Your Heart Is My Heaven

Me haces falta,
Eternas son las noches que paso desvelada,
Horas extrañandote,
Y aun prefiero amarte desde lejos,
A ni siquiera tener el privilegio de tal bendicion.

Me haces falta,
Anhelo el sonido dulce de tu voz,
La mirada de esos ojos que iluminan cada pensamiento de este corazon.
La desesperacion me quiere destruir,
No existe deseo mas grande en este mundo,
Que esta necessidad de tenerte aqui a mi lado,
Quisiera velarte mientras que sueñas,
Sentir la ternura de tus fuertes abrazos,
Perderme en un mar de calor que derrumba la soledad que siento en esta noche helada,
Matar esta melancolia...

Me haces falta,
No paso ni un segundo sin hecharte de menos mi amor.
Tengo por dentro el veneno de la inquietud,
No hay lugar cercano que le ofresca consuelo a mi corazon,
No me queda mas remedio,
Siento que he estado por siglos condenada a la prision invisible de esta distancia.

Me haces falta,
Pero aun esta noche no me sabe amarga,
El cielo estrellado refleja recuerdos de ti,
La belleza que veo en tu fragil corazon,
En tu alma poseida por la fortaleza de este obstinado amor,
Sobresale entre los luceros mas brillantes,
Haciendolos ver embotados.

Me haces falta,
Tanto asi que le pido a Dios aunque sea un momento de nuevo,
Un abrazo, un beso, un silgo de cariño en un instante,
Un momento sin fin, para por fin esta siempre a tu lado,
Siempre los dos en un paraiso sin igual...
Y me doy cuenta al preguntarle a Dios esta noche,
Que todas mi oraciones se an cumplido,
Eres el angel puesto en el mundo para quereme,
El angel propietario de mi amor.
Eres mi cielo, mi rayo de luz...
Una parte de mi, la llama que prende mi alma...
Eres mi razon de existir.

Z.L.N.

Pain

I can't be in my room today, the lonely prison I've enclosed myself in for almost 3 years now. Yes, I have changed. I ask myself that every single day. Was I much different all those years ago? I can't remember what I'd think about, or why I was so angry and what made me happy. I can't remember what I'd looked forward to. I do know that once, I was carefree. I could do anything, I could never break down. I was a little girl.

It's made me so angry. After all that happened, mom and dad said I've changed. They say I'm scarred. They say I push people away, that I never show myself completely... Not even to them, people who've known and loved me all my life, even since before I was born. Yadi and Jorge think the same. That I refuse to really talk about it. That I've convinced myself that I'm no longer hurt, that there is nothing wrong... when they see that I'm bruised.

After seeing my aunt... And how she refuses to listen to the people who love her, I am seeing something I couldn't before. "Tengo que ir a cuidar a ese hombre" she says. A man who never loved her, a man who had a lover for more than 60 years, who feels no remorse about it... Who wouldn't miss her if she was gone. Who told us not to bring her back to him. A man who'd kill her for money. She loves him, she loves him with all her heart. She'd do anything for him... And in her mind, though she knows it's false, she tells herself that he loves her too.

They are right... I don't want anyone near me. I can't trust. It's so hard for me to let others see me. It's like a chore to meet new people for me. It feels impossible to me. It's so much easier to forget about it. To push it aside. It's so much easier to stop thinking about it. To stay where I know I'm safe... In that room all by myself. Where no one can hurt me. No one can judge me. No one can bruise me again.

Yadi says I should see a doctor, a psych... She says I need to talk about it. That I need to let it go. That I need to move past all that happened to me that summer. To her, so long has gone by. These 3 years to her aren't the same to me. It was yesterday. 3 years ago was yesterday. Have I been lying to myself?

I still can't say the word without shuddering. I can't say it without feeling it through my entire body. I'm not ready to go out and expose myself again. I'm not ready to let anyone near. I can't I can't, I won't. Not until I feel ready. Am I still a little girl? Because I don't feel safe anymore around the strangers who call themselves my friends? I need time... I need more time than this. Is it so hard to understand?

I don't know, I don't know if I'm wrong. If having "friends" and socializing is so important. I don't know if I am wierd. If I'm going crazy... The truth is, I don't really miss all those people I once called friends... The people who've become strangers to me after all these years.

I'm happy with the way I am. I'm content to be in my house. I have everything I've ever wanted and needed. My family, I have me, I have someone who loves me and who I love with all my heart and in a special way I my adopted family miles away who I've also fallen in love with. Why does everyone want me to change now?

Never forget these words baby

Love is passion, obsession, something you can't live without. Fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. How do you find them? Well, forget your head and you listen to your heart...

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love... well you haven't lived a life... But you have to try, because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

Ok maybe a little incomplete... I wrote this down because it amazed me... No, they aren't my words, ladies I'm sure you've seen meet joe black :) But I found this quote. If you read them enough baby, maybe you'll understand my fascination with those words. LOL, just wrote this here cuz I'm not in a very creative writing mood and it's easier to write in a moment.

Love you!!!

Journeys

A hundred miles per hour, amazing freedom, you and I on a road all to ourselves. Where are we going? To the moon, a wistful destiny our hearts chose without consultation. Your presence makes me indestructible. On we go, each turn I make following the lead of your glances. Faster than the falling stars above, we speed past a million worlds in search of our very own. And suddenly I look ahead, anticipation taking over me, though I don't realize it's mine alone. I look back over and you're no longer to my right, an empty passenger's seat now, I'm down to fifty. I'm on the highway all alone, and on the lane beside me, you keep up but beside another. A race no one can win, how can I win when I'm missing half of me, half of you? How can she pass me by when she'll never have all of you, when she doesn't even know what it means to have someone as beautiful as you by her side? Still, no sign of return, beside me the shadow of constant betrayal to my heart. Perhaps I should let it be, forfit this agonizing competition for a heart I've fought so hard to keep, a heart I shouldn't have to fight so hard for, for it belongs already to me. Day after day you show me you've chosen another, and in my heart I've wondered if I should let you go, stop trying to persuade your mind to agree with your heart. My attempts have only been futile, and each time you withdraw further from me. I've thought of a billion ways to recover us... But day after day I watch as she glances in other directions and manipulates you... I watch you look over at me, not even trying to desert the passenger's seat of an undeserving someone. Perhaps I need to gather strength in myself to give it up. Nothing's changed in so long, this race has made me hurt and tired. And the question that haunts us both possesses me, "what if" he never comes back? What if I give up and I lose him? Maybe I've tried to handle this the wrong way. It's hard to tell wrong from right anymore. Your absence left me in the dark baby, now I feel lost too. And the only certainties left in me... I miss you with all that I am. I love you always. And if you ever choose me again, I'll be here, loving you no different than before.

No good titles today...

I remember I used to write about you in this blog. I'd write about my day and about how I felt about you. The ocassional poem... I remember I'd visit the page, always looking forward to a comment from you... And later, (when found) by two new friends who read my entries no matter how boring I've become ;) I don't know when this blog became school progress and lyrics... And so, I'll pick up with the me I was before I was all screwed up... The me who didn't write about certain things because I was afraid to write down what's inside.


I had a horrible dream last night. I had decided that you were gone, as if I hadn't heard from you in ages. I got kicked out of the house for God knows what, but I went to school that day. I remember walking on a field of grass in front of the church beside the sidewalk and the road. When I came across a supposed friend and told her I'd no place to live. So she gave me an address and I walked for hours, lost, looking for the place. I ended up walking down a poverty stricken road, near my grandma's house in PR. There were little houses, kinda like walking down a ghetto in New York. I found the place, a red door led to my room. The paint was chipping off the walls, it was dirty and dark. The bed was an old mattress on a broken wooden frame. I had a small lamp on a tiny wooden table by the bed. I found a man, around my age sitting on the bed. I was scared but I had no where to go, so I put my bookbag down, and lay down on the bed completely ignoring him. He was a blonde guy, always smiled looking at me. I don't know when I went from wearing jeans to a long white skirt and a red shirt... But I slept uncomfortabley, feeling his hands stroking my hair. I woke up, he was sitting by me. He proposed that I give in. I thought about it, I thought about you... For a second there, I thought maybe I should. I wondered if you would've if you had the chance and I felt angry. I looked up at him, and I felt the same anxiety and fear I felt that July. And I woke up, and I wanted to run, as if I were still there with him. Great beginning of the day huh?

School was lame, only 2 hours worth of class though. I came home and my aunt was watching T.V. and my cousin mopping. Yadi and Alexis left, and I was at home alone with the kids and Cecilia and mi tia and prima.

And suddenly I feel like saying what I think and how I feel is worthless. Nothing ever changes. Keeping everything to myself is a lot easier than handling another night of being pushed away because of saying it all.

That being said... this is all I can write about for tonight. I'm off to wander the depths of my lost and lonely self... That sounded pathetic... Just in case, I don't feel self pitty... That's just how I feel. I will however think of 3 good things that happened today... Because someone I love told me he wants me to smile before I sleep.

Goodnight <3

Beginning of the year and...

My class schedule for the spring of 07. Not bad I think, better than last semester lol. I'm dreading the display of my "poundage" in swimming class lol. Hopefully I won't feel shy :S. I'm already feeling nervous, I'm not exactly an outgoing person. I don't even like wearing shorts very much. Too self conscious I guess. Whatever, I'm stickin' with it. Classes start on Jan. 8... What kind of bloody vacation was that?! I mean, classes ended in Mid-december. Whatever happened to the month and a half off?! Ugh. Not ready to go back. I need notebooks. Parchment... Pencils, pens, books...

In other words, things I have not much money for. Looks like dad's going to have to help me out again. I just discovered that my pay sucks, I never have money. Well, he told me he'd pay for college as long as I do well, so I'll let him take care of that for me and when I become rich and intelligent, I will buy him a mercedes and whatever he wants ;) I'll just save my money for other things... Mainly trips to VA, gasoline, phone bills, and other stuff that I can't think of but I know exist.

Well I'm off. TTYL :)