keeps asking if we miss her. I think in a way I do, but in a greater way, I am fretting her being back and me having to spend 5 hours a day to cook and clean for her. She is like a child... I love her but she is sooo hard to take care of.
Mom. it seems, is going to keep me from going to VA any time soon seeing as tho in less than 6 months I have been there twice. It is going to be so damn hard to be stuck here and not be with my baby, even tho now I get to see him every day :D Technology is such a wonderful thing.
Then there is my teddy bear gone missing... The post office here in TN really sux... How long could it possibley take to deliver a package from VA to TN! 3 days is all it should be not 8 days! I am going to find the post office and give them a nice piece of my mind!
My sis never calls me anymore. She has changed so much. She doesnt tell me anything anymore, she doesnt share with me anymore. Who knows if she really did break up with that boyfriend of hers. He is selfish and I dont like him. I feel like she is going to wind up marrying him because she hasnt found anyone else... She doesnt even love him I know it. Her relationship with that guy does not compare in any way to mine and my baby's, even though we are all different. But those 2 have no chemistry and have no excitement in their eyes. He is not as articulate as she is, for that matter, he is less articulate than I am. He cannot provide her with much. And putting aside all of those things- I REPEAT-> the love she feels for him is more like that of a best friend... Not more than that. She feels sorry for him because she knows his past and what not... That girl doesnt know what she wants.
Jorge and his little "I met her on the net" relationship.... I dont know what to think about that. I mean the girl is a trouble maker, a drunk.... She has never met him face to face.... I dont trust the girls he chooses. They use him and throw him out. But I cant judge because I have done my share of dumb shit before. I dont really know her and I cant say whether she is a good person for him or not.... She talks to him everyday, for loooong periods of time. She calls him all the time. She makes him smile... Maybe she is ok. I just wish he would stop lying about her to mom and dad. Thats how I got into trouble. He doesnt need to lie about her because he is allowed to date and mom and dad trust him. There was no need to say that he met her at Lee rather than on the net... Or tell dad that her "friend" had an infection somewhere :O, when it was really her mom. Now dad thinks that it was her with the infection and dad thinks she is a slut.... He is burying himself up with his stupid lies...
Thats that.... Life up til now.... I hope ur all chillaxin and enjoying today :) lots ov love =0)~
Zuli-signin' out............
Yesterday I went and go an eye exam, determined that at 18 I am going blind, and got my first pair of glasses... They make me look like such a dork lol! I am near-sighted now.
I have so much homework but for reasons I cannot encounter I have slacked off on my school work miserabley! I have been absent from cultural anthropology like 9 times... Am catching up of work for humanities, I dont read or study for art appreciation, and math is the only class I am up to date with even though I am late every single day *except for one day* this semester. I just feel so tired all the time, and I have no idea why I keep chosing classes at 8 in the morning! I am most definately not a morning person...
So I am going to try to charm my teach into letting me turn in some work late for a late grade... Ima do the extra credit... and Im going to start studying and doing what I have to do, cuz I still have time to remediate my course of action............
Mom is coming back on friday, from PR... She seems rejuvenated. She has been on a diet and is down from nearly 300 lbs to 211. She eats right, exercises, gets off the damn bed for once. I think mom needs parents more than she needs children and a husband. Cuz I am sure that when she comes back we will be the ones cooking for her, cleaning, and nagging her to keep up with her diet. I am so much like her, jeez I have to get my act in order because I dont want to set my mind to something one minute and change it the next day, for the rest of my life.
She keeps asking if we miss her. I think in a way I do, but in a greater way, I am fretting her being back and me having to spend 5 hours a day to cook and clean for her. She is like a child... I love her but she is sooo hard to take care of.
Mom. it seems, is going to keep me from going to VA any time soon seeing as tho in less than 6 months I have been there twice. It is going to be so damn hard to be stuck here and not be with my baby, even tho now I get to see him every day :D Technology is such a wonderful thing.
Then there is my teddy bear gone missing... The post office here in TN really sux... How long could it possibley take to deliver a package from VA to TN! 3 days is all it should be not 8 days! I am going to find the post office and give them a nice piece of my mind!
My sis never calls me anymore. She has changed so much. She doesnt tell me anything anymore, she doesnt share with me anymore. Who knows if she really did break up with that boyfriend of hers. He is selfish and I dont like him. I feel like she is going to wind up marrying him because she hasnt found anyone else... She doesnt even love him I know it. Her relationship with that guy does not compare in any way to mine and my baby's, even though we are all different. But those 2 have no chemistry and have no excitement in their eyes. He is not as articulate as she is, for that matter, he is less articulate than I am. He cannot provide her with much. And putting aside all of those things- I REPEAT-> the love she feels for him is more like that of a best friend... Not more than that. She feels sorry for him because she knows his past and what not... That girl doesnt know what she wants.
Jorge and his little "I met her on the net" relationship.... I dont know what to think about that. I mean the girl is a trouble maker, a drunk.... She has never met him face to face.... I dont trust the girls he chooses. They use him and throw him out. But I cant judge because I have done my share of dumb shit before. I dont really know her and I cant say whether she is a good person for him or not.... She talks to him everyday, for loooong periods of time. She calls him all the time. She makes him smile... Maybe she is ok. I just wish he would stop lying about her to mom and dad. Thats how I got into trouble. He doesnt need to lie about her because he is allowed to date and mom and dad trust him. There was no need to say that he met her at Lee rather than on the net... Or tell dad that her "friend" had an infection somewhere :O, when it was really her mom. Now dad thinks that it was her with the infection and dad thinks she is a slut.... He is burying himself up with his stupid lies...
Thats that.... Life up til now.... I hope ur all chillaxin and enjoying today :) lots ov love =0)~
Zuli-signin' out............
