venting

He is afraid to be let down... To have his hopes raised and then dropped down because someone who promised something let him down...

I get so frustrated sometimes. How is it that I have all this stuff, everything has come to me. And he has to fight so hard for these things. Things that I just realized, I take for granted most of the time.

What am I talking about? The xbox on my TV, I didn't pay for that. A room with my own bathroom. I didn't pay for that. The car I got in 2004... It came so easily to me. The college education dad is paying for, the one sometimes I feel I'd like to give up on... IT HAS ALL BEEN GIVEN TO ME.

And it frustrates me to a point so painful that he hasn't gotten half of what I have. He has everything he needs right now... A home, and food, and he is ok... He has so many people that love him and care for him... He is rich in that sense. But what about tomorrow. Where are his tools for a better tomorrow? He has to work his ass of in order to inch his way to getting these things, all alone. And I know he is worried about these things.

I was so excited. For once, he was going to get a car... The one that was taken to repair, he'd been watching the arrival of a part for that car eagerly, cuz it meant he'd have a car... And a car meant he could get a better job and drive to work, and earn more money, so he could pay for college little by little.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOOO. Apparently the plans for that car have been changed for some reason... To what? No idea... And he's left once again with very little time to earn a lot of money for a car and then school, and no transportation in order to get to work. That car, was supposed to be his... And this kind of thing keeps happening to him. He tells me, "guess what, I'm getting a car!" a while later, "no not getting it anymore." It always happens... Something always gets in the way! Why?

I wish I could help him. I know he feels alone... Having to fend for himself in order to get somewhere in life. Life is hard I know. Many people don't have it as simple as I do. But I wish I could help. I wish I could do something... It irritates me that I have someone driving me to success for me... And he doesn't have that. What can I do?

2 weeks... when is forever?

Dear God,

Thank you so much, for letting us be together for these 2 weeks... I live for being with him. It feels like too little time though. Why can't I be by him always? Why do we have to wait so long to once again live such endless joy?

God, so many obstacles we face, just as we overcome others... I know we are strong... I know we can make it... But regardless our strength, "until next time" still hurts deeply. It stings and we suffer, without knowing why it must be so. Please God, help us... Help me find a way home. Help us be together soon. Please.

I've learned so much about him. Like, that he is very patient with me, even when I'm annoying and I whine. I love it when he's hungry and I hunt something down for him to eat lol. Cooking or finding some place he'd like to eat at, hehe, I take deep satisfaction in taking care of him. Making sure he doesn't forget anything, and holding him when he is sad or tired or just because. I'm so sure that he and I can co-exist under one roof without killing each other.

He is very helpful :) I can't believe how much work he did, ON VACATION lol. Moving exercise equipment, and furniture, and sweeping, and cleaning countertops, and taking weeds off the front yard. Bringing me napkins when I spill stuff and spoiling me every chance he gets.

His spaghetti is to die for lol. <>

He shares everything with me. And tolerates my lesser skill at racing games, and tetris :$ He'd be great at baseball too :) <>. You know you like the game :D It is so much fun to swim with him, cuz he isn't afraid of the high diving board and cuz he sticks by me the whole time and doesn't let my evil brother pull me away from him ;)

He makes me feel better everytime I'm sad or I cry... When I'm mad he calms me down. My hair could be a wreck and I could look like night of the living dead, and this man will still look at me in the eyes and tell me how beautiful I am. He supports me and is there for me, and stands up for me.

God, thank You so much for bringing him into my life. I am the luckiest being alive, because you brought us together, because you blessed me with his presence. Thank You... I am so grateful for him. I will always love and treasure him... Devote myself to taking care of him and loving him. He is the best thing to ever happen to me.

Still, my heart hurts right now. Because in a few hours, he'll be gone again. It's hard to be apart. I miss him so much, too much. Please don't let it be long til I see him again... I can't wait to never leave his side again.

Baby... I want you to know that everything will be ok. I love you so much. You are my everything, and I need you and I will always be there for you to take care of you and share my life with you. I'll be with you again soon. We'll be together soon baby...

I love you.

Something Changes When You Fall In Love

When we were friends
It didn't bother us
And we casually talked to each other.
But there was a moment when I noticed only you...
Something changes when you fall in love,


And without words,
I want to coney the thrill I feel when we're together.

Dormant

I can remember, like a bell in the darkness, the sound of your voice growing warmer and closer to me... In my heart it's been forever, we've never been apart. I can't recall being strangers, feeling disconnected to you as I do to the multitudes of hollow beings I encounter day after day. The ringing sound of mending glass, once again coming together. Words of extraordinary worth, whispers resounding so deeply in a fortress within my soul, given infinite strength by your presence.

Today fades into yesterday and blooms into another day within minutes, and yet... every today lingers on for ages when I look into the moon hoping the sun will more willingly rise... Sometimes it seems as though I do live in a dream... I feel so near you and so far. A dream. I lay dormant there beside you, dormant and conscious that you're there and wishing that my eyes, imprisoned by destiny and the echoes of it's ticking clock, would reveal that my suspiscions are not just suspiscions, but reality. I'm wrapped in your arms I know it, I feel the warmth of your chest against my cheek, the softness of each breath you take. Your heart setting the pace of mine so eager to follow your lead, dancing to the soft beat of harmonious adoration.

When will I wake... I look at you, and pray for the moment I wake. For the moment I discover the meaning of living and leave behind the illusion my dreams impose. I pray for forever with you my angel... I pray for the day that "far apart" melts into "never apart." I miss you too.

Where You Are