Is there anything new to say? Has this blog been filled with redundancy? Constant repetition? I don't even know. I just know that I have instilled pieces of myself here, and to preserve the essence of my existence, I have but to spill my words onto this keyboard and provide myself a bit of written satisfaction. Reflection to remind myself that I am moving forward, progressing and changing into something more than the lunatic my siblings believe I am... The charity case my mother believes me to be.
What am I? If you could describe me what would you say? What is your honest opinion? What do you see in this mirror of myself I have posted in my entries? This is I hope an adequate portrait of who I am? I've released my sincerest thoughts, worries, hopes and desires here.
So many in my life conceive me in different ways. So which am I? The independent, decisive, intelligent star amidst my siblings? Am I the odd one? A recluse afraid of the world, scarred by my mistakes, in denial afraid to accept that I am not all right and that I need help in order to step out of a shell I've built to protect myself from everyone around me?
Two people who I adore convince me that I am what I want to be. That I am just fine the way I am. That I am beautiful and smart. That just because I am different, I am not strange. That I am perfect the way I am. I'm not crazy. I'm not broken. I'm not tainted. I'm just me. Thank you dad, for knowing me as myself. For knowing that I do bleed when I'm cut. Thank you my baby... Because you know me better than anyone else. You've taken the time to get to know me, to understand me, to listen to me. Thank you for always being there for me.
It does hurt, when I'm judged so harshly. When I try hard, in the only way I can to be loving and supportive... Even to ask for help. It hurts when I'm told I am cold and hard. It's hard sometimes for me to show how I feel, because I get shot down when I try.
I know sometimes I am cold, I know I can be mean. I admit I'm not perfect. I have hurt them too. But it's easier to hide beneath a cap of ice, than to show you when I'm hurt or when I'm sorry. When I've lost.
I meant to write about other things tonight. I don't know how I got started thinking so much about who I am... But what I meant to convey here originally was:
-I am so proud of you baby, you work so hard. Time goes by so slow when I'm far from you... And too quickly when I need to spend some with you. I miss you and I love you, and nothing, not time or distance can change that. I wish I could call you right now lol, this night-time habit of mine has got to stop lol. I have to go to sleep soon. I am going to pick up that phone in the morning if it's the last thing I do haha.
-Happy birthday to Gabriel :) You're growing so fast. I remember when I met you, you were still so tiny, I was able to carry you with one arm all around, all day hehe. You are such a sweet boy.
-Sigh* I think my writing bubble just burst. I will go to sleep now, I'm exhausted. Did some exercise today and I think I broke a rib or something ;) My bones are rusty! Well goodnight, *yawn. I hope you had a great 3 day weekend and that you have a great week too.
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3 comments:
Sometimes it's really hard living with family, specially a disfunctional family. But which family isn't? No family is ever perfect. I remember being there and wanting to get away...believe it or not, distance makes the heart grow fonder. You know who you are, and once you are out on your own and in charge of your own life, the opinions or judgements of others won't affect you as much as they do know. One day, you will have your own life away from them, and have your own family. You will remember all the good and bad times and have learned from them, which will make you a better person. Don't let them tell you that you're crazy just because you're not like them.
For me, at least, family has always been two different types of people. The ones that make you who you are and the ones that support you. The ones that have made me who I am today are people in my family that either have given me a rough time growing up or seem little interested in my life. The ones that support me though are people that truly understand you, people that you know you can trust and rely on when you get old or when you are still young and all seems lost. But baby let me tell you this, the people that only focus on the negative aspects of you are negative people and you should never let them tell you how to rule your life. You will find people like that everywhere you go in life. If negative people surround you its only normal to become negative, so when it comes to who you think you are and who you are to become just remember to listen to the positive in you not always the negative, if you find someone only talking negative about you do not listen to them because that is all they care about. I love you mi gordita, MUAH!
Thank you for your comment - Zulen. I don't know you very well, but from what I do know, you are a very caring girl. You have always reached out to me, you have read the most personal things that live within my soul and have carried that within your words back to me with great care and compassion. You will get to know who you are. Life's experiences will teach you. As soon as I think I know who I am - something happens that changes me. Losing Dad Baca, has changed me. It hit so close to home and I saw a family that very well could have been my own grieving someone no one thought would have passed on so early on. But, with that experience I have changed for the better. There are many experiences on the contrary that damaged the innocence of the little girl that once lived inside of me. Those kind of experiences have made me more cautious - more restricted...and with good reason. Sometimes we don't get the other person. I am sure many times of my life my family - the closest people to me...could not appreciate the person that I was. It takes learning..growing...adapting...in new elements and stages of one's life to grow into anew. With that love comes patience. They may say things out of anger or maybe just confusion...or maybe it comes from there own regret or inner battles within themselves..all I can say Zulen is keep your mind and heart open to them, be patient and things slowly but surely will fall into it's place. We may not know, but later on the pieces to the puzzle reveal themselves.
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