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I cant figure out what to write, my mind is so full and empty both at once. I am listening to songs I once made fun of. The dramatic ones that describe the pains I feel rite now. They make so much sense now. So I write in here and erase what I write, and re-write. This blog, is always there for me. Its like a person, and she listens to me openly. I feel like I was crossing the street and didnt see the railroad tracks, the train hit me, it crushed me into tiny pieces, and there is no way to identify the body. Why does everyone keep asking me what's wrong? I wish they'd leave me alone. I just wanna be alone now. I dont want anything, I just wanna be alone. Why do they demand a smile, the only one I can give them is false. Why are those who know my situation convinced that I am so damn strong, because I can fool those who know nothing about it. Strength, Im missing it all. Im thinking of what Im going to do now. Go back to my old self? Find the attention of others, just to fill in the gaps for the day? Get the attention of those who do like me, and then put them down like I once did? Just trying to give my heart the illusion that I do have that which I once had. I cant do it. Im free, but Im not and I wont be. I read what he wrote so many times now, over and over again. The more I try to feel, the more I try to understand the less I know. What is it that took him from me. I see no concrete reason within his thoughts. Im writing so much, but words are just words. I see that now. Im shredding whats left of me, why cant I stop? Someone please make this go away. Take it away.