In Response

They say, that from the moment we are born, we begin learning to communicate. Funny though, nearly 21 years later, I'm still at a loss, not for words, but for the correct ones. I was writing in response to your publishing from earlier yesterday... Your words triggered my thoughts and so I felt compelled to respond. It is when I read what you've written, and I am compelled to respond that I remember why I miss it so much when you write, and why I love that you write. It is when I am writing back though, that I'm reminded of why I write. My voice when I speak to you, rushes out quicker than do my thoughts, and I usually end up saying either the wrong thing or something that makes no sense.

Like for example, earlier tonight, when I told you to cancel your movie rentals, and you said you would if I'd promise to go over to visit you soon. Quickly, I said, "I pr"... and you said you'd be angry with me if I didn't keep that promise. I said it hoping you'd free yourself of yet another debt and that I'd be helping you in some way. But now I'm alone in my room again. Running on but 5 hours of sleep. Here I am stinging. The reality is, that I'd have made you a promise I was not sure I could keep. And then I share your heartbreak. Because I would love to be with you always. I would love to know that I am indeed a comfort to you, a support, rather than something else taken from you.

Normal... I don't think I know what that means. Not sure there is such a thing. Perhaps normal means perfect. Normal- having the things you want the way we imagine them to be, removing the conflicts that cause our lives to be... not so normal. Maybe perfect and normal are synonymous and unattainable.

But there is one thing that you should always always remember. God, well, He doesn't DO these things to us. He doesn't control us as we control the characters in our games. He is like a father. Like our parents, he is someone we should look up to and respect. Like our parents, He does not control what we do or what life brings us. He is there for support, always listening, always guiding us, whispering what is right and what is not. He is not cruel. I can't believe that he pushes you to drown, or any of us. It is up to us baby, to see His signs. To try. I don't have all the answers. I can only have faith in Him. I can only believe that He is good and merciful. And as long as I believe he is with me, there is hope. Have faith baby, keep hope, for you and those you love.

This will subside. Your ailment will soon be gone. It's already started, you have the tools. You can find out now what it is that is hurting you. And when you do, it will only be a matter of time until you are cured. There IS a cure for that.

To know that the people you love have suffered, and that even now they feel pain... To be so powerless, and not be able to help take the pain away from them. I know it is frustrating and hurtful. That is what my last post meant. It's hard to smile when you know there are good people hurting... It is sickening. But you can't for one second let your head down. You have to keep strong, and fight for the future. Better yourself and open the doors to that which seems so far away. Seeing your mom and perhaps bringing her here one day, being a great support for your family, having a home and kids, your health and quality of life...

I love you.

They fall by the millions, collecting into an ocean of icy melancholy. A storm fallen on one only, streaming through my safe of emotions, penetrating everything strong and resilient in my being. When will I look around and not see the pain overflowing in their vaults? When will their tempests cease? Worn out, weathered... Once I was a willful warrior, capable of overthrowing the reign of aches and hardships that surrounded my loved ones... The plague that's covered the world in bitterness and hopelessness. At a time in this life, I was indestructible. Ironically here I am, trying to keep afloat in a boat I thought was unsinkable. Here I am, emptying the rain, emptying the ocean from my small vessel. When did I stop knowing and being so sure? When did I bury my optimism?

What is tolerable and not? When am I wrong or right? What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss these questions around and suddenly, my self image is broken and I'm not sure if I'm the same person I was a few years back. I feel wounded. As if I'd been ignoring pain and fighting new pains as they came. As if it were layered inside me and the pressure of going forward became too much to bare.

What would I be if I were only fighting for me? I toss that question around only for a small while. How can I satisfy another if I can't keep myself afloat? I'm so dependent... So incapable of fending for my heart. I've resented where my life has lead me and desired so for a way back home. Home... What would I do without my home? What would I do if I didn't have a home to fight for anymore? Perhaps my dependency could cause the loss I so fear.

Maybe I am crazy. Sometimes i feel like sanity's jumped out the window. Maybe they were all right to look at me the way they do.

I have one prayer tonight. Please help me... I need my strength again. I need my will again. Though I've not lost my hope, I've lost something. Please help me find it again. I'd like to leave these doubts I have of my fortitude. I'd like my old self back. The self that could do anything. The self that could save the world... The self that could make a difference. Please.