They fall by the millions, collecting into an ocean of icy melancholy. A storm fallen on one only, streaming through my safe of emotions, penetrating everything strong and resilient in my being. When will I look around and not see the pain overflowing in their vaults? When will their tempests cease? Worn out, weathered... Once I was a willful warrior, capable of overthrowing the reign of aches and hardships that surrounded my loved ones... The plague that's covered the world in bitterness and hopelessness. At a time in this life, I was indestructible. Ironically here I am, trying to keep afloat in a boat I thought was unsinkable. Here I am, emptying the rain, emptying the ocean from my small vessel. When did I stop knowing and being so sure? When did I bury my optimism?

What is tolerable and not? When am I wrong or right? What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss these questions around and suddenly, my self image is broken and I'm not sure if I'm the same person I was a few years back. I feel wounded. As if I'd been ignoring pain and fighting new pains as they came. As if it were layered inside me and the pressure of going forward became too much to bare.

What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss that question around only for a small while. How can I satisfy another if I can't keep myself afloat? I'm so dependent... So incapable of fending for my heart. I've resented where my life has lead me and desired so for a way back home. Home... What would I do without my home? What would I do if I didn't have a home to fight for anymore? Perhaps my dependency could cause the loss I so fear.

Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes i feel like sanity's jumped out the window. Maybe they were all right to look at me the way they do.

I have one prayer tonight. Please help me... I need my strength again. I need my will again. Though I've not lost my hope, I've lost something. Please help me find it again. I'd like to leave these doubts I have of my fortitude. I'd like my old self back. The self that could do anything. The self that could save the world... The self that could make a difference. Please.