At a Loss for Words

I've been speechless for days now. I feel like I'm in shock, hoping I don't wake up from this dream.

I didn't know it would be so hard just knowing the pain I predicted you'd feel. I'm hoping that I don't disappoint you, that I can make you happy. That I can fill that void and be what you expected. I find myself thinking of little things that I hope I can do to make you feel more at home. I know it's months away but here I am planning your room out, looking for ways to make a warm space for you, with all you need and want and a bit more in it. I find myself looking forward to spending time with you finally, without fearing the day you have to leave again. Without having to drive you away to the airport, wishing I could turn the car around and go back and hold you close just one more time before hundreds of days go by.

I've been praying for so long for this chance. Watching others hold hands and wishing I can give you mine to hold too. Hearing you when you're down, looking at your face when you're troubled and being mocked by the distance. Even listening to your cherished moments and not being able to take part in them with you. And one day I found the courage to relay my feelings publicly and doors opened, and you are no longer a shadow in my life, but the light that others see when I smile and prosper.

I read everything you all wrote about 5,000 times. I am overwhelmed by the words, by the thoughts. I am thankful for having been able to show you who I am, and share my dreams and deepest thoughts with you. And I'm thankful that you've let me into your worlds as well. You have made me feel welcome and familiar. I know he is dear to you just as a son is dear to a loving mother. For the first time he'll be far away and I know you will be worried. But I want to make you a promise. I will take care of him and keep him safe, and spoil him. I'll always be there for him and do my best for him. And I know he needs you too, and I'll make sure he can go home as much as possible and see everyone who makes his heart whole.

I think of all that's been said and I want to cry again. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me this way. It is rare in this world to find this. I'm nervous and overjoyed and looking forward to the future. I love you baby. Thank you so much. Remember that you can always count on me for anything ANYTHING you need.

I want to thank you again V and C for your trust and support. Thank you for being there for me too. I won't let you down.

I love you more than anything in this world baby.