I feel worn out. Worn down. Home, this place I live in... Is the place where I can least be myself. I feel misplaced, and spoiled and selfish at the same time. I can't say anything anymore, not my opinion, not a question... Nothing, because I make things worse with my mother... My poor sick mother... My poor sick mother. I don't know anything anymore, about her. About what to say to her, or how to get close to her, or how to please her. I feel so confused. I am so confused about what I'm supposed to do or be when I'm here... in this place I live in. And I know I should not try to change me for anyone... I feel so alone here.

I have said so many times, in this house.... I want to go home. Baby, I miss you so much. I am sorry I have been so grouchy, tempermental... That's the last thing I want to be like with you. I feel so messed up. Uprooted. I miss you so much. I wish you were awake.

I keep asking God for help... What is it that I'm doing so wrong? What is it I'm not seeing, that I feel like an outsider in my own house?

I hope you don't feel so lonely anymore, like before. I know I'm not there with you all the time. I know I can't hold you and I don't always pick up the phone. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could always be there.

I need you so much. I love you baby, so much.