The Right Way

Tell me why I just cleaned the house... The WHOLE thing, and the kitchen looks blown up already... Got to do some dishes, clean the counter tops, sweep, and tomorrow start on what seems like 400 tons of laundry. I'm feeling free as a butterfly, so doing all of these things doesn't bother me. I don't have dad on my but telling me to hurry up. It's been a good vacation. Time on my own to reflect, to vent. Still I can't get used to being in charge, haven't ever been before. I cook, and clean, and make sure things are in order. I don't think I will be as horrible a house keeper as I thought. It's been a week and we are all still alive, fed and crackin' lol.

Writing is something I don't do enough anymore. I forgot how good it feels to reflect. Anywho...

Another session of therapy gone by. An hour and 30 minutes talking to the nice lady. I still want to know what's in her notebook, yes I am that nosy. Well we did role reversal, me telling my parents things I feel... Her pretending to be me and me pretending to be my parents. I felt like a dork, but hey it got me thinking.

So once I got out, I felt empowered again. I stood up straight and marched to the car and called dad. Not mom because she never answers the phone. He was watching John Wayne with grandpa but I figured I should talk to him. Talk to him the same why my sister wasn't able to before she decided to move out. This time, it was me declaring that I am an adult. It feels good.

I started by telling him that I love him very much. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt him, make him sad, break his heart, disappoint or fail him. I told him that I appreciate everything he has ever given me and tried to do for me. Went on to admitting that I'm intimidated by them, overwhelmed and afraid of them.

I tried to make him understand that even though I have made mistakes, they did too. That I was hurt by them in ways they do not know, because I haven't found a way to express those things to them. They didn't understand that the things I've done weren't personal, nor intentional. And that I know that they didn't hurt me on purpose.

I told him that I need a certain amount of independence. My parents make me feel like a child. And that can't happen anymore. That I need to be able to make my own decisions without fearing judgment on their part, or intervention. I understand that as parents they want to protect me, and that they hurt when I get hurt. But I told him that that is how we learn in life. We fall, and we get back up and start over. I reminded him that he came from a more difficult background than me, and he made without help. He was able to be independent and he can be proud that he reached his goals. I want to do things on my own too, and I am capable just as he was.

For the first time, I spoke and he listened and he told me I was right. He told me I'm grown up and that he wants to support me. I asked him for that. That I'd give anything to be able to make a choice, and yes, risk getting hurt, but have their support in whatever I choose to do. That when I get hurt, instead of lectures and "I told you so's" they should try holding me and being there for me. When you're down, the last thing you need is blame and being preached to.

I think I'm getting somewhere with this. I think everything will be O.K. This is where I start setting boundaries. This is the right thing to do. Helping them understand and understanding them. Making sure we are all O.K.

I want them to be a part of my life more than anything. And I hope that soon, I will let them see the me I am without being afraid of being judged or manipulated and controlled.

I feel relief.

My spirits are so high, I was inspired to cook up a storm. Pepper steak, white rice, fried plantains, a delicious almond vanilla cake with chocolate icing... MMMMMMM So stuffed though haha. Anywho. School starts on Friday. I'm embarking on a new journey. I needed a fresh start. I'm going to study nursing. I'm rejuvenated and ready to tackle my tasks.