Blank, is probably the best word for my mood tonight. I really don't know what to write about, but sometimes, letting your mind flow free is a good thing. I've been evaluating the recent moments of my life, and I've come to the conclusion that even though I cry, and I frown, carry a lot of emotional baggage, I am happy.In everyone's life, there is water under some bridge right? Things they carry along that help make who they are and why they are the way they are right? The bumps along the road that toughen you up. I think I've made peace with my past. My mistakes, my trials and tribulations lol. Yeah, it kind of makes me frustrated knowing that there will be more and that yes, it could be worse, but come what may, I know I can look ahead and walk down the road worry-less.
And then I think about tonight. And for the first time, I'm OK with being by myself. I'm OK. I used to cry when I found myself without anyone to talk to in the night. I was afraid of being lonely. Loneliness used to devour me like the big bad wolf, and I would cry. I'd look through my entire phone book, looking for a friend to call, and when I found no one, I would cry. I don't need to cry tonight though, because I'm not actually "alone." I have someone under the same sky who loves me. More importantly though, I'm OK with the fact that he is spending time with his friend. I've come to realize that there is so much pressure on him. He is so young and new to all of these responsibilities. Spends so much time trying to comply with those responsibilities. I've realized that he needs time for himself, to enjoy and retreat from the stresses of daily life. And me, I'll remember what it's like to turn up the music and dance in front of the mirror. To bump into an acquaintance at the mall and make small talk lol. To play games with my family and let them get to know me again.
I don't have many friends and now I know that I don't need them. I am not even hurt anymore or bothered by the fact that I have never had a sincere guy friend. Hind-sight, helps us grow, makes us wiser. You realize what you should have done, what you shouldn't have, what you didn't see. I get too involved it's true. I carry mine, and everyone else's emotional baggage. But no one has ever stuck up for me like that before, no one has made my problems their's. I'm tired of giving. That's what mom and dad mean when they tell me that they don't need anyone else. They are best friends, and they are all they need. HOLY CRAP, I have that!
I am so glad this month is over. It HAS been rough. I feel different. I feel good about me. I feel good about what I'm doing. I feel good about my life and the people I love.
