Certainty

I'm not in control of my own life. The things I want drift further from me day after day and nothing I've done has changed it. I'm sitting here in an empty classroom, basking in a peaceful silence and in time undisturbed by the strangers that just a moment ago sat around me. I'd rather not exist to them. I've given so much to the people who've called themselves my friends, only to be let down by a judgment, a lie, or by being forgotten. It hasn't happened with you though. Our entire relationship has managed from a distance, and every single day you call, you talk, you try. You hang onto me. Being alone without any friends, is so much easier than being alone without you. I need you most of all.

I wrote there, about all of the things that I want, that I need, and that I don't. But I'm always thinking about you. What you need. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I try to be, but I've done many things in my life. I've been hurt and used, I've helped others and been helped. I've been let go of and I've let go too. But you always tell me how new this all is to you, I'm the first person you have opened up to, and let in. I don't expect this to be OK for you. I don't expect you to feel the same as I do. I miss you, and it hurts. I miss you and it does make me cry, but I carry you with me everywhere I go. You're never missing from me.

I almost lost sight of what I'm doing down here, so many miles south of where you are. I'm making myself better. I'm securing my future. I'm almost done. I want to skip it all, I don't really want to do all of this. I just want to skip it all, and be with you and not cry and take care of you. But everything in this life takes work. It takes effort. I look forward to the future, to seeing my hard work pay off. I look in the distance and there you are walking toward and it's only a matter of time until I reach you.

I wish I could encourage you, I wish that you could see me in the distance too. But you see me moving away. I have a lifetime to give, and you feel you're running out of it. I'm not going anywhere. This is cruel, it's true. But what are the options. I'm giving you my all. I've decided that you are my path. I'm sticking with you. I'm sure about my feelings for you, I'm sure that what I see in you is genuine... Whatever happens, I'm in the palm of your hands... I love you.