I am laying here in this new room I still can?t call my own. I am in a state I feel like I will never be part of, I?ll never get used to a life here. I?m in a house I can?t call home. It is big, roomy, beautiful, but it?s missing everything that I need in order to feel complete. You called me a few hours ago on your father?s phone, I couldn?t pick up at the time. I was with my mother. I don?t know if you wanted me to call you back or not, I am hoping so hard that you will call me tonight. I?m wishing that you could take your dad?s phone again so that I can at least feel like you?re nearer than you really are. These have been the two most terrible days of this year. Yesterday was such a long day baby, I needed you so bad; but circumstances didn?t allow me to reach you. I had to be with my mother all day and your phone well? it?s gone right now. It took so long to reach our destination; I looked at the mile meter so many times, thinking that every hour I was getting farther and farther from you, farther from home. We got here around 9 pm. I gave my mom a card my sister wrote to her. In it she told my mom how I feel about July, that she should try to get closer to Jorge, stuff about my dad and her shopping habits. This was the first time I talked to my mom about July. She told me that she is not angry at me, and that she isn?t judging me at all. That she knows what happened with my ex and this summer were mistakes and that she hoped I learned many things from them, and that she was only disappointed at first. She made me talk about how I felt. It was such a horrible feeling to talk about it. She forced me to remember something I wish would fade away. I couldn?t talk, I looked at her and tried so damn hard not to cry, but she looked at me and I cried like a little girl again. No words could describe how I felt. They exist, I can say them now, but they can?t explain their magnitude. I?m ashamed of myself, angry, frustrated, trapped, used, hurt; I blame myself for everything that happened to me. I didn?t know that the wounds left in me that summer are still so fresh, they feel so new. My mother told me how she feels too. She told me that I am judging myself so much harder than she and my father. She spoke about her first husband. Now, my mom is hurting because she sees herself in me. She married a sweetheart that turned into a monster. She tried so hard to please him, to make him proud; she gave him everything she had and he crushed her heart into tiny pieces. He stepped all over it and laughed in her face. He wasn?t there for her when she lost her babies, his babies. She has carried a wound in her that hasn?t healed, and will never. She told me that she saw how I protected, nurtured, and cared for a stranger that used, and insulted, and put me down. That she knows that I hate him for that. She says that I hate him because I tried so hard to make him see that I tried to make things as best I could for him. That he was my first experience and it is one I will never erase or forget. That he broke my pride and the piece of it that he took with him will never be filled, that there will be a part of me that he destroyed; and for that I hate him and look down upon him. For the first time my mom knew what was inside me. She is worried that the negative parts of my life will ?warp? me as they did to her. That she is sick because she had an intense and rough quality of life growing up; in love and in life. She doesn?t want those things for me. She wanted me to know that she is my friend not my enemy. She thought I opened the door for kb to get revenge on her and my dad. She thought I was trying to get back at her for all the things she had said about. But I told her why I talked to him, why I opened the door. I had found out that he was lying to me, and that he thought he had me owned. That he could do as he pleases and he would be the only guy I could attract or have. So I started talking to kb just to show I can find someone and I didn?t need him. But it backfired. Things went further than they should have by his will and he hurt me and I still feel that it was all my fault. She said that she doesn?t want a rich man for me. It?s not what she is after. She wants (for me) a man who will love me and do anything to keep me happy; a man who will tolerate me and not hurt me. She talked about my sister and I. How we don?t respect ourselves as much as we should. She told me that she has seen my sister and me together and that although my sister is older and has green eyes, somehow my confidence appeals to others. It is what makes me interesting. She said that any man would be lucky to have me. She said that she knows I can do anything I want to, anything. She described me as stubborn, persistent, out-going, dominant, intelligent, keen and clever. My mind works in ways that help me succeed in absolutely everything I do, and want to do. She said that I am a miracle of God. That he created a perfect creature for her, and that the man for me should treat me that way. As she said that I thought of you, and how I know for sure that she would be proud that I found someone like you because you treat me as if I were truly an angel. That was one day only. Today was just hectic. Woke up at 7 am, got water and gas put on in the house. I?m getting internet soon baby, thank God! Took a bubble bath, used the phone a while. My mom went shopping and I took a nap. She called me and woke me up to tell me that my car had been stolen. It turned out she forgot the color of my car, she was thinking about my sister?s car. She was looking for a burgundy-red ford focus, isn?t that crazy? She was dead tired today. We ate, cleaned. I flushed one of the toilets and it overflowed. My dog was puking everywhere and I had to clean it. So here I am in the night again, missing you with all my heart. I cried myself to sleep last night. I?m so tired of crying, but it seems right now life is all about letting some tears out. Baby, I hope to see you soon. I promise I will go soon. I love you with all my heart, my soul, my life. I love you whether I am here or in Virginia. Well I?ll say good night now baby. I love you. Bai bai for tonight.
Con todo mi amor,
Chikita
<
End: 1:11am
11:10 pm June 26th, 2005
I asked you a dumb question just now. ?Do you think you?ll still love me by the time I go visit you.? I hope you do. It?s true; you never know what the future will bring. But all I can do is believe that you will. It?s terrible not talking to you all day like it?s been for these past few days. I spend every second torturing myself; wondering what you?re doing, what you?re feeling. Wondering what mood you?d be in if I could at least talk to you. Memories mean so much to me. When I left home, it was like a piece of me was ripped out. I left the place I grew, the place I loved, the place where the one I love is. Strange though, we have still managed to talk everyday for 10 months; even if it?s just a couple of minutes a day. Not much huh? This summer is going to be more difficult than I had imagined. Crying isn?t helping at all. But it?s all I can do when I?m here in the dark, wondering why this had to happen. Wondering why it is that the things I most fear in life always seem to find their way to me. But you are my only light in this darkness baby. Sounds dramatic huh? Sounds cliché? But it is the way I feel. Your presence in my life thrills me. You are my best friend, my happiness, my smile? my light. So summer school day 1 starts for you tomorrow, on our 10th month anniversary. I know you?re not excited at all about it, but I know you?ll do your best. You know, I?d do anything in my power for you. I?m trying my hardest to visit you as soon as I can baby. I may not see you as often as I did when I was there, but I will do my best. God I love you baby. I can never say it enough.
End: 11:26 pm
11:27 pm June 26th, 2005
They created those clouds above me,
They hid the sun from me so I can never see,
It?s been raining violently,
Enough to make and endless sea,
To tire me, drown me.
I can?t stop this monsoon,
I can hope it?ll be over soon,
Survive in this deadly lagoon
Take on this stubborn typhoon.
They took the sun unsuspecting,
Not knowing that a part of me is dying,
My heart and soul are crying,
Yet this pain I go on defying,
These barriers I?ll continue challenging.
So upon me falls this endless rain,
It pours and I?m in pain,
Bring it on though I?ll take what comes my way,
I?ll wait for the sun to come and stay,
Wait patiently for that day,
But until then I won?t shatter,
I?ll learn to breathe beneath the water,
No matter how long those clouds hide the sun,
I?ll always turn my back on them,
The sun will always have my affection,
My attention,
My adoration and devotion.
I?ll remain looking up above,
Making my way to the one I?m fond of,
You?ll always have my love.
End: 12:18 am June 27th, 2005
Start: 11:43 pm June 29th, 2005
So what?s new now? Everything and nothing. I feel so many things now, I remember last summer. What was going on last summer? Well, I had my sprint. I used to call Quintin, Alisha, Aaron, John, Rosa, I had the freedom to do so. I told KB that I was in Puerto Rico that summer, and that was why I couldn?t see him. I was still in VA but I wanted to avoid him and his sexual cravings and fantasies. Well that was in July at least. I talked to him occasionally online. We talked about our previous relationships. He told me about his sleepless nights and confusion. Later on about his soccer team. End of July I started to conquer my timid ways and hinted to him that I wanted to be with him. You were in summer school, well sort of. Life was hectic for you at that time I guess. I mean you had recently moved, you were in summer school, and you also managed to be part of a soccer team. You didn?t have much time for me that summer. We talked through emails, IM, sometimes the phone. But at the end of August, things got even better and we talked more and more. I started school at Edison, he started at Battlefield. We were together by then, but we barely talked. I think we went about 2 or more weeks not being able to talk. I don?t know how we did that.
You just started summer school, I just moved. Not 29 miles away, but more than 500. I bought a new cell just to talk to you. Bad luck stuck in the beginning, your phone got screwed, I was alone with my mom, and I had no internet. We haven?t talked much since the 23rd. I miss you so much. I wish I knew what you feel right now. I know something is wrong.
All I know? I love you baby. With all my heart. This heart that hurts when yours does. This heart that remains there beside yours no matter what. No matter what happens. This heart that belongs to you. I love you so much baby, I wish there were words to tell you how much. I love you.
End: 12:30 am
