Dreams As They Evolve

How many years ago now, did you meet her? Untarnished and full of life and dreams. Bold and beautiful in the ignorance of her youth.

Was it really me? Again in the mirror I gaze. I realize as each chapter breezes by I change and look back noting a different reflection of myself as time progresses.

And I can only remember as far back as you. When I met you. Who and how I was when I met you.

Smiling and carefree. Looking for a place for myself in the world. Looking ahead to who I wanted to be, where and doing what. Not knowing that in front of me stood the love of my life.

I always had a complex of some sort, I was never good enough in some way. But at the time, it wasn't hard to look into the eyes of those around me and see that I was gorgeous. And I was content in shallow ways to know that I was beautiful.

We grew nearby one another. You in your world, and I in mine. Your world to me yet remains a mystery. What, at the time were your ambitions, your endeavors or pains? To this day I do not know. And still it doesn't matter, though sometimes I wonder. There are many things I don't know about you still. I've always maintained a highly spirited sense of curiosity. I wanted and still want to know all about you.

I wasn't very deep at all at the time. My life still governed by the demands of my parents and the laws of the adult world. I could only impersonate the characteristics of an adult. In those times, instinctively as any juvenile, I searched for love. I dreamed of prince charming and the dress and the home and the family that seemed decades away.

So I discovered my charms, perhaps not as quickly as my other friends had a year or two before me. I learned to open doors and take the things I wanted while never giving anything back to repay the favors. I learned that men of that age were easy to manipulate. A little tear here, a giggle, some smart and witty remark that would spark a brief moment of attention.

Slowly and little by little you crept your way into my heart. A memory here and there. That one boy whose attention was just a bit harder to grasp. I couldn't see very much of you for a long time, and one day you opened up and allowed me to read more pages in your story. We shared our stories. Many stories. Some stories that I would never have shared with anyone else. That's sacred I think. Sharing something only with you.

And I revert back into my reflection today and know what you meant when I hurt you.

Sharing only with you. Still I know the only person I share pages with is you. No one has never and can never take that from you.

And this is how I know I'm tarnished. Am I still the girl you met that day? I'm not.

There are pieces of my heart so scarred by things that may seem to you minute. That at times make me fear that I will lose you yet again. I just can't change the fact that it's there in our story. I talk about it sometimes and I think you may be sick of it by now. Hearing the same things from me over and over. But the stories, of those times seem so incomplete to me. Just when I think I know what happened some ghost reveals itself to me and I encounter more painful details that I was oblivious to. And it's different not knowing all that happened during these moments when you were without me that not knowing what happened before me.

And the world around me shifts as well. All that I knew is unknown now. So many things have changed as I've grown.

I could say each day that I'm sorry. That I understand now that my actions reciprocated what I deserved. I felt outside myself... But I know that in the world that I'm in that doesn't matter. I always wanted to be perfect for you. Your eyes at one time didn't see me this way. And I know you too have changed. There is a place in my heart that hurts and this time it was my fault. I never want to hurt you in any way. Hurting you hurts me so.

I reread my reflection and feel my heart pounding in my chest heavily. I was once so bright and though I'm not engulfed in darkness yet, I see where time brought to me dim moments and I wish I can be again so bright.

My dreamed of decade is here. You've given me everything I ever dreamed of. My prince, my home, and a family of our own. Now my only wish is to never lose my dream.

I never want to lose you the way I've seen others lose their dreams. I wish I could express to you how desperately I wish this. Is this light in my womb ours if you are no longer with me one day?

I am not the girl I was. I've changed and I lost motivation. But I'm going to make this promise, I will be the best me I can be. Not only for our baby, but for you. One day our little one will make a home of his or her own. And I want to be the best me I can be so you're not afraid to be alone with me again. So you don't dread the shadowy remains of someone you once loved.