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In my dream I fell into a silver horizon and encountered clarity beyond that which my eyes could ever behold. Forever will they remain dormant and will my heart know the glory of the soul that awoke my love and lay my shallow eyes to sleep. Your love is a sweet descent into my dreams and my heart is forever yours to hold.
Happy Anniversary Love <3
Oh goodness... This week has been a LONG one. I think a lot... I guess that's obvious... And after talking to Mike, and reading Vani's post... I've only become more pensive...
My dad has taught me that in life, there are very rarely opportunities. Good opportunities, that will enable us to succeed and pursue the things we want... Opportunities. I guess the only hard part is learning to see them, to recognize them when we encounter them. I may have my ups and downs with mom and dad. I'm a very free spirited and strong willed person. I like to fly and my pace in life has always been fast. I'm not a late bloomer. This, I am noticing, is the root of all my conflicts with my parents. They didn't want me to grow up too fast, I guess they understood that childhood is a wonderful time in life and that its important to hold onto some of that carefree state before entering the harsh world we must face as adults... I don't blame them for it. I respect them for it, because they've only been trying to protect me all along. Even from myself. It's been hard to establish a sense of independent identity... My own values, beliefs, my own way of doing things. But slowly and steadily, I've been getting there. I'm growing up. I'm achieving everything I've sought out to. It's not easy.
It's been slow change. For all my life I've never been able to talk to them as I have now. I've never told them what I think about the way the past has shaped my life, the way their actions good and bad have shaped the person that I am. I've told them what I want, cleared misconceptions. I'm showing them the real me. There have been some arguments along the way. But I'm satisfied. Their efforts show. They are giving me space, respecting my desires, my decisions. They are letting go of my reins and allowing me to hold them on my own. Mom and dad's only fault, has been their desire to protect me and help me be better. I can't ask more of them. They are finally listening. And I have learned to make myself heard and understood.
I have no doubt in them anymore. I have no fear. No reason to hide or lie. They would never hurt me or disrespect my decisions. They trust in my judgment of right and wrong... This is what I wanted... They seem like scary people, but really... they aren't. Not once you open your eyes and see what they are really trying to do.
Opportunities... I was thinking about this for a while. Maybe he can stay here at home... School here's cheaper than at mason. I can be there for him, we can be together. Mom and dad do like you baby... They suggested this to me before I said anything to them. I never thought they'd do this... There are rules in this house, that is for the best... This is why I know it will be ok... They will embrace you as part of this family... Have no problem giving you a hand to visit home when you feel homesick. You won't have to pay rent or anything... Mom and dad would not offer this if they couldn't provide a good and safe environment for us...
It sounds so wonderful to me when I say it like that... But I feel bad thinking about your dad... wondering if he will be mad at me too... Wondering if you'll be happy here without V and C. Wondering if my desire to have you here is selfish and if you'll be angry at me one day for asking you to come here. And suddenly... I feel stuck again.
The truth is, I feel like I'm going crazy. I miss you so much. I feel lonely and hate thinking that you do too. I think rationally that it doesn't have to be now. We don't have to so drastically take important decisions like these... I know this... There is a time for everything... Right now is just not. But knowing this does not ease my sadness like I want it to.
I don't want to hurt you just because I'm becoming anxious...
I know he'd be broken hearted too V... I know he'd think of you all the time and feel sad that he's far away. I know that he needs you guys now. I know you adore him, and he adores you... I love him very much. I'd do anything for him, anything to know he's ok and happy. I haven't been able to spend much time with you guys... But I have come to love you guys too. To hope and pray for good things for all of you like you're my family too, and to want to be able to some day offer anything I can if anyone ever needed help or anything at all... The last thing I want is to hurt anyone. I don't want to be selfish. One day we'll know when the time is right. Now doesn't have to be the time I know. I just wish it would get easier as time went by, rather than more difficult to bear.
Thank you for your words. They really made sense to me and eased my tension lol. I smiled when I read them and understood a lot. A smile after this week was something I really needed :)
Things seem to be getting more and more complicated. Rather than lightening the load on my shoulders, my latest decisions have made everything more cumbersome. I've been thinking endlessly. What could I be doing wrong? What am I doing wrong.
They are concerned about me... About Jorge too. Sometimes it seems like their only expectations for me and my siblings are irresponsibility. Getting pregnant, ruining my life. I guess it's normal for parents to fear such events. They've spent 21 years trying to prevent such things from happening. To them, we are like loaded guns.
I can't help but be angry at life. I'm angry because I've been waiting for so long it seems. I've been waiting for years to be with him. Years... How much longer must we wait, I keep asking whoever is listening. I want everything now. I want to take care of him. Those things seem so far away. When will someday come?
They told me I could so I asked... Can I go see him in December? They looked at me like I was crazy. It is inappropriate they said. It is wrong. What would his father think? I got mad when they said that... But I remember asking him, what would your dad would think about me... He said nothing... But I don't know... How could he not though? I don't know.
They have no problem with you coming over here. You can come as many times as you want. But being in their house even without you makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps because I'm always fighting with them about things like this. They said they'd pay your way if you wanted to come over in December... The difference between me going over there and you coming over here is that they are watching us here... Permanent chaperons... But damn... Is there an age limit for that? From a legal stand point, I could technically say, " I can do whatever I want" but from realistic stand points, I live in their house, I can't take care of myself right now... I have to respect their rules." All I want is to feel normal... I want to be able to spend time with him without being afraid that my parents are going to humiliate me... All I want is for them to forget about they're dirty minds and realize that if that were the nature of my relationship with him, then the distance would have killed it long ago. That the times I've spent with him in these years have been the most happy ones in my life, and they can't blame me for wanting to feel that all the time. I want them to realized that when he is gone, I feel lonely all the time, and I could have all the friends in the world, but none of them could make me feel as happy as he does. Because I close my eyes and remember little things, like getting chased by a crazy horse... Or walking to Mcdonalds in 25 degree weather and missing the metro bus a bunch of times... lol even making hot dogs at 9pm and arguing the proper way to make them LOL.
I guess I'm at a crossroads... Trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. What is reasonable and what is not. Trying to figure out what I can do to be near him... This distance is not fair anymore. I think we deserve to be together now...
Maybe I'm ranting right now... But something has to alleviate the way I feel lately. Because I thought telling mom and dad would make things easier... Like they'd see how much pain I'm in and fix it. But I don't let them see how I feel, I can't. Because my feelings to them are immature endeavors, things I control and do on purpose. I thought they'd know how hard this is and help me find a way to make it better...
Something has got to give. Because I don't want to feel this pain in my chest like a have a boulder keeping me from breathing. Because I don't want to wake up anymore with tear marks and dark circles under my eyes...
The judges of this year's Miss Universe contest were LAME! Tali (Colombia) is clearly the more beautiful candidate... plus the world has not seen her nipple, (if you can find Venezuela's oopsy LOL.)
Plus it is not hard to be that skinny in a country like venezuela... I know from experience LOL!
OK. So this is my plan for graduation. I obviously have a lot of work ahead of me. This isn't counting this semester. But I think this is ok. The career pays well financially and in a sense of fulfillment. I'm pretty excited about this major. I never felt quite this motivated, though I am not ready to go back to school in 5 days lol. Well anyway. Thought I'd post this.
