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I have made an observation about my nature over the past few days, I didnt know how to describe it until now. Its been disturbing me since friday, I hate the way it makes me feel. This observation involves me in relation to the opposite gender:

a) There is only one man who Id love to spend the rest of my life with, one that Id love to come home to every night. Only one that makes my day complete. Without him, life would be empty.

b) Then there are tons of other men. Until very recently, i have been living in an environment where guys were all my age and I was used to them. But now I am placed with men of all ages, some developing interest in me, this quiet, shy girl sitting in the back of the class. I have noticed that older men come on strong, and arent afraid to flirt.

c) So here is my observation. I have noticed how hard it is not to flirt back. It makes me feel rotten to know that I do not know how to interact with the other gender in a way that does not imply interest, although I am not in the least bit interested in any of them. I can't help smiling, and doing whatever it is that I do that leads them on. I dont want to be a tease. I dont try to be. It just happens. I fear leading these men on, and getting hurt the way I did this summer. I dont know how else to be, and I am trying so hard to not be me. I have been described by many as adorable, interesting, and hundreds of other qualities that seem to appeal to men. If I happen to earn their attention by having these charms of qualities or whatever they may be, I dont want them.

Then there is the fact that my baby is in my mind 24/7, even as I speak to these strangers. I feel as if I am unfaithful, Id never do that to him. I adore him, he is a part of me. So what to do, how to ease my consciense? How do I change, how can I change after a lifetime of being me?....