Mirror Me

Is there anything new to say? Has this blog been filled with redundancy? Constant repetition? I don't even know. I just know that I have instilled pieces of myself here, and to preserve the essence of my existence, I have but to spill my words onto this keyboard and provide myself a bit of written satisfaction. Reflection to remind myself that I am moving forward, progressing and changing into something more than the lunatic my siblings believe I am... The charity case my mother believes me to be.

What am I? If you could describe me what would you say? What is your honest opinion? What do you see in this mirror of myself I have posted in my entries? This is I hope an adequate portrait of who I am? I've released my sincerest thoughts, worries, hopes and desires here.

So many in my life conceive me in different ways. So which am I? The independent, decisive, intelligent star amidst my siblings? Am I the odd one? A recluse afraid of the world, scarred by my mistakes, in denial afraid to accept that I am not all right and that I need help in order to step out of a shell I've built to protect myself from everyone around me?

Two people who I adore convince me that I am what I want to be. That I am just fine the way I am. That I am beautiful and smart. That just because I am different, I am not strange. That I am perfect the way I am. I'm not crazy. I'm not broken. I'm not tainted. I'm just me. Thank you dad, for knowing me as myself. For knowing that I do bleed when I'm cut. Thank you my baby... Because you know me better than anyone else. You've taken the time to get to know me, to understand me, to listen to me. Thank you for always being there for me.

It does hurt, when I'm judged so harshly. When I try hard, in the only way I can to be loving and supportive... Even to ask for help. It hurts when I'm told I am cold and hard. It's hard sometimes for me to show how I feel, because I get shot down when I try.

I know sometimes I am cold, I know I can be mean. I admit I'm not perfect. I have hurt them too. But it's easier to hide beneath a cap of ice, than to show you when I'm hurt or when I'm sorry. When I've lost.

I meant to write about other things tonight. I don't know how I got started thinking so much about who I am... But what I meant to convey here originally was:

-I am so proud of you baby, you work so hard. Time goes by so slow when I'm far from you... And too quickly when I need to spend some with you. I miss you and I love you, and nothing, not time or distance can change that. I wish I could call you right now lol, this night-time habit of mine has got to stop lol. I have to go to sleep soon. I am going to pick up that phone in the morning if it's the last thing I do haha.

-Happy birthday to Gabriel :) You're growing so fast. I remember when I met you, you were still so tiny, I was able to carry you with one arm all around, all day hehe. You are such a sweet boy.

-Sigh* I think my writing bubble just burst. I will go to sleep now, I'm exhausted. Did some exercise today and I think I broke a rib or something ;) My bones are rusty! Well goodnight, *yawn. I hope you had a great 3 day weekend and that you have a great week too.

Just some pictures

Pancho Villa in a sophisticated doggy coat
Christmas dinner
My random pic of my and my new camera
Me not matching, it's rude to point yadi, and dad in his yellow daddy uniform
How did I end up in that chair? Nice antlers ladies
Roger the elf shield

grandma likes this picture
Pancho Deer and Zuli Darling
Gramps and I

Me digging for lost doggy bone treasures
I miss my room

My first time on the ice

Our Own Sky

Here in the dark,
I held your hand,
Right here we'd been together, we were complete.
I stood among a sea of stars,
You held my hand and took me drifting in dreams.


Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

So many times,
Here side by side,
We've walked above the moon on rivers of lilies,
Somewhere we've built within our hearts,
Vast paradise, still much to discover.

Remembering...
You haven't gone,
You're print's still here, tomorrow's something I rely on.
I wonder when...
When can we carry on?
Awaiting freedom from these locks holding us apart.

Close you're eyes when you're alone think of me,
I'm always there remember when you're lonely,
Soon we won't have to dream baby, we'll live
Under our own sky,
Someday our own sky...

I feel worn out. Worn down. Home, this place I live in... Is the place where I can least be myself. I feel misplaced, and spoiled and selfish at the same time. I can't say anything anymore, not my opinion, not a question... Nothing, because I make things worse with my mother... My poor sick mother... My poor sick mother. I don't know anything anymore, about her. About what to say to her, or how to get close to her, or how to please her. I feel so confused. I am so confused about what I'm supposed to do or be when I'm here... in this place I live in. And I know I should not try to change me for anyone... I feel so alone here.

I have said so many times, in this house.... I want to go home. Baby, I miss you so much. I am sorry I have been so grouchy, tempermental... That's the last thing I want to be like with you. I feel so messed up. Uprooted. I miss you so much. I wish you were awake.

I keep asking God for help... What is it that I'm doing so wrong? What is it I'm not seeing, that I feel like an outsider in my own house?

I hope you don't feel so lonely anymore, like before. I know I'm not there with you all the time. I know I can't hold you and I don't always pick up the phone. I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry. I wish I could always be there.

I need you so much. I love you baby, so much.

:) Another Pretty Silver One

Thank you so much Vani and D. for helping Mike get his car :)

5-5-07

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAILEY :)
FROM: ME <3>