Lettin out the steam...

OK, so what a fucking day! I woke up early as hell. 5:30 (not a morning person at all)... I chased my escape dog down the street. Painted part of my sister's house. Stayed there alone all day. Watched stupid TV shows.

I hate not being in school with my baby!!! Fucking bitches hit on him too much and I cant do anything about it from here. I feel so fucking useless. I guess Im just not used to holding back. Im used to protecting my possessions and loved ones. I like the respect of others and it makes me crazy to know that there are ppl out there who dont know how to respect a relationship, and much less, make sure first hand that the person that they're interested in is available before making a move.

Then there is my sister and her friend. Her friend is very dominant and manipulative, she likes to controll Yadi. She helps her only to look after her own interests. She takes care of my sis when she is sick, cleans her apartment. BUT... She demands to know my sisters every move, she wants to be by her 24/7. If my sister doesnt allow her to do as she wishes, she plays her fucking mind games. She guilts my sister using the "favors"she has done for her to do so. She tells my sister that she needs her. My sister cant even stand her anymore. She is so fucking sticky. She needs to get a life. Leave my sister alone. Get a boifriend or something damnit! She says thay they are sisters. That pisses my sister off. Half of the things that this girl says and demands from my sister I would never. So who the hell does she fucking think she is?! Grow the fuck up. Lose that dependence YOU have on my sister. Because my sister DOESNT need you! Give her room to breathe, leave her alone. My sister is such a pushover. If I were in her place, I would send her to hell. What the hell does my sister owe her? Why the hell does she need to report her every move to her? A caso eres su madre?! Maldita sea largate, y dejala en paz carajo! Look at her, a 23 year old, walking around with a baby blanket everywhere she goes, smothering the shit out of my sister. Are you lesbian? Do you have a crush on my sister?! Do you not notice how much you exasperate her? They are always fighting. A friendship does not consist of fights, but of understanding, a positive relationship. That is not what they have. The girl is jealous, and obsessive. OMG, I would never let someone walk all over me like that. Sometimes I think I was supposed to be the older sister. I take care of you so much... Ay hermanita, I love you...

I am better about the girls hittin on my baby, after all... ;) he is quite a catch. Hehe, I am just not used to not being able to stop something like that, thats all. Hehehe, Keep trying by all means. Hehe, it may annoy me, but in the end, I win. hehe, I love you baby.

A Wait For the Sun.

There were times when you hoped for the sun, you strived and continued on, nourishing your will with that hope. Rose beneathe ominous dark clouds, rose patiently waiting for sunshine. How does a rose surive in lack of sunlight? Dreams replaced the warmth the rose was missing. Day after day, a Daisy growing nearby sensed the longing of the rose. She observed the way he peered into the clouds, stubbornly waiting for a sun that would never come. The clouds diminished in the night, the moon looked down upon the Rose below. -Why do you not sleep as the other Roses do?- The moon inquired. She had watched him night after night, wide awake looking up into the sky. -I wait for the presence of the sun, I know she'll be returning soon. The moon understood the Rose's sleepless nights then and sadly replied -The sun said to me long ago, she would not return again. I have yet to know why, the sun will never shine again.- The Rose knew the moon was honest, and finally looked down at the ground. And he lost his hope, his dreams shattered and he lost his will, his vigor. Morning came and the Daisy awoke to find the Rose she grew so fond of sad and wilted. She couldnt force the sun to shine for him, she couldnt bring back the hope that nourished his will. She watched him wither that day. What could she do? She was but a useless Daisy. She could only watch him wither, and hope that he'd dream again.....

Through Your eyes

Blind to love I am,
Blind with open eyes,
The world's a gruesome place they say,
These eyes absorb the contrary.
Clearly I see love,
with open eyes I see true love,
Love a tyrant that demands,
friend who forgives and guides,
love a jewel, rare and fragile.
Blind I am to you,
Surrender to your will,
close my eyes and let you take me,
Lead me where you will.

Im So Lucky.

I find myself completely satisfied with life lately. Nothing bothers me, nothing saddens me. My thoughts are light and dreamy. I smile so much, haha Im on crack lately. I like to remember the good times, and Im learning to let go of the bad times. Suddenly my past seems soooooo far behind. I remember things I wish hadnt happened, but regret gets me nowhere. I want to prosper and move ahead. I look forward to tomorrow, and Im letting go of yesterday. No one can move ahead if they cling on to the past, and thats what I was doing. It was making me so unhappy. I have everything I need and want. Im so much more fortunate than so many other people. I have a home, a family, food, education, I get most of the things I ask for, I have love and friends. What more could I possibly want? I've got it made. Life will trully begin for me as soon as I graduate from college and find a career. Til then Ill just enjoy whats left of my childhood, and take life one day at a time. :)

P.S. -> I love you baby! :D

To lose a dream

Do you know what its like to lose something you thought you could never lose? Something you tried your hardest to take care of, to nurture and hold on to. Do you know how it feels when you're forced to wake from a dream you didnt want to ever let go of? To lie pensive in the dark wondering what caused it to leave? To fight your hardest to recover your dream? There is always a chance you'll never find it again, but you feel the hope that your dream will return to you. You believe that all will be forgotten and that you can only love your dream more after it's come back to you.

I was partially correct, my love for my dream intensifies, grows more every second that passes by. But then inside me lurks a fear, an insecurity that did not exist before the loss. There is an instability that follows my every heartbeat. I didnt suspect that my dream wanted to leave me this time, how will I know if it ever wants to leave again? How can I bear another loss like this one? Each moment I love you more and more, how can I take another loss? If I should lose you again, how am I to kill this love that's become the greatest part of me. This love that consumes my entire life. I learned that I cant keep my dream by my will only. I cant retain my dream. So how do I extinguish this worry, that lives always in my mind and only provokes cold memories, and troubles in my heart?

Beauty... Is it in the eye of the beholder? Who is the beholder?

I love having pictures taken. If I were taller, I would have wanted to be a model. I like to pose, I like to put on nice clothes, I try hard to stay fit, (although Im currently on a diet because Im overweight a bit).

My downfall, Im not a miss universe. I dont have that sharp, soft, beautiful face that the media promotes these days. Im not as thin as most celebrities. I have a plain kind of face, many wouldnt find me stunning.

There are days when I feel beautiful, and I walk around with such confidence. But then there are others when I feel soooo not beautiful. I look at my facial features. I like my eyes, my lips... Not too fond of the round shape of my face. My least liked feature, my nose. Here I am pointing out my flaws and insecurities. I think im not ugly, i just dont see myself as beautiful.

My parents think Im beautiful, but naturally they would, they are my parents. So what is beauty and who defines it. In these times, it is the media; trend setters that we follow. Singers, actors and actresses, famous people who we admire. *sigh, how did the world become so superficial? Why am I comparing myself to these strangers, to these celebrities?

Aloha bebz

Me

mE 

me 

Me Me Me Me and... thank you baby 

Sex offender data online

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7922988

Untitled

Difficult it is,
Defining your own thoughts,
More challenging it's been,
Encountering the thoughts of another,
The thirst to know, my instability,
It remains the shrill ghost that surrounds me.

Soul agrees with heart, its closest friend,
They whisper together indignantly,
Requesting the revelation of your secrets,
Demanding the truth written by your emotions,
Begging the liberation of your sentiments.

Best 18th day I've ever had...

So today I already started writing about today, it was real boring until now. I did some gardening at 9 am, then watched ALOT of TV. Talked online with mi bebe, and it got better. Then he told me about this surprise he made for me, and Id get it when I get online. It was this site. Its so beautiful. Im stunned, I love it. I couldnt even imagine what it was going to be. I cant stop looking at it, I feel so happy with it. When I saw it, I think I lost a breathe there, haha, it was such a wonderful surprise. So the day ended with undying smiles, and an incredibley happy little puerto rican girl. I LOVE YOU BABY! Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooo mucho! MUAH!

Zuli

TWSF... This Week So far.

Its been a good week so far, Monday was good, I went to Gainesville to Supertarget with my mom and grandma; but I didnt get to see my baby. I got a new pair of flip flops in black (which I cant seem to find today), I got a new bikini in pink and black (sexy ;) j/k), new earrings, and a nice day out. Good thing it was a nice day out, FINALLY, it helped me feel all lively. So I got home and called my baby, and then ate and the like. I watched 50 first dates, for the billionth time. On Tuesday I dont know what I did... Amnesia! But I do know I was thinking more than ever about him. My parents left this morning to the airport. They are house hunting in Tennessee for 10 days. So I feel like Im babysitting my grandmother. I am watching those shows where ppl scream at each other for cheating on each other and shit like that. Casos de Familia, Sala de Parejas, Laura, Caso Cerrado, all that shit. *sigh, this is going to be a long day. Well I'll write later. Buh bai.

Broken wings heal...

I cant stop writing in this blog and I dont want to. It is the sanctuary of my thoughts, my memories of us together. I got my life back yesterday. My heart is where it belongs, although bruised, but, what kind of love is always smiles, always happiness, never tears, or tests to strengthen the relationship. I just thank God again, for him. For his love, and hope it lasts, and continue to have this immense faith in him. I love you so much baby.

:|

This is the last post in this blog. I just cant write in here n e more. Starting a new one. Bai

(u)(u)(u)(u)(u)(

I cant figure out what to write, my mind is so full and empty both at once. I am listening to songs I once made fun of. The dramatic ones that describe the pains I feel rite now. They make so much sense now. So I write in here and erase what I write, and re-write. This blog, is always there for me. Its like a person, and she listens to me openly. I feel like I was crossing the street and didnt see the railroad tracks, the train hit me, it crushed me into tiny pieces, and there is no way to identify the body. Why does everyone keep asking me what's wrong? I wish they'd leave me alone. I just wanna be alone now. I dont want anything, I just wanna be alone. Why do they demand a smile, the only one I can give them is false. Why are those who know my situation convinced that I am so damn strong, because I can fool those who know nothing about it. Strength, Im missing it all. Im thinking of what Im going to do now. Go back to my old self? Find the attention of others, just to fill in the gaps for the day? Get the attention of those who do like me, and then put them down like I once did? Just trying to give my heart the illusion that I do have that which I once had. I cant do it. Im free, but Im not and I wont be. I read what he wrote so many times now, over and over again. The more I try to feel, the more I try to understand the less I know. What is it that took him from me. I see no concrete reason within his thoughts. Im writing so much, but words are just words. I see that now. Im shredding whats left of me, why cant I stop? Someone please make this go away. Take it away.

letter to the near past

OK I cant take it anymore, I feel myself tearing up and I need to let it out! There are so many questions in my mind! So many thoughts. More wishes than I ever had before. So I wrote a letter.

Dear you,

Do you remember when u tried to forget me? Do u remember remembering me? Do u remember our first kiss, the times we looked forward to seeing each other. Do u remember when u knew that u loved me? Do u know how much I risked for u, and still am willing to? Do u know how much it fills my heart when I hear ur voice, when I talk to u. Do u know how much I miss you. I've been missing u for a while, even before today, things were different in a way. Do u know that ur a part of my life, and its changing now, and I hurt. Dear you, did u know that I once believed that this would happen, and u assured me it wouldn't and took that fear away. How do I change my heart from love to friend? You know my every secret, I cant have them back now. I remember the first time I left you, I swore I'd never let u go. But here I am, trying to. I cant make u love me. Do u know how much its killing me to talk to u the way we have so far today. Youre my baby, and yet u cant be. I've hurt myself today so much more than what's happened, wondering if u just need a break, if the relationship was too serious. Thinking that ur free to hold and kiss another. Its breaking me apart. You care for me, what does that mean? What am I worth now? What took so long to build has been destroyed. I feel like it was never there. We never reached the sky, Im below the ground now. I see u up there so far. You dont believe in second chances. Its over now... Im dying little by little thinking that you will never be back. Friend. That's my label now. Im just another friend. What will I do without u baby? I love you so damn much. I love you so much, it hurts. U are the best part of my life. I am proud of many things in my life, but not as proud as I was to call u my own. I would never keep u by force. I would never want to make u unhappy. So what do I do now. I dont feel free. Im not free. Im imprisoned by thoughts and memories of u. By pain and sadness that overflow my spirit. Im so damn tired of this life. Of losing that which I hold dearest. I still have u, yet I dont. I dont think u will ever understand what I feel right now. I am so confused, lost, empty. No more, I cant think n e more. I have to rest.

*sigh :'(

What is love?

Love is an emotion. Not a paycheck. It is having faith that life will keep two people together, the same way it brought them together. It is respecting the one u love enough to let them decide if the life u lead is what they desire. It is growing up together, because even 60 year old people have growing to do.

What is life?

Life is an idea, that is and will always remain incomprehensible. It is only as complicated as one makes it. Life is not an obstacle, it is not an evil ghost out to destroy u, it is the path we take until we meet death. Life is a world alone, a planet with beautiful and harsh climates. It is a thought that will drive those out to figure into insanity. There is only one thing important in ur life, it is different for everyone.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I spoke to my sis today. She is trying to help me get a dorm at mason. I simply dont want to leave VA. She may even let me stay with her. I hope I can.

Well not in a writing mood n e more. ttyl

C()|\|F(_)$!()|\| & C|_@R!-|-Y

Open eyes... peering in the daylight,
Imprisoned mind... captured, slowly tortured.
Thoughts... the same painful repetition,

Hope; an idea loosely sustained inside me,
Faith; flame fighting the rain,
Strength; diminishing slowly,
Life; drownin my soul.

My shadows; inconspicuously lurking there beside you,
My wishes; waiting patiently to come true,
My dreams; bring me closer to you,
My life; takes me farther too.

Routine; poisoning your will,
Loneliness; pouring doubt into your mind,
Distance; wearing out certainty,
Love; eternal haven in which you'll find me

:'( crappy wednesday :')

So this week has been very eventful. On monday, I had no school, so I stayed home and helped my mom clean and take care of the casa. On tuesday, went to see my baby. on wednesday, well that day was hell. I woke up in the AM, to clean... Im getting used to cleaning in the morning now. Ate some breakfast. I had to take my dog to the vet, so I let him go potty and scooped up a nice disgusting sample of his droppings. IT WAS GROSS. We took him to the vet, he got a vaccine and blood drawn, and we left him there in doggy day care. *wow that rhymed. That pup is like a first baby for me, hehe. So we picked my bro up from school and went to the mattress store. There we bought a full sized bed, (frame, box frame, and mattress.) The mattress was really crappy. I suggested to my mother that we put it in my room and put the bed that is currently in there in the spare room, where my grandmother will be staying at from tonight, to three weeks. She gets here tonight at 9. ANYWAY, so my mom said yes. We went to get my sis at her job, she got out at 3:30, she also needed a new bed. She is 22, has her own apartment, and in it, a twin size bed. That isnt an adult size bed. So she bought a full too. We changed the one we bought earlier, to a much better quality one, and managed to get a discount. The man that was attending us was middle eastern, he had a huge ring on... ENGAGED. Now, men are dick heads, b/c the man asked my mother how old my sister and I were, and what we thought of him. ASS HOLE! that's what I think of you bastard.

We picked up the beds, the men putting the beds in the car accidentally gave us a third frame, so we took it and stayed shut, haha. Next step, was buying sheets. We spent a looooooooooong time at linens N things, and ended up getting a queen size set for my bed. How the hell did they NOT have full?! We went to my sis's house and put her bed up, and left at 6:50. Thats when it all started.

My mom told me to call my dad and tell him to pick my dog up from day care, he was supposed to be picked up at 7. My dad just gave ME one of his sarcastic remarks "good of u to tell me before hand". My mom lost it. She took the phone and started yelling at him for giving HER attitude. For giving HER lip. So he hung up. Then she told me we were going to put the bed in the spare room til my grams left. I protested, "but mom, we got the sheets to match my room, and why are we going to set the bed up in that room if later we have to move it to mine?"She lost it again, and started yelling and insulting me. "spoiled bitch, Im sick of you and ur fucking attitude!" When we got home my dad was watering the plants. She wanted him to stop that so he would take the bed up and set it up. He told her to wait, because he was tired. She started untying the bed and next thing I know, my dad tells her that she NEEDED to take her medication. This pushed her off the edge, and she freaked out and went upstairs and cried. Meanwhile, my dad and I took the bed off the car, and brought it up. He went to talk to her, kindly told her that he just wants to help her. That she is torturing herself and those around her by not taking her medicine. She yelled more, and told him that we were all giving him lip and we were all out to get her. She told us she would take ALL her pills and leave back to PR when my grams leaves in 3 weeks. She called my sis over, started making us seem like ass holes, and herself like a sweet innocent angel. She talked to my grams, everything was ok for a while. When my sis left, she decided to take her designated pills, but... ALL ON AN EMPTY STOMACHE. I tried to stop her, I was so pissed off.

So I left to my sister's house, packed and left. I cried as I drove, wondering... Why cant my mother be normal? Why is she always sick? Why wont she let us help? I have many things I have to deal with. First there is the unending guilt I carry in my conscience since exactly a year ago today. A year ago today, my ex left me. My mom discovered skeletons in my closet involving him. I was called names, and treated me like it was my fault that the world will end one day. THAT BAD. Then there is a pain I have to endure for the rest of my life, that hit me a week before my birthday. One that I dont care to, or feel strong enough to share. I know I havent been a good daughter, but damnit, I try my hardest. I have accomplished so much more than other teens my age. I finished High School in 3 1/2 years, not with a GED but with a diploma. I cook, I clean, I drive, I've worked, and I have passed my first semester of college. Im trying so hard to make her proud. What more can I do?! Why does she only see the negative in me? Why does she constantly tell me that I wont achieve my goals. That I wont finish college. That I wont be anyone in the future?

I find myself thinking I want to GO home, how can I go home, if Im already home? The house my parents provide for me and my bro... I dont consider that home. Im never home. I just want to go home. I wish my mom was ok, she never will be.

*sigh too much stress. well, I'll stop writing now, this post is too long... bai bai :')

Away for two days

The thought of being so far away from you makes me crazy. Ur in New York now, I miss you so damn much baby. Youve been gone for less than a day, it feels like a week. Talk about an over dramatic gurlfriend huh. I miss you all the time, but its hard not to talk to you for hours like I usually do, even when I just listen to u rappin on the phone.I wish I can convert the years in which I will be gone into 2 days... Waiting two days would be much easier. Maybe if I imagine that the time I will be gone will be only 2 days... 2 extremely looooong days. *sigh, I'll just have to bear with it. Ima stop writing now, I just hope I can talk to you tonight. I love you baby. I miss you.

B|_@#

Just tried to write, but I couldnt find any words. I just earned my first 3 college credits ever. I got a B in my IT class. Tomorrow is my final for English 111. Im very nervous. I dont even know what time it begins. If I call my teacher, she will talk for about 30 minutes about nothing. She will just repeat one idea over and over and over and over and over and over again, catch my drift? Im really tired, I miss my baby a lot. Why is it that the more times I see him, the more I miss him later on? *sigh... I have been thinking a lot about the last and only fight we've had. I'm just afraid that if something bothers him like that again one day, he will wait a long time to tell me. I hate the idea of thinking that everything is ok, that he is happy, when its not so. I just have to keep trusting that its all ok, trusting him. hehe, after all, there is no one I trust in more than him. Well, Im sick of writing now... Im in one of those blah kind of moods... Peace easy........

What was the purpose of this post again?! lol ADD

Ive noticed that as I grow older, time speeds by faster and faster. It feels like yesterday, I found out I was leaving. The house is up for sale now. This house is where my best and worse memories lay. The house I helped renovate. I worked hard to install the floors, to paint, to build, to perfect this house. This is the house where I spent time with my friends, where I spent days with my baby. It holds every kiss, every glance, every smile and laugh, every word. I've looked out my bedroom window every night before bed. This state holds my childhood, my early adulthood. I learned here that life is cruel and unfair. That life isnt a fairytale, and things arent always my way. I cant bend life to my will, yet I refuse to stop trying. Part of growing up is accepting that which you cannot change. I know that I am still growing, I have not learned how to accept. This is the state where I learned to drive. This is where life took my innocence. Where I became aware that people are not compassionate, they arent trustworthy, the majority are not what they appear to be. That they are only compassionate and kind when they benefit from another. I've been used, I've been fooled, I've been hurt. Here I have experienced pains and joys, and I have come to love the life I've lead up until now.

I have lost my high school friends and found that I can live without them although I do miss the fun times we shared. I have distant acquaintances in college, none which I will miss when I'm gone. I've learned that I do not need the support of many friends in order to thrive; nevertheless, there is always an exception. I am not anti-social, I love companionship and socializing. I simply dont rely on the company of many others, just the company of my baby, my truest and best friend, very rarely on my family.

Well, I cant remember what I was thinking a little while ago when I began writing this. ADD, hehe. Too many thoughts all at once. I'll write again when I remember, too tired. BaI bAi...

Tired of writing stories, postin life now ;)

May 1st 2005- METS @ Washington Nationals RFK, my first baseball game ever. It was incredible. First few innings kinda iffy there, Nats were in the lead. Mets caught up, tied the game, 3-3 until the last few innings. Cant remember if it was the bottom of the 8th or top of the 9th, we scored 3 runs over the Nats, in the lead 6-3. One injury in the game; A pitcher for the Nats caught Kaz Matsui's pinch-hit at the mound and fell and broke his right arm. My favorite player was there, # 31 Mike Piazza! Then there was #30 Cliff Floyd, Carlos Beltran (Boricua), Miguel Cairo, Jose Reyes, Looper. Haha, Im writing the entire team. Cant wait til next time! You gotta believe ;) LETS GO METS! :D

I only have 9 days left of school. Finals are through this week. Hello Hell ;). Anyway, I didnt have class today, LUCKY ME! Woke up at 8 tho to go to school, when i got there, the parking lot was empty. I was like. "what the hell?" hehe. No one was in class. Im about to do some homework. Doesnt that suck? LOL, j/k you gotta do what you gotta do....

Post Ya lAter. Much Love.

Me <3