I can't be in my room today, the lonely prison I've enclosed myself in for almost 3 years now. Yes, I have changed. I ask myself that every single day. Was I much different all those years ago? I can't remember what I'd think about, or why I was so angry and what made me happy. I can't remember what I'd looked forward to. I do know that once, I was carefree. I could do anything, I could never break down. I was a little girl.
It's made me so angry. After all that happened, mom and dad said I've changed. They say I'm scarred. They say I push people away, that I never show myself completely... Not even to them, people who've known and loved me all my life, even since before I was born. Yadi and Jorge think the same. That I refuse to really talk about it. That I've convinced myself that I'm no longer hurt, that there is nothing wrong... when they see that I'm bruised.
After seeing my aunt... And how she refuses to listen to the people who love her, I am seeing something I couldn't before. "Tengo que ir a cuidar a ese hombre" she says. A man who never loved her, a man who had a lover for more than 60 years, who feels no remorse about it... Who wouldn't miss her if she was gone. Who told us not to bring her back to him. A man who'd kill her for money. She loves him, she loves him with all her heart. She'd do anything for him... And in her mind, though she knows it's false, she tells herself that he loves her too.
They are right... I don't want anyone near me. I can't trust. It's so hard for me to let others see me. It's like a chore to meet new people for me. It feels impossible to me. It's so much easier to forget about it. To push it aside. It's so much easier to stop thinking about it. To stay where I know I'm safe... In that room all by myself. Where no one can hurt me. No one can judge me. No one can bruise me again.
Yadi says I should see a doctor, a psych... She says I need to talk about it. That I need to let it go. That I need to move past all that happened to me that summer. To her, so long has gone by. These 3 years to her aren't the same to me. It was yesterday. 3 years ago was yesterday. Have I been lying to myself?
I still can't say the word without shuddering. I can't say it without feeling it through my entire body. I'm not ready to go out and expose myself again. I'm not ready to let anyone near. I can't I can't, I won't. Not until I feel ready. Am I still a little girl? Because I don't feel safe anymore around the strangers who call themselves my friends? I need time... I need more time than this. Is it so hard to understand?
I don't know, I don't know if I'm wrong. If having "friends" and socializing is so important. I don't know if I am wierd. If I'm going crazy... The truth is, I don't really miss all those people I once called friends... The people who've become strangers to me after all these years.
I'm happy with the way I am. I'm content to be in my house. I have everything I've ever wanted and needed. My family, I have me, I have someone who loves me and who I love with all my heart and in a special way I my adopted family miles away who I've also fallen in love with. Why does everyone want me to change now?
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3 comments:
zulie
i cried when i read this post.
i know how you feel. i think when you start to push away the people that love you and are REALLY there for you ... very far and a few for those ... and your right it is family and a few friends ...that's when it would be bad. That isn't good. Because that means that something is clouding your judgement
i have done this too. sometimes i still do it. there will always be a part of me that will never be whole. but there is room for some hope and change. being persistent. having confidence...strong belief...
you need time to heal from what you are dealing with. but i have every confidence in you. I know when the time is right you are going to face it head on. You are stronger then you think Zulen. I admire that in you. You are thousands of miles ahead of yourself girl.
And we love you too.
3 years is not enough time to heal from something that impacted you as a whole so dramatically...it has taken me and my sister almost our whole lives...and still there is broken peices that we have to learn to pick up once in a while.
but talking about it has defintly helped...it was worse to keep it all the pain locked up inside. your mind will automatically try and forget to protect you from the memories...but really they never go away. it does get a little easier with time. and the truth is that people that have never been through it will never understand how you are feeling.
i was surprised that even after our family found out our situation, how little sympathy we got. in fact, they still talk to our brother like nothing ever happened.
i didn't know what to expect from them, but i can tell that they don't really understand, they don't know what it feels like.
give yourself time and when you feel like crying, cry..when you want to talk about it...talk. when you want to forget, forget...there will be a time when it won't take up room in your heart and mind anymore. there will be other things, better things to replace it. then the healing will begin.
How do I make everyone understand that I need space and that I can't be what they want me to be right now?
I feel like I can't trust mom and dad to understand me or to support me. I remember so clearly how they blamed everything on me and told me I was lying. I know it's because they were hurt, but to this day, I can't tell them anything.
It wasn't til recently that they told me that they don't blame me. That they blame him. That they don't judge me. And that they are here to talk to me when I need them. That they see that I'm hurt and that I am withdrawn and it's hurting them... I know that my silence hurts them. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to tell them how I feel. Talking to mom and dad is something I've never done in my life.
Maybe they just have to accept that what happened did change me, and that this scarred person they see is who I am. I don't think this will ever go away.
Thanks you guys :)... Everyone here is telling me I'm not normal. I am just relieved... I hope this means I'm not nuts.
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