Dark and Twisty

Finally back to posting, as I can see things are really busy with everyone too. So many worries at a time, I feel so overwhelmed now... I can only imagine paying my own bills and having children and a real career and all the crazy shit that comes with all of that. Can I do it? I really hope so. I just didn't realize when I was busy dreaming of my own house, marriage, children, and career, that all of these things come with their own special prices. Still despite the fear of all that responsibility, as crazy as I might be, I look forward to those things.

Every time I think I'm a mature adult, I get to thinking and discover how much growing up I still have left to do. I come to notice that I am not street-smart... That I am very guarded and am more than capable of distinguishing situations that could result in harm to me, but that I have very little malice. I know how to run and I know how to hide, but when the shit hits the fan, my bark is worse than my bite. I'm not saying that there aren't people I'd like to bite, let me admit that, but I am not capable of hurting anyone... Not even if they've hurt me.

I feel so incapable of defending myself. I'd like to be more independent. I'd love to stop hiding behind other people. Maybe Jorge is right. I am not assertive enough. People run over me because I have such a passive attitude. People tell me I'm vulnerable and prone to danger because of my size and inexperience. I never believed it until now. Again, that whole "I'm Invincible" feeling I had once is fading.

I feel so nervous about this semester in school. I want to do so well. I want to pass. Tuition costs went up again. From 2344.00 to around 2533.00... WHAT THE HECK?! So I feel more pressure to do well, but am less confident in myself. I haven't done as well as I'd hoped to in school. I know I can, but when the moment comes, I choke. I feel like I owe sooo much to mom and dad. They've given us so much. They have their flaws, but they are great parents. I know I'm one of the lucky ones. I've never been denied anything I've wanted. Cars, school, new floors, pillow-top mattresses, crap I even have my own bathroom. I know sometimes I'm an ingrate... One day I'll be able to give them something in return too.

Mom and dad are such opposites. But for some reason, their relationship works. They love each other. Mom and dad only dated for a year before getting married. Just a year. It amazes me. I had told her that my friend Blanca has been with her boyfriend for over 4 years. She said today in the car, that young couples that have been in relationships for years since HS... Don't last long after marriage. She said that those relationships don't allow for the two involved to learn what's out there. That they find out later on that they've changed and that they're different.

I don't believe that. I have heard more about broken marriages that have been rushed into than broken marriages that took time to form. Actually I've never seen one that has been nurtured and developed and has failed as a marriage. My grandparents had feelings for each other since childhood, and look at them: 54 years. Mom got married to dad right after a divorce. She almost got cold feet the day of their wedding. I may be young but I have met and experienced other people. I've seen others get hurt and have been hurt my good share of times. And yes I do think that that helps us to understand what love is. But I think there are just no real rules for such things. Everyone is different. The success of a relationship depends on a couple's willingness to compromise, stick together, and fight for each other.

I have a positive outlook on life. My heart constantly tells me that no matter what comes my way, everything will be alright. That as long as a person believes that good will come and doesn't give up hoping and has faith, that everything will be alright for them. Even when those hopes are let down. It's strange that I do believe such things, as I am prone to depression, I feel sad a lot of the time, I cry a lot, I worry all the time, I keep to myself and prefer to remain distant from new people. I'm what has been defined as dark and twisty, but in the midst of all my sullen ways, there is much light in me, I glow with faith and hope. And though I may not be fierce and assertive, I'm not afraid to take risks and overcome the things that come my way.

I know I have to stop writing when my thoughts start bouncing in every direction lol, therefore I shall conclude this entry.

Have a great weekend and take care :)