Friday, April 29, 2005
NOTE
Eternity, and the post after it were both random things I wrote. Coincidence that they are very similar. I just like the idea of meeting the person you love in heaven.
Live without the sunlight, Love without your heart beat, I cant live without you.
Class began, Miguel Angel sat down in his uncomfortable seat, and took out his notebook. Mr. Lopez began the lecture as soon as everyone settled down, he was a stiff teacher and felt the need to follow a certain routine for the rest of the year. The students all knew the drill: sit, take out your books, and listen. The entire class struggled to take notes, Mr. Lopez liked fast discussions. Today Miguel Angel wasnt in the mood to torture his fingers, or listen to the teacher's sophomoric voice. He was in a state of shock, deep depression.
That morning he waited for his best friend Isabela at the benches just outside the main entrance of the school. He intened on telling her how much he cared about her today. He worked up the courage to tell her that he fell in love with her at some point in their relationship, and wanted to know if she felt the same. He was almost sure she did. However, this morning she didn't arrive to meet him, she didnt even make it to first period. He was very surprised, Isabela always had perfect attendance, ever since first grade. He went on to second period, english 11, she wasnt waiting for him at the locker as she always had. She would have his books ready for him, and smile as he approached the locker. Then he'd walk her to class and go on his way.
Half way through english, Miguel Angel was called to the office. Of course the imature section of the class began their silly "OOOh you're in troooble" chants. He walked out, still looking through the hallway to see if she was around. No such luck. He was made to wait in the principal's office. He sat in there alone for 10 minutes. He'd never been in there, he was rather impressed. The office was bigger than his room, it had a great view of the school court yard, and had tons and tons of pictures on the walls and on the desk (most likely family). "Miguel Angel?" the principal entered her office with a stern face, gloomy looking. Not her usual lively, wacky adult self. "Uh what's goin' on Mrs. Maldonado?" now Miguel Angel was beginning to get worried.
-I've called you in to share some regretful news. Isabel Miranda's parents just called me a little while ago. They wanted you to know something in regard to their daughter, I know she is your best friend.
~What happened? Miguel Angel's mind grew restless.
-I am so sorry Miguel, Last night... last night she had a fight with her mother. They were talking about you. Isabel got upset and ran out of the house, to see you. She wasnt thinking, she just ran. She ran into the street, she ran right infront of a vehicle.
~What are you talking about?! Isabel is ok isnt she?! Just tell me she's alright! Tell me she is ok!
-She was taken to intensive care immediately, she died almost instantly. She asked for you right before she went. It was too late. Her injuries were fatal. Isabel is gone.
Miguel Angel said nothing. He looked out the window into the court yard. He and Isabel spent a lot of time in that court yard together. They sat under the shade of the flamboyan tree. She loved the bright red flowers that covered every inch of the branches on that tree. He couldnt believe she was gone. Mrs. Maldonado continued speaking. He didnt hear a word she said. He only stared at the tree, as tears began streaming freely down his cheeks.
He left the office in a trance, walking slowly, looking into space. He didnt know what to do, where to go, he would usually go to her. He went to 3rd period. Mr. Lopez's class. He sat, and stared into nothing. He could think of nothing else, just Isabela, and how she left. How it was his fault, she was running to him.
Mr. Lopez noticed Miguel Angel, doing nothing, not taking notes. Began yelling and scolding him for not following directions. Miguel Angel cared of nothing at the moment, and walked out of class, walked out into the courtyard and sat beneathe the tree.
He wanted to die with her. He couldnt imagine tomorrow without her. Today had already been a nightmare. He cried more, hoping that she knew how much he loved her. He cried, now he knew she loved him too.
Time passed, Miguel Angel changed completely. He was silent and serious. Always alone. He didnt speak much, and when he had free time, he spent it beneathe Isabel's favorite tree.
He became very ill after a while. The doctors didnt know what was wrong with him. He spent weeks in bed, Miguel Angel was much too week to walk. Miguel Angel felt himself dying, little by little, more and more as the days went by. One night he dreamed with Isabel.
He felt alive again, the dream felt so real. She was there with him, beneathe her tree. He woke that morning, he knew she came for him last night. He begged his mother to take him to the tree. He sat beneathe the tree one last time, and rested under its cool shade. His mother watched him from a distance. Miguel Angel looked into the sky, smiled and left with Isabela. They were meant to be together. His mother felt relieved in a way, although she felt overwhelming pain in her heart. Her little boy left, but he left content. He found his soul mate. He wasnt so alone where he went to, not as alone as he was when Isabel past away.
That morning he waited for his best friend Isabela at the benches just outside the main entrance of the school. He intened on telling her how much he cared about her today. He worked up the courage to tell her that he fell in love with her at some point in their relationship, and wanted to know if she felt the same. He was almost sure she did. However, this morning she didn't arrive to meet him, she didnt even make it to first period. He was very surprised, Isabela always had perfect attendance, ever since first grade. He went on to second period, english 11, she wasnt waiting for him at the locker as she always had. She would have his books ready for him, and smile as he approached the locker. Then he'd walk her to class and go on his way.
Half way through english, Miguel Angel was called to the office. Of course the imature section of the class began their silly "OOOh you're in troooble" chants. He walked out, still looking through the hallway to see if she was around. No such luck. He was made to wait in the principal's office. He sat in there alone for 10 minutes. He'd never been in there, he was rather impressed. The office was bigger than his room, it had a great view of the school court yard, and had tons and tons of pictures on the walls and on the desk (most likely family). "Miguel Angel?" the principal entered her office with a stern face, gloomy looking. Not her usual lively, wacky adult self. "Uh what's goin' on Mrs. Maldonado?" now Miguel Angel was beginning to get worried.
-I've called you in to share some regretful news. Isabel Miranda's parents just called me a little while ago. They wanted you to know something in regard to their daughter, I know she is your best friend.
~What happened? Miguel Angel's mind grew restless.
-I am so sorry Miguel, Last night... last night she had a fight with her mother. They were talking about you. Isabel got upset and ran out of the house, to see you. She wasnt thinking, she just ran. She ran into the street, she ran right infront of a vehicle.
~What are you talking about?! Isabel is ok isnt she?! Just tell me she's alright! Tell me she is ok!
-She was taken to intensive care immediately, she died almost instantly. She asked for you right before she went. It was too late. Her injuries were fatal. Isabel is gone.
Miguel Angel said nothing. He looked out the window into the court yard. He and Isabel spent a lot of time in that court yard together. They sat under the shade of the flamboyan tree. She loved the bright red flowers that covered every inch of the branches on that tree. He couldnt believe she was gone. Mrs. Maldonado continued speaking. He didnt hear a word she said. He only stared at the tree, as tears began streaming freely down his cheeks.
He left the office in a trance, walking slowly, looking into space. He didnt know what to do, where to go, he would usually go to her. He went to 3rd period. Mr. Lopez's class. He sat, and stared into nothing. He could think of nothing else, just Isabela, and how she left. How it was his fault, she was running to him.
Mr. Lopez noticed Miguel Angel, doing nothing, not taking notes. Began yelling and scolding him for not following directions. Miguel Angel cared of nothing at the moment, and walked out of class, walked out into the courtyard and sat beneathe the tree.
He wanted to die with her. He couldnt imagine tomorrow without her. Today had already been a nightmare. He cried more, hoping that she knew how much he loved her. He cried, now he knew she loved him too.
Time passed, Miguel Angel changed completely. He was silent and serious. Always alone. He didnt speak much, and when he had free time, he spent it beneathe Isabel's favorite tree.
He became very ill after a while. The doctors didnt know what was wrong with him. He spent weeks in bed, Miguel Angel was much too week to walk. Miguel Angel felt himself dying, little by little, more and more as the days went by. One night he dreamed with Isabel.
He felt alive again, the dream felt so real. She was there with him, beneathe her tree. He woke that morning, he knew she came for him last night. He begged his mother to take him to the tree. He sat beneathe the tree one last time, and rested under its cool shade. His mother watched him from a distance. Miguel Angel looked into the sky, smiled and left with Isabela. They were meant to be together. His mother felt relieved in a way, although she felt overwhelming pain in her heart. Her little boy left, but he left content. He found his soul mate. He wasnt so alone where he went to, not as alone as he was when Isabel past away.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
Eternity
The morning light shone strong on her eyes and woke her very suddenly that day. She slowly opened her eyes and looked out her window as she always had. Not a cloud in the sky, a pleasant summer day. She watched the trees sway, dancing to the gentle breeze. A blood red cardinal swooping by determined to encounter his first meal of the day. The houses still and lifeless, the day hadn't yet began, only for her. Life seemed so still at that moment, she enjoyed mornings like these.
She looked around her room. The prison she spent her days in, the sanctuary that protected her from the controlling tyrants her parents were. She found a letter glowing there on her night table, a letter sent down by an angel. Curiousity overpowered her and she quickly opened and read it.
He wanted her to know he had been watching her everyday from the clouds, through the sunshine, the rain, and in the night. He had been waiting for her, he'd fallen in love with her more and more as the days progressed. He wished to share his life with her in the heavens.
As she read his golden writing, so many thoughts flooded her mind and rushed through her heart. She felt all the while as if someone were there watching her. As she slept, when she cried, when she laughed. She realized he was always there, he was the soothing presence she had always sensed.
She had nothing to think about. She looked into the sky wondering if he'd know her answer. Softly, she spoke to him, she made a choice.
"Yes. Take me, so I can share my life with you. I know you've been here all along, why hadn't you asked before? Take me, take my secrets, my heart beat, my soul. I've also been waiting for you."
All day she waited. She sat among the roses and the daisies in her garden staring into the sky searching for the angel, waiting patiently for a sign of him. She hoped he'd heard her reply. Darker and darker, fields of clouds began covering the once perfectly cloudless August sky. She remained there in the garden beneathe the violent rain, waiting for her angel.
She lost hope as the day became the night. After the clouds diminished and tiny stars peered out and kept the cresent moon company. She went inside and bathed, feeling her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. She went off to bed, and cried herself to sleep. She never woke again, her mother tried waking her the next morning and found that her daughter fell into an eternal sleep.
He took her that night. She saw him for the first time in the heavens. He was just as she'd always dreamed he'd be. She was lost in his brilliant auburn eyes, captured by his tender smile. They roamed the sky together all day, lay in vast gardens of roses, daisies, tulips, orchids. They shared their passion, felt love blazing in their skin with every touch. They promised each other eternity, days like this forever.
She looked around her room. The prison she spent her days in, the sanctuary that protected her from the controlling tyrants her parents were. She found a letter glowing there on her night table, a letter sent down by an angel. Curiousity overpowered her and she quickly opened and read it.
He wanted her to know he had been watching her everyday from the clouds, through the sunshine, the rain, and in the night. He had been waiting for her, he'd fallen in love with her more and more as the days progressed. He wished to share his life with her in the heavens.
As she read his golden writing, so many thoughts flooded her mind and rushed through her heart. She felt all the while as if someone were there watching her. As she slept, when she cried, when she laughed. She realized he was always there, he was the soothing presence she had always sensed.
She had nothing to think about. She looked into the sky wondering if he'd know her answer. Softly, she spoke to him, she made a choice.
"Yes. Take me, so I can share my life with you. I know you've been here all along, why hadn't you asked before? Take me, take my secrets, my heart beat, my soul. I've also been waiting for you."
All day she waited. She sat among the roses and the daisies in her garden staring into the sky searching for the angel, waiting patiently for a sign of him. She hoped he'd heard her reply. Darker and darker, fields of clouds began covering the once perfectly cloudless August sky. She remained there in the garden beneathe the violent rain, waiting for her angel.
She lost hope as the day became the night. After the clouds diminished and tiny stars peered out and kept the cresent moon company. She went inside and bathed, feeling her heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. She went off to bed, and cried herself to sleep. She never woke again, her mother tried waking her the next morning and found that her daughter fell into an eternal sleep.
He took her that night. She saw him for the first time in the heavens. He was just as she'd always dreamed he'd be. She was lost in his brilliant auburn eyes, captured by his tender smile. They roamed the sky together all day, lay in vast gardens of roses, daisies, tulips, orchids. They shared their passion, felt love blazing in their skin with every touch. They promised each other eternity, days like this forever.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Tok abowt bad grammer!!!!! ;)
Happee annibersery baybee!
Won moore lepht til NiNe.
Eye Hoap yew had a gud dai at skool.
Eye luv yew berry berry mucho!!!!! :D
PS: Eye jest phelt lyke riting lyke dis... Doant ask, hehe. ;) Eye em Jest berry board.
Won moore lepht til NiNe.
Eye Hoap yew had a gud dai at skool.
Eye luv yew berry berry mucho!!!!! :D
PS: Eye jest phelt lyke riting lyke dis... Doant ask, hehe. ;) Eye em Jest berry board.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Hoy
You were telling me bout how you wanted to just hold me last night... I wanted you to hold me so bad... I couldnt take it n e more, so I planned to see you. This morning I was talking to that guy in my art class, he asked me why I looked so sad. I told him why... B/c I wanted to see you and I thought I couldnt. So he smiled and asked why. I told him about traffic and the time and how far it was. I told him it was too much of a risk and before he could respond I asked myself, "since when do I care about risks?" and I went to see you, even if it was for a little while. I wanted to be with you so badly.
I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to be there as soon as you got home, but I pictured you at Haymarket or something, its a nice day to chill with your friends. So I called you. I hope you were surprised. I sat in my car for a long time thinking that I wanted it to be like that everyday. It would be so great if you could come home to me everyday... Happy 8th anniversary mi amor! I love you con todo mi corazon... <3
I wanted to surprise you. I wanted to be there as soon as you got home, but I pictured you at Haymarket or something, its a nice day to chill with your friends. So I called you. I hope you were surprised. I sat in my car for a long time thinking that I wanted it to be like that everyday. It would be so great if you could come home to me everyday... Happy 8th anniversary mi amor! I love you con todo mi corazon... <3
Sunday, April 24, 2005
EDITED
I spent a couple of hours writing a post earlier, and I just erased it cuz I felt bad...
I guess this week is step all over Zuli week. Couple of days ago he called me boring... My cell got taken away from me. I found out I may be leaving in May. I told him that if he can go to NY he can visit me in TN... He said that his dad doesnt like waisting his mileage on stupid things. Maybe Im just sensitive. but, still I feel bad.
:'( Thanks...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote the above yesterday. I'd like to take some things back. So yes, he did say I was boring and that thing about going to Tennessee. But I know he would never say things to hurt me, or mean something like that. I know he jokes alot. He is evil ;)... Im a girl, and like most girls... Overlly dramatic.
Im sorry baby, I didnt mean to make u feel guilty or anything. I love you!!! MUAH!
:$ Im SoWeE BeBe :S <3>
I guess this week is step all over Zuli week. Couple of days ago he called me boring... My cell got taken away from me. I found out I may be leaving in May. I told him that if he can go to NY he can visit me in TN... He said that his dad doesnt like waisting his mileage on stupid things. Maybe Im just sensitive. but, still I feel bad.
:'( Thanks...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote the above yesterday. I'd like to take some things back. So yes, he did say I was boring and that thing about going to Tennessee. But I know he would never say things to hurt me, or mean something like that. I know he jokes alot. He is evil ;)... Im a girl, and like most girls... Overlly dramatic.
Im sorry baby, I didnt mean to make u feel guilty or anything. I love you!!! MUAH!
:$ Im SoWeE BeBe :S <3>
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Masquerade
White roses scattered throughout the Ball room, dozen rose bouquets on every table covered with golden silk cloths. Marble floors, golden trims, wine, and champagne. Women in beautiful gowns of every color, their men princes for the night; hiding behind the most spectacular exotic masks. This masquerade was the world that night, and you were the King that stood above it all, watching as your subjects danced and marveled at your feet.
We were alone, making our way through the crowds of masked dancers. They ridiculed me, as they danced and I wandered on, wondering what I was doing in a place like this. Why did I dream of being in this masquerade among these beautiful strangers that had no respect for me? My dreams were crushed as I saw them pointing at me, and I just walked among them until I saw you. The crowd parted and there you were. I didnt know who you were, I didnt know I was looking at a King. I fell in love with you, the man who like me wore no mask. The man walking alone in his own Ball.
We made our way to each other, looking into each other's eyes every second, falling in love. And we danced, all night we danced. And those who laughed at the girl alone earlier were now gazing at her in amazement. We were the only ones dancing then, your world became mine. And my dreams came alive, that moment I met you I had more than I ever dreamed of. I felt, as I looked deeper into those clear expressive eyes, that I was living in the stars.
We danced forever in this world, in this masquerade. They all envied us, our seemingly carefree state, the way we could see each other as we were, and they hid behind their masks for fear of being seen as they trully were. The way they saw us falling in love so quickly, and they had never felt such a thing. The thrill they saw in us, as we moved together, as they witnessed our passion.
First love, it was a first time love for us both. First kiss that made the world disappear, that made the ball room into the sky, we were dancing by the moon. First time we trully lived, trully loved. The first time I saw the sky in the eyes of a stranger, and I felt my heart beating so fast. What a beautiful you.
We were alone, making our way through the crowds of masked dancers. They ridiculed me, as they danced and I wandered on, wondering what I was doing in a place like this. Why did I dream of being in this masquerade among these beautiful strangers that had no respect for me? My dreams were crushed as I saw them pointing at me, and I just walked among them until I saw you. The crowd parted and there you were. I didnt know who you were, I didnt know I was looking at a King. I fell in love with you, the man who like me wore no mask. The man walking alone in his own Ball.
We made our way to each other, looking into each other's eyes every second, falling in love. And we danced, all night we danced. And those who laughed at the girl alone earlier were now gazing at her in amazement. We were the only ones dancing then, your world became mine. And my dreams came alive, that moment I met you I had more than I ever dreamed of. I felt, as I looked deeper into those clear expressive eyes, that I was living in the stars.
We danced forever in this world, in this masquerade. They all envied us, our seemingly carefree state, the way we could see each other as we were, and they hid behind their masks for fear of being seen as they trully were. The way they saw us falling in love so quickly, and they had never felt such a thing. The thrill they saw in us, as we moved together, as they witnessed our passion.
First love, it was a first time love for us both. First kiss that made the world disappear, that made the ball room into the sky, we were dancing by the moon. First time we trully lived, trully loved. The first time I saw the sky in the eyes of a stranger, and I felt my heart beating so fast. What a beautiful you.
Friday, April 22, 2005
The World Falls
The world falls down,
The same way she fell in love,
What's changed? Whats wrong?
Foolish heart
The world falls down,
There's nothing she can do about it,
The pain goes through,
there's nothing she can do about it.
The world falls down,
Where's the sparkle in her eyes gone to?
Nothing makes sense,
Where's her smile gone to?
The world falls down,
She feels it falling within,
The tears fall down,
She feels so strange within.
The world falls down,
She's still in love,
What's going on?
What has she lost?
Her world falls down,
Her tears roll down,
Where's the warmth gone to?
This feeling's built deep inside.
The world keeps falling,
Who will make it come alive again?
Who can tell her what's wrong?
Who can say what's changed?
The world has fallen,
Bring back the sun,
Bring back the moon,
Bring back the stars...
Bring back the sparkle in her eyes,
Bring back her smile,
Bring back the warmth,
Love her back, the way she's always loved you.
The same way she fell in love,
What's changed? Whats wrong?
Foolish heart
The world falls down,
There's nothing she can do about it,
The pain goes through,
there's nothing she can do about it.
The world falls down,
Where's the sparkle in her eyes gone to?
Nothing makes sense,
Where's her smile gone to?
The world falls down,
She feels it falling within,
The tears fall down,
She feels so strange within.
The world falls down,
She's still in love,
What's going on?
What has she lost?
Her world falls down,
Her tears roll down,
Where's the warmth gone to?
This feeling's built deep inside.
The world keeps falling,
Who will make it come alive again?
Who can tell her what's wrong?
Who can say what's changed?
The world has fallen,
Bring back the sun,
Bring back the moon,
Bring back the stars...
Bring back the sparkle in her eyes,
Bring back her smile,
Bring back the warmth,
Love her back, the way she's always loved you.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
My second art piece, this is the process. From top to bottom, I had to simplify the image. The top is made in only water color, second one, is in water color and water color pencil, 3 is with the other two and oil pastels, and 4 is all of the ones mentions with regular pencil.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Emptying the mind, the heart, and the soul....
I've been trying to write for a few days, about things on my mind. I havent been able to seeing as though I cant sort these thoughts out in writing. Too much on my mind. So he told me to take it one at a time, and I guess it's what I'll do.
I just got done talking to him. Got a little upset, instead of setting priorities, he goes to his friend's house to do nothing productive with his time. That's not what angers me, just that I dont understand the way he gave up. Its something I just discovered about myself. I think that the only true failure is giving up. I dont ever give up even when the outcome of a situation is not changeable. Not everyone is like me though. Im not disappointed in him... Id say I just dont like to accept giving up. I dont see it as a good thing, maybe just because Im an extremely stubborn person. I also have an immense amount of trouble accepting things which I cannot change. Stubborness isnt a very good quality to have in a person... Not the kind of stubborn I am at least. Maybe Im wrong, maybe giving up isnt that much of a bad thing, at least when the situation is irrepairable. ANYWAY, I also talked to his friend incredibley briefly... I wasnt my u sual friendly, hyper self this time. I was like whatever. I hope he doesnt have a bad impression of me, I guess I just wasnt prepared to talk to a strange person or in the mood to talk to him either. I was fickle I think. :S
More thoughts... I've escaped to him twice now. It feels so nice to just go over to him. To be with him for those very few hours. 29 miles I drove, to be with him. I forget my worries when Im with him, nothing exists but us two. He looks happy when I see him; but is he trully happy the rest of the time? All the time we're apart and he is alone? I feel so selfish, asking him to wait for me like this. So selfish. I want to be the one who shares this beautiful thing called life with him. I want to grow with him, but how can I grow WITH him if Im not WITH him? Do I make him happy? Its all I want, for him to be happy. Am I selfish for keeping him? For loving him? For needing him all for myself? I cant let him go, is that selfish?
I asked my sister if I could stay with her, she turned me down. Am I that much of a burden? I dont feel like her sister. She has this friend, she's always with her. She stays at her house, day and night, studies with her... has fun with her. So why can she feed, and help, and care for this other person and not for me. Why am I second? She can aford to have that stranger stay with her, but not me. Thank you so much for keeping your promise. You told me I could always stay with you if I needed to. It was a lie. She told me to go to that damn state, to make a life there. I cant make a life there. My life is here. My life exists only with him. How can I make friends there, I dont want them. I had many friends here, they have no meaning to me. They do not trully care for me. A friend is a person you can count on. I couldnt count on the friends I had. In life you only find one true friend. I've found mine. He is all I need. Ive met people in my new school. They call me their friend, but they do not really care what happens to me.
One of my "friends" hurt me this summer. I never thought him capable of it, but I was wrong. I saw then that I was blind. That people in this world dont give a rats ass about the people they meet. They only care about one person, themselves. Im so disillusioned with the nature of the people of today.
Then there is the thought of the future. The world is changing more and more with every passing day. The youth is influenced more by the media and by their peers than by their parents. I began cussing when I was 10. I thought I was a big girl and I could. I new what the words meant, I knew how to use them to hurt others. 11, 12,13. I was a late bloomer then. The girls and boys were already making out, discovering their sexuality. My first baby kiss what at 13. My first real kiss at 15. When I was 14, most of my friends were no longer virgins, they were smoking and drinking and running away from home. I just cant help wondering what kind of world will my children one day be born to. How can I protect them? I never let my parents protect me, and still it angers me when they try. They couldnt stop me from learning things they didnt want me to. Even if I didnt learn it in class, or by them, Id learn it from a class mate, someone else. Will my kids grow up too fast too?
ANYWAY, *again, Im done typing... post ya later. peace.
PS. Te amo mi amor! MUAH
I just got done talking to him. Got a little upset, instead of setting priorities, he goes to his friend's house to do nothing productive with his time. That's not what angers me, just that I dont understand the way he gave up. Its something I just discovered about myself. I think that the only true failure is giving up. I dont ever give up even when the outcome of a situation is not changeable. Not everyone is like me though. Im not disappointed in him... Id say I just dont like to accept giving up. I dont see it as a good thing, maybe just because Im an extremely stubborn person. I also have an immense amount of trouble accepting things which I cannot change. Stubborness isnt a very good quality to have in a person... Not the kind of stubborn I am at least. Maybe Im wrong, maybe giving up isnt that much of a bad thing, at least when the situation is irrepairable. ANYWAY, I also talked to his friend incredibley briefly... I wasnt my u sual friendly, hyper self this time. I was like whatever. I hope he doesnt have a bad impression of me, I guess I just wasnt prepared to talk to a strange person or in the mood to talk to him either. I was fickle I think. :S
More thoughts... I've escaped to him twice now. It feels so nice to just go over to him. To be with him for those very few hours. 29 miles I drove, to be with him. I forget my worries when Im with him, nothing exists but us two. He looks happy when I see him; but is he trully happy the rest of the time? All the time we're apart and he is alone? I feel so selfish, asking him to wait for me like this. So selfish. I want to be the one who shares this beautiful thing called life with him. I want to grow with him, but how can I grow WITH him if Im not WITH him? Do I make him happy? Its all I want, for him to be happy. Am I selfish for keeping him? For loving him? For needing him all for myself? I cant let him go, is that selfish?
I asked my sister if I could stay with her, she turned me down. Am I that much of a burden? I dont feel like her sister. She has this friend, she's always with her. She stays at her house, day and night, studies with her... has fun with her. So why can she feed, and help, and care for this other person and not for me. Why am I second? She can aford to have that stranger stay with her, but not me. Thank you so much for keeping your promise. You told me I could always stay with you if I needed to. It was a lie. She told me to go to that damn state, to make a life there. I cant make a life there. My life is here. My life exists only with him. How can I make friends there, I dont want them. I had many friends here, they have no meaning to me. They do not trully care for me. A friend is a person you can count on. I couldnt count on the friends I had. In life you only find one true friend. I've found mine. He is all I need. Ive met people in my new school. They call me their friend, but they do not really care what happens to me.
One of my "friends" hurt me this summer. I never thought him capable of it, but I was wrong. I saw then that I was blind. That people in this world dont give a rats ass about the people they meet. They only care about one person, themselves. Im so disillusioned with the nature of the people of today.
Then there is the thought of the future. The world is changing more and more with every passing day. The youth is influenced more by the media and by their peers than by their parents. I began cussing when I was 10. I thought I was a big girl and I could. I new what the words meant, I knew how to use them to hurt others. 11, 12,13. I was a late bloomer then. The girls and boys were already making out, discovering their sexuality. My first baby kiss what at 13. My first real kiss at 15. When I was 14, most of my friends were no longer virgins, they were smoking and drinking and running away from home. I just cant help wondering what kind of world will my children one day be born to. How can I protect them? I never let my parents protect me, and still it angers me when they try. They couldnt stop me from learning things they didnt want me to. Even if I didnt learn it in class, or by them, Id learn it from a class mate, someone else. Will my kids grow up too fast too?
ANYWAY, *again, Im done typing... post ya later. peace.
PS. Te amo mi amor! MUAH
Monday, April 18, 2005
dont have a title
Another great day for me. I ran away to him again, to my favorite place in there world. I feel like Im home there. He made me drink tea, it was actually not all that bad, I just... well, its a wierd taste when u first take a sip. Not bad though baby, hehe. I got home at 1, my mom doesnt seem to care when I get home anymore. Good thing I guess.
I was rumaging through my mom's dresser, trying to find her reading glasses. Yes my mother is blind now at age 50, haha, not that old either, thats the sad part. So I found a set of pictures. They were of a filthy place. It was rotten and decomposing. My great grandma's house, Abuela Maria. My grandfather took care of his mother for years, but she was so angry at him. She threw terrible fits and eventually my grandfather had it. She hurt him badly, she didnt like my grandmother. She was supposed to be taken care of by another member of the family, I never met that lady. Years went by, my grandpa under the impression that she was being cared for... He went back with my grandmother, to see his mother. She was all alone in her tiny little house. Decrepit, disgusting. She had no money to pay for electricity or a phone. No food what so ever. The floors and the walls were covered in slime. Her furniture was rotting, broken. She had no clean clothes, she was all skin and bones. Like a living corpse they found her. Her skin was rotting, her eyes sunken in. no lips, no life in that old body. It hurt my grandpa to see his own mother that way. She did many bad things to him, but he loved her very much. I know he cried when he saw her. She never liked my grandmother, but this time, it seemed they made peace. My grandmother took her mother-in-law home and nurtured her in the last few days of her life. She bathed her, fed her, comforted her as if she were an infant again. They became friends at last. She died happily in my grandmother's house, I wish those people hadnt let her die that way. They let her suffer. She starved to death, my great grandmother.
How could people kill others like this. They took her money, they left her to die, and when she did, they wanted to profit from it.
Im sorry I was afraid of her. Im sorry I didnt get to know her well. Im sorry I couldnt help her, I was too young or too far to do anything for her.
I was rumaging through my mom's dresser, trying to find her reading glasses. Yes my mother is blind now at age 50, haha, not that old either, thats the sad part. So I found a set of pictures. They were of a filthy place. It was rotten and decomposing. My great grandma's house, Abuela Maria. My grandfather took care of his mother for years, but she was so angry at him. She threw terrible fits and eventually my grandfather had it. She hurt him badly, she didnt like my grandmother. She was supposed to be taken care of by another member of the family, I never met that lady. Years went by, my grandpa under the impression that she was being cared for... He went back with my grandmother, to see his mother. She was all alone in her tiny little house. Decrepit, disgusting. She had no money to pay for electricity or a phone. No food what so ever. The floors and the walls were covered in slime. Her furniture was rotting, broken. She had no clean clothes, she was all skin and bones. Like a living corpse they found her. Her skin was rotting, her eyes sunken in. no lips, no life in that old body. It hurt my grandpa to see his own mother that way. She did many bad things to him, but he loved her very much. I know he cried when he saw her. She never liked my grandmother, but this time, it seemed they made peace. My grandmother took her mother-in-law home and nurtured her in the last few days of her life. She bathed her, fed her, comforted her as if she were an infant again. They became friends at last. She died happily in my grandmother's house, I wish those people hadnt let her die that way. They let her suffer. She starved to death, my great grandmother.
How could people kill others like this. They took her money, they left her to die, and when she did, they wanted to profit from it.
Im sorry I was afraid of her. Im sorry I didnt get to know her well. Im sorry I couldnt help her, I was too young or too far to do anything for her.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Rejuvenated
Where are my fears now? They left me today, I feel rejuvenated, strengthened, fearless. Those enormous fears I've had for so long now suddenly died as I came alive. Monstrous memories that once haunted me diminished as I gained the security I've been craving all my life. Im confident in the future. So many things are too good to be true but one. Each day that passes I learn new things about life, about myself. I never knew I could love someone as much as I do. I never knew how far I'd go for another person, what I'd risk. I never knew someone could make me feel so safe, so lively, full of vigor. I've never felt the need for the presence of another in my life the way I need his. Yes, love is difficult for people my age. I may not be as mature as others older than I am, but I know Im mature enough to love and to be loved. I pursue everything I set my mind to, I accomplish that which I put my mind to. Nothing can change my mind, I'll be with him always. Once I was afraid of the obstacles life threw my way, but Im not afraid anymore and Im willing to face and overcome each and every one of them. For his sake, for mine.
Im in love.
Im in love.
My Thoughts and Beliefs.
"Home is where the heart is" ~> I'll never be home until I'm with him always.
"Rules may be meant to be broken, promises arent" ~> Self explanatory.
"The past makes us stronger" ~> Everyone has something bothersome in their past. Those experiences should serve to make us stronger. The past cannot kill it just hurts. Everyone has to face their past sooner or later. It wont go away if you just ignore it.
"Learn from your mistakes" ~> Mistakes make us wiser, only if we learn not to repeat them.
"Love is like baseball, mistakes are strikes. 3 strikes, ur out." ~> I'd only tolerate inexcuseable mistakes twice, on the third: ITS OVER.
"Love is a game for 2" ~> Its not about one person, its about the two in love. In love, selfish is non-existant.
"Pain is weakness, leaving the body" ~> Pain also strengthens us.
"Be true to yourself and others" ~> Lies not matter how big or small, hurt. Stay honest, be yourself. NO ONE LIKES A LIAR.
"Rules may be meant to be broken, promises arent" ~> Self explanatory.
"The past makes us stronger" ~> Everyone has something bothersome in their past. Those experiences should serve to make us stronger. The past cannot kill it just hurts. Everyone has to face their past sooner or later. It wont go away if you just ignore it.
"Learn from your mistakes" ~> Mistakes make us wiser, only if we learn not to repeat them.
"Love is like baseball, mistakes are strikes. 3 strikes, ur out." ~> I'd only tolerate inexcuseable mistakes twice, on the third: ITS OVER.
"Love is a game for 2" ~> Its not about one person, its about the two in love. In love, selfish is non-existant.
"Pain is weakness, leaving the body" ~> Pain also strengthens us.
"Be true to yourself and others" ~> Lies not matter how big or small, hurt. Stay honest, be yourself. NO ONE LIKES A LIAR.
Girl In My Mirror.
Just something I wrote all of a sudden. It just helps me realize, you can look at a person and not see what's inside. You can see what's on the outside, and never know what's inside.
Until the end of my days, she will stare back at me every time I look into the mirror. She's grown with me, since the day I was born. The girl on the other side of the mirror. She cries when I cry, smiles and frowns when I do. She's ill when I am, reacts the same as I do and yet doesnt feel my pains, my joys. She doesnt feel the tears that roll down her cheek as she stairs back at me. She doesnt rebel or think as I do. The girl in my mirror, so much like me and so not. My hair, my eyes, my nose, my lips. My chubby cheeks, my ears, my neck. She mimics my image, but never my mind. She'll never feel as I do.
Until the end of my days, she will stare back at me every time I look into the mirror. She's grown with me, since the day I was born. The girl on the other side of the mirror. She cries when I cry, smiles and frowns when I do. She's ill when I am, reacts the same as I do and yet doesnt feel my pains, my joys. She doesnt feel the tears that roll down her cheek as she stairs back at me. She doesnt rebel or think as I do. The girl in my mirror, so much like me and so not. My hair, my eyes, my nose, my lips. My chubby cheeks, my ears, my neck. She mimics my image, but never my mind. She'll never feel as I do.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Friggin 4rth time I write here today!
Ok, to top off my beautiful failing grade in algebra, my baby found himself near someone unexpected. OMG!!!!!! I never did get along with girls named Rachel. Shigady, Im not jealous because I dont trust him because I do, and 100%! . My jealousy derives from the undeniable fact that Im almost 30 miles away from him, and this little WHORE is within eyesight! This little tramp was close to him and I cant be!!!! OMG, I really cant stand her! She should move to China and never be near him again! I mean, she already got enough in the damn locker room! No ok, that man is mine! Those eyes, those lips, that voice, he is all mine! She doesnt deserve to even know him! Oh and then to top it all off, my dear little bro decides to tell me that MY BABY thought that that LITTLE PROSTITUTE was pretty hot! OMG, he never told me that. Maybe my bro is full of shit. But hey, that makes me even more bloody jealous. Im like freaking out here. Im not possessive, I just..... lkasjfikijsaga;l. Yeah, that. Im even more worked up thinking about this dirty bitch that I ever have been thinking about Janet (ex horse, I mean, girlfriend. *typo, NOT).
Ok so maybe Im a little worked up... *sigh, BUT DAMNIT! I miss him like hell, I think everyday of ways to see him, and this little bitch accidentally encounters him. What are the friggin chances of that?! Why cant I bump into him at a store or in the mall? WHY?!?!! AAAAAAAAAAH! haha, I must seem all psycho to all u other readers. haha, Im just letting some steam out. Im sure everyone has gone crazy at least once in their lives. LMFAO.
So now I got her slutty little self stuck in my thoughts, and that nasty kiss that never should have happened. She messed with the wrong guy, one day haha I WILL MEET HER.
Ok so maybe Im a little worked up... *sigh, BUT DAMNIT! I miss him like hell, I think everyday of ways to see him, and this little bitch accidentally encounters him. What are the friggin chances of that?! Why cant I bump into him at a store or in the mall? WHY?!?!! AAAAAAAAAAH! haha, I must seem all psycho to all u other readers. haha, Im just letting some steam out. Im sure everyone has gone crazy at least once in their lives. LMFAO.
So now I got her slutty little self stuck in my thoughts, and that nasty kiss that never should have happened. She messed with the wrong guy, one day haha I WILL MEET HER.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Poem # 2 made in algebra.
I wrote this to soothe me. My mother does love me, despite some things she says and does. All mothers love their children, even if it never showed, even if they're not around, no matter what.
Mother
She held me ever so gently,
Fed, loved and cared for me,
Kissed me softly on the cheek,
Love in every word she'd speak.
Watched me grow day after day,
As time went by drifted away,
I saw in you another,
You were not my caring mother.
I saw within you bitterness,
Rage, sorrow, emptiness,
I grew from you so distant,
Far from your cold cruel sentiment.
Sometimes beat me for no reason,
I longed to know my treason,
Endured your constant punishment,
Took in the painful words you meant.
Still now you like to put me down,
Make me cry, make me frown,
Now I only want to know,
Why mother? Why bring me down so low?
Why remind me of my nightmares?
Why intensify the sorrows I bare?
Why keep me in your suffocating grasp?
Why not let me go at last?
I start to hate the evil voice that sounds,
The voice whose words do drown me,
I miss your hugs, your kisses mom,
Why cant you hear my wishes mom?
I miss the voice that once caressed me,
I miss the eyes that guided me,
I miss the arms that once held me,
I miss the mother that loved me.
Mother
She held me ever so gently,
Fed, loved and cared for me,
Kissed me softly on the cheek,
Love in every word she'd speak.
Watched me grow day after day,
As time went by drifted away,
I saw in you another,
You were not my caring mother.
I saw within you bitterness,
Rage, sorrow, emptiness,
I grew from you so distant,
Far from your cold cruel sentiment.
Sometimes beat me for no reason,
I longed to know my treason,
Endured your constant punishment,
Took in the painful words you meant.
Still now you like to put me down,
Make me cry, make me frown,
Now I only want to know,
Why mother? Why bring me down so low?
Why remind me of my nightmares?
Why intensify the sorrows I bare?
Why keep me in your suffocating grasp?
Why not let me go at last?
I start to hate the evil voice that sounds,
The voice whose words do drown me,
I miss your hugs, your kisses mom,
Why cant you hear my wishes mom?
I miss the voice that once caressed me,
I miss the eyes that guided me,
I miss the arms that once held me,
I miss the mother that loved me.
Poems I wrote In Algebra 2 today
Beneathe the tears of the willow,
By the blackened river of destiny,
Above the dreams in the sky and below,
Sits a little girl puzzled by life's irony.
Gaze into the eyes of fate,
Challenge the will of the future,
Cry at the feet of time, its merciless state,
As she embraces the present that washes ashore.
Regret in her heart has disappeared,
Anger, emotion forever there,
Uncertainty, the monster she's always feared,
Shadows consuming, of them beware.
Disembarking on a journey,
pushed through life by the river's tide,
voyage from black river to shining sea,
Until there be nothing within to hide.
By the blackened river of destiny,
Above the dreams in the sky and below,
Sits a little girl puzzled by life's irony.
Gaze into the eyes of fate,
Challenge the will of the future,
Cry at the feet of time, its merciless state,
As she embraces the present that washes ashore.
Regret in her heart has disappeared,
Anger, emotion forever there,
Uncertainty, the monster she's always feared,
Shadows consuming, of them beware.
Disembarking on a journey,
pushed through life by the river's tide,
voyage from black river to shining sea,
Until there be nothing within to hide.
Que Dia haha
Wow today, I feel kinda wierd. It all started at 9:30 in the am. My dad came in my room and woke me up for school. My first class had even started by then. I got dressed and left. Got to school like at say, 10 am. I stood in my car until 10:50, just listening to music, singing, feeling the heat from the sun through the window. It was bliss. My day was made at the time. I was smiling and energetic. I got into class, ALGEBRA II. Now I really really really really really really really really suck at math. I was fine until the teach came in the room. Well, I knew the test was gonna be terrible, I knew it since the moment I started taking the test. So my spirits went down, and I spent the first 10 minutes of class writing poems and drawing. Professor Krize, wow i cant stand that man. He started class late. The first thing he said, "I will now pass back your tests, I am VERY disappointed in the scores. He handed a test to two guys sitting by me, and I was the third victim. So I sighed and looked at my test. 61%, surprise surprise. My previous scores, 68% 68% and some other score lower, I dont quite remember. In short ladies and gentlemen, the pass requirement for this pointless course, is 70%. To make matters worse, the man decided to collect the homework today, the homework I didnt do. He gave us an incredibley stuck up lecture on why we should do our homework, and let us out to break time. I was so damn pissed off by then, WHAT ARE WE, IN PRE-K OR SOMETHING!!!??? So I packed up my stuff right in front of him and left. I dont even get credit for that damn class, so what the hell do we need it for? How the hell is that kind of fucking math going to help me later on? Its not like im going to be measuring the area of my house and come up with an answer like + or - the square root of 17.34343/88!!! What the hell is this shit?! OMG, i think i almost got a heart attack in that class today.
So I go to my car, call my sister hyperventilating! haha, "Calm down mama," thats what she always tells me. LOL. So I went over to her office, she let me use the gym. I ran, for a grand total of five minutes. But hey, I have never ran five minutes straight without stopping for a walking break. I did some simulation mountain climbing, damn that shit was hard. I stopped climbing at the peak of the mountain and drank a gallon of water. There are certain simulation "exercises" I enjoy, that was definately not one of them. So I quit the gym. On the bright side, there was also a thin asian woman running on the tread mill, I ran even longer than her. LMAO. So I went to my sister's apartment, ate some good comida, lol, watched dumb shit, like buffy. I also watched Ground Hog day. My mom called and asked to use my car, nah, more like told me she was going to use my car. So she took it, and tricked me into going to Bed Bath and Beyond with her. I cant believe it, I actually got home before 4 pm! She didnt take a million hours at the store. So now Im here, in my room typing this.
So I guess Ive written alot of detail already, its been a long day. hehe, I can only hope my baby gets home before 10. I HOPE. lOl... So Ill be here, bored, and living. Write later. Baiz ;)
So I go to my car, call my sister hyperventilating! haha, "Calm down mama," thats what she always tells me. LOL. So I went over to her office, she let me use the gym. I ran, for a grand total of five minutes. But hey, I have never ran five minutes straight without stopping for a walking break. I did some simulation mountain climbing, damn that shit was hard. I stopped climbing at the peak of the mountain and drank a gallon of water. There are certain simulation "exercises" I enjoy, that was definately not one of them. So I quit the gym. On the bright side, there was also a thin asian woman running on the tread mill, I ran even longer than her. LMAO. So I went to my sister's apartment, ate some good comida, lol, watched dumb shit, like buffy. I also watched Ground Hog day. My mom called and asked to use my car, nah, more like told me she was going to use my car. So she took it, and tricked me into going to Bed Bath and Beyond with her. I cant believe it, I actually got home before 4 pm! She didnt take a million hours at the store. So now Im here, in my room typing this.
So I guess Ive written alot of detail already, its been a long day. hehe, I can only hope my baby gets home before 10. I HOPE. lOl... So Ill be here, bored, and living. Write later. Baiz ;)
The History of Him
I met him a a party, in my tenth grade year:
Rosa's quince anero, at a church. I wanted to dance with John, I had a real big crush on him, a baby crush. I never really pictured myself with John, I just thought he was cute. The party started and the DJ asked me to dance some salsa, he had been watching me the entire night. I wore a beautiful red dress that exposed my back. Everyone loved the way I looked that night, I know I looked elegant. I asked John to dance, he backed off, he said I dance way better than he did. So my pride took over and I ignored him, that is until he came to me and told me that I should kiss him, we were in church, haha. Just a peck, but his friend saw it happen, a guy I never met before that night. The stranger asked me to dance, we danced together the entire night, he treated it like a date. I found out only two things, he had to leave early he was on paroll and he liked my body. I remember John was mad I didnt pay attention to him haha he deserved it. I didnt talk to him much, he said hi occasionally in the hallways at school, and rode my afterschool bus sometimes.
Things with him were fine until one time afterschool. He walked with me to my locker, and had plans for me. He decided to take me beneathe a staircase and force a kiss on me. I remember him challenging me into it, but i tried to get away. He leaned to kiss me and i put my hand on his mouth and he subdued me and did it anyway. I didnt tell anyone, I didnt see it as something so bad. I just felt kinda creeped out. He mysteriously disappeared after that, I didnt hear from him until the summer before my senior year. He called me, asked to see me. Alisha brought him to my house. We talked, I asked him where he had been, he didnt tell me he said he couldnt. He called me alot after that, asking me if I would...
To be continued.... I dont feel like writing anymore about the matter, maybe later.
Rosa's quince anero, at a church. I wanted to dance with John, I had a real big crush on him, a baby crush. I never really pictured myself with John, I just thought he was cute. The party started and the DJ asked me to dance some salsa, he had been watching me the entire night. I wore a beautiful red dress that exposed my back. Everyone loved the way I looked that night, I know I looked elegant. I asked John to dance, he backed off, he said I dance way better than he did. So my pride took over and I ignored him, that is until he came to me and told me that I should kiss him, we were in church, haha. Just a peck, but his friend saw it happen, a guy I never met before that night. The stranger asked me to dance, we danced together the entire night, he treated it like a date. I found out only two things, he had to leave early he was on paroll and he liked my body. I remember John was mad I didnt pay attention to him haha he deserved it. I didnt talk to him much, he said hi occasionally in the hallways at school, and rode my afterschool bus sometimes.
Things with him were fine until one time afterschool. He walked with me to my locker, and had plans for me. He decided to take me beneathe a staircase and force a kiss on me. I remember him challenging me into it, but i tried to get away. He leaned to kiss me and i put my hand on his mouth and he subdued me and did it anyway. I didnt tell anyone, I didnt see it as something so bad. I just felt kinda creeped out. He mysteriously disappeared after that, I didnt hear from him until the summer before my senior year. He called me, asked to see me. Alisha brought him to my house. We talked, I asked him where he had been, he didnt tell me he said he couldnt. He called me alot after that, asking me if I would...
To be continued.... I dont feel like writing anymore about the matter, maybe later.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
(L) :D :D :D :D :D :D :D (K)
Im in such a good mood today. Even though I have so much work to do. I have a project do for my drawing class, a paper and a packet due in Eng 111, text work from math 04, and a paper for Info sys. WOW, can we say, PROCRASTINATION; thats the reason why im so behind. hehe. Im gonna get to it, as soon as I feel more energetic. Well, I woke up a little while ago, I still havent take to my bebo. Lets see what today has in store for me, hehe. I'll let you know later. Bai Bai for NoW. ;)
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Prayer to Time, Prayer to Our Hearts.
I couldnt stop it this time, although I know crying doesnt solve a thing. My parents are to go house hunting May 15th. I was panicking at 1st cuz if they made me go with them, they would probably make me stay and Id never see VA again. The other possible alternative, is me staying here, but with my grandparents. Now, finding freedom when my parents are around is much easier, but my grandparents are old and smart. They will keep me from him, I wont see him for a long time if they are around. Its useless. I have to give up. Life treats me like shit, I will have to be so far from him. I will love him no matter where I am, its just going to be so hard, its already hard on us now. I cant help but to think of how unfair it is to him. How he wont have someone to hold, someone there. Im so sorry. So I pray every night for one thing, just to have him always. I pray I dont ever lose him, I pray we will always love each other and one day we will have what we dont... a life together. I wish I had you now. Right here holding me. Lately I feel so afraid, like Im in the dark, like Im blind. I try not to torment myself with these painful thoughts, but... what can I do? How can I ignore the way I feel? What do I do? How will we survive so far apart. I have so much faith in us, we are strong together. But time kills all thats good in my life. I cant let go of him ever.
I say these things to him. I cant stay quiet about whats in my heart, I tell him my fears. I fear so many things right now. These fears all some up to one, losing him. Maybe telling him isnt such a great idea. Things happen, I dont ever want him to think he HAS to be with me if the distance kills it for us. I cant imagine thinking that he feels the same about me but really doesnt. I cant imagine him telling me he loves me but feeling something for another. Yet, he isnt that kind of guy. I doubt with all my heart he would do that, but when your mind is filled with fear and negativity... it puts ideas in you that torture you, just the thought of them. I dont ever want him to feel lonely, or sad. Whatever may happen in the future, I hope he will ALWAYS know that I love him and I always will. I believe you can never forget someone you love, you just learn to live without them. If you do forget, you never did love that person. If you believe in the love you have, it wont die and you'll remain together no matter what the circumstances. I will never forget the one I love, never learn to live without him. I know I'll be strong, and I hope with all my heart and soul, that we will remain together for as long as we live.
Praying hasnt solved a thing for me, I know it isnt God's job to be solving my pains and problems. So I pray here to time, I pray to our hearts and hope they answer my prayers.
I love you mi nino, more than anyone else in the world.
I say these things to him. I cant stay quiet about whats in my heart, I tell him my fears. I fear so many things right now. These fears all some up to one, losing him. Maybe telling him isnt such a great idea. Things happen, I dont ever want him to think he HAS to be with me if the distance kills it for us. I cant imagine thinking that he feels the same about me but really doesnt. I cant imagine him telling me he loves me but feeling something for another. Yet, he isnt that kind of guy. I doubt with all my heart he would do that, but when your mind is filled with fear and negativity... it puts ideas in you that torture you, just the thought of them. I dont ever want him to feel lonely, or sad. Whatever may happen in the future, I hope he will ALWAYS know that I love him and I always will. I believe you can never forget someone you love, you just learn to live without them. If you do forget, you never did love that person. If you believe in the love you have, it wont die and you'll remain together no matter what the circumstances. I will never forget the one I love, never learn to live without him. I know I'll be strong, and I hope with all my heart and soul, that we will remain together for as long as we live.
Praying hasnt solved a thing for me, I know it isnt God's job to be solving my pains and problems. So I pray here to time, I pray to our hearts and hope they answer my prayers.
I love you mi nino, more than anyone else in the world.
Monday, April 04, 2005
late night composition...
1:40 in the AM. I still cant sleep and i have to wake up early tomorrow. Im gonna be in hell, haha. So I am still hyper. Baby, I have a confession to make. We are incurabley insane. Isnt it gr8?! haha.
Im looking at pictures of you. Ive never seen anyone more beautiful than you. I love your face, its stuck in my mind all the time, everyday. You have the most expressive eyes Ive ever seen. I love to look into them, they say I love you everytime u look at me. We are both weak for eyes. I also love your smile, when I hear you laugh I just picture that gorgeous smile and I cant help smiling too. You captivate me, even from afar. I know you were meant for me, Ive always had a picture of what I wanted in a man. To tell u the truth, you are everything Ive always wanted and even more. When we talk, I can picture the expressions on your face, and no matter what mood im in, I have to smile. When I feel alone, all I have to do is look at you. Im never alone now. Youve never left me alone.
Then there are things about u that fascinate me, things i cant see in pictures but in ur way of being. There has never been a person who can make me feel as alive as you do. I go crazy, I laugh, and say things I would never say to any other person in this world. How is it that i cant be anyone or anything but me with you. i love being me, and ur the only person who knows my true self. I love when u tease me, when u play games with my mind. When we tell each other how we love each other more, and how neither of us ever loses that competition. When u listen to me, and show u care. You dont even to say that you love me for me to know, but u say it all the time and i can never doubt that u do. Youre so honest with me, and i know i can be completely honest with u. I love that u like my craziness, there is never a dull moment with u. Youve only given me wonderful memories that I recapture constantly in my thoughts. I can only look forward to new memories with you, I cant wait.
Im only sorry that i cant be there with u. i also long to be near u. One day Ill always be there, I promise mi amor. I miss u bebe. I love you. MUAH! sleepy now, nite nite.
Im looking at pictures of you. Ive never seen anyone more beautiful than you. I love your face, its stuck in my mind all the time, everyday. You have the most expressive eyes Ive ever seen. I love to look into them, they say I love you everytime u look at me. We are both weak for eyes. I also love your smile, when I hear you laugh I just picture that gorgeous smile and I cant help smiling too. You captivate me, even from afar. I know you were meant for me, Ive always had a picture of what I wanted in a man. To tell u the truth, you are everything Ive always wanted and even more. When we talk, I can picture the expressions on your face, and no matter what mood im in, I have to smile. When I feel alone, all I have to do is look at you. Im never alone now. Youve never left me alone.
Then there are things about u that fascinate me, things i cant see in pictures but in ur way of being. There has never been a person who can make me feel as alive as you do. I go crazy, I laugh, and say things I would never say to any other person in this world. How is it that i cant be anyone or anything but me with you. i love being me, and ur the only person who knows my true self. I love when u tease me, when u play games with my mind. When we tell each other how we love each other more, and how neither of us ever loses that competition. When u listen to me, and show u care. You dont even to say that you love me for me to know, but u say it all the time and i can never doubt that u do. Youre so honest with me, and i know i can be completely honest with u. I love that u like my craziness, there is never a dull moment with u. Youve only given me wonderful memories that I recapture constantly in my thoughts. I can only look forward to new memories with you, I cant wait.
Im only sorry that i cant be there with u. i also long to be near u. One day Ill always be there, I promise mi amor. I miss u bebe. I love you. MUAH! sleepy now, nite nite.
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Morning Writers Block
I was thinking of you when I wrote this, it doesnt make much sense, im in a coma but still cant sleep. I love you mi amor. ;) <3
You are the light in the darkness of my soul,
Timid, fragile to the eyes of those others,
A secret meant for my keeping only,
Whispered ever so soft and quietly,
for if heard by another,
this light within me would die ubruplty
Cease to shine, and darken me.
You are the light in the darkness of my soul,
my soul is the secret only you can hold,
The eyes are the windows of the soul,
One soul can see just one other,
light just one other,
revive one another.
Your eyes are the light in the darkness of my soul
The life in my smile,
the warmth in my heart.
Shimmering, guiding me,
Like a guardian star,
Your eyes are the light in the darkness of my soul,
You see in them beauty, emotion, radiance
And when you look into this soul,
Once as black as the midnight sky,
You see a light that no one else can,
You see in these eyes the light that came to me,
the very day you came into my life
The day you became the light in my soul.
You are the light in the darkness of my soul,
Timid, fragile to the eyes of those others,
A secret meant for my keeping only,
Whispered ever so soft and quietly,
for if heard by another,
this light within me would die ubruplty
Cease to shine, and darken me.
You are the light in the darkness of my soul,
my soul is the secret only you can hold,
The eyes are the windows of the soul,
One soul can see just one other,
light just one other,
revive one another.
Your eyes are the light in the darkness of my soul
The life in my smile,
the warmth in my heart.
Shimmering, guiding me,
Like a guardian star,
Your eyes are the light in the darkness of my soul,
You see in them beauty, emotion, radiance
And when you look into this soul,
Once as black as the midnight sky,
You see a light that no one else can,
You see in these eyes the light that came to me,
the very day you came into my life
The day you became the light in my soul.
Friday, April 01, 2005
The Past returns, this time weaker than me.
This is something I wrote in July last summer. I dont really like it, but... Since this piece, the way I think has changed so much. I wanted it all to end, if I had, I wouldnt have found what I thought I would never have found.
Why cant the stars shine every hour of the day?
Why cant the moon be mine?
Why cant life be my way?
Why cant I stop time?
Why cant I stop it from making the world change?
Why cant I stop the living from dying?
Why cant I ask and not sound so strange?
Why cant I keep those I love from crying?
Why cant I keep them from feeling pain?
Why cant destiny grant us our wishes?
Why cant I stop the pouring rain?
Why are my memories bitter images?
Why cant I erase all my loneliness?
Why cant I stop thinking of hurtfull moments?
Why cant I get rid of this feeling of emptiness?
Why are my loved ones suddenly my opponents?
Why cant I end it now, life is meaningless?
Why cant I believe that they love me and care?
Why cant I believe someday I'll find happiness?
Why should I believe someday someone'll be there?
Why cant the stars shine every hour of the day?
Why cant the moon be mine?
Why cant life be my way?
Why cant I stop time?
Why cant I stop it from making the world change?
Why cant I stop the living from dying?
Why cant I ask and not sound so strange?
Why cant I keep those I love from crying?
Why cant I keep them from feeling pain?
Why cant destiny grant us our wishes?
Why cant I stop the pouring rain?
Why are my memories bitter images?
Why cant I erase all my loneliness?
Why cant I stop thinking of hurtfull moments?
Why cant I get rid of this feeling of emptiness?
Why are my loved ones suddenly my opponents?
Why cant I end it now, life is meaningless?
Why cant I believe that they love me and care?
Why cant I believe someday I'll find happiness?
Why should I believe someday someone'll be there?
