Daily Anxiety Attacks.

Things seem to be getting more and more complicated. Rather than lightening the load on my shoulders, my latest decisions have made everything more cumbersome. I've been thinking endlessly. What could I be doing wrong? What am I doing wrong.

They are concerned about me... About Jorge too. Sometimes it seems like their only expectations for me and my siblings are irresponsibility. Getting pregnant, ruining my life. I guess it's normal for parents to fear such events. They've spent 21 years trying to prevent such things from happening. To them, we are like loaded guns.

I can't help but be angry at life. I'm angry because I've been waiting for so long it seems. I've been waiting for years to be with him. Years... How much longer must we wait, I keep asking whoever is listening. I want everything now. I want to take care of him. Those things seem so far away. When will someday come?

They told me I could so I asked... Can I go see him in December? They looked at me like I was crazy. It is inappropriate they said. It is wrong. What would his father think? I got mad when they said that... But I remember asking him, what would your dad would think about me... He said nothing... But I don't know... How could he not though? I don't know.

They have no problem with you coming over here. You can come as many times as you want. But being in their house even without you makes me uncomfortable. Perhaps because I'm always fighting with them about things like this. They said they'd pay your way if you wanted to come over in December... The difference between me going over there and you coming over here is that they are watching us here... Permanent chaperons... But damn... Is there an age limit for that? From a legal stand point, I could technically say, " I can do whatever I want" but from realistic stand points, I live in their house, I can't take care of myself right now... I have to respect their rules." All I want is to feel normal... I want to be able to spend time with him without being afraid that my parents are going to humiliate me... All I want is for them to forget about they're dirty minds and realize that if that were the nature of my relationship with him, then the distance would have killed it long ago. That the times I've spent with him in these years have been the most happy ones in my life, and they can't blame me for wanting to feel that all the time. I want them to realized that when he is gone, I feel lonely all the time, and I could have all the friends in the world, but none of them could make me feel as happy as he does. Because I close my eyes and remember little things, like getting chased by a crazy horse... Or walking to Mcdonalds in 25 degree weather and missing the metro bus a bunch of times... lol even making hot dogs at 9pm and arguing the proper way to make them LOL.

I guess I'm at a crossroads... Trying to figure out what is right and what is wrong. What is reasonable and what is not. Trying to figure out what I can do to be near him... This distance is not fair anymore. I think we deserve to be together now...

Maybe I'm ranting right now... But something has to alleviate the way I feel lately. Because I thought telling mom and dad would make things easier... Like they'd see how much pain I'm in and fix it. But I don't let them see how I feel, I can't. Because my feelings to them are immature endeavors, things I control and do on purpose. I thought they'd know how hard this is and help me find a way to make it better...

Something has got to give. Because I don't want to feel this pain in my chest like a have a boulder keeping me from breathing. Because I don't want to wake up anymore with tear marks and dark circles under my eyes...