Certainty

I'm not in control of my own life. The things I want drift further from me day after day and nothing I've done has changed it. I'm sitting here in an empty classroom, basking in a peaceful silence and in time undisturbed by the strangers that just a moment ago sat around me. I'd rather not exist to them. I've given so much to the people who've called themselves my friends, only to be let down by a judgment, a lie, or by being forgotten. It hasn't happened with you though. Our entire relationship has managed from a distance, and every single day you call, you talk, you try. You hang onto me. Being alone without any friends, is so much easier than being alone without you. I need you most of all.

I wrote there, about all of the things that I want, that I need, and that I don't. But I'm always thinking about you. What you need. Maybe I'm not as grown up as I try to be, but I've done many things in my life. I've been hurt and used, I've helped others and been helped. I've been let go of and I've let go too. But you always tell me how new this all is to you, I'm the first person you have opened up to, and let in. I don't expect this to be OK for you. I don't expect you to feel the same as I do. I miss you, and it hurts. I miss you and it does make me cry, but I carry you with me everywhere I go. You're never missing from me.

I almost lost sight of what I'm doing down here, so many miles south of where you are. I'm making myself better. I'm securing my future. I'm almost done. I want to skip it all, I don't really want to do all of this. I just want to skip it all, and be with you and not cry and take care of you. But everything in this life takes work. It takes effort. I look forward to the future, to seeing my hard work pay off. I look in the distance and there you are walking toward and it's only a matter of time until I reach you.

I wish I could encourage you, I wish that you could see me in the distance too. But you see me moving away. I have a lifetime to give, and you feel you're running out of it. I'm not going anywhere. This is cruel, it's true. But what are the options. I'm giving you my all. I've decided that you are my path. I'm sticking with you. I'm sure about my feelings for you, I'm sure that what I see in you is genuine... Whatever happens, I'm in the palm of your hands... I love you.

Ketch-up Time

... Posting late, sleep is so much easier to neglect in the night than in the morning... But I am behind on a lot so I would like to catch up with things. FIRST OF ALL:

This is more than a week late... But Happy Birthday Mr. Tyler. I saw this and I thought of you, I loved goofy when I was a baby lol. It amazes me, all these little ones could barely talk when I met them. Now they are all about half my height and getting to school. Time flies. It's so nice to watch them grow though.
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Yep. It's 2 am, so much I'm worried about. Like the fact that Abuelo Q. might be sick with cancer again. And I have been angry with him for years. Haven't held a conversation with him in over 6 years. I didn't know he was sick when mom and dad started making plans to bring him over here and I was complaining and whining. I feel guilty now, I shouldn't be so hard on him, on anyone for that matter. Cause then things like this happen and you realize how dumb you have been and what you should have done before. You don't want it to be too late before you realize that you shouldn't go to sleep angry with anyone.

I have a 68.5% in color systems. I am starting to wonder whether I will be successful in this major or not. I can do it, I keep telling myself I can. And I know that what is killing me is an extreme lack of organization and time management. But it keeps getting harder and harder to do well. It's like I need to change my entire way of being in order to do well. Bad habits are hard to break, but I never thought it would be this hard. Gotta keep trying though. I can't give up. I don't want to throw all my dad's hard work and money down the drain.

I am trying to figure out who to vote for this coming presidential election. I'm thinking of leaning republican. There is so much about the democratic party I am not fond of. The republican party isn't doing all that much better but every democratic candidate is a nim-wit and I don't believe Hilary has had enough leadership experience. She does seem EXTREMELY expensive and a tad too ambitious. She is in the lead though I think, and if she wins well I hope she is a good president. But I don't think withdrawal from Iraq is the way to go. Even if it is a gradual process of five years or more. Some people think that if we leave them alone they will leave us alone. But the truth is, there was no war going on when 9/11 occurred. They won't leave us alone. They are just waiting for the moment some schmuck comes in does exactly what they want us to do. I don't think I'm worldy enough yet to judge. I only know what I'm told and have yet to form my own complete opinion. But I don't feel confident in her, and all the rest of the candidates look like a bunch of old crooks lol. They are after all politicians ;) I'm just trying to figure out which are crooks and which only look like crooks. No one is perfect, we are all human.

LASTLY- Just to vent and make me feel better.

1. NO, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE to have more than one girlfriend.
2. NO, young mend DO NOT HAVE TO GO OFF AND FUCK AROUND WITH 18 BILLION GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUNG!!!
3. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT!!!!!!!!

The end. Goodnight peoples, have a good week :)

Identity

Your life is a song you've never heard. From a distance I gaze and you remain mystified. Your purpose hides somewhere in the shade of your eyes. This is somewhere I cannot lead you, but only take your hand and follow. I wish I could relate. What do you desire? What do you hope for and dream of for yourself? Where do you envision your distant tomorrow. Your perception is run by uncertainty, intoxicated by youth and time. Sometimes simplicity is the most complex maze to solve. Which path should you take? The road is vague, you are standing on it but sight is not a gift you've been granted with in this realm. Life is so unpredictable, and that is a frightening reality.

Who do you want to be? I can only encourage you. Here I am, to give you my thoughts and to wish you the best. To give you ideas and stand beside you, whatever direction you choose to take. I wish I could facilitate your struggles, I wish I could protect you from the hardships I know you'll face one day. There is so much I know you fear, such losses you'll face someday. I'll be here every step of the way, to try and help you remember your gains and triumphs. To take your hand and lead you when you've lost sight of the good. To catch you and keep you from staying down when you've fallen. Fight. Keep your efforts burning, don't put the flame out. Fight, there is more to lose than strength. Try, try the best you can. Even when the current steers you further from your most precious endeavors. Fight, to recover and to improve.

I can't quench your thirst for knowledge of the future. I can't impair the plans that time has in store for us. My fears and yours differ greatly but are still so similar. I'm afraid, that you'll never believe me a certainty in your life. I'm afraid, that I won't be armor enough for you, that I won't be a refuge, that you'll deem me a part of you external, incapable of understanding your hurts. But I will try my best, I will fight for you.

I share with you the pain of this distance and the passing of time. We're strong together, for each other. Our fortress rises from our memories and hopes for the future. Don't lose sight of those things, don't let sadness conquer. There's a cold and desolate tundra painful and lonely beyond it. Let our love lift us, for one day our miracle will come true. Our love is our fortress.

Breakable

By: Ingrid Michaelson

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mass,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.