I just want you to hvae more than just a life of wondering if you can afford to go to the docotr. I just want you to be ahappy and feel accopmlishe.d I just want you to realize, I mean, really realize that your future startsn ow and you are theo nly one who can build that. That I want you to feel accomplished and proud of yourself.
I want so much for you.
So don't be mad at me antmore ok? Don't be amd at me for believeing in you. If I hurt you I didnt' mean to. THere's so much I want to say, but I just hope it doesn't come out wrong or it makes sense. I need you to be ok for you, and for me too. I can't do oit alone.
I love you... I love you.
<3 Someone who cares, loves and adores you with everything she has......
Me <3
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
This Is How I Know.
After much contemplation and procrastination, I've done it. Today was my first day in therapy. My psychologist is a very nice lady. I must admit I was really scared before I went in, but then I went in and I just couldn't shut up. I talked and talked... I watched her write things about me in her notebook. I wonder what she wrote. I wish I could see.
But I guess when you have time to explain the things you feel to a perfect stranger, and she listens and asks you questions and makes observation.... Your life suddenly starts unraveling into little bits that slowly make sense... Yes, my life is one big blob of drama lol.
I keep thinking of how I'd stand up for my four years with him. Four years they didn't know about not because I didn't want to tell them, but because they refused to be a part of it. I was afraid that they'd shoot so many things at me that I wouldn't be able to argue with and overcome... but it's not so hard. It's not because I have a good man.
I have what I've always wanted... And what they've always wanted for me.
He loves me. He loves me when I'm crazy, when I'm sad, when I'm needy, when I'm a downright pain in the ass. He loves me when I'm doing well, and he loves me when I'm not. He takes all of me and doesn't run away when I'm not at my best. He's taken the time to know me. To figure out what makes me smile, what makes me cry. To understand what I need and what I want. To let me know him. He will take care of me any way he can. They should be thankful for him, because he was my support when I needed some. He kept me in one piece. He did that for me when they couldn't. I want to take care of him too. So let me. The decision is made... Whether they support me or not, it's their problem. I have been half alive all these years. 16 years old for 4 years, and I'm tired.
NO, I'm not a child anymore. And YES I am entitled to living my own life as an adult now, without mind games, manipulation and threats. You are my parents, love me for who I am. Support me in my decisions. Be proud that I can make it on my own. Support me even if you don't agree with me, because it's my life and I'm tired of living the one you've chosen for me.
And that's it. That's all I have to say. They are a force to recon with...
But, so am I.
But I guess when you have time to explain the things you feel to a perfect stranger, and she listens and asks you questions and makes observation.... Your life suddenly starts unraveling into little bits that slowly make sense... Yes, my life is one big blob of drama lol.
I keep thinking of how I'd stand up for my four years with him. Four years they didn't know about not because I didn't want to tell them, but because they refused to be a part of it. I was afraid that they'd shoot so many things at me that I wouldn't be able to argue with and overcome... but it's not so hard. It's not because I have a good man.
I have what I've always wanted... And what they've always wanted for me.
He loves me. He loves me when I'm crazy, when I'm sad, when I'm needy, when I'm a downright pain in the ass. He loves me when I'm doing well, and he loves me when I'm not. He takes all of me and doesn't run away when I'm not at my best. He's taken the time to know me. To figure out what makes me smile, what makes me cry. To understand what I need and what I want. To let me know him. He will take care of me any way he can. They should be thankful for him, because he was my support when I needed some. He kept me in one piece. He did that for me when they couldn't. I want to take care of him too. So let me. The decision is made... Whether they support me or not, it's their problem. I have been half alive all these years. 16 years old for 4 years, and I'm tired.
NO, I'm not a child anymore. And YES I am entitled to living my own life as an adult now, without mind games, manipulation and threats. You are my parents, love me for who I am. Support me in my decisions. Be proud that I can make it on my own. Support me even if you don't agree with me, because it's my life and I'm tired of living the one you've chosen for me.
And that's it. That's all I have to say. They are a force to recon with...
But, so am I.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Every Night
I don't know how to rate this year. So far I'm afraid of what's to come.
I've always wanted to grow up so fast, to get things done so that I can do the things I dream of. So that I can go home. And I still do. Only I didn't realize that growing up was so painful. I see things now around me that make me hurt. I feel the pain of those I love, and it wounds me. I feel like my writings are repetitive, but I just don't know how else to handle this uselessness. I can do nothing to help...
Every tomorrow is even more eerie than the next. I feel uneasy. I'm in an unstable state of mind, and the slightest breeze pushes me closer to the edge. How can anyone depend on such a vulnerable person? Everyone around me sees how weak I am. How ironic. I thought once, that I could take ANYTHING on.
All I can do now, is pray. So I will send up my prayers every single night. I will pray for everyone to be all right. I will pray for the sun to shine, and the clouds to disappear. I will pray for the bad times to fade quickly, and for endurance. I will pray. So even if tomorrow seems dark, I will light a candle and hope that those I pray for find the light I've wished upon them. I will pray that I can find means to facilitate their journey through the storm.
I've always wanted to grow up so fast, to get things done so that I can do the things I dream of. So that I can go home. And I still do. Only I didn't realize that growing up was so painful. I see things now around me that make me hurt. I feel the pain of those I love, and it wounds me. I feel like my writings are repetitive, but I just don't know how else to handle this uselessness. I can do nothing to help...
Every tomorrow is even more eerie than the next. I feel uneasy. I'm in an unstable state of mind, and the slightest breeze pushes me closer to the edge. How can anyone depend on such a vulnerable person? Everyone around me sees how weak I am. How ironic. I thought once, that I could take ANYTHING on.
All I can do now, is pray. So I will send up my prayers every single night. I will pray for everyone to be all right. I will pray for the sun to shine, and the clouds to disappear. I will pray for the bad times to fade quickly, and for endurance. I will pray. So even if tomorrow seems dark, I will light a candle and hope that those I pray for find the light I've wished upon them. I will pray that I can find means to facilitate their journey through the storm.
