Cluster of stuffies ;)

I am glad to report that this semester is almost over. Sad to report, next semester starts in May... lol, but oh well, as long as I am a sophomore by the end of this year.

Gosh I need a job so badly. But it seems I have screwed up so badly in my previous jobs, that I am having a hard time getting one now. No, I have never been fired. I have quit on the spot 3 times, (1 time cause dad made me, and the other because of a severe personal dilema, not work related). Maybe I am just paranoid and I have no luck because of my timing like you said babez. I don't know, I just feel like a failure right now. I feel like I should have done better. But now I drive, and I am more mature... I know I'll do fine in a job this time, if someone gives me the chance... *sigh, really low ego right now.

Well, later on today I am going to go job hunting. I am going to apply everywhere. I just want a job. I need money for bills, gas, and whatever I may need. I need to spend time out of the house, distract myself. I need to save to buy a house, prices are good here. Real good. And well, I just want a job, I feel like I need it for me now.

Anyway, mom has been super mom lately. Cooking and washing clothes... I wonder what's the cause of this change in her.

Then there is a debate I have with myself. I have this friend. I know her since 9th grade, and we get along well. But so many negative aspects surround our relationship and I feel like we are not really "real" with each other anymore. Like we are not friends anymore. She has a lot of probs. Her mom and dad died a while ago. Her sister has taken care of her since she was 13 (now she is 19). Her sister never liked her, and even tried to strangle her recently. She has been suicidal ever since her mom died 6 years ago. In 9th grade this boy asked her out and they dated for about 3 years, but he moved and left her. She felt like she had no reason to live and again tried to kill herself. She says that the people she cares about leave her, and it makes her feel alone and she wants to die.

The dilema begins here. I think I am partially to blame for problems with her and that boy. She still loves him. He had told me he didnt want to be with her anymore (before he left her), and I told him that he should be honest with her, because if he felt different staying with her would be lying to her. So he did. Then he lied to her and told her that because I told him about this boy flirting with her, he dumped her. LIE, he was cheating on her for a long time! She was mad at me about that and everything. I didnt lie or anything.

In retrospect- that boy cheated on her so many times, I guess they were not meant to be. But there is a lot of friction in my relationship with her now, and all we have to talk about is the past. I cannot help her with her problems, she does not seem to understand that there are people do love her and care if she lives or not. I have told her that I do many times, but it doesnt matter to her, all that matters to her is that boy. I even told her that maybe she should talk to a doctor, because she is traumatized and needs care.

I feel like I dont want to talk to her anymore. But I dont want to just abandon her. I dont want anything to happen to her. I dont know what to do. She blames me for what happened to her. We were mad at each other before and talked crap about each other. And she got mad at me for that too, even though she did it too. I know real friends dont talk about each other. We were immature. I feel like it would do her good to stop talking to me, because I am a vivid reminder of her past and she needs to forget. I feel like our friendship is tainted and died a long time ago, even tho I love my friend very much. I feel like she resents me. When we talk, she only wants to talk about him. I remind her of him. The 3 of us were inseperable for a long time. I dont want her to be so hurt anymore, I feel like I have to stop talking to her, but I cant bring myself to leave her alone. I just cant.

I hope she is ok.

While watching a chick flick...

Again doing homework... Or else trying to give the impression that I am lol. There is 1 week of school left and I still need to finish 2 papers tonight, a painting and a paper on it, present that for my art final, take a test, and 2 finals, and do some online stuff, sell 7 books, register for summer classes, get a job, and alot of other stuff. It just feels like that is too much for just a week... blah, but I will manage like always. I just hope I get good grades, seeing as tho I have been absent countless times... Yeah I know, irresponsible. I guess I just let myself get caught up in stress and depression, and I forgot what it was I had to do... Blah...

Well, went to perhaps the shittiest museum ever today. It was smaller than my room... Yup ppl, thats what u get for expecting the smithsonian in TN.... lol. We got lost for an hour and a half and I only had 10 minutes to look at the art work for a paper I have to write tonight for art appreciation. I have no idea what to write by the way lol.

I got you a couple of presents baby... Ima send em to ya in a bit :) I like gettin u stuff :) ... Sometimes, just sometimes it seems like ur not so hard to shop for or picky lol. MUAH!

So I guess I should stop writing here and get to the work I have to do for school tomorrow *:S :-( gosh I dont wanna! lol

Well take care p-oh-plez.

Im outz, <3

Dreams

I stand still in an active crowd. The world passes me by and still I linger in the same place I've been for years; No where. I've been empty, and satisfied both at once. I smile one day, and the next I wallow in the shadows of my worries. Though so much has happened in recent years, it seems like nothing has at the same time.

My goals, my dreams... Will they be attainable? It seems my dreams torment me now. They weaken me, my inablility to persue them unravel my willfull nature. But not only do I dream of the things my heart desires, but of those I need. Those that I couldn't survive without. I try so, I try, I fight... But I feel like I am alone in this battle with time. That the moment time goes by in excess, my efforts will have been in vain, and this tiresome battle to live my dream, will end... and I will have gained nothing; I'd walk away empty handed, with but the memory of a dream that never came true. One I will never be able to let go of for as long as I live.

I need to have faith. In time, in myself, in my dream.

What will tomorrow bring? Once it was so clear, but now obscure. Hidden behind the worries and doubts placed in me by time, by the little things that I see each day.

Daniella

Who's that baby? Lovely baby....
Isnt she adorable?! Daniella T.
April 3rd, 2006

More pics, yes I know too many lol

Simply Me

Here are pics I said Id post:

Life so far

Hey pplz, how u doin? Im really bored now... just thought Id write to keep myself entertained...

Spring is here and so are the irritating allergies, sinuses, headaches... Oh well, atleast the warmth is back, today was 80 degrees :) I am working on changing my wardrobe. The clothes I have now are very imature and old and I want to look my age. I want to look elegant, well kept, nice. I want to feel good about myself for a change. I think if I take care of myself more I will look and feel more confident and comfortable about myself. Not to mention be more outgoing. Anyway... Today was ladies day out, I went with mom and we got our hair done, shopped for clothes, and look great I think. I got highlights, (I will post pics later, my camera is out of batteries :S), and a hair cut cuz my end were horribly spit.

Things at home are ok. I am starting to get anxious. I really wanna see you Mike. Almost 3 months now. Too long, I need to do something to go over there because I am getting all blah. Why cant things be easier?

I forgot to write about my two little birdies. We got little baby cockatiels, a white and yellow girl with orangey cheeks, and a cinamon pearl boy with a yellow crest and orangey cheeks. His name is Pinchi, hers is Princessa. They have grown so fast. He is a sweetheart, he loves to be held, picks at our clothes, sits on our shoulders and wont fly away, and he kisses my mom lol. I dont like it when he kisses me eeeww lol. She is a little pain, a brat. She loves to fly, she is younger and more hyper than he is. She is still scared of us, and isnt happy unless she is eating or has jewelry to play with lol. Typical woman? hehe. But she has her sweet side :) she loves to play with my hair and walk on my shoulders and back, and eat off my hand. She chirps everytime I walk in the room. She is adorable. Roger is so jealous of them, but I pay extra attention to him now so he wont be too sore. He has tons of toys and treats, and we play with him all the time. They swear they are real children lol.

I've successfully planted flowers this year! I love it. Its relaxing, very calming for me. I love to watch them grow :)

School... Sigh, I am tired of it right now. It feels like I lost my momentum and I need to recharge my batteries. I dont wanna go this summer but I have to, because I need to grad. before time. I dont wanna spend 4 years doing this crap. Might as well get it over with...

Ima paint my room soon. A nice creamy beige, and my bathroom a light minty green. I love decorating, I cant wait to have my degree so I can be a designer :) I love decorating, arranging rooms, drawing, gardening... Making something unique and beautiful :P

WOW my head hurts so bad right now... Ima stop writing for now and take some motrin...

Goodnight guys, hope ur doin good :)

Im outy,
Zuli <3